I hate being hurt by guys...
So like always theres alot going on in my life but get this, the other night i was talking to lee. He always calls at like between 11-1. So like ive been working alot and well go to sleep and wake up to him calling. No big deal because i really enjoy just haven the convos that we have about what ever. It just seems like its gone down hill because "big suprise" im not telling him what he wants to hear. Im so not a relationship person at all, but who doesnt want someone to take care of you. I just have to have enough trust in them to be able to let my gard down like everyone else should have to do...
Anyways he was like baby i really care about you, i was like uh huh... yeah!!! (Honestly ive really think ive heard every line there is, but because he knows theres no chance in me haven sex at all with him right now i sorta was like maybe he does) He was like do you care about me? (who the fuck asks me that sorta question, it seems like everyone thinks im this uncaring person lately) I was like sweets i dont care about you at all.( im my girly scarcam way ) I was like you know i only talk to people i dont care about for HOURS everynight b4 i have to get up and work for 10 hours. Im not just gonna tell someone something because they wanna hear it because i dont expect the same thing. I say whats in my heart at the time. So this was the other night like tuesday or what ever... So then wed night he was like acting weird and i was like ok fuck it im getting off the phone and so i did. Being me i called back less then five mins and was like whats wrong... He was like nothing, i was like its something(really hate the responce nothing). I was like i cant sleep knowing something is worng with out atleast trying to find out but if you dont wanna tell me thats fine. I wasnt useing guilt or anything i was just being honest. So i was like sleep tight and as i was about to hang up he was like dont you ever say you dont care about me again. I FLIPED MY SHIT. I was like ok so you want me to tell you what you wanna hear? He was like i just wanna know how you feel. I was like lets see you are 800 miles away, a great guy, and im to be ok with the fact that i just might really care about you and get hurt. He was like you dont trust me, (i know he wanted me to say i trust him but its me) i was like honestly im scared to trust you, im scared to get hurt. I was like i need sleep because i dont wanna make this hurt anymore then it does. He was like ill call you tomorrow.... HE NEVER DID... I woke up at 2 and called him, his phone was off... This would be why i dont wanna care, if i cared anymore and trusted him i would of been crying.
I never want to lay in my own bed and miss not haven someone there with me, thats why there will never be a guy that spends the night in my bed with me unless i know he'll always come home. I wanna be the one to run away from it all but im to fucking responsable. Thats why im so for being the one that sleeps at his house because i dont wanna be the one to roll over in my bed and notice someone is missing... I couldnt go thought that like kelli is. She cant sleep...
I really do believe in fate, i just dont trust guys to not fuck that up.
*update* so i get a hold of nate and as it turns out i end up trying to help him with a girl, he has it bad for. I had to think about why i was doing that and why i had turned him down so many times b4. Well its because he's here and theres a chance like everyone else he could leave. WOW do i need out of kentucky or what.
Anyways he was like baby i really care about you, i was like uh huh... yeah!!! (Honestly ive really think ive heard every line there is, but because he knows theres no chance in me haven sex at all with him right now i sorta was like maybe he does) He was like do you care about me? (who the fuck asks me that sorta question, it seems like everyone thinks im this uncaring person lately) I was like sweets i dont care about you at all.( im my girly scarcam way ) I was like you know i only talk to people i dont care about for HOURS everynight b4 i have to get up and work for 10 hours. Im not just gonna tell someone something because they wanna hear it because i dont expect the same thing. I say whats in my heart at the time. So this was the other night like tuesday or what ever... So then wed night he was like acting weird and i was like ok fuck it im getting off the phone and so i did. Being me i called back less then five mins and was like whats wrong... He was like nothing, i was like its something(really hate the responce nothing). I was like i cant sleep knowing something is worng with out atleast trying to find out but if you dont wanna tell me thats fine. I wasnt useing guilt or anything i was just being honest. So i was like sleep tight and as i was about to hang up he was like dont you ever say you dont care about me again. I FLIPED MY SHIT. I was like ok so you want me to tell you what you wanna hear? He was like i just wanna know how you feel. I was like lets see you are 800 miles away, a great guy, and im to be ok with the fact that i just might really care about you and get hurt. He was like you dont trust me, (i know he wanted me to say i trust him but its me) i was like honestly im scared to trust you, im scared to get hurt. I was like i need sleep because i dont wanna make this hurt anymore then it does. He was like ill call you tomorrow.... HE NEVER DID... I woke up at 2 and called him, his phone was off... This would be why i dont wanna care, if i cared anymore and trusted him i would of been crying.
I never want to lay in my own bed and miss not haven someone there with me, thats why there will never be a guy that spends the night in my bed with me unless i know he'll always come home. I wanna be the one to run away from it all but im to fucking responsable. Thats why im so for being the one that sleeps at his house because i dont wanna be the one to roll over in my bed and notice someone is missing... I couldnt go thought that like kelli is. She cant sleep...
I really do believe in fate, i just dont trust guys to not fuck that up.
*update* so i get a hold of nate and as it turns out i end up trying to help him with a girl, he has it bad for. I had to think about why i was doing that and why i had turned him down so many times b4. Well its because he's here and theres a chance like everyone else he could leave. WOW do i need out of kentucky or what.