Life or something like it...
I just spent the last three hours thinking about my life and where I'm going in it...crying, driving around aimlessly, talking with Annie and well, I came to the conclusion that my life is going nowhere. I mean, I have goals, I have dreams...but the chances of me obtaining any of them anytime soon are slim to none. I want more than anything to work with animals, to help injured ones and nurse them back to health and set them free...I want to care for them and make a living out of my love in life...but I don't know where to go, where to start.
I took the wildlife rehabilitation exam, failed it...as I do with everything. I've been studying the exam booklet since and I am taking it the next time it is offered...but what do I do until then? The SPCA hates me and will not hire me as an employee or volunteer. No pet shop will hire me and the DEC is too far downtown for me to work at, unless they would pay me more than I'm making at Mobil. I want a job where I work Monday through Friday 9-5:30...or fuck, Monday through Saturday...as long as it's a full time job, 40+ hours a week, decent pay, and as long as I'm happy there. But this whole working at a gas station bs is aggravating the fuck out of me. I can't do it anymore. And I won't...
Maybe you're right...maybe all I am is a selfish, prissy, spoiled, little girl who has had everything handed to her. Maybe everything you said last night is right...no, you know what...you were right...you are right. I am all of what you said and more and I'm fucking sorry okay. I'm sorry I've been nothing, but a disappointment. I'm sorry you think of me that way. I'm sorry I can't be the perfect person you and everyone else expect me to be. I've tried...believe me, I have. It's difficult to go through 18 years of traumatic experiences and then have to just snap out of it and put it all behind me and forget about it all. I'm sorry. I don't want your goddamn pity, I never have. I just want you to understand where I'm coming from and not get so upset with me when I complain to you about certain things.
I've finally found something good and all I can do is fuck it up. I don't mean to. I just...I can't explain it. I don't want to lose you, but because that's what I'm afraid of, I think in my mind I feel that if I ruin it before you end it, then I won't get hurt. And really, that's the only reason I act the way I do with certain things concerning our relationship...because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again and I don't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry baby. I am truly, madly, deeply in love with you and I want nothing more than to spend my life with you...That is the only thing I am 100% about right now.
I sat down and thought about everything. My life; school, work, friends, us, family, my future...everything. And I am so confused about everything. I don't know what I want to do. I know what I want to do with my life as a career, but I don't know what to do with school, my job now, friends, family...where to go from here. I'm just so frustrated. I know nothing in life comes easy, but damn this sucks! I'm getting there. It's just a long, scary road along the way and I hope that you'll stick by me until the end...and then some because I need you.
Yeah, I have to work at 11 and I feel like shit to begin with so I think I am going to go try to get some sleep.
Goodnight people...