I don't know anymore
I wish college wasn't a pain in the ass. There's just so many times I want to quit- but then there's the thought of 'what would I do with my life next?' In the beginning I was ecstatic to have been accepted to college but, it's almost like I lost the will to keep trying- I lost the spark that I once had. I thought designing would allow me to express myself with my own style, be myself and all that inspiration crap. But I just realise now how pathetic my dreams were.
I wanted to be free, but then I wanted to be controlled- it's this complicated cycle that I am that has me shaking with negative emotions. Now I am always feeling trapped in my own body, always feeling like I'm gonna break, always afraid of my own skin and skills. I want out- or just a moment to breath without fear.
Sometimes I think I made the mistake to head straight into college, especially when I felt this exact way back in high school. 'Was I always this unstable?' I think to myself every night after neglecting another day to work on my assessments. I was always a passionate procrastinator but now I am not even willing to hand anything in.
If I think of all my friends, I know they have a goal set in mind- but me? I'm in doubt. Even now, another week beginning and much closer to deadlines, I just want to escape and hide. I just don't know what I want anymore...
I wanted to be free, but then I wanted to be controlled- it's this complicated cycle that I am that has me shaking with negative emotions. Now I am always feeling trapped in my own body, always feeling like I'm gonna break, always afraid of my own skin and skills. I want out- or just a moment to breath without fear.
Sometimes I think I made the mistake to head straight into college, especially when I felt this exact way back in high school. 'Was I always this unstable?' I think to myself every night after neglecting another day to work on my assessments. I was always a passionate procrastinator but now I am not even willing to hand anything in.
If I think of all my friends, I know they have a goal set in mind- but me? I'm in doubt. Even now, another week beginning and much closer to deadlines, I just want to escape and hide. I just don't know what I want anymore...