well...

[softsaddelicate]

i'm think i'm in dyer need to grow the fuck up...to put it as blunt as possible. i'm still trying to hold on to everything i had in high school. but its only cause in high school i wasn't as fuckin bored...haha...now everyones got a job, or they have a girlfriend or this or that, meanwhile, i still wanna go out every night and drink and hang out. i don't think i left my house at all today, sad, very sad. i had a long talk with my mother today about the band, and how i really don't want to go to school again next semester. interacting with people has to be the most confusing thing in the universe. As you grow up, i couldn't even begin to count how many times your told to follow your dreams, you can do whatever you set your mind to, blah blah blah. and thats exactly what i thought about when i heard statements like that...blah blah blah. but of course it stuck in my head. the reason i ever started playing guitar was because i wanted to play like Eric Clapton. i heard him goin nuts, i wanted to be able to do that. and as soon as i picked up my guitar, from the very first night i got one, which i still remember so vividly, i day dreamed and dreamed and dreamed about being on a stage, playing in front of a huge audience thats cheering for songs that i'm playing them. of course i was a solo artist...haha...but then i realized i couldn't really sing, SO, i was asked to join a band, not really thinking about playing in front of lots of people, just as something fun...i would have never ever thought that the band i was joining would have gotten as far as it did and i'm sure in a year from now, if it kept working and working i wouldn't have ever thought it would be at the level it was at in a year either. but this is what i've always wanted, so why on earth should i go to school right now and rush and finish and start my life where i'd have to work in an office or wherever i would work and work in the same place, in the same environment for years and years and years? why not try and do something that would be so overwhelmingly true and perfect if accomplished? i can't even sit in school and pay attention as much as i should, because all i can ever think about is being in a band now. when i worked (haha, still don't have a job) all i could think about is what i could spend my money on, what kind of instrument or accesory i needed or wanted, not what kinds of clothes i wanted to buy, or car, or anything, but what kind of musical equipment i was ready for. i seriously don't understand why taking time off from school is such a big problem. even if, worst case senario, i took 2 years off from school, realized the band wasn't working out and went back to school, so i wouldn't get a bachelor's degree until i was 25 or 26, big fuckin deal. i'm so young, why waste it, why waste my time in school and bored and tired and annoyed and stressed with bullshit work im given and things i have to hand in and studying.

so this is what i want to do, sure its a competitive business, but what the fuck isn't?! starting your own business isn't competitive?! your LUCKY if you break EVEN with your own business after the first 3 years! it basically all comes down to how much you work your ass off, and how bad you really really want something. being a musician is far from easy, theres so many things that i have yet to learn, by any means, about the entertainment business, but why the fuck not try and be successful? why be like every other fuckhead that went to cancun for spring break and majors in business when i have other talents that i could tap and try to work at? why are you now telling me that i should put a dream aside so i can grow up to be blue collarded and comform to doing the same thing every damn day until i retire? i don't want to, and i don't fuckin have to.