Echoes of silence.
Our fate is decided. A brotherhood united, soon to be divided.
This is long, a letter from the heart, to no one but me, but bear with me if you choose to read it.
For the past 4 years, I've bled azure blue and old gold. Proud to be an ATO. I came to college, knowing no one. A few people I had known in high school, but no one I was extremely close with. They all went to FSU. So for the first 3 weeks of college, I sat in my dorm with my roommate and we played Mario Kart or Halo. I figured there had to be more to college than this. So I went Greek and pledged ATO.
Those 10 weeks were the best I'd experienced in a long time. I had 8 pledge brothers in the end, and we were all closer than anyone and everyone. We knew things about each other than no one else knew, other than my best friend Ryan. We were united, never divided, always riding out to the same place as a collective. We were everything a Tau should've been, we were the promise, the future, the second coming. The ones who would wipe away the dust and restore the shine to the chapter.
Through those 10 weeks, I made countless compromises and decisions, some I wish I could change, but none that I regret. I developed a love for ATO. A love that could've been considered borderline obsession. I'd never felt that way about something before. To love a thought, an idea, a principle, more than a girl. That was an experience in and of itself. And it was a choice. Because during the beginning of my pledgeship, I was finally making progress with a girl I had spent the better part of my senior year pining after. I finally had what I wanted, and at the same time had something else. Eventually, the ties started to severe and a choice had to be made. Which was more important? Her or the fraternity? I chose the latter, and thus, all that we were came to an end.
Do I regret it? Yes and no. I miss her, with every breath and beat of my heart, and I know now, it can and will never be. I think about what could have been. Where it could've gone. But at the same time, I look at the other side. What I would be had I not picked ATO. And I smile, because in the end, I know I made the right choice.
I changed, some will say for the worse, but most will say for the better. I learned lessons I wouldn't trade for the world. Lessons about loyalty, about honest, integrity, brotherhood, hard work, dedication, devotion. And all these things have shaped who I am today, and this person who writes this, likes himself a whole lot better than the person who wrote in this journal almost 5 years ago.
So my pledgeship ended, and I became a brother. No longer a Tau, now an ATO. And I dedicated myself 100%. I was Keeper of the Treasury (assistant to the guy in charge of all the money, the Treasurer), and I made a difference. Money was being collected in a way it had never been before. We were having less financial difficulties.
Then I became Membership Educator (pledge master), and influenced 12 young men, instilling in them the thoughts, ideas and principles I had come to love. I'd like to think I made a difference. That I made them care. And for the most part, I did. I won our chapter countless awards for my new member program. But none of that mattered. I wasn't in this for the recognition, for another line on a resume. None of that mattered to me. Not then, not now. I wanted to make sure, that when I was gone, the chapter would be in good hands. That I would have a house and chapter to come back to when I was an alumni. And at the time, I thought I had done that.
All this hard work paved the way to my next position. Vice-President. Those first two months, I dedicated countless hours to fixing things, refining procedures and actions, providing organization in areas where it lacked. Then came the crippling blow. I hadn't dropped a class I thought I had. So I hadn't been at class at all the semester and failed 3 tests I never attempted to take. And that one F dropped my GPA from a 2.3 to a 1.9 (I didn't have a whole lot of credit hours at the time as I was just barely a sophmore, so it made that much of a difference). I had officially failed out of school. I had to step down from VIce-President. I had to move out of the fraternity house. It was the worst experience of my life. I lost what I had loved. Over dedicated myself. I never partied hard, I just put ATO before all things.
So for 2 years I was stuck at VCC, and I hated it. I walked around, bearing letters on my chest everyday to remind myself of all I had lost and all I needed to get back. And after two years of hard work, I finally returned. I returned a broken man. Lost, unsure, confused, timid. The same person I was before I pledged. Would I be welcome back with open arms or turned away like an outcast? Would I still garner the same respect I once had or would I become the butt of all jokes. Would my thoughts, my voice, my opinions even be relevant anymore? A nervousness consumed me that I hadn't felt since high school. That feeling in the pit of your stomach right before you ask a girl out or to prom, that possibility of rejection looming on the horizon.
But I found my balls up at my throat, and pulled them back down. What was I afraid of? These were my brothers, not by birth, but by choice. And I came back, the decision unanimous. And I found out my voice was still relevant, that I was still highly respected. The chapter changed, that was for sure. Some say for the better, others say for the worse. I'll go with both. We are more united that we've ever been, but at the same time dark days loom on the horizon.
Which brings me to now. The last entry I wrote. We had an event, Big Brother. Things happened. Things I can't talk about. Some consider what went down hazing, while others don't. The point is, we got caught. And now, things are happening that are out of our control. Rich Gailey, a man who represents our BOT (Board of Trustees) seems to have a vendetta against us. He gave us an ultimatum. Change the way do the event, or face the consequences. We offered a change, but it wasn't enough. He wanted more. In the form of punitive damages. A punishment to fit the crime. But how were we going to sell one of our own out? The one who planned the night. We weren't. Simple as that. United we stand, divided we fall. And so they made the call. My brother Taco, was removed from his position as Membership Educator. A punishment worthy of the crime. He was held liable and made a bad call. Fair enough. But the BOT didn't stop there. They removed him from the chapter, putting him in Inactive Undergraduate Alumni status. What does all that mean? It means he has to move out of the fraternity house by December. He can't come to the house until he is done with college, which is a year from now. He can't have any interaction with ATO, with the brothers, or with the pledges. All this, delivered down by a group of men and women, so old and out of touch with the chapter that they don't know what is and isn't.
Last night, I saw a man cry. My brother, Taco. Crying. Because he had what he loved essentially raped and taken away from him. Because we can't do anything about it. And we felt his pain. A lot of us cried, myself included. It's like a family member being taken away. And this is only the beginning. Phase 1. Next will come a membership review, and they'll break us down mentally, and weed us out one by one, until we are divided down the middle. And there is nothing we can do. Not a thing. Because this BOT, whom half aren't even ATO's, have no idea how much something like this means to us. Not a clue. It's like a game to them, while it's life to us, for we bleed blue and gold until the end. And there's nothing we can do...
Except...
Forsake everything we have come to know and love. We turn in our pins. All 92 of us now. Mailed away with a signed petition. What will they do then? How will the "high and mighty" fall, knowing they failed what they were instilled into to protect. They asked for a change, we presented, they didn't like it. So here's another change for you smug fuckers. I hope you find pleasance in destroying one man's dreams, just as I hope you find sorrow and regret when you find out you've failed. As you sit there, in your comfy leather chair, behind your desk as the CEO of whatever company you work for, decorated with a name plate with your name and title on it, knowing that you've managed to fail at something. That you and your board of other individuals have raped and stolen the dreams and ideals of 93 young men. And that it keeps you awake at night, knowing what you did. And that when you pull that gun out of the case, and put the barrel in your mouth, that right before you pull the trigger, a tear rolls down your pathetic cheek and you say "I'm sorry",
Fuck them, and fuck this. I joined a fraternity for the brotherhood, for the principles, for the fun, to experience not only the Greek life, but college life to it's fullest. Not to be caught up in some fucking pissing match. To watch grown men and women steal away things and make men cry. Fuck them. I've never been one for revenge or retribution, but I honestly hope the worst fucking things happen to these heartless people. It's one thing to remove someone from their position, that's acceptable in the scope of things, but to remove them from our chapter is bullshit. Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them.
I would gladly give up everything for any of my brothers, and it looks like that might be the decision we're going to have to make...
This is long, a letter from the heart, to no one but me, but bear with me if you choose to read it.
For the past 4 years, I've bled azure blue and old gold. Proud to be an ATO. I came to college, knowing no one. A few people I had known in high school, but no one I was extremely close with. They all went to FSU. So for the first 3 weeks of college, I sat in my dorm with my roommate and we played Mario Kart or Halo. I figured there had to be more to college than this. So I went Greek and pledged ATO.
Those 10 weeks were the best I'd experienced in a long time. I had 8 pledge brothers in the end, and we were all closer than anyone and everyone. We knew things about each other than no one else knew, other than my best friend Ryan. We were united, never divided, always riding out to the same place as a collective. We were everything a Tau should've been, we were the promise, the future, the second coming. The ones who would wipe away the dust and restore the shine to the chapter.
Through those 10 weeks, I made countless compromises and decisions, some I wish I could change, but none that I regret. I developed a love for ATO. A love that could've been considered borderline obsession. I'd never felt that way about something before. To love a thought, an idea, a principle, more than a girl. That was an experience in and of itself. And it was a choice. Because during the beginning of my pledgeship, I was finally making progress with a girl I had spent the better part of my senior year pining after. I finally had what I wanted, and at the same time had something else. Eventually, the ties started to severe and a choice had to be made. Which was more important? Her or the fraternity? I chose the latter, and thus, all that we were came to an end.
Do I regret it? Yes and no. I miss her, with every breath and beat of my heart, and I know now, it can and will never be. I think about what could have been. Where it could've gone. But at the same time, I look at the other side. What I would be had I not picked ATO. And I smile, because in the end, I know I made the right choice.
I changed, some will say for the worse, but most will say for the better. I learned lessons I wouldn't trade for the world. Lessons about loyalty, about honest, integrity, brotherhood, hard work, dedication, devotion. And all these things have shaped who I am today, and this person who writes this, likes himself a whole lot better than the person who wrote in this journal almost 5 years ago.
So my pledgeship ended, and I became a brother. No longer a Tau, now an ATO. And I dedicated myself 100%. I was Keeper of the Treasury (assistant to the guy in charge of all the money, the Treasurer), and I made a difference. Money was being collected in a way it had never been before. We were having less financial difficulties.
Then I became Membership Educator (pledge master), and influenced 12 young men, instilling in them the thoughts, ideas and principles I had come to love. I'd like to think I made a difference. That I made them care. And for the most part, I did. I won our chapter countless awards for my new member program. But none of that mattered. I wasn't in this for the recognition, for another line on a resume. None of that mattered to me. Not then, not now. I wanted to make sure, that when I was gone, the chapter would be in good hands. That I would have a house and chapter to come back to when I was an alumni. And at the time, I thought I had done that.
All this hard work paved the way to my next position. Vice-President. Those first two months, I dedicated countless hours to fixing things, refining procedures and actions, providing organization in areas where it lacked. Then came the crippling blow. I hadn't dropped a class I thought I had. So I hadn't been at class at all the semester and failed 3 tests I never attempted to take. And that one F dropped my GPA from a 2.3 to a 1.9 (I didn't have a whole lot of credit hours at the time as I was just barely a sophmore, so it made that much of a difference). I had officially failed out of school. I had to step down from VIce-President. I had to move out of the fraternity house. It was the worst experience of my life. I lost what I had loved. Over dedicated myself. I never partied hard, I just put ATO before all things.
So for 2 years I was stuck at VCC, and I hated it. I walked around, bearing letters on my chest everyday to remind myself of all I had lost and all I needed to get back. And after two years of hard work, I finally returned. I returned a broken man. Lost, unsure, confused, timid. The same person I was before I pledged. Would I be welcome back with open arms or turned away like an outcast? Would I still garner the same respect I once had or would I become the butt of all jokes. Would my thoughts, my voice, my opinions even be relevant anymore? A nervousness consumed me that I hadn't felt since high school. That feeling in the pit of your stomach right before you ask a girl out or to prom, that possibility of rejection looming on the horizon.
But I found my balls up at my throat, and pulled them back down. What was I afraid of? These were my brothers, not by birth, but by choice. And I came back, the decision unanimous. And I found out my voice was still relevant, that I was still highly respected. The chapter changed, that was for sure. Some say for the better, others say for the worse. I'll go with both. We are more united that we've ever been, but at the same time dark days loom on the horizon.
Which brings me to now. The last entry I wrote. We had an event, Big Brother. Things happened. Things I can't talk about. Some consider what went down hazing, while others don't. The point is, we got caught. And now, things are happening that are out of our control. Rich Gailey, a man who represents our BOT (Board of Trustees) seems to have a vendetta against us. He gave us an ultimatum. Change the way do the event, or face the consequences. We offered a change, but it wasn't enough. He wanted more. In the form of punitive damages. A punishment to fit the crime. But how were we going to sell one of our own out? The one who planned the night. We weren't. Simple as that. United we stand, divided we fall. And so they made the call. My brother Taco, was removed from his position as Membership Educator. A punishment worthy of the crime. He was held liable and made a bad call. Fair enough. But the BOT didn't stop there. They removed him from the chapter, putting him in Inactive Undergraduate Alumni status. What does all that mean? It means he has to move out of the fraternity house by December. He can't come to the house until he is done with college, which is a year from now. He can't have any interaction with ATO, with the brothers, or with the pledges. All this, delivered down by a group of men and women, so old and out of touch with the chapter that they don't know what is and isn't.
Last night, I saw a man cry. My brother, Taco. Crying. Because he had what he loved essentially raped and taken away from him. Because we can't do anything about it. And we felt his pain. A lot of us cried, myself included. It's like a family member being taken away. And this is only the beginning. Phase 1. Next will come a membership review, and they'll break us down mentally, and weed us out one by one, until we are divided down the middle. And there is nothing we can do. Not a thing. Because this BOT, whom half aren't even ATO's, have no idea how much something like this means to us. Not a clue. It's like a game to them, while it's life to us, for we bleed blue and gold until the end. And there's nothing we can do...
Except...
Forsake everything we have come to know and love. We turn in our pins. All 92 of us now. Mailed away with a signed petition. What will they do then? How will the "high and mighty" fall, knowing they failed what they were instilled into to protect. They asked for a change, we presented, they didn't like it. So here's another change for you smug fuckers. I hope you find pleasance in destroying one man's dreams, just as I hope you find sorrow and regret when you find out you've failed. As you sit there, in your comfy leather chair, behind your desk as the CEO of whatever company you work for, decorated with a name plate with your name and title on it, knowing that you've managed to fail at something. That you and your board of other individuals have raped and stolen the dreams and ideals of 93 young men. And that it keeps you awake at night, knowing what you did. And that when you pull that gun out of the case, and put the barrel in your mouth, that right before you pull the trigger, a tear rolls down your pathetic cheek and you say "I'm sorry",
Fuck them, and fuck this. I joined a fraternity for the brotherhood, for the principles, for the fun, to experience not only the Greek life, but college life to it's fullest. Not to be caught up in some fucking pissing match. To watch grown men and women steal away things and make men cry. Fuck them. I've never been one for revenge or retribution, but I honestly hope the worst fucking things happen to these heartless people. It's one thing to remove someone from their position, that's acceptable in the scope of things, but to remove them from our chapter is bullshit. Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them.
I would gladly give up everything for any of my brothers, and it looks like that might be the decision we're going to have to make...