I want to know about these strangers like me...
Okay so I want my life to start making some fucking sense NOW. Please, I can't take it much longer.
So tonight was my friends' Christmas Party. I was looking forward to it. You know, seeing people I hadn't seen in months, eating good food, Yankee swap, just chilling in a stress-free environment. Bad thing Number 1: Kyle. wtf?? I had NO idea he was coming. AT ALL. I didn't invite him, I purposfully didn't invite him. I know that sounds awful and cruel but I am still hurt by what he did to me and I still feel soooo awkward and stressed around him, and after this past semester of HELL I wanted ONE NIGHT of NO stress. Who invited him??? Honestly, I think I spent like 5 minutes total, not even, talking to him. Bad thing Number 2: AWKWARD. I actually felt awkward talking to half those people! WHAT THE FUCK??? WHY do I feel awkward with my supposed FRIENDS??? I mean I know our lives are changing but... ugh. Everyone told me after highschool we'd start moving apart, I just didn't know how SUCKY, quick, and... permanent... it would be. Bad thing Number 3: Kevin. I missed him SO MUCH these past few months. I feel like I have no friends down at school, and the ones I genuinely thought I had keep letting me down, so I was looking forward to getting back to the ones I thought I could count on. Then when Kevin came down the stairs tonight, he gave me like the most normal hug ever. I know that sounds like most stupid little thing to say but... I dunno. It just felt like he wasn't as unbelievably happy to see me like I was to see him.
Then to top THAT off, my friends Gina and Lisa disappoint me AGAIN. I should be used to it by now, I guess. Basically they said we should room together next fall in the Towers and I was all excited because I really don't like my living situation this year, and I knew I'd like living with them. THEN today they tell me, oh, sorry, no go. Yeah, our parents don't want us living with anyone but eachother and the towers are too expensive. Okay, I call BULLSHIT on the parents thing. REALLY??? WHY can't you live with anyone else??? The cost would go down, and I really have NOOOO problem with your family staying over a few nights every so often/. Really, I DON'T. Plus, you'd be on campus so less for gas and less stress than having to deal with the shuttle. And too EXPENSIVE??? Really, it's only like, $300 more than Hercules or Nike, AND it's at the better end of campus!!! And let's be real: you're NOT going to find anything "cheap" that's anywhere NEAR decent, anywhere NEAR campus. Fuckin A.
I am just so unBELIEVEABLY frusterated right now, and I just wish it would all stop. I swear to GOD, it is soooooo lucky I don't believe in suicide... because I just don't want to have to deal with any of this SHIT anymore. And I am so SICK of putting on this fake smile every day and pretending that I am happy... because I am nowhere NEAR it.