(no subject)
After just reading something entirely amazing, it's funny how it put me in the mood to write. I Can get so inspired so easily, it seems. I just wish that I was little again. I love how I am in such a rush to grow up. When you're little, you don't care about your future, your grades, what anybody thinks, you don't question who you are, and who your parents are, you are totally oblivious to the world-wide chaos, you have little or no responsibilities...it sounds so amazing...now, why would I ever want to leave that all behind? It's because life presents you with all sorts of problems--trials and tribulations, if you will. You grow out of wanting to be the naive kid that plays all day and has a good night's sleep. And it's incredible. Surely, I've never dubbed any problem in the past that has arisen incredible, but now that I look back all of them have shaped who I am today. And that's what life is all about. I'm listening to this song by John Mayer, and the last line that I completely tuned into said "I wish I was six again." Don't we all. But at the same time, I find myself wishing I was much older. 25 or something. It seems like I can actually live at that age. I feel like my parents hinder what I really want to do. I feel like I'm held back by them. I just feel like I am living the way they want me to live. There was a time when I was going to hang out with some kids, and my mom started giving me this talk about drugs or something...and I remember telling her, "mom, I am a good kid. do you want me to be a bad kid? because I could, but don't think I am a good kid for you." something like that. but it was such a lie. I'm so afraid that I will not make them happy. I am so afraid of them being ashamed of me. I am so afraid that they won't accept whatever I do with my life. I am so afraid that I will make them unhappy. My lifestyle is for them. I remember I used to get like straight A's...and I would be so happy for my parents and not even myself. I loved making my parents happy. And I think I sort of became of addicted to it. It's like an obsession. And not only has it been about making my parents happy, it's been about making everyone happy. Why do I feel like the world is on my shoulders. I get so upset at myself all the time. Most of it stems from my mom always finding the smallest stuff to criticize. Like whenever I am late coming from volunteering, she'll always be like "well it's just that I had stuff to do, that now my afternoon is ruined." I'm so sorry, Mom, that I ruined your day just so I could stay longer and help someone who is possibly never going to see another Christmas. SO FUCKING SORRY. And whenever I get my report card back..."oh you know, Rae...math is your best subject and it seems to be the lowest grade. If you were top ten, you'd get much more money for college." Oh no shit, really? And when I wanted to do food fast for Joe's church, I remember my dad saying, "why don't you just do a bottle drive instead of fasting and camping out?" Because millions of people every day fast whether they chose to or not...and whether we like it or not...not everyone has a nice house and 8 million fricken cars...or any shelter at all for that matter and so why not just see what it's like for a whopping 24 hours. And it's not just them that I have to please. It's basically everyone. A couple weeks ago I was doing Reiki at the hospital, and I was planning to be back just in time for work. That hardly happened. Joe and I just kept doing Reiki which was so amazing, and then I realized I was a hour and a half late for work. After much contemplation about calling my boss to let her know I would be there ASAP, I finally did, but I was so embarassed and nervous and mad at myself for letting me be late that I barely kept my composure. I remember I said sorry about 5 or 6 times. I was so upset and disapointed and it was almost as if I could feel that anger from my boss. But the thing was, my boss wasn't even mad or angry or disappointed. In fact, she was like...do you want next week off to do Reiki? Obviously I said no, because that would be too much trouble for her to find someone to cover since I work everyyyyy day...
yeah I forget where I'm going with this...
yeah I forget where I'm going with this...