Inspiration from an unlikely source...
With much contemplation and frustration, I have finally made up my mind about something that has been nagging me for some time. I sent in my application to Paul Smith's Conservation College up in the Adirondacks. I just filled it out online and sent it in not even 10 minutes ago. Next step is to have my High School and College transcripts sent to Paul Smith's along with an essay describing my personal goals or ambition as well as $30. Fairly simple. So now the hard part. Waiting to see if I'm accepted. No doubt in my mind I will be. So then comes the hardest part of this whole process. Leaving behind my loved ones; Annie, Dave, Joey, and family...really that's all. The more I think about it, the less it seems to bother me. This is something I have wanted to do my whole life. And more importantly, this is something I NEED to do.
I was discussing this with a very good friend of mine not too long ago and he gave me some very good advice and inspired me very much. He also made me realize that I am wasting my time with a lot of things in my life...rather, with a lot of people in my life. I'm 21 years old. I need to live. I need to do for myself. Do what I want, when I want. And it's time I put my plan into action and start the ball rollin' on this whole Wildlife Rehabilitation thing. So I did it! I applied. I'm excited and nervous. But I know in the end, it will all be worth it and I will be happy and successful.
Now what's my dilemma, you ask?...well, I can't really get into that, but I will say that I'm sick of my life, I'm sick of living in Buffalo, I'm sick of the people in my life and I'm sick of the way I'm living my life. I've been through a lot of shit in the past week, health wise than I've been in a long time. I never told anyone and I guess saying it on this thing is telling everyone, but I wound up in the hospital the other night. I haven't been feeling well at all for a while now. My stomach has been doing weird things. It'll cramp up and then I'll start to get shooting pains in the middle of my stomach and then on my sides and sometimes I'll pass out because of how severe the pains are. Not thinking or rather, not caring how serious this could be, I let it go. Because that's just how I am. I hate doctors and I hate hospitals...until one night, I couldn't take it anymore. I was on my way home from Annie's house and I started having the pains again. I started swerving and I nearly missed smashing into a cop. He obviously pulled me over and when he came up to my door, I was half out of the car, half in...throwing up, blood. He asked if I was okay and after stumbling over my words, I finally said no and that I think I should go to the hospital. So he took me. And that's when I found out just how severe it was. The ulcer that I have been ignoring for 10 years has finally ruined my insides. I can't eat big meals, I can't drink harsh liquids and I certainly should not be drinking alcohol or eating spicy foods. Well, there ya go. My lifestyle has to change. I can't keep neglecting myself and my body. I guess this has been my new way of hurting myself. Instead of cutting, I'm ruining my stomach and vital organs. Even my heart is fucked up. I went in for a stress test a while back and if there was such thing as "failing", I did worse than that. My heartbeat was miserable, my blood pressure was dangerously high and I wasn't allowed to finish the test. I'm 21 years old...I shouldn't be having to take stress tests or worry about having to be fed through a fuckin IV.
Now for why my mood says sad, well, certain circumstances and events that have happened and that have continued to haunt me will not leave my mind...They are doing just that, haunting me. This is why I hate having emotions and feelings. Being numb is a beautiful thing. Enjoy it while it lasts because emotions are something you just don't want to muck with. No way, no how...never. I'm just so sick of fake people, all the lies, all the bull shit that they try to make me believe and go by. I'm sick of feeling like I give my all just to be slapped in the face and have everything I ever said or felt thrown back at me and ignored. It's sickening. I can't stand it and I won't take it anymore. I'm done being who I used to be. Letting others use me, take advantage of my kind, giving nature, I'm done with it all. I'm not saying I'm going to be a bitch, but I will stand up for myself and I refuse to let people take advantage of me anymore. I've spent my whole life giving and caring for others, investing a lot of emotions and feelings into friendships, relationships and otherwise and where has it gotten me?! Nowhere, obviously. I've poured my heart out to a small of amount of people who did nothing, but stomp all over it. They were undeserving and I feel like I've wasted my precious time on them. I can't go back into time and un-do the things I regret, but I can put my walls back up and only allow my loved ones in...when I want to of course. Which is what I will be doing from now on. I'm open to meeting new people and all, but I'm not telling them anything personal about myself. That's half the reason this thing is set to friends only. Even my own boyfriend can't read this. Which makes me kind of happy. I am kinda not happy that a certain someone can read this, but you know what, whatever. I doubt he'll even read it and if he does, I doubt he'll know I'm talking about him! LOL, now I got all my guy friends wondering if I'm talking about them...you'll never know!
Anyhoo...so all in all. I've realized a lot in the past week or so. About myself, about certain people in my life and about what I want with life. And honestly, I know exactly what I want. I'm doing for myself first and then I'll worry about other people. I've realized that some of the people I've met along the way have nothing, but bad intentions. They see a girl like me; innocent and caring and they immediately think "my next victim". No more. I might only have a handful of people I consider friends and people I trust completely, but that's fine with me. That's how I like it.
I think going to Paul Smith's will be a great experience for me. I'll be able to experience college life on my own. I'll meet new people, make new friends and learn a lot. And to those of you reading this right now thinking I'm being selfish...fuck you! You're obviously not my true friend and you obviously don't love me. I think I made this decision a long time ago, but I'm just now putting it into action and I owe some thanks to a certain person. More so because he made me realize that I don't belong in Buffalo or Western NY, I don't feel welcomed or loved enough by the people here that I know. It's time for me to move on and say goodbye. Maybe just for a few years until I graduate and get a degree, maybe for a little longer than that...but then again, maybe forever...
I'm fairly certain only a handful of people would even realize or care that I'm gone and that same handful of people understand my reasoning complete. Whether they're contributing to my hating my life here in Buffalo or because they lent a hand in my making this final decision and taking such a big step in my life. Whatever the case, I'm doing it. So if you cared enough to read this far, stay tuned because I will be updating once I hear from Paul Smith's.
Alright, well, I've had a very long, stressful, shitty, agonizing day that only seemed to keep getting worse as it came to an end...the past four hours or so being the worst part of my day. It took me about two and a half hours to write this whole thing due to the fact that I had to keep stopping every now and then to calm myself and not freak out so much. So yeah, I'm gonna go find what alcohol I can and drink it, all...take a few muscle relaxers and just let all the worries of the past week or so slowly melt away...Have a good night everyone. I know I will...
~ReD
P.S. As far as my health is concerned; I've put it on the back burner and I'm dealing with it when I can. I'll get to it. I have that cop hounding over me. I've noticed it's always worse after I drink...so I'll just decrease the amount of alcohol I consume and I should be fine...yeah.
I was discussing this with a very good friend of mine not too long ago and he gave me some very good advice and inspired me very much. He also made me realize that I am wasting my time with a lot of things in my life...rather, with a lot of people in my life. I'm 21 years old. I need to live. I need to do for myself. Do what I want, when I want. And it's time I put my plan into action and start the ball rollin' on this whole Wildlife Rehabilitation thing. So I did it! I applied. I'm excited and nervous. But I know in the end, it will all be worth it and I will be happy and successful.
Now what's my dilemma, you ask?...well, I can't really get into that, but I will say that I'm sick of my life, I'm sick of living in Buffalo, I'm sick of the people in my life and I'm sick of the way I'm living my life. I've been through a lot of shit in the past week, health wise than I've been in a long time. I never told anyone and I guess saying it on this thing is telling everyone, but I wound up in the hospital the other night. I haven't been feeling well at all for a while now. My stomach has been doing weird things. It'll cramp up and then I'll start to get shooting pains in the middle of my stomach and then on my sides and sometimes I'll pass out because of how severe the pains are. Not thinking or rather, not caring how serious this could be, I let it go. Because that's just how I am. I hate doctors and I hate hospitals...until one night, I couldn't take it anymore. I was on my way home from Annie's house and I started having the pains again. I started swerving and I nearly missed smashing into a cop. He obviously pulled me over and when he came up to my door, I was half out of the car, half in...throwing up, blood. He asked if I was okay and after stumbling over my words, I finally said no and that I think I should go to the hospital. So he took me. And that's when I found out just how severe it was. The ulcer that I have been ignoring for 10 years has finally ruined my insides. I can't eat big meals, I can't drink harsh liquids and I certainly should not be drinking alcohol or eating spicy foods. Well, there ya go. My lifestyle has to change. I can't keep neglecting myself and my body. I guess this has been my new way of hurting myself. Instead of cutting, I'm ruining my stomach and vital organs. Even my heart is fucked up. I went in for a stress test a while back and if there was such thing as "failing", I did worse than that. My heartbeat was miserable, my blood pressure was dangerously high and I wasn't allowed to finish the test. I'm 21 years old...I shouldn't be having to take stress tests or worry about having to be fed through a fuckin IV.
Now for why my mood says sad, well, certain circumstances and events that have happened and that have continued to haunt me will not leave my mind...They are doing just that, haunting me. This is why I hate having emotions and feelings. Being numb is a beautiful thing. Enjoy it while it lasts because emotions are something you just don't want to muck with. No way, no how...never. I'm just so sick of fake people, all the lies, all the bull shit that they try to make me believe and go by. I'm sick of feeling like I give my all just to be slapped in the face and have everything I ever said or felt thrown back at me and ignored. It's sickening. I can't stand it and I won't take it anymore. I'm done being who I used to be. Letting others use me, take advantage of my kind, giving nature, I'm done with it all. I'm not saying I'm going to be a bitch, but I will stand up for myself and I refuse to let people take advantage of me anymore. I've spent my whole life giving and caring for others, investing a lot of emotions and feelings into friendships, relationships and otherwise and where has it gotten me?! Nowhere, obviously. I've poured my heart out to a small of amount of people who did nothing, but stomp all over it. They were undeserving and I feel like I've wasted my precious time on them. I can't go back into time and un-do the things I regret, but I can put my walls back up and only allow my loved ones in...when I want to of course. Which is what I will be doing from now on. I'm open to meeting new people and all, but I'm not telling them anything personal about myself. That's half the reason this thing is set to friends only. Even my own boyfriend can't read this. Which makes me kind of happy. I am kinda not happy that a certain someone can read this, but you know what, whatever. I doubt he'll even read it and if he does, I doubt he'll know I'm talking about him! LOL, now I got all my guy friends wondering if I'm talking about them...you'll never know!
Anyhoo...so all in all. I've realized a lot in the past week or so. About myself, about certain people in my life and about what I want with life. And honestly, I know exactly what I want. I'm doing for myself first and then I'll worry about other people. I've realized that some of the people I've met along the way have nothing, but bad intentions. They see a girl like me; innocent and caring and they immediately think "my next victim". No more. I might only have a handful of people I consider friends and people I trust completely, but that's fine with me. That's how I like it.
I think going to Paul Smith's will be a great experience for me. I'll be able to experience college life on my own. I'll meet new people, make new friends and learn a lot. And to those of you reading this right now thinking I'm being selfish...fuck you! You're obviously not my true friend and you obviously don't love me. I think I made this decision a long time ago, but I'm just now putting it into action and I owe some thanks to a certain person. More so because he made me realize that I don't belong in Buffalo or Western NY, I don't feel welcomed or loved enough by the people here that I know. It's time for me to move on and say goodbye. Maybe just for a few years until I graduate and get a degree, maybe for a little longer than that...but then again, maybe forever...
I'm fairly certain only a handful of people would even realize or care that I'm gone and that same handful of people understand my reasoning complete. Whether they're contributing to my hating my life here in Buffalo or because they lent a hand in my making this final decision and taking such a big step in my life. Whatever the case, I'm doing it. So if you cared enough to read this far, stay tuned because I will be updating once I hear from Paul Smith's.
Alright, well, I've had a very long, stressful, shitty, agonizing day that only seemed to keep getting worse as it came to an end...the past four hours or so being the worst part of my day. It took me about two and a half hours to write this whole thing due to the fact that I had to keep stopping every now and then to calm myself and not freak out so much. So yeah, I'm gonna go find what alcohol I can and drink it, all...take a few muscle relaxers and just let all the worries of the past week or so slowly melt away...Have a good night everyone. I know I will...
~ReD
P.S. As far as my health is concerned; I've put it on the back burner and I'm dealing with it when I can. I'll get to it. I have that cop hounding over me. I've noticed it's always worse after I drink...so I'll just decrease the amount of alcohol I consume and I should be fine...yeah.