You give yourself awayyyyy
Sometimes I take a step back and question everyone's motives. What are my motives? To love and be loved unconditionally? I don't think I believe in unconditional love. In fact, I don't. There's nothing unconditional. The Bravery is right about that. There will always be something upsetting, annoying, bewildering. Something will always make small tears in even the most seemingly perfect relationship, romantic or not. Even a relationship with god isn't unconditional. That word is equivalent to the word utopia, only attainable in dreams.
But this isn't even about that. What's the point of loving? It's a terrifying evil, but is it necessary? Probably, but there's so many forms of it how can one tell if it's genuine or not? I feel like I've wasted so much time on trying to find love and failing time after time that I've missed out on a lot of my own life. And even after a relationship has ended, the piece of yourself it takes away will never fully come back; part of you will leave with every person you allow in. How do you ever get it back? Am I less of a person now that I've let people close to me? Have I lost the best of myself to people who never deserved me in the first place? Maybe what I've lost has been found in new people and that's why those who once loved me have gone. What happens when they lose it, too? What happens when the whole world loses themselves to a neverending pursuit of love. Will everyone become a shell waiting to be filled by another hollow person?
It always seemed like everyone else has been so confused, and I was so sure, but now I find myself feeling confused, at times used, and wondering where to press on from here.
I guess it's time to take another step forward and be content with what I have regardless of any labels, or lack therof. I'm once again struggling with my own sexuality and it's just something that I wish I could figure out. I wish I could have a conversation with myself to figure shit out. Easier said than done.
I love livejournal manifestos.
But this isn't even about that. What's the point of loving? It's a terrifying evil, but is it necessary? Probably, but there's so many forms of it how can one tell if it's genuine or not? I feel like I've wasted so much time on trying to find love and failing time after time that I've missed out on a lot of my own life. And even after a relationship has ended, the piece of yourself it takes away will never fully come back; part of you will leave with every person you allow in. How do you ever get it back? Am I less of a person now that I've let people close to me? Have I lost the best of myself to people who never deserved me in the first place? Maybe what I've lost has been found in new people and that's why those who once loved me have gone. What happens when they lose it, too? What happens when the whole world loses themselves to a neverending pursuit of love. Will everyone become a shell waiting to be filled by another hollow person?
It always seemed like everyone else has been so confused, and I was so sure, but now I find myself feeling confused, at times used, and wondering where to press on from here.
I guess it's time to take another step forward and be content with what I have regardless of any labels, or lack therof. I'm once again struggling with my own sexuality and it's just something that I wish I could figure out. I wish I could have a conversation with myself to figure shit out. Easier said than done.
I love livejournal manifestos.