The Week in Review
The theme of Eating Disorder Awareness Week was "I didn't know that..." in order to confront the myths that surround Eating Disorders. Those myths not only hurt society as a whole, but those of us who battle them. I've found, personally, that conceptualizing my ED as an addiction rather than an event, helpful. And like a lot of addicts, I need to justify that I'm not really sick. That I'm not "that bad". Yet here's the thing, the goal post for "not that bad" keeps moving.
The ones that particularly radiated with me this year were "I didn't know my passion had become a problem". I love working out. I love being active, well I do now. This summer I'd be so run down I could barely leave the apartment but I'd still work out an hour a day while not giving myself the nutrients I need to maintain that level. I'd say the most awful shit to myself while I worked out. Seriously people, you'd think I was carrying Golem on my back...and really I kind of was.
The other one was "I had no idea my quest for health was making me sick". I've had to realize I have no idea what actual balanced eating looks like. I talked a lot about this in my entry, but I take suggestions as mandates. I can vividly remember ordering a bagel after game and worrying that everyone was judging me for eating the "nutritionally void" bagel. I now see a nutritionist who specializes in personal training and eating disorders and she's awesome. We talk about challenges and we take it slow. I've eaten things I never would have eaten a year ago. I had hush puppies last weekend for the first time in like 5 years and while I did feel guilty afterwards, I ate them anyway. I've reintroduced quinoa into my diet. I ate a Sprinkles cupcake in front of people and lived! I'm still working on this, it's a huge battle for me. But so many of my friends who I eat with and are aware of my disorder are so incredibly supportive and cheerleadery that it makes it less of a slog and more of a difficult hike.
A big feature of all of my attempts at recovery was doing it alone. I did this in a lot of ways. I wouldn't come out and say "I have an eating disorder", I'd say "I have body/food issues". I didn't tell people when I was struggling or accept their support when they offered it. The number of people who have commented or messaged me has been the biggest treat of the week. Hearing people share their own journey, no matter what it is, has been an incredible gift. A part of Judaism I latched onto is the idea that everyone has a spark of the divine in them (what that means is a bit hard for me to describe) and that our job is to bring our spark into the world. You all have lit up my life and my facebook, not just this week but everyday with your sparks. Thank you for sharing that and letting others experience the warmth of your spark.
Also this summer, it'll be around my 6 month mark (long story about why it's not a year...) I'm getting a tattoo. I have a lot of reasons I've held off, mostly worrying about pleasing other people and not me. I'm getting it either on a shoulder blade or in between them. I'm getting the NEDA symbol. It's pretty and I want to celebrate this portion of my recovery journey.
The ones that particularly radiated with me this year were "I didn't know my passion had become a problem". I love working out. I love being active, well I do now. This summer I'd be so run down I could barely leave the apartment but I'd still work out an hour a day while not giving myself the nutrients I need to maintain that level. I'd say the most awful shit to myself while I worked out. Seriously people, you'd think I was carrying Golem on my back...and really I kind of was.
The other one was "I had no idea my quest for health was making me sick". I've had to realize I have no idea what actual balanced eating looks like. I talked a lot about this in my entry, but I take suggestions as mandates. I can vividly remember ordering a bagel after game and worrying that everyone was judging me for eating the "nutritionally void" bagel. I now see a nutritionist who specializes in personal training and eating disorders and she's awesome. We talk about challenges and we take it slow. I've eaten things I never would have eaten a year ago. I had hush puppies last weekend for the first time in like 5 years and while I did feel guilty afterwards, I ate them anyway. I've reintroduced quinoa into my diet. I ate a Sprinkles cupcake in front of people and lived! I'm still working on this, it's a huge battle for me. But so many of my friends who I eat with and are aware of my disorder are so incredibly supportive and cheerleadery that it makes it less of a slog and more of a difficult hike.
A big feature of all of my attempts at recovery was doing it alone. I did this in a lot of ways. I wouldn't come out and say "I have an eating disorder", I'd say "I have body/food issues". I didn't tell people when I was struggling or accept their support when they offered it. The number of people who have commented or messaged me has been the biggest treat of the week. Hearing people share their own journey, no matter what it is, has been an incredible gift. A part of Judaism I latched onto is the idea that everyone has a spark of the divine in them (what that means is a bit hard for me to describe) and that our job is to bring our spark into the world. You all have lit up my life and my facebook, not just this week but everyday with your sparks. Thank you for sharing that and letting others experience the warmth of your spark.
Also this summer, it'll be around my 6 month mark (long story about why it's not a year...) I'm getting a tattoo. I have a lot of reasons I've held off, mostly worrying about pleasing other people and not me. I'm getting it either on a shoulder blade or in between them. I'm getting the NEDA symbol. It's pretty and I want to celebrate this portion of my recovery journey.