(no subject)
I literally keep forgetting getting accepted into law school is a big deal... I hardly even remember that I did it until someone says congratulations. It is such a small part of my ever-evolving story.
For the past two weeks, my grandma has been worsening. Her doctors said she's in the final stages. It's a slow and devastating way to go out. Alzheimers/dementia is the worst... Two weeks ago, she was still herself...her new self I'd been used to for the past five years at least. She was still reactive and as present as she could be. She's been nonverbal for at least two years, but I was used to that. She would at least still attempt to speak; her lips would move but nothing would come out. Her eyebrows would rise and fall; she had expressions. And most of all, she would eat. Now, she's stopped eating and she can't even hold her mouth shut. She's loss muscles in her face. She is quite literally a shell of herself. She's just barely breathing and sleeping. I cannot believe this has happened to her, all while I knew it would worsen one day. It just seems so sudden, even though she's had this horrible disease since 2011.
I definitely thought I'd have more peace about her transitioning since I've experienced so much anticipatory grief, especially in the last five years. But I'm truly wrecked. And so nothing really matters. Not law school...I did get a chance to tell her I was going two weeks ago and she reacted; it was important for her to know that about me since I was a screw up for a hot minute. But nothing else matters, especially not that man, although he and I had a heart to heart about her last week when I found out how bad things had gotten. And I do not care about any jobs - I've been hella absent on this government contract; I wouldn't be surprised if they ended it.
I know I'm blessed to have had my grandmother this long. She's almost 86, but seeing her this way...no one should have to go out this way. If she's in pain, I pray the Lord relieves her immediately. This is also selfish of me, because I'm ready to stop grieving... I can't even spend time with her playing her favorite songs. I feel that she's trapped in her body and can't enjoy the music or the company because I don't enjoy it either. This is miserable.