Let's Be Poetic-ish/Vague/Stream-of-Consiousness!
I like Chinese food, but fortune cookies are weird... For example, mine says: "A long time admirer thinks highly of you." I know what they MEAN to say, but they tried to condense it and failed. If they're an ADMIERER then DUH they THINK HIGHLY OF YOU! *facepalm* I'm not even sure how to word that properly.
Today felt like a B day... *hmmph* but OMFG! GOVERNOR'S SCHOOL! YAY! XDDDDDDD
...But now for the real post...
Like I said... poetic and so... aaaand....
Under a cut! *gasp* Click it... you know you want to...
Why do we insist on doing things that are painful to ourselves? Maybe the answer is that they're beautiful. Ever notice how much point hurts your toes? But it's SOOO pretty... Sometimes I wish I could just turn myself into liquid with purpose. Liquid is really pretty. I want to be Alex Mac. Yep.
I'm tired of deja vu. It upsets me. Logic bothers me. Mine, that is... it's so backwards. I should really get a shrink... haha, yeah, right.
Cold... cold... so cold... stream of consiousness... mirrors... musicals... and now we're back to the deja vu.
Studying is tiring...
My mind can't fit around life. Is it possible to be in denial about being in denial? I don't think so. I mean... every time I catch myself telling myself that I'm in denial I tell myself to stop thinking like that. THOUGHTS are powerful. Think about that. And all the while I'm screaming on the inside. Repeating my mantra at the top of my mind like a big block around everything else. "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU..." until I start to unravel. Turning around and around in a labryinth. Only it's built like Hogwarts, so it just keeps changing, so you can't even get back to the middle... and there are no exits.
Sometimes I wonder if it really helps... am I really protecting myself? Am I protecting anybody? Sometimes I wish that somebody would just bring the whole precarious structure tumbling down at my feet. But life isn't a book... so weird... force fields... I want a time-turner. No... that's a lie... I want my mind to stop tricking me... I want to not be afraid to let my guard down... Oh, and a ladel would be nice.
Funny how, at first, you can be afraid of something, but then you come to... yearn for it, almost... it's almost better than the other hand. The irony is that that applies to A vs. B days... XP
I'm always fascinated when I read over old stuff of mine. My first reaction is always "I was such a stupid, idiotic... etc..." and then I stop and realize that I've just made full circle. It's like a spiral that never really goes anywhere. Those optical illusions where the stairs are always going up, but somehow you end up on the same stairs anyway...
I want to be an astronaut... but not a space astronaut, a sea astronaut. I have an affinity for water. I used to believe that I was really a mermaid... I used to believe a lot of things... frankly believing is better that reality.
Life is blurry... I love colors...
...I'm afraid... I'm torn... because I'm terribly afraid of not knowing what's going to happen to me in the next couple of years... but I'm almost even more afraid of knowing...
I've decided that it's okay to be a psychiatrist even if you have problems. If you didn't have problems then you wouldn't be human... you wouldn't be able to relate to your patients. I think shrinks should be required to have their own shrinks. It'd be like a big convention... I know that wouldn't really work, though, because people wouldn't want to go to a shrink who had a shrink him/herself...
People expect too much from people. I guess we have to expect that, though... it's only human.
Sometimes I wish I could know everybody in the world... other times I wish everybody would just go away for a bit. Well, not that everybody would go away... I just wish I had a little anti-gravity room to go to for a while. A secret room that nobody else knew about, and I could just go there and float around and empty my mind... scream as loud as I wanted to and not worry about it... and nobody would know where to find me.
I need to find balance. Instead of teetering between the two. Sometimes so empty that I crumple, other times so full that I'm burning up, biting back, hiding... I feel split into two down the middle, somehow on both sides of the teeter-totter. Up and up and down...
Did anybody else ever listen to that song as a kid? ...I miss being that young...
It's strange... sometimes I'm so afraid of dissapointing other people... or that's what I tell myself... other times I think I'm just afraid of dissapointing myself. ...sometimes fear is a healthy thing... but when it paralyzes you... when it cuts off all your exits and leaves you afraid of making a move in case you dissapoint somebody... well isn't doing nothing going to dissapoint people more than failing? I'm not sure...
Scarves.
I guess that's about it... I needed to empty my mind. Back to studying... pah... *sufficient memory dump*
[Tha's Me...]
Today felt like a B day... *hmmph* but OMFG! GOVERNOR'S SCHOOL! YAY! XDDDDDDD
...But now for the real post...
Like I said... poetic and so... aaaand....
Under a cut! *gasp* Click it... you know you want to...
Why do we insist on doing things that are painful to ourselves? Maybe the answer is that they're beautiful. Ever notice how much point hurts your toes? But it's SOOO pretty... Sometimes I wish I could just turn myself into liquid with purpose. Liquid is really pretty. I want to be Alex Mac. Yep.
I'm tired of deja vu. It upsets me. Logic bothers me. Mine, that is... it's so backwards. I should really get a shrink... haha, yeah, right.
Cold... cold... so cold... stream of consiousness... mirrors... musicals... and now we're back to the deja vu.
Studying is tiring...
My mind can't fit around life. Is it possible to be in denial about being in denial? I don't think so. I mean... every time I catch myself telling myself that I'm in denial I tell myself to stop thinking like that. THOUGHTS are powerful. Think about that. And all the while I'm screaming on the inside. Repeating my mantra at the top of my mind like a big block around everything else. "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU..." until I start to unravel. Turning around and around in a labryinth. Only it's built like Hogwarts, so it just keeps changing, so you can't even get back to the middle... and there are no exits.
Sometimes I wonder if it really helps... am I really protecting myself? Am I protecting anybody? Sometimes I wish that somebody would just bring the whole precarious structure tumbling down at my feet. But life isn't a book... so weird... force fields... I want a time-turner. No... that's a lie... I want my mind to stop tricking me... I want to not be afraid to let my guard down... Oh, and a ladel would be nice.
Funny how, at first, you can be afraid of something, but then you come to... yearn for it, almost... it's almost better than the other hand. The irony is that that applies to A vs. B days... XP
I'm always fascinated when I read over old stuff of mine. My first reaction is always "I was such a stupid, idiotic... etc..." and then I stop and realize that I've just made full circle. It's like a spiral that never really goes anywhere. Those optical illusions where the stairs are always going up, but somehow you end up on the same stairs anyway...
I want to be an astronaut... but not a space astronaut, a sea astronaut. I have an affinity for water. I used to believe that I was really a mermaid... I used to believe a lot of things... frankly believing is better that reality.
Life is blurry... I love colors...
...I'm afraid... I'm torn... because I'm terribly afraid of not knowing what's going to happen to me in the next couple of years... but I'm almost even more afraid of knowing...
I've decided that it's okay to be a psychiatrist even if you have problems. If you didn't have problems then you wouldn't be human... you wouldn't be able to relate to your patients. I think shrinks should be required to have their own shrinks. It'd be like a big convention... I know that wouldn't really work, though, because people wouldn't want to go to a shrink who had a shrink him/herself...
People expect too much from people. I guess we have to expect that, though... it's only human.
Sometimes I wish I could know everybody in the world... other times I wish everybody would just go away for a bit. Well, not that everybody would go away... I just wish I had a little anti-gravity room to go to for a while. A secret room that nobody else knew about, and I could just go there and float around and empty my mind... scream as loud as I wanted to and not worry about it... and nobody would know where to find me.
I need to find balance. Instead of teetering between the two. Sometimes so empty that I crumple, other times so full that I'm burning up, biting back, hiding... I feel split into two down the middle, somehow on both sides of the teeter-totter. Up and up and down...
Did anybody else ever listen to that song as a kid? ...I miss being that young...
It's strange... sometimes I'm so afraid of dissapointing other people... or that's what I tell myself... other times I think I'm just afraid of dissapointing myself. ...sometimes fear is a healthy thing... but when it paralyzes you... when it cuts off all your exits and leaves you afraid of making a move in case you dissapoint somebody... well isn't doing nothing going to dissapoint people more than failing? I'm not sure...
Scarves.
I guess that's about it... I needed to empty my mind. Back to studying... pah... *sufficient memory dump*
[Tha's Me...]