Twilight Rant
My sister had the entire hardback Twilight collection, and I read the whole thing while in Germany, except for Midnight Sun, the two or three hundred pages of which I read on SMeyer's website when I came back. I've gotta say, I don't get it, and I also want to hit it with something sharp, like a pickax.
I spent quite some time ignoring the series, like I ignored Harry Potter for about two years or so. It's a cult thing, and I hated it because people would say it was THE NEXT HARRY POTTER, and I resented that. Nothing can replace Harry Potter. Except maybe a few stories by Maya that involve better characterization. And for the past few days, I've been idly hunting down reviews that trash the series. And I think I have pinned down what really bugs the hell out of me.
I cannot believe that SMeyer got through four absolutely massive volumes of a romantic novel series without including any actual conflict. Any of it. Every single time any bit of wangst emerged, I wanted to play Whack-A-Mole. You cannot buy any of it. You cannot buy any real danger to the twu luv between Edward and Bella when she never, ever has a real moment of anger or, hell, even actual frustration with the boy. It is fixed. They are frozen in time as THE PERFECT LOVERS and nothing will ever separate them. Not even themselves. And that is boring.
It's not just that, really, although that might have been enough. You KNOW that Edward did not leave her because he didn't like her in New Moon. You KNOW that she will never end up with Jacob. You KNOW that neither will die. You KNOW that they will live happily ever after, and you absolutely, definitely know that they will both be sparkly and perfect at the end. It's like wedging your behind into a Barbie car and scooting yourself across the floor with your hands, when what you have been promised is a rollercoaster, preferably one that flips you upside down and makes you scream. But you also know, in this series, that the vampires will be able to defeat anything, because they have money, speed, charisma, strength, beauty, perfection, immortality, they're the focus of envy, they have super speshul powers, they are brilliantly smart, they have perfect memories, and, oh hell, they're the most perfect vampires ever ever ever because they are "vegetarians". Bullshit.
On a side note, SMeyer has clearly never, ever been vegetarian. No vegetarian would claim that a life without meat never fully satisfies them. The only reason that book is still whole is because it was not mine and was part of an expensive boxed hardcover set. That just pissed me off.
So, really, the only thing standing between the Cullens and perfection is...oops. Nothing. "Yes, Editor!" you can hear SMeyer gasp between the lines. "Just let me look up conflict...right! I'll get right on that!" So enter wangst. Edward irrationally thinks he is a terrible monster. It is the only thing ever wrong with him. it is not based on anything as silly as, oh, reality, because he has super speshul self-control. And it is debunked by EVERY OTHER CHARACTER who clearly all believe that he is perfect. Nice...conflict there, SMeyer. Except not.
And oh. The writing. The first few pages of Twilight were really awful, because it read like SMeyer had suddenly discovered the concept of a thesaurus, and went batshit crazy. It got readable after a few pages, though. Except, and this is a huge except, for the everything. I am telling you, if Martin McDonaugh, who wrote The Pillowman, understood that you have to include lots of funny bits to keep people from walking out of your morbidly crazy, terrifying play, then SMeyer should get it. My God, McDonaugh wrote about children swallowing razorblades stuck inside little carved men made out of apple slices. And about a little girl who got crucified by her parents because she kept being like Jesus, and then was buried alive. The story ends with her scrabbling at her coffin. Yet it is a hysterically funny while disturbing play, and everyone is hooked. There is nothing funny in the Twilight series. Nothing. Nothing.
There is banter. Lots of it, actually, especially in Eclipse when she has written down every single unimportant thought going through each werewolf's head. And then there is LOVE. And DRAMA, which is generally the same thing in this series. You do not have downtime; you go from OMG LOVE+DANGER=HAWT to blah blah stupid boring banter blah DANGEROUS LOVE YAY. You are either bored or irritated, because either nothing is happening or you know nothing will happen to the characters. Seriously. There are no sacrifices, no real lessons learned, no real emotional changes in anyone. The only one who died was Tanya and she deserved it because she tattled, and lots of bad people but they don't count because they're bad.
Plus. Edward is perfect because he is beautiful? Midnight Sun was kinda cute when SMeyer tried to make Edward someone deep who was all twisted and who cared about this girl's mind, but shallowness took over because all he can focus on is her liquid brown eyes or the way her blue blouse makes her perfect porcelain skin look. Occasionally, there is angst because he cannot read her mind. But this is not a huge deal, because he can read the future through Alice and he can read everyone else's mind. With apparently no real radius. So he can eavesdrop on her whenever. As well as watch her when she sleeps. And dismantle her truck so she can't see her friend. HE CAN DO EVERYTHING.
Ergo, he is boring.
Ergo, this entire story, which is not based on a plot or characters so much as on the idea of eternal, unbreakable love, is boring.
It almost makes me want to go write a series of shitty romance novels because clearly that is what the public wants, because the public has half the brain of a really large mob. Which, I believe, is the IQ of its stupidest member divided by the number of members of the mob. This is a fairly good model, and holds true for many mobs, especially those held by the Tea Partiers.
Oh, Twilight. I cannot stop googling bad reviews, because I am addicted to them. Way, way more so than the actual books.
I spent quite some time ignoring the series, like I ignored Harry Potter for about two years or so. It's a cult thing, and I hated it because people would say it was THE NEXT HARRY POTTER, and I resented that. Nothing can replace Harry Potter. Except maybe a few stories by Maya that involve better characterization. And for the past few days, I've been idly hunting down reviews that trash the series. And I think I have pinned down what really bugs the hell out of me.
I cannot believe that SMeyer got through four absolutely massive volumes of a romantic novel series without including any actual conflict. Any of it. Every single time any bit of wangst emerged, I wanted to play Whack-A-Mole. You cannot buy any of it. You cannot buy any real danger to the twu luv between Edward and Bella when she never, ever has a real moment of anger or, hell, even actual frustration with the boy. It is fixed. They are frozen in time as THE PERFECT LOVERS and nothing will ever separate them. Not even themselves. And that is boring.
It's not just that, really, although that might have been enough. You KNOW that Edward did not leave her because he didn't like her in New Moon. You KNOW that she will never end up with Jacob. You KNOW that neither will die. You KNOW that they will live happily ever after, and you absolutely, definitely know that they will both be sparkly and perfect at the end. It's like wedging your behind into a Barbie car and scooting yourself across the floor with your hands, when what you have been promised is a rollercoaster, preferably one that flips you upside down and makes you scream. But you also know, in this series, that the vampires will be able to defeat anything, because they have money, speed, charisma, strength, beauty, perfection, immortality, they're the focus of envy, they have super speshul powers, they are brilliantly smart, they have perfect memories, and, oh hell, they're the most perfect vampires ever ever ever because they are "vegetarians". Bullshit.
On a side note, SMeyer has clearly never, ever been vegetarian. No vegetarian would claim that a life without meat never fully satisfies them. The only reason that book is still whole is because it was not mine and was part of an expensive boxed hardcover set. That just pissed me off.
So, really, the only thing standing between the Cullens and perfection is...oops. Nothing. "Yes, Editor!" you can hear SMeyer gasp between the lines. "Just let me look up conflict...right! I'll get right on that!" So enter wangst. Edward irrationally thinks he is a terrible monster. It is the only thing ever wrong with him. it is not based on anything as silly as, oh, reality, because he has super speshul self-control. And it is debunked by EVERY OTHER CHARACTER who clearly all believe that he is perfect. Nice...conflict there, SMeyer. Except not.
And oh. The writing. The first few pages of Twilight were really awful, because it read like SMeyer had suddenly discovered the concept of a thesaurus, and went batshit crazy. It got readable after a few pages, though. Except, and this is a huge except, for the everything. I am telling you, if Martin McDonaugh, who wrote The Pillowman, understood that you have to include lots of funny bits to keep people from walking out of your morbidly crazy, terrifying play, then SMeyer should get it. My God, McDonaugh wrote about children swallowing razorblades stuck inside little carved men made out of apple slices. And about a little girl who got crucified by her parents because she kept being like Jesus, and then was buried alive. The story ends with her scrabbling at her coffin. Yet it is a hysterically funny while disturbing play, and everyone is hooked. There is nothing funny in the Twilight series. Nothing. Nothing.
There is banter. Lots of it, actually, especially in Eclipse when she has written down every single unimportant thought going through each werewolf's head. And then there is LOVE. And DRAMA, which is generally the same thing in this series. You do not have downtime; you go from OMG LOVE+DANGER=HAWT to blah blah stupid boring banter blah DANGEROUS LOVE YAY. You are either bored or irritated, because either nothing is happening or you know nothing will happen to the characters. Seriously. There are no sacrifices, no real lessons learned, no real emotional changes in anyone. The only one who died was Tanya and she deserved it because she tattled, and lots of bad people but they don't count because they're bad.
Plus. Edward is perfect because he is beautiful? Midnight Sun was kinda cute when SMeyer tried to make Edward someone deep who was all twisted and who cared about this girl's mind, but shallowness took over because all he can focus on is her liquid brown eyes or the way her blue blouse makes her perfect porcelain skin look. Occasionally, there is angst because he cannot read her mind. But this is not a huge deal, because he can read the future through Alice and he can read everyone else's mind. With apparently no real radius. So he can eavesdrop on her whenever. As well as watch her when she sleeps. And dismantle her truck so she can't see her friend. HE CAN DO EVERYTHING.
Ergo, he is boring.
Ergo, this entire story, which is not based on a plot or characters so much as on the idea of eternal, unbreakable love, is boring.
It almost makes me want to go write a series of shitty romance novels because clearly that is what the public wants, because the public has half the brain of a really large mob. Which, I believe, is the IQ of its stupidest member divided by the number of members of the mob. This is a fairly good model, and holds true for many mobs, especially those held by the Tea Partiers.
Oh, Twilight. I cannot stop googling bad reviews, because I am addicted to them. Way, way more so than the actual books.