apparently I have a lot of thoughts
Sometimes I wonder about all the time I spend on my laptop. I've pretty much been doing nothing but 1D and LJ for the past 2+ days. Now this is a bit much even for me, but still. I just get the feeling like I'm wasting time or something. You know the whole, life's short, make the most of it (and hint: that doesn't mean spending hours at a time on the internet). The feeling like I should be "out there" doing "something". I know plenty of people probably get this feeling at times. That worry/anxiousness about missing out.
But then I ask myself, "what something?". I can't really name it, it's just some vague idea involving friends and wildness and adventure. Somewhere "out there" which basically means anywhere but my apartment. "Something" is amazing and fantastic and is always waiting for me just out of my reach. It's mysterious and fabulous and all the people who are making the most of their lives are doing it.
And it doesn't exist.
It took me a long time to realize this. For ages I wanted to turn my life into a book or a movie or a tv show. Now logically I knew of course reality wasn't like fiction, and yet there was still this overwhelming feeling of expecting more- which not only leads to disapointment in your life, but in yourself for not constantly doing "something".
I'm not saying that I should just never leave my room and go out and interact with the world (physically anyway). But I should not think of all my not-doing-anything times as not worth my time. I shouldn't think that I'm doing life "wrong". I have my regrets in life, but rarely do I think "oh that night. yep. that's the night I missed something because I was [insert favorite internet activity here]." And I'm pretty sure I thoroughly enjoyed whatever the heck I was doing instead. And while I want to write a book and see the world and party until dawn... it's not going to happen tonight.
"Something" can be amazing and fantastic, but the moments in between can be so as well.
But then I ask myself, "what something?". I can't really name it, it's just some vague idea involving friends and wildness and adventure. Somewhere "out there" which basically means anywhere but my apartment. "Something" is amazing and fantastic and is always waiting for me just out of my reach. It's mysterious and fabulous and all the people who are making the most of their lives are doing it.
And it doesn't exist.
It took me a long time to realize this. For ages I wanted to turn my life into a book or a movie or a tv show. Now logically I knew of course reality wasn't like fiction, and yet there was still this overwhelming feeling of expecting more- which not only leads to disapointment in your life, but in yourself for not constantly doing "something".
I'm not saying that I should just never leave my room and go out and interact with the world (physically anyway). But I should not think of all my not-doing-anything times as not worth my time. I shouldn't think that I'm doing life "wrong". I have my regrets in life, but rarely do I think "oh that night. yep. that's the night I missed something because I was [insert favorite internet activity here]." And I'm pretty sure I thoroughly enjoyed whatever the heck I was doing instead. And while I want to write a book and see the world and party until dawn... it's not going to happen tonight.
"Something" can be amazing and fantastic, but the moments in between can be so as well.