Music and religion
I think I've finally found a real sense of regret. It makes me feel fucking terrible. I also finally figured out why I am an atheist. I'll explain, don't worry.
I know how the beginning is going to sound, but bear with me. It's not as pathetic as it sounds. Or maybe it is. Whatever.
So, yesterday I practiced my viola for a long while. Then I got stoned and that's when my mind started going and trust me, it didn't stop. This was one of those highs where my mind went to every corner, dark and light, making me feel enlightened, terrified, and uncomfortable. I loved it.
I came to the conclusion that my only regret in life is that in my sophomore year, I didn't get as serious as I wanted to about my viola. If I had done that, maybe I would have had a shot at being a musician. I can't put into words how sick this makes me. I really failed at something I wanted and I can never get it back.
And it's not even that I don't want to be a doctor. In fact, I KNOW I want to be a doctor, but I think I would have rather been a musician. There's not much I can do, but I know I'll keep playing and I'll keep working at the things I know I want to do so that never happens again. It's the worst feeling, for anyone who has never felt it before.
Now, on to the second item of business. I had previously thought of myself as an atheist, but I know know for sure why I am. The realization I had last night sounds like something similar to when a Christian "gets saved", I'd imagine. I feel as though humans created religion to explain things that were too big for them to fathom, this I'm pretty sure has been a pretty steadfast belief by many atheists. I think what changed for me though, is that I started to realize just how great the human potential is. For one, to be able to create such elaborate and seemingly immortal stories like "Christianity", "Islam", "Hinduism", and all the others. All the things we see around us that humankind has created are both amazing and terrifying. There is no other species on earth that can boast such feats as we have. We are nearly the only species to conquer and flourish in places we were not originally adapted to, such as the sea and the air. Although we are not the only species to discover medicine, we've taken it to such great lengths that we've extended the human lifespan by so much, and we are even able to do the same for other species when we decide to care.
I don't believe though, that we are the end of evolution. That's a trap I think a lot of people fall into. We can't even begin to understand in what ways our species may evolve or is evolving presently. Not even strictly in a physiological sense, either. Social evolution is happening all the time and we can see that looking back through the ages. Social evolution is directly tied to what we can make of our world around us and what best complements that lifestyle. Our technological advancements dictate how we live so much more directly that I previously thought. How fascinating, right?
I don't believe in any gods, any saviors, or prophets, I believe in humankind. I'm amazed that of the infinite combination that could have been, of molecules then amino acids, then cells...that I was formed by chance as a human. What's more that I, just as every other human, have the potential for things we can only imagine [that's good and bad, by the way]. I finally "get it", and it feels great. I'm totally an atheist.
So, I had a pretty productive time. I feel good. Sort of. Not really.
I know how the beginning is going to sound, but bear with me. It's not as pathetic as it sounds. Or maybe it is. Whatever.
So, yesterday I practiced my viola for a long while. Then I got stoned and that's when my mind started going and trust me, it didn't stop. This was one of those highs where my mind went to every corner, dark and light, making me feel enlightened, terrified, and uncomfortable. I loved it.
I came to the conclusion that my only regret in life is that in my sophomore year, I didn't get as serious as I wanted to about my viola. If I had done that, maybe I would have had a shot at being a musician. I can't put into words how sick this makes me. I really failed at something I wanted and I can never get it back.
And it's not even that I don't want to be a doctor. In fact, I KNOW I want to be a doctor, but I think I would have rather been a musician. There's not much I can do, but I know I'll keep playing and I'll keep working at the things I know I want to do so that never happens again. It's the worst feeling, for anyone who has never felt it before.
Now, on to the second item of business. I had previously thought of myself as an atheist, but I know know for sure why I am. The realization I had last night sounds like something similar to when a Christian "gets saved", I'd imagine. I feel as though humans created religion to explain things that were too big for them to fathom, this I'm pretty sure has been a pretty steadfast belief by many atheists. I think what changed for me though, is that I started to realize just how great the human potential is. For one, to be able to create such elaborate and seemingly immortal stories like "Christianity", "Islam", "Hinduism", and all the others. All the things we see around us that humankind has created are both amazing and terrifying. There is no other species on earth that can boast such feats as we have. We are nearly the only species to conquer and flourish in places we were not originally adapted to, such as the sea and the air. Although we are not the only species to discover medicine, we've taken it to such great lengths that we've extended the human lifespan by so much, and we are even able to do the same for other species when we decide to care.
I don't believe though, that we are the end of evolution. That's a trap I think a lot of people fall into. We can't even begin to understand in what ways our species may evolve or is evolving presently. Not even strictly in a physiological sense, either. Social evolution is happening all the time and we can see that looking back through the ages. Social evolution is directly tied to what we can make of our world around us and what best complements that lifestyle. Our technological advancements dictate how we live so much more directly that I previously thought. How fascinating, right?
I don't believe in any gods, any saviors, or prophets, I believe in humankind. I'm amazed that of the infinite combination that could have been, of molecules then amino acids, then cells...that I was formed by chance as a human. What's more that I, just as every other human, have the potential for things we can only imagine [that's good and bad, by the way]. I finally "get it", and it feels great. I'm totally an atheist.
So, I had a pretty productive time. I feel good. Sort of. Not really.