Sorting the Files
So I am starting over. Starting over in a country where I have lived all my life but have never felt attached to. It is kind of hard adjusting to life here. I dislike the way of life here very much.
Not sure where to start. Few, if any understand. How many people say they dislike the States? Not too many I hear from. This is the country people all over the world wish they could flock to. Yet, I do not; if anything I want to get away, so far away. I am not content here. I have not been for a long time and I hid the fact. The more I listen to D. the more I wish I could view something the way he does. He is a loyal fan of the other two states he has lived in, yet his heart, mind, and soul belong to his native land- Jamaica. I can tell he loves his country and yet when I am around him I cannot expresss that same love for my own. I just do not belong. It is not something I can put into words; it is something I feel inside of me. Here practically everything seems superficial and no matter where I go I am subordinate, my dominance is not exercised. I feel bad for telling people no, I feel guilty for not being able to stay in constant contact with my family. John Ledgend has a song the talks about remembering those days, those days when the family was strong and you did everythign with your family. I do remember those days. I miss those days. I was snatched from those days when my parents decided to move to the state I reside in now. I have always told people that my dod got a job transfer and that is why we moved, but no so. My mom was sick and tired of the cold and could easily recieve a transfer anywhere and when my mom got a job position here my father applied for a job transfer to be with his family. When we first moved my family composed of my mom, brothers, and me. My dad did not move until nine months later. We were the first of the family to move from home from my dad's side. Oh I was sooo close to my dad's family and now we really do not know one another. That is a bond I am missing. I now look back and I wish I had taken the opportunity to move back home my senior year of h.s. Things would have definately turned out different.
I am not saying I wish I had not met the people I met, ok so some people I could have done without ever have meeting them and others it would have bothered me at all to have moved away from. There are those few that I have met since and they surpass my every expectation and I am so glad to have the opportunity to know them. I am not sure I can say I have gained anything from my move other than now coming to the realization that maybe I have experienced more racial encounters than I would have and more racial predjudice encounters than any other blacks that I know as a result of where I grew up. I have realized that I hid from those acts of hatered and conviently forgot about them, I stored them away hoping they woudl never surface- but they have. I woudl have never guessed I have experienced more racial hatred than my black counterparts, but I have and I never dealt with them, I never had anyone around me that did understand. It pissed me off this summer when my classmates complained that they were being charged an mzungu price everywhere they went. All I wanted to do was laugh in their face (and the last two days I finally did) and tell them thank goodness, there is justice. Only then did the majority of them begin realize what I go through back in the States. At least they only had to deal with it for the summer, I have had to deal with it my entire life and until the day I die. I became enculturated in the white culture so I would have advantages that people that look like me or are darker than me in the States do not have access to. I wanted access granted not access denied. I have never fully been treated like the person that is not of black decent. I have always been treated differently but applied my blinders so I could not see the way I was being treated.
I am not that person and I do not wish to be that person any longer. If only I could be me, but no one allows me to be. Jermaine tries but he is never around. D. is really who I am letting my guard down around, but not completely. Jennifer lets me and I am trying. There is this new girl from LA that can relate to some of the things and she wants to help me.
In society I am ugly. I am wrong. and the likes of me are a dirty little secret that must be kept untold, locked away, with my experiences and wisdom forever gone with me as ash.
Yet, within the community I am begining to reach out for I do not belong with the soriority girls. That is made all too clear. I do not belong elsewhere here becouse I do not look like anyone else.
--------------------------------14/9/05
Under one sunrise I belong
Under one sunset
I do not know who I am
I am lost
Amongst the living
Amongst the living-dead
Under one sunrise I AM!
---------------------------------14/9/05
You overlooked me
Was I not beautiful enough
Or was I too much
Too beautiful
Too perfect
Too ripe
To be seen by the likes of you and your friends
Am I not enough
What does it take to be enough
What does it take to be accepted
This warped society
Has everyone crazy
I should have been
But I was not
Everyone else
What makes me different
Why was I overlooked
Afraid of competition?
Well baby there is none
There is none where it is not brought and you decided to leave it alone
In your world of fantasy
and make believe
Where would I fit in
Not in yours
Not in theirs
Not over there
So what I am on my own
In your world
I suppose it is about looks
In my world
Love, Meaning, Purpose, Truth
You overlooked me
And so did everyone else
That is you lost, your regret, your decision
Not sure where to start. Few, if any understand. How many people say they dislike the States? Not too many I hear from. This is the country people all over the world wish they could flock to. Yet, I do not; if anything I want to get away, so far away. I am not content here. I have not been for a long time and I hid the fact. The more I listen to D. the more I wish I could view something the way he does. He is a loyal fan of the other two states he has lived in, yet his heart, mind, and soul belong to his native land- Jamaica. I can tell he loves his country and yet when I am around him I cannot expresss that same love for my own. I just do not belong. It is not something I can put into words; it is something I feel inside of me. Here practically everything seems superficial and no matter where I go I am subordinate, my dominance is not exercised. I feel bad for telling people no, I feel guilty for not being able to stay in constant contact with my family. John Ledgend has a song the talks about remembering those days, those days when the family was strong and you did everythign with your family. I do remember those days. I miss those days. I was snatched from those days when my parents decided to move to the state I reside in now. I have always told people that my dod got a job transfer and that is why we moved, but no so. My mom was sick and tired of the cold and could easily recieve a transfer anywhere and when my mom got a job position here my father applied for a job transfer to be with his family. When we first moved my family composed of my mom, brothers, and me. My dad did not move until nine months later. We were the first of the family to move from home from my dad's side. Oh I was sooo close to my dad's family and now we really do not know one another. That is a bond I am missing. I now look back and I wish I had taken the opportunity to move back home my senior year of h.s. Things would have definately turned out different.
I am not saying I wish I had not met the people I met, ok so some people I could have done without ever have meeting them and others it would have bothered me at all to have moved away from. There are those few that I have met since and they surpass my every expectation and I am so glad to have the opportunity to know them. I am not sure I can say I have gained anything from my move other than now coming to the realization that maybe I have experienced more racial encounters than I would have and more racial predjudice encounters than any other blacks that I know as a result of where I grew up. I have realized that I hid from those acts of hatered and conviently forgot about them, I stored them away hoping they woudl never surface- but they have. I woudl have never guessed I have experienced more racial hatred than my black counterparts, but I have and I never dealt with them, I never had anyone around me that did understand. It pissed me off this summer when my classmates complained that they were being charged an mzungu price everywhere they went. All I wanted to do was laugh in their face (and the last two days I finally did) and tell them thank goodness, there is justice. Only then did the majority of them begin realize what I go through back in the States. At least they only had to deal with it for the summer, I have had to deal with it my entire life and until the day I die. I became enculturated in the white culture so I would have advantages that people that look like me or are darker than me in the States do not have access to. I wanted access granted not access denied. I have never fully been treated like the person that is not of black decent. I have always been treated differently but applied my blinders so I could not see the way I was being treated.
I am not that person and I do not wish to be that person any longer. If only I could be me, but no one allows me to be. Jermaine tries but he is never around. D. is really who I am letting my guard down around, but not completely. Jennifer lets me and I am trying. There is this new girl from LA that can relate to some of the things and she wants to help me.
In society I am ugly. I am wrong. and the likes of me are a dirty little secret that must be kept untold, locked away, with my experiences and wisdom forever gone with me as ash.
Yet, within the community I am begining to reach out for I do not belong with the soriority girls. That is made all too clear. I do not belong elsewhere here becouse I do not look like anyone else.
--------------------------------14/9/05
Under one sunrise I belong
Under one sunset
I do not know who I am
I am lost
Amongst the living
Amongst the living-dead
Under one sunrise I AM!
---------------------------------14/9/05
You overlooked me
Was I not beautiful enough
Or was I too much
Too beautiful
Too perfect
Too ripe
To be seen by the likes of you and your friends
Am I not enough
What does it take to be enough
What does it take to be accepted
This warped society
Has everyone crazy
I should have been
But I was not
Everyone else
What makes me different
Why was I overlooked
Afraid of competition?
Well baby there is none
There is none where it is not brought and you decided to leave it alone
In your world of fantasy
and make believe
Where would I fit in
Not in yours
Not in theirs
Not over there
So what I am on my own
In your world
I suppose it is about looks
In my world
Love, Meaning, Purpose, Truth
You overlooked me
And so did everyone else
That is you lost, your regret, your decision