All about The U...
I really shouldn't have sent you that... I did exactly what I didn't want done to me. Beer makes you do some really silly things sometimes...
I didn't respond this week bc that's the same message I've been holding back from sending you. The hardest thing is knowing that we could have been fine with each other had you handled the situation differently. I've made up excuses for you for way too long, always defending you and I just can't do that anymore. You fucked up, I tried my hardest, and you wouldn't budge, what more was there left for me to do? I couldn't sit there and give you anything else without feeling like I was getting something in return. The reason I didn't respond is bc it hurt me to my very core to see that message... to see you.
I shut down for 2 days, erased the message, and still I was reciting that message to myself over and over again. Waking up on Wednesday & Thursday with swollen eyes from all the crying. All the crying I hadn't done just catching up to me ... I wish I could be normal with you, and I have a gut wrenching anxiety thinking that it will never happen for us. Kevin and I crossed so many lines and burned so many bridges, that when things ended it was ugly and it was for a good reason. Therefore I can be okay with him, we weren't in love for a part of our relationship and I can say 100% that I am not in love with him.
I not only love you, I'm in love with you and it's not going anywhere as hard as I try. I cry, no bc I'm weak, but bc I've been strong for so long...
For the record,
1. watching Monday night TV without you is incredibly hard and I cry every time, especially when Barney gets all deep... And that damn German talking about love on the train station. He killed me.
2. A million diff things happen in my day that make me laugh and think of you.
3. Every country song reminds me if you, particularly Somewhere with you and Kiss Tomorrow good bye.
4. I never sing Taylor Swifts we are never getting back together. Bc while I know we won't, when it comes to you, I'll never say never.
I want this to be okay, and talk to you and be fine, and I'm trying, I tell myself I am, but when it comes down to it... I find myself in tears and heartache.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.