Another copied and pasted secret of mine from cavecanum.
I'm not sure why I'm posting these things on a secret site then bringing them here. I think it's all about context. Here, I ramble. There, I do secrets that if I find are too secretive I leave them there. Others I bring here.
Some future ones may be brought to my deadjournal, which nobody sees.
My dad's death in 2006 has taught me a lot.
He was my favorite person in my family, which isn't saying much. We were mostly neutral towards each other after I had become a teenager and older. He died when I was 20. I was left to the vitriol of my mother and sister. I no longer had someone to relate to during their fights and their aggression towards the both of us.
When I was little I saw my mom and my sister yell at him and berate him if he made mistakes. I'm sad to say I did this too. Until one day I learned that I was hurting him.
I stopped.
I am glad to say that at least he saw for one moment that I can remember, that someone didn't rip him apart when he made mistakes. And these weren't awful mistakes, it was stuff as simple as burning the grilled cheese or forgetting to stop by McDonald's on the way home.
When my mom and sister were gone for the day and it was just us, we sat in total silence at the table. Silence to us was platinum right then. It was peaceful. No one was arguing loudly at the table, and no one was monologuing a rant about how crappy their job is or how crappy the rest of us were.
But one time, he was supposed to get food from some fast food place for us on one of those nights. He had forgotten when he came home. I asked him about the food and he gave the usual cringe. I'm certain he expected me to yell at him for it or snark in some way. But all I said was, "Okay, well... I could go get it. But I don't have any money." With just a shrug. He looked a bit shocked that I didn't yell at him.
I don't know if that really even meant anything to him. But it did to me. It meant I had the capability to not be as abusive and disrespectful as my mom and sister.
Sadly, those habits do show up. I don't treat SO very well. But I know I don't have to be as horrible as my mother and sister. I know that I can purge them from my spirit and from my life and move on once I finally cut them out. I'm not dumb. I know that if I only physically cut them out, their memories and habits will still be there in my head.
Removing them from my head will be far more worthwhile than physically cutting them out of my life. That second part will come one day inevitably. The first part will take more work. That is why I rant about them so much. That's why I'm letting myself hate them so much. I must purge them and hold them responsible for their actions.
Another thing I learned from my dad's death is that some people never change. More importantly, I need to be aloof the next time a death occurs in the immediate or cousins-uncles-etc.-family. For the record, I consider friends to be the true external family. The others are just genetic sharers. But people will act like they care about each other more, they'll act like there is some kind of common bond over losing a family member. For some families, this is true.
Not for my mother and sister. The time has passed for that. They didn't change their aggression towards me. I no longer had my dad for consolement, as much as I took it for granted when he actually did try to help me once when the school caught me with bloody scars on my wrists and gave me no choice but to call one of my parents as a teenager. This is something I've never told anyone. He came down to the basement where the computer was kept. He tried to help. I wasn't willing to accept it because I didn't trust any damn single one of my family members. I don't know if I'd even trust him now if he were alive. But he eventually just walked away when I kept my damn trap shut.
So now it's just me versus those two. I've seen proof that they'll never change the way they treat me. They'll never treat each other with respect either. I'm burning the bridges, one way or another, and when it's safe for me to make the official break I will not have a single thing they can hold over my head to try to bring me back into their dog fighting pit.
Physically of course, as I've mentioned.
But I have more work to do to clean up my own psyche. These habits I've learned from those two are nothing more than that now: habits. I will not say a single word to them about this plan. I am slowly fading myself out. Then one day, I will be gone.
Some future ones may be brought to my deadjournal, which nobody sees.
My dad's death in 2006 has taught me a lot.
He was my favorite person in my family, which isn't saying much. We were mostly neutral towards each other after I had become a teenager and older. He died when I was 20. I was left to the vitriol of my mother and sister. I no longer had someone to relate to during their fights and their aggression towards the both of us.
When I was little I saw my mom and my sister yell at him and berate him if he made mistakes. I'm sad to say I did this too. Until one day I learned that I was hurting him.
I stopped.
I am glad to say that at least he saw for one moment that I can remember, that someone didn't rip him apart when he made mistakes. And these weren't awful mistakes, it was stuff as simple as burning the grilled cheese or forgetting to stop by McDonald's on the way home.
When my mom and sister were gone for the day and it was just us, we sat in total silence at the table. Silence to us was platinum right then. It was peaceful. No one was arguing loudly at the table, and no one was monologuing a rant about how crappy their job is or how crappy the rest of us were.
But one time, he was supposed to get food from some fast food place for us on one of those nights. He had forgotten when he came home. I asked him about the food and he gave the usual cringe. I'm certain he expected me to yell at him for it or snark in some way. But all I said was, "Okay, well... I could go get it. But I don't have any money." With just a shrug. He looked a bit shocked that I didn't yell at him.
I don't know if that really even meant anything to him. But it did to me. It meant I had the capability to not be as abusive and disrespectful as my mom and sister.
Sadly, those habits do show up. I don't treat SO very well. But I know I don't have to be as horrible as my mother and sister. I know that I can purge them from my spirit and from my life and move on once I finally cut them out. I'm not dumb. I know that if I only physically cut them out, their memories and habits will still be there in my head.
Removing them from my head will be far more worthwhile than physically cutting them out of my life. That second part will come one day inevitably. The first part will take more work. That is why I rant about them so much. That's why I'm letting myself hate them so much. I must purge them and hold them responsible for their actions.
Another thing I learned from my dad's death is that some people never change. More importantly, I need to be aloof the next time a death occurs in the immediate or cousins-uncles-etc.-family. For the record, I consider friends to be the true external family. The others are just genetic sharers. But people will act like they care about each other more, they'll act like there is some kind of common bond over losing a family member. For some families, this is true.
Not for my mother and sister. The time has passed for that. They didn't change their aggression towards me. I no longer had my dad for consolement, as much as I took it for granted when he actually did try to help me once when the school caught me with bloody scars on my wrists and gave me no choice but to call one of my parents as a teenager. This is something I've never told anyone. He came down to the basement where the computer was kept. He tried to help. I wasn't willing to accept it because I didn't trust any damn single one of my family members. I don't know if I'd even trust him now if he were alive. But he eventually just walked away when I kept my damn trap shut.
So now it's just me versus those two. I've seen proof that they'll never change the way they treat me. They'll never treat each other with respect either. I'm burning the bridges, one way or another, and when it's safe for me to make the official break I will not have a single thing they can hold over my head to try to bring me back into their dog fighting pit.
Physically of course, as I've mentioned.
But I have more work to do to clean up my own psyche. These habits I've learned from those two are nothing more than that now: habits. I will not say a single word to them about this plan. I am slowly fading myself out. Then one day, I will be gone.