Crushed
So what have I been up to? I have been very distant for a reason. Not sure why for some things but for other things I do know why. Maybe I will come around in due time, hopefully. Life is fairly lonely. Let me see if I can think of things that stick out in my head and write about those.
October 23rd- got into a HUGE fight with him. It sucked. When we finally saw each other that Wed. we were on pins and needles with each other. We did not talk for a week. He caved first. He came crawling to me. We have been having our rough moments/weeks for the past two months, more like three months since I entered. When we get into our disagreements, fights, or discussions he is usually the first to cave, but there have been times when I have because I cannot bare the thought of not having him in my life in some way. Even if that means we see and talk to each other only once a month.
Two guys started liking me. One I pissed off intentionally because he was creepy... almost stalker-like. This other I finally managed to get him to agree to be just friends and nothing more! WHOO! No one understands that I do not want a man right now. If I have a man I want the man that I want and I cannot get him. Oh do I want him so. I think he is beginning to figure it out too. If he does I hope it does not change the dynamics of our relationship. I really want to be able to keep him as close of a friend as he is.
I have been busting my butt off at the zoo and applying for jobs. November 4th I found out that there was a keeper position opening up. I found this out from the curator himself. He wanted to let me be the first to know and apply because he, the assistant curator, the entire department, docents and volunteers, and a few of the people in other areas of the zoo love me and wanted me to have this position. That day I found out the keepers started treating me as if I were a keeper already. They got me to the point where they wanted me to oversee the other interns. Mind you when I had started a year prior to that the curator himself had me start off with his favorites. No one ever gets to start off there! He does not trust the interns with them. The assistant curator, she snagged me (they would share) and I would work with her favorite species. Next I got to work with the satellites, than SAP (which I was partly familiar with since I originally started off in the zoo months prior with the GLTs). Back to the point, they REALLY wanted me. The entire department and curator team wanted to keep the position open within the gates of the zoo only, however, once HR and unit 1 found out they said no and they wanted to post the position and open it up. Well after I sent in my resume, cover letters, and letters of recommendations the job was posted on the net in two places. One of the two sites is a site that all accredited facilities are posted: worldwide, this posting allowed for anyone in the world to apply for the position as long as they met the qualifications. The curator and assistant curator altered the qualifications a little bit in order to allow me to qualify ad apply. Thus the saga begins.
As a result of the world posting many, many, many more applicants than they were expecting applied. My main concern was a guy from another zoo that we all met. His personality does not mesh well with the curator and the lead keeper... which is why he was not picked (besides the fact that the keepers did not care for him and the keeper that would have to change areas if this guy was hired got really upset and protested that he should not be hired). This guy was willing to take a $10,000 pay-cut and start at the bottom again at a different facility when the institution he is located at now, he is practically the head-honcho-man, lead keeper. He was hoping that within due time he would make lead keeper position here. Which is super hard to do, one position available for the entire department and the position is already covered. Can you say lunatic?!?!?! He was ready to gamble.
So last week I find out from Jodi, who really throughout the entire process I have expected her the most because although she treated me like the other keepers she also kept it real for me which I appreciated more than anything. All of the other keepers had my head spinning with crazy ideas such as I would get the job. Well, Jodi did too and she put me in charge of being the drill sergeant for the other interns, but she at least let me know about the previous situation I described, other applicants, the curator's thoughts, and her concerns. Daniel is my brother and he would not even listen to what my voiced concerns were until I told him to shut-up and listen to me and hear me out. Once he did he then voiced his concerns to me too. Anyways she told me the previous guy was eliminated, one person was offered the job but she declined and too another position, and I was in the running still as one of the three finalists. Once I found out that I was a finalist I knew I did not get the job. If I did have the job I should have been a shoo-in already.
Last night while I was in class the assistant curator called me. I got to the zoo this morning and the first thing I heard was the curator wanted me to call him and schedule a time for me to meet with him in person. Uh-oh was all I thought. I dreaded having to call hima and then go talk with him. I knew at the moment I heard it that I did not get the position. Near the end of lunch Jodi called down to the curator and she told him I was on my way. The curator told me that there was not an easy way of telling me and he did nto know how to ell me that I did not get the job position. He told me who they picked and why. He wanted me to hear it from him or the assistant curator before I heard it from anyone else.
For me what sucks is that I have been an intern at this place for the past year and seven months. I know these animals. I know their personalities. They know me. I know the staff and they know me. I have slaved away at this institution and I have received nothing from them. I do not get paid. I have put in over 1,350 hours of my time, time I am grateful for putting in. I came in when I was not asked to but aware of emergency situations; I already knew they would need extra help due to the given situations they would be short-handed. I came in every holiday except this past Thanksgiving. I went in on a snowy and icy day when half of the department staff could not make it in. Even when it was just one day a week I went in, mainly so I could have my fill of the animals. I have put so much individual care and nurture into this opportunity.
What is it that doomed me? I do not have paid experience. A keeper even asked this question to me after she apologized to me for not getting the job. She and I do not understand how I will get the opportunity to get a keeper position if I do not have paid experience. Yet, how am I supposed to get paid experience if there are no opportunities and no one will hire unless I already have the paid experience? It is a vicious cycle and unfortunately the field is so competitive and many past keepers are coming back seeking employment.
What really makes me upset is that the person they hired has lived in the state for at least the last seven months. Do you think on her days off, her weekends, or her holidays that she once ever came in through the doors to get to know the staff or animals she was seeking to work with? NO! Not once! She has applied for jobs in other departments while all along working at a research laboratory. Not once in the whole entire seven months plus that she has been in the city did she dare try to volunteer her services to the department while she tried “so hard” to get her foot in the door applying for various keeper jobs, including one job within this department. That pisses me off so much. She is being brought in and she has lived right around the corner and never volunteered her services. I cannot begin to fathom that she will even care for those individuals in the same way that I do or more.
I told the curator that I will continue to intern my services despite my rejection. As I have come to grips with things and knowing me I cannot see myself working with or for her without me snapping at her, telling her a piece of my mind, or giving her an attitude. (If I do act this way I am sure someone will let her know ahead of time the situation I am in and that I too applied for that vary position and was the person-to-be-hired before it was an open listed job). I think I will have to refuse to work with her. I will work in Jodi’s area, and this new person is not assigned to. Lunch will be awkward having to be in the same room and the same table as her.
If they do the same open posting for the possible job that maybe available in due time then I will not get this (higher paying) job. I am qualified for this job-GLT Coordinator- too because I took over this job for three months (no pay) as a lead intern while Becky was in China doing research. Of course, yet again, I am in the same leaky boat and destined to sink- I have not been paid for my services.
ALL STINKS! Welcome to the close of a rotten year and the beginning of a rotten year.
I shall be graduating in May. I came up with the one credit course I will be taking with my advisor. It seems like it will be interesting and there are other students interested in taking the course too. I cannot believe I came up with the idea, with his probing.
So two days before Thanksgiving was the beginning of rotten city for me… I was on my way to the interview at the zoo when an “idiot” rear-ended me. I have not had my car since. L A lot of other things sour have happened, especially over those next two days. Now this job is the icing of them all.
When I got back to g. I immediately got to chopping, which is so unlike me because everyone knows I like chopping the least. The two keepers in that area left me alone for about an hour to an hour-and-a-half. I did not need to say anything they understood. I was glad at least someone said something to me, she was the only one…what I mentioned before…apology and opportunity craziness. Anyways once I got to feeding the g. I started feeling better and remembered why after all of this time I still donate my time and services, despite the intern “3-4 month limit” hah! Look at me I am at month 19 and still going, but I see that it has not gotten me anywhere.
I guess what hurts the most is that for the first time in my life I have come to a blockade that I cannot seem to get around due to the fact that I have not gained paid experience yet I cannot get the paid experience because those jobs require applicants to have prior paid experience. I have never been in a rut like this before. All my life I have gotten what I wanted career-wise, everything I paid for and I was never paid. There has only been one thing I applied for that I did not get and it was a shot in the dark because I was a freshman in college applying for something that they really only wanted juniors and seniors in college to apply for but I was a finalist and did not make it, despite my age. I have never had this trouble before and for the first time ever I am a failure in the field that I have had my sight on since I was an eight year old in third grade collecting over sixty hours of field observations at the vary zoo I am struggling with.
I am not too sure, just an idea, but come May when I graduate I want to move… to gain opportunities.
I would like to look at the bright side, but I will wallow in my failure for just a little while longer.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like with the keepers when they can actually talk to me about the situation…
I am applying for another position at the zoo, this one paid, maybe just maybe it will give me the edge I need.
October 23rd- got into a HUGE fight with him. It sucked. When we finally saw each other that Wed. we were on pins and needles with each other. We did not talk for a week. He caved first. He came crawling to me. We have been having our rough moments/weeks for the past two months, more like three months since I entered. When we get into our disagreements, fights, or discussions he is usually the first to cave, but there have been times when I have because I cannot bare the thought of not having him in my life in some way. Even if that means we see and talk to each other only once a month.
Two guys started liking me. One I pissed off intentionally because he was creepy... almost stalker-like. This other I finally managed to get him to agree to be just friends and nothing more! WHOO! No one understands that I do not want a man right now. If I have a man I want the man that I want and I cannot get him. Oh do I want him so. I think he is beginning to figure it out too. If he does I hope it does not change the dynamics of our relationship. I really want to be able to keep him as close of a friend as he is.
I have been busting my butt off at the zoo and applying for jobs. November 4th I found out that there was a keeper position opening up. I found this out from the curator himself. He wanted to let me be the first to know and apply because he, the assistant curator, the entire department, docents and volunteers, and a few of the people in other areas of the zoo love me and wanted me to have this position. That day I found out the keepers started treating me as if I were a keeper already. They got me to the point where they wanted me to oversee the other interns. Mind you when I had started a year prior to that the curator himself had me start off with his favorites. No one ever gets to start off there! He does not trust the interns with them. The assistant curator, she snagged me (they would share) and I would work with her favorite species. Next I got to work with the satellites, than SAP (which I was partly familiar with since I originally started off in the zoo months prior with the GLTs). Back to the point, they REALLY wanted me. The entire department and curator team wanted to keep the position open within the gates of the zoo only, however, once HR and unit 1 found out they said no and they wanted to post the position and open it up. Well after I sent in my resume, cover letters, and letters of recommendations the job was posted on the net in two places. One of the two sites is a site that all accredited facilities are posted: worldwide, this posting allowed for anyone in the world to apply for the position as long as they met the qualifications. The curator and assistant curator altered the qualifications a little bit in order to allow me to qualify ad apply. Thus the saga begins.
As a result of the world posting many, many, many more applicants than they were expecting applied. My main concern was a guy from another zoo that we all met. His personality does not mesh well with the curator and the lead keeper... which is why he was not picked (besides the fact that the keepers did not care for him and the keeper that would have to change areas if this guy was hired got really upset and protested that he should not be hired). This guy was willing to take a $10,000 pay-cut and start at the bottom again at a different facility when the institution he is located at now, he is practically the head-honcho-man, lead keeper. He was hoping that within due time he would make lead keeper position here. Which is super hard to do, one position available for the entire department and the position is already covered. Can you say lunatic?!?!?! He was ready to gamble.
So last week I find out from Jodi, who really throughout the entire process I have expected her the most because although she treated me like the other keepers she also kept it real for me which I appreciated more than anything. All of the other keepers had my head spinning with crazy ideas such as I would get the job. Well, Jodi did too and she put me in charge of being the drill sergeant for the other interns, but she at least let me know about the previous situation I described, other applicants, the curator's thoughts, and her concerns. Daniel is my brother and he would not even listen to what my voiced concerns were until I told him to shut-up and listen to me and hear me out. Once he did he then voiced his concerns to me too. Anyways she told me the previous guy was eliminated, one person was offered the job but she declined and too another position, and I was in the running still as one of the three finalists. Once I found out that I was a finalist I knew I did not get the job. If I did have the job I should have been a shoo-in already.
Last night while I was in class the assistant curator called me. I got to the zoo this morning and the first thing I heard was the curator wanted me to call him and schedule a time for me to meet with him in person. Uh-oh was all I thought. I dreaded having to call hima and then go talk with him. I knew at the moment I heard it that I did not get the position. Near the end of lunch Jodi called down to the curator and she told him I was on my way. The curator told me that there was not an easy way of telling me and he did nto know how to ell me that I did not get the job position. He told me who they picked and why. He wanted me to hear it from him or the assistant curator before I heard it from anyone else.
For me what sucks is that I have been an intern at this place for the past year and seven months. I know these animals. I know their personalities. They know me. I know the staff and they know me. I have slaved away at this institution and I have received nothing from them. I do not get paid. I have put in over 1,350 hours of my time, time I am grateful for putting in. I came in when I was not asked to but aware of emergency situations; I already knew they would need extra help due to the given situations they would be short-handed. I came in every holiday except this past Thanksgiving. I went in on a snowy and icy day when half of the department staff could not make it in. Even when it was just one day a week I went in, mainly so I could have my fill of the animals. I have put so much individual care and nurture into this opportunity.
What is it that doomed me? I do not have paid experience. A keeper even asked this question to me after she apologized to me for not getting the job. She and I do not understand how I will get the opportunity to get a keeper position if I do not have paid experience. Yet, how am I supposed to get paid experience if there are no opportunities and no one will hire unless I already have the paid experience? It is a vicious cycle and unfortunately the field is so competitive and many past keepers are coming back seeking employment.
What really makes me upset is that the person they hired has lived in the state for at least the last seven months. Do you think on her days off, her weekends, or her holidays that she once ever came in through the doors to get to know the staff or animals she was seeking to work with? NO! Not once! She has applied for jobs in other departments while all along working at a research laboratory. Not once in the whole entire seven months plus that she has been in the city did she dare try to volunteer her services to the department while she tried “so hard” to get her foot in the door applying for various keeper jobs, including one job within this department. That pisses me off so much. She is being brought in and she has lived right around the corner and never volunteered her services. I cannot begin to fathom that she will even care for those individuals in the same way that I do or more.
I told the curator that I will continue to intern my services despite my rejection. As I have come to grips with things and knowing me I cannot see myself working with or for her without me snapping at her, telling her a piece of my mind, or giving her an attitude. (If I do act this way I am sure someone will let her know ahead of time the situation I am in and that I too applied for that vary position and was the person-to-be-hired before it was an open listed job). I think I will have to refuse to work with her. I will work in Jodi’s area, and this new person is not assigned to. Lunch will be awkward having to be in the same room and the same table as her.
If they do the same open posting for the possible job that maybe available in due time then I will not get this (higher paying) job. I am qualified for this job-GLT Coordinator- too because I took over this job for three months (no pay) as a lead intern while Becky was in China doing research. Of course, yet again, I am in the same leaky boat and destined to sink- I have not been paid for my services.
ALL STINKS! Welcome to the close of a rotten year and the beginning of a rotten year.
I shall be graduating in May. I came up with the one credit course I will be taking with my advisor. It seems like it will be interesting and there are other students interested in taking the course too. I cannot believe I came up with the idea, with his probing.
So two days before Thanksgiving was the beginning of rotten city for me… I was on my way to the interview at the zoo when an “idiot” rear-ended me. I have not had my car since. L A lot of other things sour have happened, especially over those next two days. Now this job is the icing of them all.
When I got back to g. I immediately got to chopping, which is so unlike me because everyone knows I like chopping the least. The two keepers in that area left me alone for about an hour to an hour-and-a-half. I did not need to say anything they understood. I was glad at least someone said something to me, she was the only one…what I mentioned before…apology and opportunity craziness. Anyways once I got to feeding the g. I started feeling better and remembered why after all of this time I still donate my time and services, despite the intern “3-4 month limit” hah! Look at me I am at month 19 and still going, but I see that it has not gotten me anywhere.
I guess what hurts the most is that for the first time in my life I have come to a blockade that I cannot seem to get around due to the fact that I have not gained paid experience yet I cannot get the paid experience because those jobs require applicants to have prior paid experience. I have never been in a rut like this before. All my life I have gotten what I wanted career-wise, everything I paid for and I was never paid. There has only been one thing I applied for that I did not get and it was a shot in the dark because I was a freshman in college applying for something that they really only wanted juniors and seniors in college to apply for but I was a finalist and did not make it, despite my age. I have never had this trouble before and for the first time ever I am a failure in the field that I have had my sight on since I was an eight year old in third grade collecting over sixty hours of field observations at the vary zoo I am struggling with.
I am not too sure, just an idea, but come May when I graduate I want to move… to gain opportunities.
I would like to look at the bright side, but I will wallow in my failure for just a little while longer.
I wonder what tomorrow will be like with the keepers when they can actually talk to me about the situation…
I am applying for another position at the zoo, this one paid, maybe just maybe it will give me the edge I need.