stop the bleeding
i woke up this morning asking, “why the fuck am i still breathing?” i took a look in the mirror and noticed how swollen my eyes are from crying last night. mom…dad, time and time again we’ve gone over this. why does it seem like i'm losing my grip on things-school, life, everything? i tried so hard last night to explain while you sat there watching my eyes well up. i tried to tell you that i feel like all emotional support from you is gone, but you didn’t even care to listen.
then you go off to tell me that i'm so careless for not seeing all the “support” you’ve given. the computer, food, shelter, the clothes on my back. that’s not what i’m talking about. you’re so damn biased and you know it.
maybe i am a failure as a daughter. i can’t be as perfect as katz is. but how on earth could you have the audacity to make false accusations about me? you want me to tell you that i’m a crack whore? an alcoholic? that i'm pregnant? that my ambitions in life are to become a stripper? i'm sorry to disappoint you again, when i told you i wasn’t any of those things.
i'm surprised that up until now you still haven’t figured out what my problem is. i tried to tell you last night. i really did. i wanted to say that all i need is for you to tell me i can do anything i put my mind to…anything if i work for it. i can’t believe in anyone that can’t believe in me. if you can do that for katz, then why not me? instead you continue to make me feel more like a burden to you by telling me about how you don’t need me…how you can still survive if i'm gone. if that’s what you want let me know…i'll be gone as soon as i take that last breath.
dale, my old therapist thought this might be therapeutic. i thought about the next couple things, but i'm not coming up w/anything else really…
things i'll miss when i'm gone reasons for being here (/why suicide isn’t the answer):
1. katz, trina, grandma- the only people who always always put up w/my shit.
2. jon & brian- brothers i never had.
3. bryan…enough said.
4. not to break the 11 year friendship i've had w/my bf danielle
5. [your name here]
6. my everlasting need to be hugged
7. ?
8. ?
9. ?
10. ?
….
others?
those are the first couple of things that came to mind. please don’t be upset if i failed to mention something. add on if you’d like…i just thought this list would be more constructive than cutting myself again.
then you go off to tell me that i'm so careless for not seeing all the “support” you’ve given. the computer, food, shelter, the clothes on my back. that’s not what i’m talking about. you’re so damn biased and you know it.
maybe i am a failure as a daughter. i can’t be as perfect as katz is. but how on earth could you have the audacity to make false accusations about me? you want me to tell you that i’m a crack whore? an alcoholic? that i'm pregnant? that my ambitions in life are to become a stripper? i'm sorry to disappoint you again, when i told you i wasn’t any of those things.
i'm surprised that up until now you still haven’t figured out what my problem is. i tried to tell you last night. i really did. i wanted to say that all i need is for you to tell me i can do anything i put my mind to…anything if i work for it. i can’t believe in anyone that can’t believe in me. if you can do that for katz, then why not me? instead you continue to make me feel more like a burden to you by telling me about how you don’t need me…how you can still survive if i'm gone. if that’s what you want let me know…i'll be gone as soon as i take that last breath.
dale, my old therapist thought this might be therapeutic. i thought about the next couple things, but i'm not coming up w/anything else really…
things i'll miss when i'm gone reasons for being here (/why suicide isn’t the answer):
1. katz, trina, grandma- the only people who always always put up w/my shit.
2. jon & brian- brothers i never had.
3. bryan…enough said.
4. not to break the 11 year friendship i've had w/my bf danielle
5. [your name here]
6. my everlasting need to be hugged
7. ?
8. ?
9. ?
10. ?
….
others?
those are the first couple of things that came to mind. please don’t be upset if i failed to mention something. add on if you’d like…i just thought this list would be more constructive than cutting myself again.