Yong Ha/Jae Shin fic - Hunter's Knife 02/02
For you who bleed colors from your core.
What thou lovest well remains,
the rest is dross
What thou lov'st well shall not be reft from thee
What thou lov'st well is thy true heritage
Whose world, or mine or theirs
or is it of none?
First came the seen, then thus the palpable
Elysium, though it were in the halls of hell,
What thou lovest well is thy true heritage
What thou lov'st well shall not be reft from thee
(excerpt from Ezra Pound's Canto LXXXI)
Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Title: Hunter's Knife (part 02) PART 01 is HERE. Sequel to Assumptions.
Spoilers: up to ep.19
Summary: Set during ep. 19, when Jae Shin and Yoon Shik go to visit Sun Joon.
A hunter's knife cannot carve its own handle. Yong Ha can't obtain for himself what he wants. Some things cannot be taken, however; only given.
Pairings: Goo Yong Ha/Moon Jae Shin
Mention of unrequited Moon Jae Shin/Kim Yoon Shik.
Word count: ~10300
Rating: R
Warning: I can't think of anything. :S
Other01: deirie made some gorgeous Gullim illustrations, and one of them was even inspired by this fic, so I'm urging you to check them out and give her the praise she deserves. ^.^
Other02: I've checked many details about clothing, comsetics, and various random things (many of which never made it into the story) to keep the fic as genuine as possible, but I'm sure some things eluded my attention. I apologize for any remaining mistakes, inconsistencies... I did what I could. I really hope you'll like it.
Other03: The epilogue (~3000 words) will be up on Friday.
Other05:
yangban = member of the noble class
gumiho = nine-tailed fox, a mythological creature
Other06: No fanmix this time. Apparently, I'm in my Kenna phase again, which means all songs would be Kenna's. But here's the one I've been listening to while writing:
Jae Shin’s hand gripped above Yong Ha’s shoulder blade.
Yong Ha had barely the time for a short smile, and he could already feel Jae Shin’s breath on his face. He closed his eyes.
Jae Shin enclosed Yong Ha’s lower lip with his teeth and sucked. Sucked as if to swallow it up.
The pressure of Jae Shin’s teeth roused a shiver up Yong Ha’s back.
Following the rhythm of those warm lips, streaks of lust bolted downwards, into Yong Ha’s groins.
He moved his knees closer to Jae Shin. His right hand found Jae Shin’s side and dug into the cotton clothes that separated him from the skin underneath.
Jae Shin’s mouth loosened its grip for a moment, barely enough for one breath. Then Jae Shin bit in again; he gnawed at Yong Ha’s lower lip, and then licked the upper. His teeth were imprinting their shape in with quick, hungry strokes.
The blunt pleasure on Yong Ha’s lips turned into tender stings. It flared where they touched. With a sigh, Yong Ha opened his mouth further.
Jae Shin’s tongue burst in the same instant, invading every corner of Yong Ha’s mouth and pushing Yong Ha’s tongue back.
Under the faintest trace of liquor, it tasted purely of Jae Shin.
Yong Ha rubbed his tongue against Jae Shin’s, vied with its strength to reach the inside of Jae Shin’s mouth and savor it fully.
It was a flavor Yong Ha couldn’t describe; he couldn’t even tell whether it was sweet, briny, or perhaps something else entirely.
He could recognize it, though. He knew the effect it had on him, on his entire body.
Yong Ha let out a sigh and tilted his head back slightly. The tips of their tongues played in midair, turning and rolling around each other, and then Jae Shin pressed his mouth on Yong Ha’s again.
His fingers crept up the nape of Yong Ha’s neck and burrowed into the strands of hair that peered from under the headband. They squeezed and pulled as Jae Shin tried to push Yong Ha down with his weight.
Yong Ha clutched at Jae Shin’s back to keep his balance. Half pleasure, half pain, he whimpered.
As if coming to his senses, Jae Shin tore back. Wide-eyed and tense, with lower teeth showing above his lips, he seemed more like a wild creature than a man, and Yong Ha dragged his teeth over his own lips impatiently.
He tried to lull down the tickling sensation that pervaded his mouth and stomach, but his senses raged for more, more. He had to get closer to Jae Shin. He had to touch, had to feel.
Smiling with one corner of his lips, Yong Ha stuck his tongue out. He licked around his mouth, where his skin was still wet from the kiss. Finally, he wiped his mouth with one hand, watching Jae Shin all the while. Jae Shin was observing him just as intently.
What this meant, what Jae Shin wanted, and what Jae Shin had understood - Yong Ha knew better than to ask. Only a madman would do that now.
Thus he smiled at Jae Shin again.
The muscles on Jae Shin’s face twitched in a semblance of a smile as well. He rubbed his nose and looked down as he placed his hands one over another.
Without words, Yong Ha sat right in front Jae Shin. Jae Shin refused to look at him, and his breaths were strained, uneven yet before Yong Ha raised his hand to touch him.
Yong Ha felt as though he was endlessly hunting for something that eluded him each time. As if for years, he had done nothing but moving back and forward, to and fro, only to land in the same exact spot, empty-handed.
As if to confirm such thoughts, Jae Shin turned away the moment Yong Ha’s hand grazed his cheek.
Yong Ha sighed.
It was nothing short of amusing, how he played games with others and life played games with him in return.
He thrust his lips out, grabbed Jae Shin by the nose, and jerked it mildly. As expected, Jae Shin turned toward him and shoved his hand away.
“What’s with you all of a sudden?” Jae Shin moved his hand as if to hit Yong Ha above the stomach.
Instinctively, Yong Ha recoiled to avoid the blow, but Jae Shin’s hand caught the string that bound Yong Ha’s white vest together instead.
He twirled it between two fingers and looked at Yong Ha. His lips went thin as in deep contemplation, while his other hand hesitantly reached for the ribbon too.
Slowly Jae Shin’s fingers undid the knot.
Slowly Yong Ha drew his breaths deep into his lungs.
Jae Shin pulled the hems of Yong Ha’s vest apart and placed his palm in the middle of Yong Ha’s chest. It glided down to the border of Yong Ha’s trousers, halted there for several moments, and run up again.
Yong Ha gulped down. Remaining still was becoming difficult, as he wanted to touch too, but he didn’t want to do anything that might prompt Jae Shin to stop or even change his mind entirely.
When Jae Shin’s fingers caressed Yong Ha’s nipples, the touch only a teasing flutter, Yong Ha sighed with frustration.
In response, Jae Shin grabbed them and squeezed. Yong Ha swayed slightly forward.
Jae Shin inched over Yong Ha’s ribs with his left hand, tracing each bone. Lips moving as if chanting inaudible words, fingers shying away, he glanced at Yong Ha. His hands shot up and tore the vest from Yong Ha’s shoulders.
Yong Ha smiled. He pulled his arms out of his sleeves and cast the vest away.
Without delay, Jae Shin sank his teeth into Yong Ha’s shoulders, trying to remove Yong Ha’s trousers at the same time.
Yong Ha laughed, deciding to leave Jae Shin to his furious attempts at doing more than could be done at once.
His whole body felt light. Next to his neck, Jae Shin’s lips tickled him.
Whenever Jae Shin’s hands accidentally brushed lower against Yong Ha’s lap, Yong Ha felt the fabric of his trousers caress him in tantalizing motions. It stirred his already famished senses.
Then Jae Shin stroked his fingers deliberately along the bulge on the Yong Ha’s trousers. Yong Ha sucked in his lower lip and released a moan.
Still wary of scaring Jae Shin off, he rubbed their cheeks together. Soft, warm.
Jae Shin tugged at the hem of the trousers again, and barely curbing his impatience, Yong Ha ran his hand trough Jae Shin’s hair. As he was lifting those dark locks, the scent of Jae Shin’s skin wafted from them, and Yong Ha inhaled it. He let the tufts of hair fall down slowly.
Meanwhile Jae Shin pulled the textile down to the middle of Yong Ha’s buttocks. Yong Ha leaned on his hands and lifted his hips, so Jae Shin could pull the trousers down entirely.
He could feel no shame for his stripped body, merely delight at the way Jae Shin’s gaze followed the contours of his belly and his thighs. He grinned at Jae Shin’s expression and took the ribbon of Jae Shin’s vest between his fingers.
Swallowing down, Jae Shin put Yong Ha’s trousers on the floor. A tender blush, barely visible in the low light, colored his cheeks, while the pink of his lips seemed a dark red.
Yong Ha unfastened the ribbon and kissed Jae Shin on the mouth. When Yong Ha retracted, Jae Shin smacked his lips together and followed him with eyes still closed. Yong Ha grinned, flung another quick kiss to Jae Shin’s lips, and rolled the vest from Jae Shin’s shoulders with slow, teasing motions. The mixture of desire and vexation in Jae Shin’s gaze was downright intoxicating. Jae Shin’s breathing was loud and erratic, his chest heaving visibly under the bandages.
Yong Ha decided to relish it wholly. With his index finger, he trailed the line of Jae Shin’s left arm, then the left shoulder, until he reached the tender skin on Jae Shin throat. He pressed his palm against it, feeling the untamed heartbeat that resounded from the veins underneath.
A thump. And another one and then another again. Yong Ha could feel his own heart race at a similar pace; it throbbed as high as in his temples and as low as in his loins.
He moved his face closer. His lips tasted the warm surface of Jae Shin’s skin, and Jae Shin tipped his head to the side, sighing.
Yong Ha dragged his tongue in one long stroke from the bottom of Jae Shin’s neck to the protuberance in its middle. He gasped, when Jae Shin’s fingers wound round his cock and stroked.
He closed his eyes. Immediately his mouth began to lavish wet kisses all over Jae Shin’s neck. He pushed Jae Shin’s disobedient hair behind the ear, but as he bit into the soft skin of the earlobe, a strand of hair caught between his lips. Yong Ha sputtered it out hastily.
With each stroke, the movements of Jae Shin’s hand stole a bit of Yong Ha’s self-control away. He moaned.
He wanted to tear Jae Shin’s trousers down and jump on him; he wanted to play on Jae Shin’s body, touching Jae Shin in the same way he was being touched now. He needed to hear how Jae Shin’s expression cracked with pleasure and how screams erupted from his mouth.
Instead, Yong Ha moved his mouth downwards, sucking and gnawing the tanned skin on Jae Shin’s throat until it flushed red.
Soon Jae Shin’s neck was flecked with spots as dark as ripe cherries. Wet from Yong Ha’s tongue, they gleamed under the suffused light. Yong Ha wiped the saliva away with his palm.
He pushed his lower body toward Jae Shin, seeking closer contact, but Jae Shin placed a hand on Yong Ha’s shoulder and stopped him.
They stared at each other, and then Yong Ha grinned.
He pulled the bed mat closer and lay down on his back.
Jae Shin shook his left arm out of the sleeve that remained wrapped around his wrist and pulled the sleeve from his elbow down on his other hand.
Without words, Yong Ha adjusted his position on the mat and waited for what Jae Shin would do.
Time ago, Yong Ha had doubted himself.
Each time he had caught himself wondering what it would be like… What it would be like to feel Jae Shin inside him, Yong Ha had questioned his own masculinity. Time ago, he’d fret and look for something else to distract him.
Yet at some point, Yong Ha couldn’t even tell when or how, the anxious desire to feel Jae Shin in each and every possible way had grown stronger. It had drowned the doubts almost entirely.
Yong Ha felt at ease now.
He smiled at Jae Shin.
Whatever Jae Shin wanted to do was fine, more than fine.
Jae Shin cast his gaze downwards and took his pants off slowly; first down to his knees, and when he had unlaced the ties around his ankles, he freed his legs as well. At last he removed the socks.
Yong Ha found himself grinning.
The muscles on Jae Shin’s belly were stiff and clearly outlined, and one of his palms clenched and opened nervously. Yong Ha’s eyes fixed slightly below Jae Shin’s navel, at the tout line of his cock and those dilated veins. At this, Jae Shin gulped in obvious embarrassment, and Yong Ha winked at him teasingly. Jae Shin shot Yong Ha an accusing look in response and groped his way over Yong Ha’s legs.
He traced Yong Ha’s chest and then rubbed the nipples as if to stop Yong Ha’s giggles. Finally he fondled Yong Ha’s crotch with shy yet curious fingers, and indeed Yong Ha stopped giggling.
He uttered a loud moan.
Jae Shin covered Yong Ha’s mouth the same instant, and his eyes darted toward the entrance. “Do you want others to hear?”
Yong Ha didn’t want that, of course, but he was fairly sure that nobody outside the room was paying attention and thus nobody would hear.
He kissed Jae Shin’s palm.
“Do you want me to get up and check if there’s anyone outside?” he said jokingly, though he had no intention of getting up now. His voice was muffled by Jae Shin’s hand. “I doubt anyone will hear anything, unless he’s is sticking his ear at the door.”
Jae Shin moved his hand away only when Yong Ha licked it. Huffing, Yong Ha scrambled up to his feet, put on merely his colorful robe, and peered outside.
The lights were out, and apart from the quiet snoring coming from one of the rooms, there was no sign of man or spirit.
“Hello?” Yong Ha whispered. “Anyone heeere? If you are, don’t interrupt us.”
Behind him, Jae Shin sighed at first and then laughed. “Close the door, before that gumiho you heard the last time comes to get you.”
Yong Ha flung the door close the same instant. “It won’t really come, will it?”
Jae Shin shrugged his shoulders and said, “Are you a child to still believe in such things?”
Smiling, Yong Ha stepped to Jae Shin and ruffled his hair. “But you won’t allow it to seduce me and eat my liver, even if it comes, right?” He kneeled down. “Or maybe you’re a gumiho yourself? Hm? But why aren’t you a girl? And you should change back into your true form when you’re naked. Why didn’t you change?”
Jae Shin filliped his fingers against Yong Ha’s forehead. “What’s this nonsense? You want to talk about spirits now?”
Yong Ha shook his head and rushed to open a drawer in one of the closets. He hid what he took inside his hands and placed into Jae Shin’s palm.
“What’s this?” said Jae Shin.
It was nothing but a tiny porcelain container with oil, and Yong Ha thanked his curious whims for making him keep this in his room.
“This,” said Yong Ha, tapping on the porcelain, “This is something I would be willing to talk about now.” He tilted his head. “If you don’t know how to use it, that is. Be careful not to spill it.”
He threw the silken robe away, pecked Jae Shin on the cheeks, and placed himself comfortably on the mattress.
Jae Shin opened the lid. Then he dipped his fingers in, came closer, and looked at Yong Ha.
For the first time, Yong Ha felt something akin to embarrassment, but it passed the moment he felt the touch of Jae Shin’s fingers.
They drifted along the inside of his thighs, tickling and leaving an oily trail behind. Jae Shin immersed the tips of his fingers into the jar again. He dragged them gently over the verge of the container to wipe the trickling oil away, and then he heaved a deep sigh as if to steady himself.
In anticipation, Yong Ha bit his lips and shifted his hands.
Jae Shin caressed him between the thighs, taking his time to feel around Yong Ha’s butthole, teasing and inflaming Yong Ha’s desire.
Then he slipped one finger inside slowly, as if held back by some fear or doubt.
Unable to find any words to reassure Jae Shin with, Yong Ha merely let out a sigh and waited. In all truth, Yong Ha himself could think of many reasons to hesitate or even desist now, yet he had stopped paying attention to them a while ago.
Whatever the rest of the world said and preached, Yong Ha was who he was, and he felt what he felt. A man may fool his mind, but he may not fool his senses. That was the only truth that resounded throughout his body - the desire to be touched.
Jae Shin penetrated inside with his middle finger too. The odd sensation, similar to mild discomfort, soon became yearning. Yong Ha lay calmly for a bit, and when he couldn’t stay still anymore, he moved away.
Jae Shin looked at him in surprise.
Without explanation, Yong Ha snatched the porcelain jar. He dipped up a bit of oil between his fingers of his right hand, placed his other hand under it to prevent the oil from dripping, and smiled. He coated Jae Shin’s cock carefully, until it was shiny and sleek from the root to the tip. Jae Shin was merely watching and biting his lips.
To provoke him further, Yong Ha rubbed his hands all over his own chest. The oil felt strange on the skin. When Jae Shin drew his hand from Yong Ha’s belly up and caressed the nipples, Yong Ha could feel goose bumps spreading over his limbs.
He captured Jae Shin’s palm and pressed it close to his heart. He thought he could feel his raging pulse even through Jae Shin’s hand, and he took a moment to calm himself.
Then Yong Ha stretched himself on the mattress.
Jae Shin’s hand escaped the grip almost immediately. It wandered over the skin on Yong Ha’s torso, following a capricious path that made Yong Ha arch his back.
Jae Shin moved in between Yong Ha’s legs.
There, he tried to find the right position. He was grating at Yong Ha’s skin with his cock and helping himself with hands.
He pushed in.
Yong Ha held his breath, easing his tense muscles and opening at the pressure between his thighs.
It was like a sharp wave that crashed against him and billowed deep.
Jae Shin’s hips were pressing forward with undulating motions.
Like a river that burst its banks during the rainy season.
Yong Ha breathed a soft moan.
It dragged him back and forward with its current, drowning him.
Yet not even that was enough.
It was not sufficient to placate the turmoil inside him or to fulfill his craving. Yong Ha rocked up and reached out with one hand to touch himself.
Jae Shin shoved the hand away. His fingers enfolded Yong Ha’s cock possessively and began tugging, almost as if Yong Ha had dared touch something that belonged solely to Jae Shin.
Although the yanks were too coarse, they were more agreeable than whenever Yong Ha had done it by himself. Far more thrilling, far more enjoyable. Yong Ha flashed a grin.
Their position was restricting Jae Shin’s movements and slowing his thrusts, and Jae Shin gritted his teeth. He placed his hands on the mattress, leaned on his elbows, and drove his cock deeper into Yong Ha.
Their faces were close.
The light, familiar odor of sweat was mixing with the pungent scent of herbs that was emanating from Jae Shin’s bandages.
Whenever Jae Shin lowered his head, his hair swept over Yong Ha’s cheeks and chin. His nostrils were widening and contracting as he swayed, his eyes ever intent on Yong Ha’s face, and before long he was panting and puffing as well.
Yong Ha surrendered gladly to the pace. He wouldn’t ask for anything more.
This was good enough.
If in future they would meet like this once in a while, abandoning themselves to passion during the night only to pretend in the morning that it didn’t happen, wasn’t that just as good?
‘It is good,’ he repeated in his mind.
Then he remembered that there might not be a second time. He might not feel the weight of Jae Shin’s body again, nor the texture of his skin. The abandon on Jae Shin’s face, his fretful moves, everything that Yong Ha could touch and see now; it could all belong to someone else shortly. And then Yong Ha might not be able to steal it away even for an hour or two.
The foreshadowing of loss and parting darkened Yong Ha’s mind. It tinged his passion with desperation, and he let it run free in all its childish folly, for if not now, when would he be able to do it?
He clasped his hands at Jae Shin’s back and clung onto him. He listened to the agitated breathing next to his ear, relishing in the sensation of closeness.
The thrusts of Jae Shin’s hips onto him and the shoves of Jae Shin’s shoulders were calming and maddening at the same time. Their chests rubbed against each other, and as Jae Shin moaned, Yong Ha wondered if it was out of pleasure or agony.
He lay still to see if the wound on Jae Shin’s torso was causing pain, yet if it was, Jae Shin didn’t show any sign of it. He kept ramming in with complete disregard for anything but Yong Ha.
Yong Ha touched the flushed skin on Jae Shin’s cheeks and skimmed over those red and tumid lips with his fingers.
Jae Shin shuddered.
His skin was hot, smooth, and Yong Ha smeared the tiny drops of sweat that had formed at the sides of Jae Shin’s face.
Jae Shin turned his head to kiss Yong Ha’s fingers and then searched for Yong Ha’s lips.
His tongue danced inside Yong Ha’s mouth, flicking in and out.
Yong Ha could feel his heart beat wildly against his ribcage, and though their bodies were pressing together with barely any space in between, though he felt Jae Shin inside, he wished Jae Shin would come closer still. Close enough to break Yong Ha’s chest and set his heart free.
He moved his hands over Jae Shin’s spine, squeezing and kneading the way down to Jae Shin’s butt. Jae Shin moaned quietly into Yong Ha’s mouth and pushed harder. Emulating the swings of Jae Shin’s body, Yong Ha was pushing up and scraping against Jae Shin’s belly.
Jae Shin let go of Yong Ha’s mouth. With his eyes close, he gasped for air.
His voice rose and broke unexpectedly, as if cut by a knife, and Yong Ha smiled, pressing Jae Shin’s buttocks down with his palms.
Jae Shin jerked a few times inside Yong Ha. His face writhed into a grimace, and his body sank down.
Yong Ha felt the light pulsation inside himself as Jae Shin lay motionless atop him. Jae Shin’s chest was heaving, and his mouth was casting warm breaths on Yong Ha’s neck. Even the weight of Jae Shin’s body was pleasant.
Wrapping his arms around Jae Shin’s back, Yong Ha said, “Mmm.”
Jae Shin moved his right hand on Yong Ha’s shoulder, while his left hand tried to sneak under Yong Ha’s waist as if to form a hug. He managed to tuck only part of his fingers between Yong Ha’s back and the mattress, as Yong Ha felt far too comfortable to move.
Jae Shin lifted his back after having rested a few moments in that half-done embrace. He pulled back, and much to Yong Ha’s disappointment, he didn’t let himself be caught by Yong Ha’s arms again.
His cock slid out.
Without any contact between their bodies, Yong Ha remained naked on the mattress.
He closed his eyes, trying to hide the disappointment that was crawling into his chest. It squeezed his ribs like a cold snake. He told himself that he would not cry, that he would not give yet another display of his heinous need for Jae Shin’s affection. Never again.
His breath hitched.
So that was it.
His eyes snapped open as he felt the caress of Jae Shin’s fingers on his crotch. In an instant, Yong Ha cast aside what he had been thinking, and he was grinning already. Joy surged all over him, leaving a titillating sensation in his groin.
Jae Shin licked his lips.
Nervously, he licked them again and looked down.
Yong Ha finally understood.
‘No need to do that,’ he wanted to say, but Jae Shin already dipped his head down and took Yong Ha’s cock into the mouth.
Yong Ha dug his nails into the mattress.
“You…” escaped from his lips. He pressed them tightly together and swallowed down.
He looked up at the ceiling, drawing loud, whistling breaths through his nose, until he couldn’t remain quiet anymore and his mouth opened up with a loud moan.
Jae Shin didn’t try to hush him down, he didn’t even halt.
The tugs, the wet warmth of Jae Shin’s mouth… everything Jae Shin did was both provoking and agonizing, and it enslaved Yong Ha’s senses completely.
Yong Ha thrust his body upwards without thinking.
Gagging, Jae Shin moved away, placed his hands on Yong Ha’s hips, and pushed them down. His hands began rubbing the base of Yong Ha’s cock again, only more roughly this time, while his teeth clasped the delicate skin at the tip in a nearly painful grip.
Yong Ha whimper and entwisted his right hand into the tresses of Jae Shin’s hair.
Almost as in an apology, the pressure of Jae Shin’s teeth softened and gave way to his tongue, which slowly licked away the soreness. Yong Ha brushed his fingers through Jae Shin’s hair. He moaned as Jae Shin’s lips started to glide up and down the length of his cock.
He could feel the cautious graze of teeth. Then the brush of the inside of Jae Shin’s cheek and the feeling of skin that was stretching under the pressure. Yong Ha clenched the muscles on his stomach.
Finally Jae Shin rolled his tongue across the tip again. He sucked at it, and then his mouth began falling and raising around Yong Ha’s cock at a greater speed. The crude pace forced Yong Ha into wails, at which Jae Shin only stroked with more vigor.
Right below his buttocks, Yong Ha could feel a slight prickling. A chill run up his back and pervaded his whole body. It spread down his arms, teased its way into his toes and back into his belly.
“Geol Oh,” Yong Ha said. The scratchy, needy voice didn’t even seem his.
Jae Shin peered at him from between the hair. At the contact with those dark eyes, it seethed and churned with pleasure inside Yong Ha’s loins.
Jae Shin grabbed for Yong Ha’s right nipple with one hand.
“Ah.” Yong Ha dropped his head back.
The tension sent his muscles into twitches. He pushed deeper into Jae Shin’s mouth and cried out.
He felt as though something plucked him up into the air. It twisted his body until it split apart, until it shattered into a thousand disjointed fragments; the sweet pressure in his lungs, the sighs in his throat, the white dots below his eyelids. His throbbing cock inside Jae shin’s mouth, the pleasure of letting go, his fingers clutching the mattress.
Yong Ha fell back to the ground.
His chest was heaving.
After a hasty glance at the door, he looked at Jae Shin.
Jae Shin’s face contorted, and the back of his hand shot up to cover his mouth.
Quickly, he grabbed his robe with the other hand to search for something in it, and before long he was spitting into a cloth.
Yong Ha sat up, white spangles washing away the edges of his vision, and he smiled. “I’m sorry.”
Jae Shin wiped his lips. Before he tucked the cloth away again, Yong Ha jumped closer.
“Is that my handkerchief?” Yong Ha pointed at it with his index finger.
Jae Shin hid it beneath his clothes, avoiding Yong Ha’s eyes.
“It’s mine, isn’t it?” With a satisfied smirk, Yong Ha sucked his lower lip in. He reached out for the robe on the floor, but Jae Shin caught him by the wrist and pulled it down.
Yong Ha’s palm landed on Jae Shin’s thigh.
“What are you grinning for? I must have accidentally taken it after…” Jae Shin swallowed down. “At one time or another.”
“Ahuh,” said Yong Ha, moving his face closer. He decided not to press further into the matter - Jae Shin’s shy gaze was more than satisfying already.
They sat in front of each other. Jae Shin’s eyes were flashing between Yong Ha’s face and something indiscernible slightly above Yong Ha’s head.
The fingers around Yong Ha’s wrist softened their grip, and Jae Shin’s hand slid down timidly, over Yong Ha’s knuckles, where it finally rested.
The warmth that radiated from Jae Shin’s skin was soft yet prickled like a blaze on cold fingertips. It disclosed a strange longing, a yearning without name, like a void that revealed its true depth only once it had begun to be filled.
It went beyond the want to feel Jae Shin’s flesh, beyond the urge to hear his sighs. Yong Ha wanted all that, of course. Needed it, even, needed with every bit of his body, but he wanted more still. More.
Yong Ha could not grasp it and neither could he deny it. The names he had heard for it seemed shallow, the descriptions laughable.
The only things that seemed real and tangible were the touch on his fingers and the light in Jae Shin’s eyes. They constructed a meaning on their own and drove everything else in submission.
Yong Ha opened his hand into Jae Shin’s.
One by one their fingers entwined. Little finger on little finger, one thumb over another, palm on palm.
Jae Shin watched him without wavering now, head tilted expectantly, and Yong Ha leaned closer.
As their lips touched, Yong Ha could still feel the subtle prickling of excitement. It bubbled inside and below his belly. It made his head as light as if he were floating through the air. He squeezed Jae Shin’s hand more tightly. Then he ran his tongue across the slit between Jae Shin’s lips and pried inside.
The taste was vaguely bitter, followed by tiny stings on his tongue, and he smiled amidst the kiss, drawing pleasure from the thought that Jae Shin’s mouth tasted of Yong Ha.
Something inside him screamed, ‘Mine.’ Jae Shin’s mouth belonged to Yong Ha.
He pulled back, lips spread in a grin, and pressed another kiss on Jae Shin’s mouth. Two more on the cheeks, before Jae Shin became embarrassed enough to turn Yong Ha’s face away.
Jae Shin maintained his face serious, or at least he tried to; the wry set of his mouth and the wrinkles around his eyes betrayed him.
Yong Ha pinched Jae Shin’s cheeks and pulled the corners of the mouth up.
“There.” Yong Ha said. He pressed Jae Shin’s lips into a funny moue, stretched them back into a smile, and swiftly released them before Jae Shin would become irritated.
“Tsk. What are you doing?” said Jae Shin, yet even without the help of Yong Ha’s fingers, his lips remained curled up.
Yong Ha got up and took a few cloths from one of the closets. Jae Shin wasn’t really expecting an answer, and Yong Ha wasn’t planning to give one anyway, so he threw one cloth to Jae Shin and began to clean himself with the other.
His hands were tarrying in order to prolong the moment.
If only time could stop and the two of them could stay like this, if only that were possible…
What if they simply remained hanging somewhere in between, without any question or explanation? Without the futile search for truth and deeper meanings. If they could stay as close as they were now, without any intrusion from the world outside, wouldn’t that be nice?
Yong Ha let out a silent sigh.
He kept his gaze low, trying to focus on his own hands and the cloth, but he felt as though his limbs were not his own. His hands were moving as if by someone else’s command.
He squeezed his right hand in a fist, feeling the fabric of the cloth beneath his fingers and the light pressure where his nails dug into his palm.
As he glimpsed in Jae Shin’s direction, their eyes met, and Yong Ha smiled and raised his brows playfully, though he felt more anxious and confused with each passing moment.
He looked down again.
What now? What was the meaning of this evening? What if… Was this the moment when all would crumble apart? Like cold coals that turn to dust at the faintest touch?
Fear, white as his bent knuckles, slowed Yong Ha’s movements and erased his composure.
Jae Shin seemed calm, taking his time in silence, and Yong Ha didn’t have the patience to wait and guess what Jae Shin was thinking.
He almost screamed, ‘Say something,’ but instead he began to clothe himself. As if that roused Jae Shin from his thoughts, he too reached for his trousers.
Yong Ha couldn’t decide what he wished to do now.
Was it better to keep silent or was it better to speak? Yet hadn’t he already spoken? What was the meaning of all this?
Shouldn’t he be content with things as they were?
The line of Jae Shin’s cheeks, slightly hollow and protruding near the lips, the hair falling on his eyes, the shape of Jae Shin’s lips… Everything from Jae Shin’s half-vacant gaze to his slumped shoulders, every tiny feature burned itself into Yong Ha’s mind. Every little thing stirred pain and madness and the need to know. It was like a weight crushing him, something that propelled him to move lest it would rip him apart. It bade him to speak though that would hurt more than remaining silent.
Yong Ha took a deep breath.
Nevertheless, it could not hurt more than the silences and the jests he wrapped his ridiculous desires in. It couldn’t hurt more than the tiny voice that whispered, ‘Liar, Liar,’ whenever he masked himself with smiles or seemingly innocuous words.
Yong Ha cursed his heart for wanting something that could not be given to him, and cursed himself for not daring to utter his wish unless he phrased it as a joke.
“Geol Oh,” he said.
The next day he would say that he’d been inebriated by the moment, or that his reasoning had been clouded by liquor. Tomorrow he would deny everything if he’d had to, but Yong Ha had to say it right now.
Jae Shin was sitting and toying with the cloth with nervous fingers.
“Geol Oh,” Yong Ha repeated and sat down next to Jae Shin.
The line of Jae Shin’s shoulders became tense, his eyes denying contact for long instants, but finally he put the cloth away and looked at Yong Ha.
Yong Ha smiled and removed a strand of hair from Jae Shin’s face. Then he caressed Jae Shin’s left cheek with a thumb.
Jae Shin’s eyes shut slowly, while his mouth opened as in a sigh.
It didn’t console Yong Ha that Jae Shin looked about as lost as he himself was; on the contrary, it made him wary of his own words and intents.
He wondered how many times a thing already broken could break again.
His voice wavered as he took a breath to speak.
“And this time remember…” said Yong Ha. “…remember that I will always stand by your side.” He couldn’t think of anything else, and the lump in his throat was rising higher.
Jae Shin made a faint nod with his head.
Yong Ha’s right hand traced the untied hems of Jae Shin’s vest, careful not to press on the bandages. “Even when you’ll dress decent clothes and behave like a proper man in society, with a respectful position and courteous words… With wife and children and…. Remember that I…”
Though Yong Ha didn’t know how to continue, it turned out he wouldn’t be able to either way.
Jae Shin seized his hand by the wrist and narrowed his eyes. “What kind of absurdity are you sputtering now?” His voice sounded not as much annoyed as downright angry, as if Yong Ha had uttered something unbelievable, when he had in truth only stated common sense.
“Where would a man who lives like me think of marriage?” Jae Shin let go of Yong Ha’s wrist. “I have been thinking of death and revenge for ten years, ten years I’ve been living in hell, and you talk of marriage and children and a respectful job? Have you gone insane?”
“You won’t always have to live in hell,” Yong Ha said, searching for Jae Shin’s hand. “When you avenge your brother’s death and clear his name, when you get your satisfaction, what will you do? It could happen soon. We’re close to finding the Geum Deung Ji Sa. We’re searching for it under the direct orders of the king. Whatever his true motives are, don’t you see that your brother’s sacrifice is being acknowledged even by the king himself? Isn’t that what you wanted? You can’t bring your brother back, Jae Shin. What will you do now?”
Yong Ha could tell that Jae Shin had never thought that far, that he had never imagined himself free of his brother’s ghost or the hatred he had felt toward his father. He had never imagined himself living his life.
Yong Ha grabbed Jae Shin by the collar. “Geol Oh,” he hissed. “You can’t live like this anymore. I won’t let you.”
Although he hadn’t intended to say this, not now, Yong Ha knew that he should. “What will you do after you find revenge? Tell me what you want.”
As Jae Shin merely looked away, Yong Ha shook him.
“What do you want, Geol Oh?”
Jae Shin’s voice was no more than a whisper. “I’m not looking for revenge anymore. It’s… I only want to find the Geum Deung Ji Sa and see what’s written in it. I need to know what my brother gave his life for.”
He looked at Yong Ha, the corners of his eyes rimmed with red and his lower lips trembling. “I need to know that.”
His gaze seemed to plead for understanding or even forgiveness.
Yong Ha nodded and released him. “We will find it.”
“And,” said Jae Shin. “I…” His hands moved as if to touch Yong Ha but stopped halfway, and Jae Shin looked the other side. “I want to be as I am now. Us… as we are.”
“What do you mean?” Yong Ha lifted his index finger and moved it in the air, thinking, guessing.
As if something squeezed his entrails from inside and knocked the air out of his lungs, Yong Ha came forward. “You mean the four of us? You mean…” he paused. “Do you mean me?”
His mind had already jumped to the conclusion that couldn’t possibly be the real one, and his lips were already widening into a smile.
“You want me to be with you, don’t you?” the words came out lightly, jokingly. “You want me to kiss you and touch you. Every day.” He giggled. “And you want me to come to bed with you every single night. And we can try every position from my books. Well, maybe not everyone.” He emphasized his words with a wink. “Isn’t that what you want? Yes?”
Jae Shin laughed, showing off his white teeth and shaking his head at Yong Ha’s silliness. His eyes glimmered, though they were still woven with red.
Then he nodded once. “Yes.”
The smile on Yong Ha’s lips died. He opened his mouth but no voice came out. Instead he was teetering between hysteric tears and laughter, unable to do either, since he couldn’t decide to trust his own ears.
“Yes,” Yong Ha repeated, or perhaps asked.
Jae Shin sighed and rubbed his palms onto his trousers. “It must be my misfortune. Of all the women in Joseon, I end up going with you.” He inhaled. “And since things are like this, and I’ve already made my decision, you’ll have to go with me too. With me. Only me.”
His eyes flittered to Yong Ha and away.
Yong Ha sensed the question in those words and nodded quickly in response. He’d probably say yes to whatever Jae Shin asked of him.
“And you won’t even have such problems,” said Yong Ha and raised his shoulders and head as if he were hiccupping. “See? We’re a perfect match; we were destined to be together.” He clapped his hands and grinned.
Jae Shin smiled. “Then we’ll stay… together. Now stop before you make me say something even more embarrassing.”
Yong Ha felt tempted to do exactly that, but there was one more thing that weighted on his mind. One more thing he had to know.
“But…but… What about Daemul?” he said.
Jae Shin glanced sideways in annoyance. “I told you that’s over.”
“Yes, but you liked her, didn’t you? Human emotions don’t change so fast,” said Yong Ha. He waited, feeling his throat go dry, while Jae Shin took that used cloth with one hand and released it again.
“I was hoping that… I was trying to…” said Jae Shin. He smacked his lips. “Why do I have to explain myself? Aren’t you the one known to every gisaeng in the capital? You have a thousand different things to clarify before I even start explaining myself.”
Yong Ha smiled. It was true; there were many things that would need elaboration, so many things they’d have to put in their right place. So many fears to dispel and some even to keep.
Not now, however.
Yong Ha grabbed Jae Shin’s shoulder and rubbed his face against it. “It’s all right as long as you are with me. That’s all I care about.” He broke into a smile. “And you will be, won’t you?” Without waiting for an answer, Yong Ha continued. “Do you know how many positions I wanted to try with you? Hundreds! Ah, that will be fun. You won’t regret it.”
Yong Ha pulled back and winked. “I, Yeorim Goo Yong Ha, will show you what love is like.”
The light tap he got on the forehead was not unexpected, and it certainly didn’t stop him from simpering like an idiot.
He could still feel a pressure tightening around his ribcage and crushing the middle of his chest. When it came to human heart and laws, nothing was simple and everything was uncertain. But Yong Ha needed it to be simple, one thing to be as simple as Jae Shin’s arms around him. One thing where he didn’t have to doubt. One person with whom he could be himself and show all his shame, his joy, and every bit of his ludicrous hopes. That person had to be Jae Shin, for Yong Ha couldn’t imagine anyone else.
He pulled Jae Shin into an embrace and laid his whole weight on Jae Shin’s side, trying not to burden the gash on Jae Shin’s chest. It was warm, the closeness invigorating, and Yong Ha’s nostrils were taking in the fragrance of Jae Shin’s skin with renewed craving.
Most of his life, Yong Ha had been learning how every person thought of himself first and deceived others. Confucian teachings or not, the world was unjust, and that was an order more natural than the one the heavens had ordained.
‘Look at the means which a man employs, consider his motives, observe his pleasures. A man simply cannot conceal himself!’ Those were probably the only teachings upon which his father would have ever agreed with Confucius or any other of those illustrious dead men.
In fact, Yong Ha’s father had his own version of that lesson. ‘Stay low, keep the friends that might turn useful, search for everyone’s weakness. If you do that, you’ll succeed in this world even though you’re not a yangban.’
Yong Ha had to wonder how much of his father was still clinging to his every thought.
There were many pleasant things in life, why focus on the ones that couldn’t be changed? Wine, clothes, women, and whatever amusement others could provide with their hidden riddles - that should have been enough. It exceeded some faraway dreams of fools who stripped their heart bare for anyone to see or harm.
Meanwhile dissatisfaction had smoldered inside him, and each time Yong Ha had pushed it down, it had shone yet brighter.
Now he wanted to believe that things could be simple, that things could be better.
Jae Shin placed one hand over Yong Ha’s back and stroked it timidly, as if they hadn’t been grabbing each other, rubbing their bodies together, and entwining their tongues just a while ago.
Yong Ha relaxed at the touch.
What was that safety he had sought? There was more peace here, while he was leaning vulnerable onto Jae Shin, than it was in anything else he had done before.
“Your brother,” said Yong Ha, “and what he was carrying that day, maybe none of it truly lost. Maybe somewhere in the future, the Geum Deung Ji Sa will be more than lost words. Maybe those words will really give way to a new era, like the king says. A Joseon where status isn’t important, where a man’s ability, or perhaps a woman’s ability, is more important than their background. A world where people can follow their hearts freely. If that came to be, wouldn’t that mean your brother achieved what he wanted to?” Yong Ha clasped his hands around Jae Shin more firmly. “I don’t know if that’s possible, I really don’t, but if it is… I don’t trust the king, but I trust you. You, Daemul, and Garang. If anyone can create a new world, it’s you.” He sniffed, thinking that tomorrow he would have many words to be embarrassed of.
Jae Shin still hadn’t told him to act like a man, however, and that was enough.
“So don’t think of throwing away your life ever again,” said Yong Ha. The weight of the whole day choked off his words. The exhaustion, the hunger, the fears, the hopes…
Below his lip, it was smarting again from Jae Shin’s punch…
Everything from the student council, to Sun Joon in prison, to Daemul’s hopeful face, and Jae Shin again… Always Jae Shin… It came back to Yong Ha and overwhelmed him.
Yong Ha couldn’t say, ‘Don’t think of throwing me away ever again,’ thus he was clinging to Jae Shin instead. He stopped fighting the tears, because it would be no use now. They weren’t even silent, unnoticeable drops as he had hoped.
No, they came with loud sobs. And the strange noises and the pitiful convulsions started as well, and Yong Ha wouldn’t be able to hide even if he wanted to.
It burned up to the root of his nose, it burned inside his eyes, and in his chest. As he shed his tears, Yong Ha felt as though he was shedding his pain and his apprehension as well. His wailing grew louder, and he dug hi fingers into Jae Shin’s clothes, tearing in helplessly, so the pain would stop.
He couldn’t even tell if Jae Shin tried to move away or if he was sobbing as well.
“I, Geol Oh, I,” Yong Ha began but never finished.
Jae Shin kissed him on the temples, gulped, and kissed him again. Yong Ha laughed amidst tears.
Only slowly he sensed how his body calmed down and the sobs became less violent. It prickled in his hands, and his vision was blurred even after he had wiped his eyes. His throat hurt as if someone had scratched it from inside. He sobbed again.
Nevertheless, he could still see that Jae Shin rubbed his own eyes too. Then Jae Shin wiped away the tears from one side of Yong Ha’s cheeks.
“How long do you plan to keep this up, huh?” said Jae Shin, his voice going from a whisper to a shrill and back again. “This expression doesn’t suit you at all. Aren’t you Goo Yong Ha?”
Yong Ha nodded, because he couldn’t speak. He got up and rummaged through his collection of books. He picked one and ran back to Jae Shin.
“See this one?” he opened the book and showed one illustration. “I want to try this the next time. And I’ll be this…” His index finger tapped on the figure of a man who was lying atop of another figure.
Jae Shin came closer and blinked. “Am I supposed to be this one, then?” he pointed at the figure that was below. Only its face, arms, and one leg were visible.
“I won’t do that,” said Jae Shin but peeked again at the illustration.
Yong Ha smiled. By the look on Jae Shin’s face, which was betraying both embarrassment and expectation, Yong Ha could tell that Jae Shin would agree this same instant, if only Yong Ha decided to ask.
“Why not?” said Yong Ha, his confidence returning to him. “What about this, then?” He leafed through the pages and showed another illustration to Jae Shin. “This should be easy enough for you too.” He pressed a kiss on Jae Shin’s nose.
Jae Shin elbowed him in the ribs, and before Yong Ha could search for a third illustration, Jae Shin took it from him and held it high above their heads.
Yong Ha stretched his arm to reach the book, but Jae Shin lifted it a little higher. From his sitting position, Yong Ha pushed himself up. He touched the book this time but couldn’t get hold of it because Jae Shin was faster. The red cover crumpled at the margin.
“That’s part of my precious collection,” said Yong Ha. “Don’t ruin it.”
He leaped again, one of his knees between Jae Shin’s legs, his both hands springing up to snatch the book, and his face nearing Jae Shin’s.
They both tumbled down.
Jae Shin groaned as his back hit the floor, releasing the book and grimacing. Yong Ha pulled back and tugged at Jae Shin’s vest frantically.
“Are you all right?” Yong Ha said, checking the bandages. Then he cupped Jae Shin’s face with both hands. “Are you all right? Moon Jae Shin?”
Jae Shin smiled, lying in the same position and observing Yong Ha.
“Don’t scare me like that.” Yong Ha squeezed his lips in an angry pout and raised his fist, but Jae Shin already dragged him down.
Yong Ha ended atop of Jae Shin again. He didn’t even try to retrieve his book.
Jae Shin lifted his head just enough to kiss Yong Ha below the eyes, and then his head sank down once more. A complacent smile marked his countenance, while his right hand went up to Yong Ha’s nose and travelled leisurely over his lips and neck. It settled on Yong Ha’s collarbone.
Yong Ha felt the heat coming from Jae Shin’s body under him, the pressure where their hips touched. His breaths quickened. He changed position to reach Jae Shin’s mouth more easily, and Jae Shin’s hand was already tugging at his collar. Their lips brushed together, and their tongues barely touched.
Yong Ha smiled. He nestled against Jae Shin’s side, and when Jae Shin moved to kiss his forehead, he closed his eyes and let out a sigh.
Inside him everything was fluttering, fluttering.
He woke in the morning light, before the bell, and as soon as his eyes recognized the familiar sight of his room, Yong Ha searched the spot next to him.
Jae Shin was still there.
He was turned to Yong Ha, hands tucked in the blanket, which was wrapped firmly around him from the waist down.
Yong Ha drew closer.
In the sleep, Jae Shin’s countenance was peaceful, unperturbed. A few strands of hair were covering his cheek, and his lips seemed even plumper than usual, drooping slightly toward the ground.
Unintentionally Yong Ha sighed through smiling lips.
Jae Shin’s eyelashes were fluttering and following the movement of his eyes, which were darting restlessly under the lids. Yong Ha gasped once, when Jae Shin’s eyelids shot up a bit more, as if to pry open.
Yong Ha rubbed his own lower lip with his fingers and then grinned. He breathed a gentle blow on Jae Shin’s left ear, but Jae Shin only twitched and continued sleeping.
Thus Yong Ha pursed his lips again and sent another breath.
Jae Shin shifted, and finally he jumped up, hitting Yong Ha’s nose with his head in the process.
“Ah,” said Yong Ha, grabbing his aching nose.
Jae Shin’s eyes were wide with surprise. “What are you doing?”
“You’re so cold to me, Geol Oh,” said Yong Ha. “Yesterday too. Look what you did to me.”
He picked his lip between his fingers and rolled it down, showing where the incision from Jae Shin’s punch was. “Itz ere. Shee?”
“That’s… That’s because you do such things,” stuttered Jae Shin.
Yong Ha pouted. “But it still hurts.”
Jae Shin looked away as if hiding his guilt from Yong Ha’s eyes. “And what were you doing now, anyway?”
“Watching you,” said Yong Ha and pursed his lips even more.
Jae Shin snorted, and his hand touched Yong Ha’s chin. It brushed softly over the spot of skin that concealed the cut on the inside.
Then he planted a kiss on it. The next kiss went to Yong Ha’s mouth, and Yong Ha opened his lips avidly, letting Jae Shin’s tongue glide inside. Yong Ha rolled his own tongue alongside it, pushing back and forward. The sound of wet smacks sent a tickling sensation from the back of his neck and down his spine. He could feel his guts churning. Yong Ha shuffled with his hand through the layers of the blanket and Jae Shin’s clothes to tease.
“Hmm,” he said, fingers grazing over Jae Shin’s arousal.
Jae Shin tensed and pulled the blanket back on, and then he cleared his throat. “I’ll have to go.”
“Go? Where?” Yong Ha kept his voice slow and provoking. He liked how Jae Shin swallowed down and breathed.
“I can’t go to see the king like this. I need to get the clothes in my room,” said Jae Shin. He rapped his finger at Yong Ha’s temples, and Yong Ha waved his hands in excitement.
“So you’ll dress properly, hat and everything?” Yong Ha said.
“Yes.” Jae Shin’s voice was barely audible.
He brushed his fingers through Jae Shin’s hair. “Will you even know how? Do you need my help?”
When he stroked Jae Shin’s neck, it bent under his touch.
Jae Shin closed his eyes for an instant. “What would I need your help with? With your sense of fashion, who knows what I’d end up looking like,” said Jae Shin, and moved Yong Ha’s hand away.
“You won’t find a man dressed better than me in the whole capital,” said Yong Ha. “What about the wound?”
Jae Shin shrugged. “It’s fine.”
“And what will you do about that?” Yong Ha pointed at the red blotches at both sides of Jae Shin’s neck; they were visible only at the base of the neck on the left side, but on the right, they covered a large part of Jae Shin’s throat.
“Will you leave it like that?” said Yong Ha.
Jae Shin scratched his neck. “Where? What?”
Smirking, Yong Ha passed him a mirror.
“What’s this? What have you done?” Jae Shin looked furiously at Yong Ha and back into the mirror.
“You didn’t seem to mind yesterday.” Yong Ha rubbed his index finger on his lips. “Well, you could use something to cover it up. The gisaengs use different tricks to hide the imperfection of the skin.”
“The gi… You want me to use something the gisaeng use? You must be joking. And where would you even get such a thing? No, I don’t want to hear,” Jae Shin grumbled and pushed the mirror back into Yong Ha’s hands.
Yong Ha put it aside. “Then, dear Geol Oh, I have another solution for you.”
Jae Shin wagged his head as if to urge Yong Ha to speak, and Yong Ha smoothed Jae Shin’s collar.
“If you’re going to keep your hair up in the topknot,” Yong Ha said, “you’ll have to be really careful to keep your collar high enough as well.”
He pulled the fabric around Jae Shin’s neck slightly up, and Jae Shin rolled his eyes.
“It wouldn’t hurt if you tried to powder like I propo…” began Yong Ha.
“No,” said Jae Shin.
Yong Ha didn’t insist. He turned to nestle his face between Jae Shin’s throat and chin. “Are you really leaving already? Aaaah, I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m not going to be away even for an hour. What’s with this sentimentality?” Despite his words, Jae Shin’s arm came to embrace Yong Ha’s shoulder and give it a light squeeze.
Yong Ha straightened his back. “We will free Lee Sun Joon today. You don’t’ have to be nervous.”
Jae Shin lifted his chin and nudged Yong Ha gently in the ribs. “Who is nervous?”
Yong Ha knew they both were. Nervous and worried something would go wrong.
Yong Ha’s mind was already sifting through several possibilities, searching solutions for any obstacle that they might cross.
There were at least three different things Ha In Soo could still do in an attempt to stop them, and many scholars might yet need some convincing before they’d be willing to sign the petition. Yong Ha had said he’d leave everything to Daemul, but of course he could not.
Then there was the king.
The king might decide to use the situation for his own purposes and keep Lee Sun Joon captive. Who could tell? Yong Ha knew better than to trust a man who was sitting in such place of power and battling for more control.
Sun Joon’s father was one of the leaders of the Noron faction, after all. What better bargaining chip was there but the beloved son of your opposer? The king could use Sun Joon’s life to either influence the Norons through the Left State Minister, or if that failed, at least to split the faction from inside.
Yong Ha sighed.
Jae Shin was observing him in silence, gaze rapt and curious despite the restrained features, and Yong Ha felt compelled to steal another kiss.
With his eyes on Jae Shin’s lips, he moved closer.
He still couldn’t believe that he was free to do that, free to take, and Jae Shin wouldn’t resist.
He couldn’t believe that Jae Shin would kiss back instead.
Jae Shin’s lips were lingering in front of Yong Ha and opening invitingly. Then Jae Shin already pushed forward to nab at Yong Ha’s lower lip and run his tongue over Yong Ha’s. His kisses were interrupted only by shy, flaming glances in between.
It seemed impossible. Yong Ha had to grin.
Jae Shin got up. “Be careful not to do anything strange today, especially not when others are around.”
He looked at Yong Ha in a way that was perhaps supposed to be menacing, but it only sent Yong Ha into giggles.
“Do anything strange? Like what?” Yong Ha said and winked. “Hm, I think I’ll just behave like I normally do.”
“Like you normally?” A mixture of dejection and irritation grew in Jae Shin’s voice. “Like normally? Is that so?”
Yong Ha gave a solemn nod, knowing full well that his normal behavior looked outrageous enough in Jae Shin’s eyes.
Dressing up into his robe, Jae Shin said, “Then don’t expect me to behave any different than usual either.”
“But in public. Only in public, right?” said Yong Ha.
Jae Shin smiled and walked to the door.
“Right?” repeated Yong Ha. “Hey, Geol Oh! Geol Oh!”
Jae Shin turned back.
Yong Ha squeezed his lips together into a pout and sent a kiss through the air. He smiled at Jae Shin, and the corners of Jae Shin’s mouth curved up as well, revealing a tantalizing line of white teeth.
“Only in public,” said Yong Ha softly, and Jae Shin’s head sank with a nod.
Jae Shin’s eyes shone brightly before he turned to the door. He shook his head and smacked his tongue, and Yong Ha could hear hushed laugher. Then Jae Shin walked out.
Yong Ha sighed, allowing happiness to splash over every limb in his body.
“And now to save Lee Sun Joon,” he said.
He took two different robes into his hands, one pink and one red. “This or this?”
Whichever he’d choose, Yong Ha knew already the most captivating sight would not be him but Jae Shin instead. Jae Shin, dressed as a proper man.
“This one.” Yong Ha lifted the red robe. “I wonder if it’ll match with what Geol Oh will be wearing.”
Match or no match, they would still be together.
Nothing remained the same forever, and thus Yong Ha and Jae Shin would change with time as well.
Yong Ha was more than aware of that. Yet the way they were changing, he couldn’t have been more pleased.
It spread inside his body like a silent euphoria that revealed itself only the mild tremors of his hands and the pleasant twisting inside his guts.
He let out a long breath.
While it seemed to Yong Ha that the whole world was different since yesterday, he knew it was not.
Of course, there would be new things to learn, new people to meet, and new obstacles to overcome.
Without any doubt there would be anger and tears as well, perhaps even as early as today, but he wasn’t afraid of that anymore.
Whatever the future would bring, Yong Ha sensed in himself a strange certainty that he would find a way to make things right. And if he could not find a way, he would create one anew.
“Because I’m Goo Yong Ha,” he said and glided his hand over the soft silk.
He, Geol Oh, and the rest of the Jalgeum quartet.
His lips shot up in a grin.
EPILOGUE - Silken Ties
What thou lovest well remains,
the rest is dross
What thou lov'st well shall not be reft from thee
What thou lov'st well is thy true heritage
Whose world, or mine or theirs
or is it of none?
First came the seen, then thus the palpable
Elysium, though it were in the halls of hell,
What thou lovest well is thy true heritage
What thou lov'st well shall not be reft from thee
(excerpt from Ezra Pound's Canto LXXXI)
Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Title: Hunter's Knife (part 02) PART 01 is HERE. Sequel to Assumptions.
Spoilers: up to ep.19
Summary: Set during ep. 19, when Jae Shin and Yoon Shik go to visit Sun Joon.
A hunter's knife cannot carve its own handle. Yong Ha can't obtain for himself what he wants. Some things cannot be taken, however; only given.
Pairings: Goo Yong Ha/Moon Jae Shin
Mention of unrequited Moon Jae Shin/Kim Yoon Shik.
Word count: ~10300
Rating: R
Warning: I can't think of anything. :S
Other01: deirie made some gorgeous Gullim illustrations, and one of them was even inspired by this fic, so I'm urging you to check them out and give her the praise she deserves. ^.^
Other02: I've checked many details about clothing, comsetics, and various random things (many of which never made it into the story) to keep the fic as genuine as possible, but I'm sure some things eluded my attention. I apologize for any remaining mistakes, inconsistencies... I did what I could. I really hope you'll like it.
Other03: The epilogue (~3000 words) will be up on Friday.
Other05:
yangban = member of the noble class
gumiho = nine-tailed fox, a mythological creature
Other06: No fanmix this time. Apparently, I'm in my Kenna phase again, which means all songs would be Kenna's. But here's the one I've been listening to while writing:
Click to viewJae Shin’s hand gripped above Yong Ha’s shoulder blade.
Yong Ha had barely the time for a short smile, and he could already feel Jae Shin’s breath on his face. He closed his eyes.
Jae Shin enclosed Yong Ha’s lower lip with his teeth and sucked. Sucked as if to swallow it up.
The pressure of Jae Shin’s teeth roused a shiver up Yong Ha’s back.
Following the rhythm of those warm lips, streaks of lust bolted downwards, into Yong Ha’s groins.
He moved his knees closer to Jae Shin. His right hand found Jae Shin’s side and dug into the cotton clothes that separated him from the skin underneath.
Jae Shin’s mouth loosened its grip for a moment, barely enough for one breath. Then Jae Shin bit in again; he gnawed at Yong Ha’s lower lip, and then licked the upper. His teeth were imprinting their shape in with quick, hungry strokes.
The blunt pleasure on Yong Ha’s lips turned into tender stings. It flared where they touched. With a sigh, Yong Ha opened his mouth further.
Jae Shin’s tongue burst in the same instant, invading every corner of Yong Ha’s mouth and pushing Yong Ha’s tongue back.
Under the faintest trace of liquor, it tasted purely of Jae Shin.
Yong Ha rubbed his tongue against Jae Shin’s, vied with its strength to reach the inside of Jae Shin’s mouth and savor it fully.
It was a flavor Yong Ha couldn’t describe; he couldn’t even tell whether it was sweet, briny, or perhaps something else entirely.
He could recognize it, though. He knew the effect it had on him, on his entire body.
Yong Ha let out a sigh and tilted his head back slightly. The tips of their tongues played in midair, turning and rolling around each other, and then Jae Shin pressed his mouth on Yong Ha’s again.
His fingers crept up the nape of Yong Ha’s neck and burrowed into the strands of hair that peered from under the headband. They squeezed and pulled as Jae Shin tried to push Yong Ha down with his weight.
Yong Ha clutched at Jae Shin’s back to keep his balance. Half pleasure, half pain, he whimpered.
As if coming to his senses, Jae Shin tore back. Wide-eyed and tense, with lower teeth showing above his lips, he seemed more like a wild creature than a man, and Yong Ha dragged his teeth over his own lips impatiently.
He tried to lull down the tickling sensation that pervaded his mouth and stomach, but his senses raged for more, more. He had to get closer to Jae Shin. He had to touch, had to feel.
Smiling with one corner of his lips, Yong Ha stuck his tongue out. He licked around his mouth, where his skin was still wet from the kiss. Finally, he wiped his mouth with one hand, watching Jae Shin all the while. Jae Shin was observing him just as intently.
What this meant, what Jae Shin wanted, and what Jae Shin had understood - Yong Ha knew better than to ask. Only a madman would do that now.
Thus he smiled at Jae Shin again.
The muscles on Jae Shin’s face twitched in a semblance of a smile as well. He rubbed his nose and looked down as he placed his hands one over another.
Without words, Yong Ha sat right in front Jae Shin. Jae Shin refused to look at him, and his breaths were strained, uneven yet before Yong Ha raised his hand to touch him.
Yong Ha felt as though he was endlessly hunting for something that eluded him each time. As if for years, he had done nothing but moving back and forward, to and fro, only to land in the same exact spot, empty-handed.
As if to confirm such thoughts, Jae Shin turned away the moment Yong Ha’s hand grazed his cheek.
Yong Ha sighed.
It was nothing short of amusing, how he played games with others and life played games with him in return.
He thrust his lips out, grabbed Jae Shin by the nose, and jerked it mildly. As expected, Jae Shin turned toward him and shoved his hand away.
“What’s with you all of a sudden?” Jae Shin moved his hand as if to hit Yong Ha above the stomach.
Instinctively, Yong Ha recoiled to avoid the blow, but Jae Shin’s hand caught the string that bound Yong Ha’s white vest together instead.
He twirled it between two fingers and looked at Yong Ha. His lips went thin as in deep contemplation, while his other hand hesitantly reached for the ribbon too.
Slowly Jae Shin’s fingers undid the knot.
Slowly Yong Ha drew his breaths deep into his lungs.
Jae Shin pulled the hems of Yong Ha’s vest apart and placed his palm in the middle of Yong Ha’s chest. It glided down to the border of Yong Ha’s trousers, halted there for several moments, and run up again.
Yong Ha gulped down. Remaining still was becoming difficult, as he wanted to touch too, but he didn’t want to do anything that might prompt Jae Shin to stop or even change his mind entirely.
When Jae Shin’s fingers caressed Yong Ha’s nipples, the touch only a teasing flutter, Yong Ha sighed with frustration.
In response, Jae Shin grabbed them and squeezed. Yong Ha swayed slightly forward.
Jae Shin inched over Yong Ha’s ribs with his left hand, tracing each bone. Lips moving as if chanting inaudible words, fingers shying away, he glanced at Yong Ha. His hands shot up and tore the vest from Yong Ha’s shoulders.
Yong Ha smiled. He pulled his arms out of his sleeves and cast the vest away.
Without delay, Jae Shin sank his teeth into Yong Ha’s shoulders, trying to remove Yong Ha’s trousers at the same time.
Yong Ha laughed, deciding to leave Jae Shin to his furious attempts at doing more than could be done at once.
His whole body felt light. Next to his neck, Jae Shin’s lips tickled him.
Whenever Jae Shin’s hands accidentally brushed lower against Yong Ha’s lap, Yong Ha felt the fabric of his trousers caress him in tantalizing motions. It stirred his already famished senses.
Then Jae Shin stroked his fingers deliberately along the bulge on the Yong Ha’s trousers. Yong Ha sucked in his lower lip and released a moan.
Still wary of scaring Jae Shin off, he rubbed their cheeks together. Soft, warm.
Jae Shin tugged at the hem of the trousers again, and barely curbing his impatience, Yong Ha ran his hand trough Jae Shin’s hair. As he was lifting those dark locks, the scent of Jae Shin’s skin wafted from them, and Yong Ha inhaled it. He let the tufts of hair fall down slowly.
Meanwhile Jae Shin pulled the textile down to the middle of Yong Ha’s buttocks. Yong Ha leaned on his hands and lifted his hips, so Jae Shin could pull the trousers down entirely.
He could feel no shame for his stripped body, merely delight at the way Jae Shin’s gaze followed the contours of his belly and his thighs. He grinned at Jae Shin’s expression and took the ribbon of Jae Shin’s vest between his fingers.
Swallowing down, Jae Shin put Yong Ha’s trousers on the floor. A tender blush, barely visible in the low light, colored his cheeks, while the pink of his lips seemed a dark red.
Yong Ha unfastened the ribbon and kissed Jae Shin on the mouth. When Yong Ha retracted, Jae Shin smacked his lips together and followed him with eyes still closed. Yong Ha grinned, flung another quick kiss to Jae Shin’s lips, and rolled the vest from Jae Shin’s shoulders with slow, teasing motions. The mixture of desire and vexation in Jae Shin’s gaze was downright intoxicating. Jae Shin’s breathing was loud and erratic, his chest heaving visibly under the bandages.
Yong Ha decided to relish it wholly. With his index finger, he trailed the line of Jae Shin’s left arm, then the left shoulder, until he reached the tender skin on Jae Shin throat. He pressed his palm against it, feeling the untamed heartbeat that resounded from the veins underneath.
A thump. And another one and then another again. Yong Ha could feel his own heart race at a similar pace; it throbbed as high as in his temples and as low as in his loins.
He moved his face closer. His lips tasted the warm surface of Jae Shin’s skin, and Jae Shin tipped his head to the side, sighing.
Yong Ha dragged his tongue in one long stroke from the bottom of Jae Shin’s neck to the protuberance in its middle. He gasped, when Jae Shin’s fingers wound round his cock and stroked.
He closed his eyes. Immediately his mouth began to lavish wet kisses all over Jae Shin’s neck. He pushed Jae Shin’s disobedient hair behind the ear, but as he bit into the soft skin of the earlobe, a strand of hair caught between his lips. Yong Ha sputtered it out hastily.
With each stroke, the movements of Jae Shin’s hand stole a bit of Yong Ha’s self-control away. He moaned.
He wanted to tear Jae Shin’s trousers down and jump on him; he wanted to play on Jae Shin’s body, touching Jae Shin in the same way he was being touched now. He needed to hear how Jae Shin’s expression cracked with pleasure and how screams erupted from his mouth.
Instead, Yong Ha moved his mouth downwards, sucking and gnawing the tanned skin on Jae Shin’s throat until it flushed red.
Soon Jae Shin’s neck was flecked with spots as dark as ripe cherries. Wet from Yong Ha’s tongue, they gleamed under the suffused light. Yong Ha wiped the saliva away with his palm.
He pushed his lower body toward Jae Shin, seeking closer contact, but Jae Shin placed a hand on Yong Ha’s shoulder and stopped him.
They stared at each other, and then Yong Ha grinned.
He pulled the bed mat closer and lay down on his back.
Jae Shin shook his left arm out of the sleeve that remained wrapped around his wrist and pulled the sleeve from his elbow down on his other hand.
Without words, Yong Ha adjusted his position on the mat and waited for what Jae Shin would do.
Time ago, Yong Ha had doubted himself.
Each time he had caught himself wondering what it would be like… What it would be like to feel Jae Shin inside him, Yong Ha had questioned his own masculinity. Time ago, he’d fret and look for something else to distract him.
Yet at some point, Yong Ha couldn’t even tell when or how, the anxious desire to feel Jae Shin in each and every possible way had grown stronger. It had drowned the doubts almost entirely.
Yong Ha felt at ease now.
He smiled at Jae Shin.
Whatever Jae Shin wanted to do was fine, more than fine.
Jae Shin cast his gaze downwards and took his pants off slowly; first down to his knees, and when he had unlaced the ties around his ankles, he freed his legs as well. At last he removed the socks.
Yong Ha found himself grinning.
The muscles on Jae Shin’s belly were stiff and clearly outlined, and one of his palms clenched and opened nervously. Yong Ha’s eyes fixed slightly below Jae Shin’s navel, at the tout line of his cock and those dilated veins. At this, Jae Shin gulped in obvious embarrassment, and Yong Ha winked at him teasingly. Jae Shin shot Yong Ha an accusing look in response and groped his way over Yong Ha’s legs.
He traced Yong Ha’s chest and then rubbed the nipples as if to stop Yong Ha’s giggles. Finally he fondled Yong Ha’s crotch with shy yet curious fingers, and indeed Yong Ha stopped giggling.
He uttered a loud moan.
Jae Shin covered Yong Ha’s mouth the same instant, and his eyes darted toward the entrance. “Do you want others to hear?”
Yong Ha didn’t want that, of course, but he was fairly sure that nobody outside the room was paying attention and thus nobody would hear.
He kissed Jae Shin’s palm.
“Do you want me to get up and check if there’s anyone outside?” he said jokingly, though he had no intention of getting up now. His voice was muffled by Jae Shin’s hand. “I doubt anyone will hear anything, unless he’s is sticking his ear at the door.”
Jae Shin moved his hand away only when Yong Ha licked it. Huffing, Yong Ha scrambled up to his feet, put on merely his colorful robe, and peered outside.
The lights were out, and apart from the quiet snoring coming from one of the rooms, there was no sign of man or spirit.
“Hello?” Yong Ha whispered. “Anyone heeere? If you are, don’t interrupt us.”
Behind him, Jae Shin sighed at first and then laughed. “Close the door, before that gumiho you heard the last time comes to get you.”
Yong Ha flung the door close the same instant. “It won’t really come, will it?”
Jae Shin shrugged his shoulders and said, “Are you a child to still believe in such things?”
Smiling, Yong Ha stepped to Jae Shin and ruffled his hair. “But you won’t allow it to seduce me and eat my liver, even if it comes, right?” He kneeled down. “Or maybe you’re a gumiho yourself? Hm? But why aren’t you a girl? And you should change back into your true form when you’re naked. Why didn’t you change?”
Jae Shin filliped his fingers against Yong Ha’s forehead. “What’s this nonsense? You want to talk about spirits now?”
Yong Ha shook his head and rushed to open a drawer in one of the closets. He hid what he took inside his hands and placed into Jae Shin’s palm.
“What’s this?” said Jae Shin.
It was nothing but a tiny porcelain container with oil, and Yong Ha thanked his curious whims for making him keep this in his room.
“This,” said Yong Ha, tapping on the porcelain, “This is something I would be willing to talk about now.” He tilted his head. “If you don’t know how to use it, that is. Be careful not to spill it.”
He threw the silken robe away, pecked Jae Shin on the cheeks, and placed himself comfortably on the mattress.
Jae Shin opened the lid. Then he dipped his fingers in, came closer, and looked at Yong Ha.
For the first time, Yong Ha felt something akin to embarrassment, but it passed the moment he felt the touch of Jae Shin’s fingers.
They drifted along the inside of his thighs, tickling and leaving an oily trail behind. Jae Shin immersed the tips of his fingers into the jar again. He dragged them gently over the verge of the container to wipe the trickling oil away, and then he heaved a deep sigh as if to steady himself.
In anticipation, Yong Ha bit his lips and shifted his hands.
Jae Shin caressed him between the thighs, taking his time to feel around Yong Ha’s butthole, teasing and inflaming Yong Ha’s desire.
Then he slipped one finger inside slowly, as if held back by some fear or doubt.
Unable to find any words to reassure Jae Shin with, Yong Ha merely let out a sigh and waited. In all truth, Yong Ha himself could think of many reasons to hesitate or even desist now, yet he had stopped paying attention to them a while ago.
Whatever the rest of the world said and preached, Yong Ha was who he was, and he felt what he felt. A man may fool his mind, but he may not fool his senses. That was the only truth that resounded throughout his body - the desire to be touched.
Jae Shin penetrated inside with his middle finger too. The odd sensation, similar to mild discomfort, soon became yearning. Yong Ha lay calmly for a bit, and when he couldn’t stay still anymore, he moved away.
Jae Shin looked at him in surprise.
Without explanation, Yong Ha snatched the porcelain jar. He dipped up a bit of oil between his fingers of his right hand, placed his other hand under it to prevent the oil from dripping, and smiled. He coated Jae Shin’s cock carefully, until it was shiny and sleek from the root to the tip. Jae Shin was merely watching and biting his lips.
To provoke him further, Yong Ha rubbed his hands all over his own chest. The oil felt strange on the skin. When Jae Shin drew his hand from Yong Ha’s belly up and caressed the nipples, Yong Ha could feel goose bumps spreading over his limbs.
He captured Jae Shin’s palm and pressed it close to his heart. He thought he could feel his raging pulse even through Jae Shin’s hand, and he took a moment to calm himself.
Then Yong Ha stretched himself on the mattress.
Jae Shin’s hand escaped the grip almost immediately. It wandered over the skin on Yong Ha’s torso, following a capricious path that made Yong Ha arch his back.
Jae Shin moved in between Yong Ha’s legs.
There, he tried to find the right position. He was grating at Yong Ha’s skin with his cock and helping himself with hands.
He pushed in.
Yong Ha held his breath, easing his tense muscles and opening at the pressure between his thighs.
It was like a sharp wave that crashed against him and billowed deep.
Jae Shin’s hips were pressing forward with undulating motions.
Like a river that burst its banks during the rainy season.
Yong Ha breathed a soft moan.
It dragged him back and forward with its current, drowning him.
Yet not even that was enough.
It was not sufficient to placate the turmoil inside him or to fulfill his craving. Yong Ha rocked up and reached out with one hand to touch himself.
Jae Shin shoved the hand away. His fingers enfolded Yong Ha’s cock possessively and began tugging, almost as if Yong Ha had dared touch something that belonged solely to Jae Shin.
Although the yanks were too coarse, they were more agreeable than whenever Yong Ha had done it by himself. Far more thrilling, far more enjoyable. Yong Ha flashed a grin.
Their position was restricting Jae Shin’s movements and slowing his thrusts, and Jae Shin gritted his teeth. He placed his hands on the mattress, leaned on his elbows, and drove his cock deeper into Yong Ha.
Their faces were close.
The light, familiar odor of sweat was mixing with the pungent scent of herbs that was emanating from Jae Shin’s bandages.
Whenever Jae Shin lowered his head, his hair swept over Yong Ha’s cheeks and chin. His nostrils were widening and contracting as he swayed, his eyes ever intent on Yong Ha’s face, and before long he was panting and puffing as well.
Yong Ha surrendered gladly to the pace. He wouldn’t ask for anything more.
This was good enough.
If in future they would meet like this once in a while, abandoning themselves to passion during the night only to pretend in the morning that it didn’t happen, wasn’t that just as good?
‘It is good,’ he repeated in his mind.
Then he remembered that there might not be a second time. He might not feel the weight of Jae Shin’s body again, nor the texture of his skin. The abandon on Jae Shin’s face, his fretful moves, everything that Yong Ha could touch and see now; it could all belong to someone else shortly. And then Yong Ha might not be able to steal it away even for an hour or two.
The foreshadowing of loss and parting darkened Yong Ha’s mind. It tinged his passion with desperation, and he let it run free in all its childish folly, for if not now, when would he be able to do it?
He clasped his hands at Jae Shin’s back and clung onto him. He listened to the agitated breathing next to his ear, relishing in the sensation of closeness.
The thrusts of Jae Shin’s hips onto him and the shoves of Jae Shin’s shoulders were calming and maddening at the same time. Their chests rubbed against each other, and as Jae Shin moaned, Yong Ha wondered if it was out of pleasure or agony.
He lay still to see if the wound on Jae Shin’s torso was causing pain, yet if it was, Jae Shin didn’t show any sign of it. He kept ramming in with complete disregard for anything but Yong Ha.
Yong Ha touched the flushed skin on Jae Shin’s cheeks and skimmed over those red and tumid lips with his fingers.
Jae Shin shuddered.
His skin was hot, smooth, and Yong Ha smeared the tiny drops of sweat that had formed at the sides of Jae Shin’s face.
Jae Shin turned his head to kiss Yong Ha’s fingers and then searched for Yong Ha’s lips.
His tongue danced inside Yong Ha’s mouth, flicking in and out.
Yong Ha could feel his heart beat wildly against his ribcage, and though their bodies were pressing together with barely any space in between, though he felt Jae Shin inside, he wished Jae Shin would come closer still. Close enough to break Yong Ha’s chest and set his heart free.
He moved his hands over Jae Shin’s spine, squeezing and kneading the way down to Jae Shin’s butt. Jae Shin moaned quietly into Yong Ha’s mouth and pushed harder. Emulating the swings of Jae Shin’s body, Yong Ha was pushing up and scraping against Jae Shin’s belly.
Jae Shin let go of Yong Ha’s mouth. With his eyes close, he gasped for air.
His voice rose and broke unexpectedly, as if cut by a knife, and Yong Ha smiled, pressing Jae Shin’s buttocks down with his palms.
Jae Shin jerked a few times inside Yong Ha. His face writhed into a grimace, and his body sank down.
Yong Ha felt the light pulsation inside himself as Jae Shin lay motionless atop him. Jae Shin’s chest was heaving, and his mouth was casting warm breaths on Yong Ha’s neck. Even the weight of Jae Shin’s body was pleasant.
Wrapping his arms around Jae Shin’s back, Yong Ha said, “Mmm.”
Jae Shin moved his right hand on Yong Ha’s shoulder, while his left hand tried to sneak under Yong Ha’s waist as if to form a hug. He managed to tuck only part of his fingers between Yong Ha’s back and the mattress, as Yong Ha felt far too comfortable to move.
Jae Shin lifted his back after having rested a few moments in that half-done embrace. He pulled back, and much to Yong Ha’s disappointment, he didn’t let himself be caught by Yong Ha’s arms again.
His cock slid out.
Without any contact between their bodies, Yong Ha remained naked on the mattress.
He closed his eyes, trying to hide the disappointment that was crawling into his chest. It squeezed his ribs like a cold snake. He told himself that he would not cry, that he would not give yet another display of his heinous need for Jae Shin’s affection. Never again.
His breath hitched.
So that was it.
His eyes snapped open as he felt the caress of Jae Shin’s fingers on his crotch. In an instant, Yong Ha cast aside what he had been thinking, and he was grinning already. Joy surged all over him, leaving a titillating sensation in his groin.
Jae Shin licked his lips.
Nervously, he licked them again and looked down.
Yong Ha finally understood.
‘No need to do that,’ he wanted to say, but Jae Shin already dipped his head down and took Yong Ha’s cock into the mouth.
Yong Ha dug his nails into the mattress.
“You…” escaped from his lips. He pressed them tightly together and swallowed down.
He looked up at the ceiling, drawing loud, whistling breaths through his nose, until he couldn’t remain quiet anymore and his mouth opened up with a loud moan.
Jae Shin didn’t try to hush him down, he didn’t even halt.
The tugs, the wet warmth of Jae Shin’s mouth… everything Jae Shin did was both provoking and agonizing, and it enslaved Yong Ha’s senses completely.
Yong Ha thrust his body upwards without thinking.
Gagging, Jae Shin moved away, placed his hands on Yong Ha’s hips, and pushed them down. His hands began rubbing the base of Yong Ha’s cock again, only more roughly this time, while his teeth clasped the delicate skin at the tip in a nearly painful grip.
Yong Ha whimper and entwisted his right hand into the tresses of Jae Shin’s hair.
Almost as in an apology, the pressure of Jae Shin’s teeth softened and gave way to his tongue, which slowly licked away the soreness. Yong Ha brushed his fingers through Jae Shin’s hair. He moaned as Jae Shin’s lips started to glide up and down the length of his cock.
He could feel the cautious graze of teeth. Then the brush of the inside of Jae Shin’s cheek and the feeling of skin that was stretching under the pressure. Yong Ha clenched the muscles on his stomach.
Finally Jae Shin rolled his tongue across the tip again. He sucked at it, and then his mouth began falling and raising around Yong Ha’s cock at a greater speed. The crude pace forced Yong Ha into wails, at which Jae Shin only stroked with more vigor.
Right below his buttocks, Yong Ha could feel a slight prickling. A chill run up his back and pervaded his whole body. It spread down his arms, teased its way into his toes and back into his belly.
“Geol Oh,” Yong Ha said. The scratchy, needy voice didn’t even seem his.
Jae Shin peered at him from between the hair. At the contact with those dark eyes, it seethed and churned with pleasure inside Yong Ha’s loins.
Jae Shin grabbed for Yong Ha’s right nipple with one hand.
“Ah.” Yong Ha dropped his head back.
The tension sent his muscles into twitches. He pushed deeper into Jae Shin’s mouth and cried out.
He felt as though something plucked him up into the air. It twisted his body until it split apart, until it shattered into a thousand disjointed fragments; the sweet pressure in his lungs, the sighs in his throat, the white dots below his eyelids. His throbbing cock inside Jae shin’s mouth, the pleasure of letting go, his fingers clutching the mattress.
Yong Ha fell back to the ground.
His chest was heaving.
After a hasty glance at the door, he looked at Jae Shin.
Jae Shin’s face contorted, and the back of his hand shot up to cover his mouth.
Quickly, he grabbed his robe with the other hand to search for something in it, and before long he was spitting into a cloth.
Yong Ha sat up, white spangles washing away the edges of his vision, and he smiled. “I’m sorry.”
Jae Shin wiped his lips. Before he tucked the cloth away again, Yong Ha jumped closer.
“Is that my handkerchief?” Yong Ha pointed at it with his index finger.
Jae Shin hid it beneath his clothes, avoiding Yong Ha’s eyes.
“It’s mine, isn’t it?” With a satisfied smirk, Yong Ha sucked his lower lip in. He reached out for the robe on the floor, but Jae Shin caught him by the wrist and pulled it down.
Yong Ha’s palm landed on Jae Shin’s thigh.
“What are you grinning for? I must have accidentally taken it after…” Jae Shin swallowed down. “At one time or another.”
“Ahuh,” said Yong Ha, moving his face closer. He decided not to press further into the matter - Jae Shin’s shy gaze was more than satisfying already.
They sat in front of each other. Jae Shin’s eyes were flashing between Yong Ha’s face and something indiscernible slightly above Yong Ha’s head.
The fingers around Yong Ha’s wrist softened their grip, and Jae Shin’s hand slid down timidly, over Yong Ha’s knuckles, where it finally rested.
The warmth that radiated from Jae Shin’s skin was soft yet prickled like a blaze on cold fingertips. It disclosed a strange longing, a yearning without name, like a void that revealed its true depth only once it had begun to be filled.
It went beyond the want to feel Jae Shin’s flesh, beyond the urge to hear his sighs. Yong Ha wanted all that, of course. Needed it, even, needed with every bit of his body, but he wanted more still. More.
Yong Ha could not grasp it and neither could he deny it. The names he had heard for it seemed shallow, the descriptions laughable.
The only things that seemed real and tangible were the touch on his fingers and the light in Jae Shin’s eyes. They constructed a meaning on their own and drove everything else in submission.
Yong Ha opened his hand into Jae Shin’s.
One by one their fingers entwined. Little finger on little finger, one thumb over another, palm on palm.
Jae Shin watched him without wavering now, head tilted expectantly, and Yong Ha leaned closer.
As their lips touched, Yong Ha could still feel the subtle prickling of excitement. It bubbled inside and below his belly. It made his head as light as if he were floating through the air. He squeezed Jae Shin’s hand more tightly. Then he ran his tongue across the slit between Jae Shin’s lips and pried inside.
The taste was vaguely bitter, followed by tiny stings on his tongue, and he smiled amidst the kiss, drawing pleasure from the thought that Jae Shin’s mouth tasted of Yong Ha.
Something inside him screamed, ‘Mine.’ Jae Shin’s mouth belonged to Yong Ha.
He pulled back, lips spread in a grin, and pressed another kiss on Jae Shin’s mouth. Two more on the cheeks, before Jae Shin became embarrassed enough to turn Yong Ha’s face away.
Jae Shin maintained his face serious, or at least he tried to; the wry set of his mouth and the wrinkles around his eyes betrayed him.
Yong Ha pinched Jae Shin’s cheeks and pulled the corners of the mouth up.
“There.” Yong Ha said. He pressed Jae Shin’s lips into a funny moue, stretched them back into a smile, and swiftly released them before Jae Shin would become irritated.
“Tsk. What are you doing?” said Jae Shin, yet even without the help of Yong Ha’s fingers, his lips remained curled up.
Yong Ha got up and took a few cloths from one of the closets. Jae Shin wasn’t really expecting an answer, and Yong Ha wasn’t planning to give one anyway, so he threw one cloth to Jae Shin and began to clean himself with the other.
His hands were tarrying in order to prolong the moment.
If only time could stop and the two of them could stay like this, if only that were possible…
What if they simply remained hanging somewhere in between, without any question or explanation? Without the futile search for truth and deeper meanings. If they could stay as close as they were now, without any intrusion from the world outside, wouldn’t that be nice?
Yong Ha let out a silent sigh.
He kept his gaze low, trying to focus on his own hands and the cloth, but he felt as though his limbs were not his own. His hands were moving as if by someone else’s command.
He squeezed his right hand in a fist, feeling the fabric of the cloth beneath his fingers and the light pressure where his nails dug into his palm.
As he glimpsed in Jae Shin’s direction, their eyes met, and Yong Ha smiled and raised his brows playfully, though he felt more anxious and confused with each passing moment.
He looked down again.
What now? What was the meaning of this evening? What if… Was this the moment when all would crumble apart? Like cold coals that turn to dust at the faintest touch?
Fear, white as his bent knuckles, slowed Yong Ha’s movements and erased his composure.
Jae Shin seemed calm, taking his time in silence, and Yong Ha didn’t have the patience to wait and guess what Jae Shin was thinking.
He almost screamed, ‘Say something,’ but instead he began to clothe himself. As if that roused Jae Shin from his thoughts, he too reached for his trousers.
Yong Ha couldn’t decide what he wished to do now.
Was it better to keep silent or was it better to speak? Yet hadn’t he already spoken? What was the meaning of all this?
Shouldn’t he be content with things as they were?
The line of Jae Shin’s cheeks, slightly hollow and protruding near the lips, the hair falling on his eyes, the shape of Jae Shin’s lips… Everything from Jae Shin’s half-vacant gaze to his slumped shoulders, every tiny feature burned itself into Yong Ha’s mind. Every little thing stirred pain and madness and the need to know. It was like a weight crushing him, something that propelled him to move lest it would rip him apart. It bade him to speak though that would hurt more than remaining silent.
Yong Ha took a deep breath.
Nevertheless, it could not hurt more than the silences and the jests he wrapped his ridiculous desires in. It couldn’t hurt more than the tiny voice that whispered, ‘Liar, Liar,’ whenever he masked himself with smiles or seemingly innocuous words.
Yong Ha cursed his heart for wanting something that could not be given to him, and cursed himself for not daring to utter his wish unless he phrased it as a joke.
“Geol Oh,” he said.
The next day he would say that he’d been inebriated by the moment, or that his reasoning had been clouded by liquor. Tomorrow he would deny everything if he’d had to, but Yong Ha had to say it right now.
Jae Shin was sitting and toying with the cloth with nervous fingers.
“Geol Oh,” Yong Ha repeated and sat down next to Jae Shin.
The line of Jae Shin’s shoulders became tense, his eyes denying contact for long instants, but finally he put the cloth away and looked at Yong Ha.
Yong Ha smiled and removed a strand of hair from Jae Shin’s face. Then he caressed Jae Shin’s left cheek with a thumb.
Jae Shin’s eyes shut slowly, while his mouth opened as in a sigh.
It didn’t console Yong Ha that Jae Shin looked about as lost as he himself was; on the contrary, it made him wary of his own words and intents.
He wondered how many times a thing already broken could break again.
His voice wavered as he took a breath to speak.
“And this time remember…” said Yong Ha. “…remember that I will always stand by your side.” He couldn’t think of anything else, and the lump in his throat was rising higher.
Jae Shin made a faint nod with his head.
Yong Ha’s right hand traced the untied hems of Jae Shin’s vest, careful not to press on the bandages. “Even when you’ll dress decent clothes and behave like a proper man in society, with a respectful position and courteous words… With wife and children and…. Remember that I…”
Though Yong Ha didn’t know how to continue, it turned out he wouldn’t be able to either way.
Jae Shin seized his hand by the wrist and narrowed his eyes. “What kind of absurdity are you sputtering now?” His voice sounded not as much annoyed as downright angry, as if Yong Ha had uttered something unbelievable, when he had in truth only stated common sense.
“Where would a man who lives like me think of marriage?” Jae Shin let go of Yong Ha’s wrist. “I have been thinking of death and revenge for ten years, ten years I’ve been living in hell, and you talk of marriage and children and a respectful job? Have you gone insane?”
“You won’t always have to live in hell,” Yong Ha said, searching for Jae Shin’s hand. “When you avenge your brother’s death and clear his name, when you get your satisfaction, what will you do? It could happen soon. We’re close to finding the Geum Deung Ji Sa. We’re searching for it under the direct orders of the king. Whatever his true motives are, don’t you see that your brother’s sacrifice is being acknowledged even by the king himself? Isn’t that what you wanted? You can’t bring your brother back, Jae Shin. What will you do now?”
Yong Ha could tell that Jae Shin had never thought that far, that he had never imagined himself free of his brother’s ghost or the hatred he had felt toward his father. He had never imagined himself living his life.
Yong Ha grabbed Jae Shin by the collar. “Geol Oh,” he hissed. “You can’t live like this anymore. I won’t let you.”
Although he hadn’t intended to say this, not now, Yong Ha knew that he should. “What will you do after you find revenge? Tell me what you want.”
As Jae Shin merely looked away, Yong Ha shook him.
“What do you want, Geol Oh?”
Jae Shin’s voice was no more than a whisper. “I’m not looking for revenge anymore. It’s… I only want to find the Geum Deung Ji Sa and see what’s written in it. I need to know what my brother gave his life for.”
He looked at Yong Ha, the corners of his eyes rimmed with red and his lower lips trembling. “I need to know that.”
His gaze seemed to plead for understanding or even forgiveness.
Yong Ha nodded and released him. “We will find it.”
“And,” said Jae Shin. “I…” His hands moved as if to touch Yong Ha but stopped halfway, and Jae Shin looked the other side. “I want to be as I am now. Us… as we are.”
“What do you mean?” Yong Ha lifted his index finger and moved it in the air, thinking, guessing.
As if something squeezed his entrails from inside and knocked the air out of his lungs, Yong Ha came forward. “You mean the four of us? You mean…” he paused. “Do you mean me?”
His mind had already jumped to the conclusion that couldn’t possibly be the real one, and his lips were already widening into a smile.
“You want me to be with you, don’t you?” the words came out lightly, jokingly. “You want me to kiss you and touch you. Every day.” He giggled. “And you want me to come to bed with you every single night. And we can try every position from my books. Well, maybe not everyone.” He emphasized his words with a wink. “Isn’t that what you want? Yes?”
Jae Shin laughed, showing off his white teeth and shaking his head at Yong Ha’s silliness. His eyes glimmered, though they were still woven with red.
Then he nodded once. “Yes.”
The smile on Yong Ha’s lips died. He opened his mouth but no voice came out. Instead he was teetering between hysteric tears and laughter, unable to do either, since he couldn’t decide to trust his own ears.
“Yes,” Yong Ha repeated, or perhaps asked.
Jae Shin sighed and rubbed his palms onto his trousers. “It must be my misfortune. Of all the women in Joseon, I end up going with you.” He inhaled. “And since things are like this, and I’ve already made my decision, you’ll have to go with me too. With me. Only me.”
His eyes flittered to Yong Ha and away.
Yong Ha sensed the question in those words and nodded quickly in response. He’d probably say yes to whatever Jae Shin asked of him.
“And you won’t even have such problems,” said Yong Ha and raised his shoulders and head as if he were hiccupping. “See? We’re a perfect match; we were destined to be together.” He clapped his hands and grinned.
Jae Shin smiled. “Then we’ll stay… together. Now stop before you make me say something even more embarrassing.”
Yong Ha felt tempted to do exactly that, but there was one more thing that weighted on his mind. One more thing he had to know.
“But…but… What about Daemul?” he said.
Jae Shin glanced sideways in annoyance. “I told you that’s over.”
“Yes, but you liked her, didn’t you? Human emotions don’t change so fast,” said Yong Ha. He waited, feeling his throat go dry, while Jae Shin took that used cloth with one hand and released it again.
“I was hoping that… I was trying to…” said Jae Shin. He smacked his lips. “Why do I have to explain myself? Aren’t you the one known to every gisaeng in the capital? You have a thousand different things to clarify before I even start explaining myself.”
Yong Ha smiled. It was true; there were many things that would need elaboration, so many things they’d have to put in their right place. So many fears to dispel and some even to keep.
Not now, however.
Yong Ha grabbed Jae Shin’s shoulder and rubbed his face against it. “It’s all right as long as you are with me. That’s all I care about.” He broke into a smile. “And you will be, won’t you?” Without waiting for an answer, Yong Ha continued. “Do you know how many positions I wanted to try with you? Hundreds! Ah, that will be fun. You won’t regret it.”
Yong Ha pulled back and winked. “I, Yeorim Goo Yong Ha, will show you what love is like.”
The light tap he got on the forehead was not unexpected, and it certainly didn’t stop him from simpering like an idiot.
He could still feel a pressure tightening around his ribcage and crushing the middle of his chest. When it came to human heart and laws, nothing was simple and everything was uncertain. But Yong Ha needed it to be simple, one thing to be as simple as Jae Shin’s arms around him. One thing where he didn’t have to doubt. One person with whom he could be himself and show all his shame, his joy, and every bit of his ludicrous hopes. That person had to be Jae Shin, for Yong Ha couldn’t imagine anyone else.
He pulled Jae Shin into an embrace and laid his whole weight on Jae Shin’s side, trying not to burden the gash on Jae Shin’s chest. It was warm, the closeness invigorating, and Yong Ha’s nostrils were taking in the fragrance of Jae Shin’s skin with renewed craving.
Most of his life, Yong Ha had been learning how every person thought of himself first and deceived others. Confucian teachings or not, the world was unjust, and that was an order more natural than the one the heavens had ordained.
‘Look at the means which a man employs, consider his motives, observe his pleasures. A man simply cannot conceal himself!’ Those were probably the only teachings upon which his father would have ever agreed with Confucius or any other of those illustrious dead men.
In fact, Yong Ha’s father had his own version of that lesson. ‘Stay low, keep the friends that might turn useful, search for everyone’s weakness. If you do that, you’ll succeed in this world even though you’re not a yangban.’
Yong Ha had to wonder how much of his father was still clinging to his every thought.
There were many pleasant things in life, why focus on the ones that couldn’t be changed? Wine, clothes, women, and whatever amusement others could provide with their hidden riddles - that should have been enough. It exceeded some faraway dreams of fools who stripped their heart bare for anyone to see or harm.
Meanwhile dissatisfaction had smoldered inside him, and each time Yong Ha had pushed it down, it had shone yet brighter.
Now he wanted to believe that things could be simple, that things could be better.
Jae Shin placed one hand over Yong Ha’s back and stroked it timidly, as if they hadn’t been grabbing each other, rubbing their bodies together, and entwining their tongues just a while ago.
Yong Ha relaxed at the touch.
What was that safety he had sought? There was more peace here, while he was leaning vulnerable onto Jae Shin, than it was in anything else he had done before.
“Your brother,” said Yong Ha, “and what he was carrying that day, maybe none of it truly lost. Maybe somewhere in the future, the Geum Deung Ji Sa will be more than lost words. Maybe those words will really give way to a new era, like the king says. A Joseon where status isn’t important, where a man’s ability, or perhaps a woman’s ability, is more important than their background. A world where people can follow their hearts freely. If that came to be, wouldn’t that mean your brother achieved what he wanted to?” Yong Ha clasped his hands around Jae Shin more firmly. “I don’t know if that’s possible, I really don’t, but if it is… I don’t trust the king, but I trust you. You, Daemul, and Garang. If anyone can create a new world, it’s you.” He sniffed, thinking that tomorrow he would have many words to be embarrassed of.
Jae Shin still hadn’t told him to act like a man, however, and that was enough.
“So don’t think of throwing away your life ever again,” said Yong Ha. The weight of the whole day choked off his words. The exhaustion, the hunger, the fears, the hopes…
Below his lip, it was smarting again from Jae Shin’s punch…
Everything from the student council, to Sun Joon in prison, to Daemul’s hopeful face, and Jae Shin again… Always Jae Shin… It came back to Yong Ha and overwhelmed him.
Yong Ha couldn’t say, ‘Don’t think of throwing me away ever again,’ thus he was clinging to Jae Shin instead. He stopped fighting the tears, because it would be no use now. They weren’t even silent, unnoticeable drops as he had hoped.
No, they came with loud sobs. And the strange noises and the pitiful convulsions started as well, and Yong Ha wouldn’t be able to hide even if he wanted to.
It burned up to the root of his nose, it burned inside his eyes, and in his chest. As he shed his tears, Yong Ha felt as though he was shedding his pain and his apprehension as well. His wailing grew louder, and he dug hi fingers into Jae Shin’s clothes, tearing in helplessly, so the pain would stop.
He couldn’t even tell if Jae Shin tried to move away or if he was sobbing as well.
“I, Geol Oh, I,” Yong Ha began but never finished.
Jae Shin kissed him on the temples, gulped, and kissed him again. Yong Ha laughed amidst tears.
Only slowly he sensed how his body calmed down and the sobs became less violent. It prickled in his hands, and his vision was blurred even after he had wiped his eyes. His throat hurt as if someone had scratched it from inside. He sobbed again.
Nevertheless, he could still see that Jae Shin rubbed his own eyes too. Then Jae Shin wiped away the tears from one side of Yong Ha’s cheeks.
“How long do you plan to keep this up, huh?” said Jae Shin, his voice going from a whisper to a shrill and back again. “This expression doesn’t suit you at all. Aren’t you Goo Yong Ha?”
Yong Ha nodded, because he couldn’t speak. He got up and rummaged through his collection of books. He picked one and ran back to Jae Shin.
“See this one?” he opened the book and showed one illustration. “I want to try this the next time. And I’ll be this…” His index finger tapped on the figure of a man who was lying atop of another figure.
Jae Shin came closer and blinked. “Am I supposed to be this one, then?” he pointed at the figure that was below. Only its face, arms, and one leg were visible.
“I won’t do that,” said Jae Shin but peeked again at the illustration.
Yong Ha smiled. By the look on Jae Shin’s face, which was betraying both embarrassment and expectation, Yong Ha could tell that Jae Shin would agree this same instant, if only Yong Ha decided to ask.
“Why not?” said Yong Ha, his confidence returning to him. “What about this, then?” He leafed through the pages and showed another illustration to Jae Shin. “This should be easy enough for you too.” He pressed a kiss on Jae Shin’s nose.
Jae Shin elbowed him in the ribs, and before Yong Ha could search for a third illustration, Jae Shin took it from him and held it high above their heads.
Yong Ha stretched his arm to reach the book, but Jae Shin lifted it a little higher. From his sitting position, Yong Ha pushed himself up. He touched the book this time but couldn’t get hold of it because Jae Shin was faster. The red cover crumpled at the margin.
“That’s part of my precious collection,” said Yong Ha. “Don’t ruin it.”
He leaped again, one of his knees between Jae Shin’s legs, his both hands springing up to snatch the book, and his face nearing Jae Shin’s.
They both tumbled down.
Jae Shin groaned as his back hit the floor, releasing the book and grimacing. Yong Ha pulled back and tugged at Jae Shin’s vest frantically.
“Are you all right?” Yong Ha said, checking the bandages. Then he cupped Jae Shin’s face with both hands. “Are you all right? Moon Jae Shin?”
Jae Shin smiled, lying in the same position and observing Yong Ha.
“Don’t scare me like that.” Yong Ha squeezed his lips in an angry pout and raised his fist, but Jae Shin already dragged him down.
Yong Ha ended atop of Jae Shin again. He didn’t even try to retrieve his book.
Jae Shin lifted his head just enough to kiss Yong Ha below the eyes, and then his head sank down once more. A complacent smile marked his countenance, while his right hand went up to Yong Ha’s nose and travelled leisurely over his lips and neck. It settled on Yong Ha’s collarbone.
Yong Ha felt the heat coming from Jae Shin’s body under him, the pressure where their hips touched. His breaths quickened. He changed position to reach Jae Shin’s mouth more easily, and Jae Shin’s hand was already tugging at his collar. Their lips brushed together, and their tongues barely touched.
Yong Ha smiled. He nestled against Jae Shin’s side, and when Jae Shin moved to kiss his forehead, he closed his eyes and let out a sigh.
Inside him everything was fluttering, fluttering.
He woke in the morning light, before the bell, and as soon as his eyes recognized the familiar sight of his room, Yong Ha searched the spot next to him.
Jae Shin was still there.
He was turned to Yong Ha, hands tucked in the blanket, which was wrapped firmly around him from the waist down.
Yong Ha drew closer.
In the sleep, Jae Shin’s countenance was peaceful, unperturbed. A few strands of hair were covering his cheek, and his lips seemed even plumper than usual, drooping slightly toward the ground.
Unintentionally Yong Ha sighed through smiling lips.
Jae Shin’s eyelashes were fluttering and following the movement of his eyes, which were darting restlessly under the lids. Yong Ha gasped once, when Jae Shin’s eyelids shot up a bit more, as if to pry open.
Yong Ha rubbed his own lower lip with his fingers and then grinned. He breathed a gentle blow on Jae Shin’s left ear, but Jae Shin only twitched and continued sleeping.
Thus Yong Ha pursed his lips again and sent another breath.
Jae Shin shifted, and finally he jumped up, hitting Yong Ha’s nose with his head in the process.
“Ah,” said Yong Ha, grabbing his aching nose.
Jae Shin’s eyes were wide with surprise. “What are you doing?”
“You’re so cold to me, Geol Oh,” said Yong Ha. “Yesterday too. Look what you did to me.”
He picked his lip between his fingers and rolled it down, showing where the incision from Jae Shin’s punch was. “Itz ere. Shee?”
“That’s… That’s because you do such things,” stuttered Jae Shin.
Yong Ha pouted. “But it still hurts.”
Jae Shin looked away as if hiding his guilt from Yong Ha’s eyes. “And what were you doing now, anyway?”
“Watching you,” said Yong Ha and pursed his lips even more.
Jae Shin snorted, and his hand touched Yong Ha’s chin. It brushed softly over the spot of skin that concealed the cut on the inside.
Then he planted a kiss on it. The next kiss went to Yong Ha’s mouth, and Yong Ha opened his lips avidly, letting Jae Shin’s tongue glide inside. Yong Ha rolled his own tongue alongside it, pushing back and forward. The sound of wet smacks sent a tickling sensation from the back of his neck and down his spine. He could feel his guts churning. Yong Ha shuffled with his hand through the layers of the blanket and Jae Shin’s clothes to tease.
“Hmm,” he said, fingers grazing over Jae Shin’s arousal.
Jae Shin tensed and pulled the blanket back on, and then he cleared his throat. “I’ll have to go.”
“Go? Where?” Yong Ha kept his voice slow and provoking. He liked how Jae Shin swallowed down and breathed.
“I can’t go to see the king like this. I need to get the clothes in my room,” said Jae Shin. He rapped his finger at Yong Ha’s temples, and Yong Ha waved his hands in excitement.
“So you’ll dress properly, hat and everything?” Yong Ha said.
“Yes.” Jae Shin’s voice was barely audible.
He brushed his fingers through Jae Shin’s hair. “Will you even know how? Do you need my help?”
When he stroked Jae Shin’s neck, it bent under his touch.
Jae Shin closed his eyes for an instant. “What would I need your help with? With your sense of fashion, who knows what I’d end up looking like,” said Jae Shin, and moved Yong Ha’s hand away.
“You won’t find a man dressed better than me in the whole capital,” said Yong Ha. “What about the wound?”
Jae Shin shrugged. “It’s fine.”
“And what will you do about that?” Yong Ha pointed at the red blotches at both sides of Jae Shin’s neck; they were visible only at the base of the neck on the left side, but on the right, they covered a large part of Jae Shin’s throat.
“Will you leave it like that?” said Yong Ha.
Jae Shin scratched his neck. “Where? What?”
Smirking, Yong Ha passed him a mirror.
“What’s this? What have you done?” Jae Shin looked furiously at Yong Ha and back into the mirror.
“You didn’t seem to mind yesterday.” Yong Ha rubbed his index finger on his lips. “Well, you could use something to cover it up. The gisaengs use different tricks to hide the imperfection of the skin.”
“The gi… You want me to use something the gisaeng use? You must be joking. And where would you even get such a thing? No, I don’t want to hear,” Jae Shin grumbled and pushed the mirror back into Yong Ha’s hands.
Yong Ha put it aside. “Then, dear Geol Oh, I have another solution for you.”
Jae Shin wagged his head as if to urge Yong Ha to speak, and Yong Ha smoothed Jae Shin’s collar.
“If you’re going to keep your hair up in the topknot,” Yong Ha said, “you’ll have to be really careful to keep your collar high enough as well.”
He pulled the fabric around Jae Shin’s neck slightly up, and Jae Shin rolled his eyes.
“It wouldn’t hurt if you tried to powder like I propo…” began Yong Ha.
“No,” said Jae Shin.
Yong Ha didn’t insist. He turned to nestle his face between Jae Shin’s throat and chin. “Are you really leaving already? Aaaah, I’m going to miss you.”
“I’m not going to be away even for an hour. What’s with this sentimentality?” Despite his words, Jae Shin’s arm came to embrace Yong Ha’s shoulder and give it a light squeeze.
Yong Ha straightened his back. “We will free Lee Sun Joon today. You don’t’ have to be nervous.”
Jae Shin lifted his chin and nudged Yong Ha gently in the ribs. “Who is nervous?”
Yong Ha knew they both were. Nervous and worried something would go wrong.
Yong Ha’s mind was already sifting through several possibilities, searching solutions for any obstacle that they might cross.
There were at least three different things Ha In Soo could still do in an attempt to stop them, and many scholars might yet need some convincing before they’d be willing to sign the petition. Yong Ha had said he’d leave everything to Daemul, but of course he could not.
Then there was the king.
The king might decide to use the situation for his own purposes and keep Lee Sun Joon captive. Who could tell? Yong Ha knew better than to trust a man who was sitting in such place of power and battling for more control.
Sun Joon’s father was one of the leaders of the Noron faction, after all. What better bargaining chip was there but the beloved son of your opposer? The king could use Sun Joon’s life to either influence the Norons through the Left State Minister, or if that failed, at least to split the faction from inside.
Yong Ha sighed.
Jae Shin was observing him in silence, gaze rapt and curious despite the restrained features, and Yong Ha felt compelled to steal another kiss.
With his eyes on Jae Shin’s lips, he moved closer.
He still couldn’t believe that he was free to do that, free to take, and Jae Shin wouldn’t resist.
He couldn’t believe that Jae Shin would kiss back instead.
Jae Shin’s lips were lingering in front of Yong Ha and opening invitingly. Then Jae Shin already pushed forward to nab at Yong Ha’s lower lip and run his tongue over Yong Ha’s. His kisses were interrupted only by shy, flaming glances in between.
It seemed impossible. Yong Ha had to grin.
Jae Shin got up. “Be careful not to do anything strange today, especially not when others are around.”
He looked at Yong Ha in a way that was perhaps supposed to be menacing, but it only sent Yong Ha into giggles.
“Do anything strange? Like what?” Yong Ha said and winked. “Hm, I think I’ll just behave like I normally do.”
“Like you normally?” A mixture of dejection and irritation grew in Jae Shin’s voice. “Like normally? Is that so?”
Yong Ha gave a solemn nod, knowing full well that his normal behavior looked outrageous enough in Jae Shin’s eyes.
Dressing up into his robe, Jae Shin said, “Then don’t expect me to behave any different than usual either.”
“But in public. Only in public, right?” said Yong Ha.
Jae Shin smiled and walked to the door.
“Right?” repeated Yong Ha. “Hey, Geol Oh! Geol Oh!”
Jae Shin turned back.
Yong Ha squeezed his lips together into a pout and sent a kiss through the air. He smiled at Jae Shin, and the corners of Jae Shin’s mouth curved up as well, revealing a tantalizing line of white teeth.
“Only in public,” said Yong Ha softly, and Jae Shin’s head sank with a nod.
Jae Shin’s eyes shone brightly before he turned to the door. He shook his head and smacked his tongue, and Yong Ha could hear hushed laugher. Then Jae Shin walked out.
Yong Ha sighed, allowing happiness to splash over every limb in his body.
“And now to save Lee Sun Joon,” he said.
He took two different robes into his hands, one pink and one red. “This or this?”
Whichever he’d choose, Yong Ha knew already the most captivating sight would not be him but Jae Shin instead. Jae Shin, dressed as a proper man.
“This one.” Yong Ha lifted the red robe. “I wonder if it’ll match with what Geol Oh will be wearing.”
Match or no match, they would still be together.
Nothing remained the same forever, and thus Yong Ha and Jae Shin would change with time as well.
Yong Ha was more than aware of that. Yet the way they were changing, he couldn’t have been more pleased.
It spread inside his body like a silent euphoria that revealed itself only the mild tremors of his hands and the pleasant twisting inside his guts.
He let out a long breath.
While it seemed to Yong Ha that the whole world was different since yesterday, he knew it was not.
Of course, there would be new things to learn, new people to meet, and new obstacles to overcome.
Without any doubt there would be anger and tears as well, perhaps even as early as today, but he wasn’t afraid of that anymore.
Whatever the future would bring, Yong Ha sensed in himself a strange certainty that he would find a way to make things right. And if he could not find a way, he would create one anew.
“Because I’m Goo Yong Ha,” he said and glided his hand over the soft silk.
He, Geol Oh, and the rest of the Jalgeum quartet.
His lips shot up in a grin.
EPILOGUE - Silken Ties