Lifeboats

[soidistant]

Lifeboats, 4124 words, written for fiddlings for the Quotes challenge at inrevelations. Original fiction.

Warning: Unedited/unbetaed mostly because of time constraints, but also because I don't actually have a beta :( My apologies in advance for any glaring errors!

(fiddlings, I hope you enjoy your story! I tried to work with the prompt, and was originally going to attempt

Comments

[animus_mentis]

they will finish reading your story before they even get to the ending because who needs an ending when you're already read the very best part - the part between a girl's thighs, where it's dark and wet and always open for interpretation
This made my stomach turn. It made me angry to think about how there really are guys out there like this. And it reminds me why I waited so long to do anything with anyone.

You were you for far too long before you decided you should become somebody else; the combination of your own genes and upbringing have made it impossible for you to change.
This rings a bell for me...my life...some days I wish I was more extroverted, didn't need at least 8 hours of sleep...had energy to do things. It upsets me because I'm not what he could see himself with for longer than 7 months. Even though I blame him for it.

You fell in love and got your heart smashed, and you, if anything, are far worse off than you were before.
Exactly.

I should be focusing on your story as a whole and critiquing, but the fact of the matter is that it's difficult to do when you can relate to several points in this story. Especially so when 6 weeks later it's still fresh. Because I'm still in denial and don't want it to be over.

[lusimeles]

This made my stomach turn. It made me angry to think about how there really are guys out there like this. And it reminds me why I waited so long to do anything with anyone.

I agree. This was probably one of the passages that was most personal to me, since I was writing from my own experience (with the expectation of course, that it was a fairly universal one). Sometimes the male sex just horribly disappoints me :(

And... *hugs you tightly* - dude, Celeste, I wish I could say something to make you feel better! I can only imagine how tough this would be for you, since I've never been with anybody longer than four months myself - seven months would definitely be sufficient for there to be a lasting emotional impact. Maybe some things just aren't meant to be, and you have to date somebody like Adam before you find just the right guy for you? I think you're just fine the way you are, even though you're not a complete extrovert or something. If he can't see that, then like you said - his loss.

[animus_mentis]

I don't think anyone can say anything to make me feel better. And I feel like such a blubbering idiot for not being able to move on and get over it. On the outside I come off as someone who can handle herself. But when someone or something becomes really important to me, that loss hits me hard.

I know it's not a good comparison, but I'm still not 100% over having had to go to a university that I didn't want to go to. To reiterate, it felt like a betrayal of my parents when I found out the impression I'd been working under for 4 years' worth of hard IB high school academics had been pulled out from under me. And if I'm still bitter about that sometimes when I'm grumpy, how long is this going to last? I know I can't rush into another relationship. I'm not ready emotionally and it wouldn't be fair to the guy, not to mention right now I'd feel guilty for looking to someone else for an ego boost even though I shouldn't feel guilty.

I don't think I've gone a day yet without at least tearing up. I'm just so unhappy right now.

[soidistant]

At least you can admit it! I think that actually takes MORE strength, tbh. So often people bottle these things up because they're afraid of being perceived as weak, but if you are really strong, you'll know that expressing the fact that you're actually hurt by this doesn't reflect on your personal strength. ER. THAT'S BADLY EXPLAINED, BUT... basically, yeah, you feel like you can afford to be more open about this stuff? I'd take it as a good sign.

I'm really sorry to hear you're unhappy :( That's always a terrible thing to go through - my first ever real break-up hit me extremely hard too, and part of me has never gotten over it either. It DOES get better with time, and I'm sure you're smart/strong enough to figure it out along the way no matter how painful. Not rushing into another relationship definitely sounds like a good idea.

I also know it's really not my place to say, but... I hope you aren't angry with me for asking - are you sure that having this fwb relationship with Lucian is going to make you happy in the long-run? I'm sure you've definitely considered it, but... sometimes, it really doesn't sound like he deserves you, bb :(

[animus_mentis]

No, I understand what you're saying. In conversations with him I've said that I don't want to be that weak stereotypical female, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still affected by it. I'm just afraid that if I keep talking it out to people that I'll push them away when in reality that's not what I'm trying to do at all. I just hope that in the one and only time thus far that I've really needed support that I don't lose it.

Don't worry, I have thought of that, it has crossed my mind, I have considered it. I wrote an entry about it...idk if you saw it. Don't think that I haven't thought that he doesn't deserve to experience me like that anymore. Atm I want fwb to work, so I push that thought to the side. Of course, a part of me holds this power over him too by doing fwb, as awful as it is of me to admit that. It's not so much the fwb that gets me; it's knowing that I probably won't ever get the whole package anymore.

[lusimeles]

Hopefully your friends are being supportive of you! I definitely think it helps when there are people who will listen and put up with you, even if you start sounding like a broken record after a while (which is absolutely someplace I have been in the past). If people ditch you now, then they were never really your friends to begin with, imo.

I think I remember an entry quite a while ago talking about it, though I don't know if there was anything recently since I wasn't really on LJ for roughly two weeks. Anyways, like I said at the beginning - no judgment from me whatsoever about that. I'm just worried that it sounds like perhaps this fwb thing is making you feel worse rather than better? :( Either way, I genuinely hope you're okay - sometimes fwb can be far more emotionally complicated than what appears on the surface, and it's so easy to wind up really hurt at the end. But then again, I know you're a tough cookie, so I'm sure you're making these decisions with a lot more foresight than I ever did.

[animus_mentis]

I really only talk to one person about this stuff, but she's also going through something similar (albeit she's way better off than I am right now), so our support system is probably a little bit flawed. :P I needed someone to talk to on Tuesday, so I called one of my bffs from high school. She didn't pick up, so I sent her a text to see if she was in class. No response at all. None. Not until I realized I missed her call at 4:30pm yesterday. So I'm annoyed with her and kind of tired of her putting herself first all the time. I never called her back.

Oh, the entry about fwb that I'm referring to is one I wrote less than a week ago. So it's recent. You're probably right. I just don't want to admit it. I don't want to let go is my problem, I don't want accept it. I don't want to accept it because I want Us to have another chance, to make him see that his inaction (due to laziness because that's how he is...even his Mom said so) led to all of this shit.

[soidistant]

I think it helps having somebody who understands what you're going through, even if you both don't exactly have perfect vision on this. And I'm sorry your high school friend did not get back to you right away! :( If it helps, I'm often that way as well - sometimes it takes me quite a while to get back to my friends because certain days are busier than others, so maybe she's not so much trying to blow you off as she's just busy? She called you back, so I'm sure she does care.

The good thing is that you admit that there's a problem there, which... to borrow the cliche, is the first step. If you don't feel ready to cross it, then you definitely shouldn't push yourself into something you're uncomfortable with. The strange thing about love is that so many people think it's "purest" when it's ~*~forever~*~, but... in my experience, even the strongest of emotions always change, and then you're left wondering why people are never content staying in one place. IDK.