First goodbye, more to come
I am thinking about my friend a lot. It is almost becoming a cliche, since I feel like I think about him constantly, and he only occasionally crossed my mind while he was alive.
"While he was alive." The strangeness of that phrase looms large and pushes away the reality of what happened:
-Tyler was driving
-Car went off the road (why, why, why)
-Overcorrected, hit the guardrail
-Flipped
-Drowned
And it seems like something that happens to somebody less
Real?
Charismatic.
Him.
Mine.
Ours and alive and in our world, preserved with memories of living warm breathing body that laughed and hugged and gave and thought.
And I have to remind myself that the essence of the body that once was Tyler is now ColdStillGone. Constantly. I don't forget, but I have to readjust my reality.
Now, Body is no longer Tyler. Tyler is now memory and exists in beloved (varying degrees) memories of all who encountered the body he once inhabited. He laughed, and now he only laughs in a multitude of ways limited to what each of us has experienced. What if he laughed in a way that was secret and sacred, and nobody heard to remember? Now it is gone forever. Maybe that is what he took with him, wherever he went. [Nowhere is not an option. I am not ready to consider oblivion as a possibility.]
Tyler was in a body that carried Tyler and was warm and alive and hiked and smoked and derived.
The body is now cold and decaying and returning to the earth.
I don't know where Tyler is. I can't find him. Bits and pieces are inside me, but I can't find HIM. And I will laugh someday at something [hell, I already have], but I am sorry buddy, it is hard to celebrate the spectacular pageantry of your departure when I don't know your destination.
I love you as many have loved you. Friend, colleague, crush, rival, family, lifeline, inspiration, mentor, protégé, tutor. Countless other significances. I hope we meet again, friend. You did not go quietly into the night, and we will all give you a rich existence in our hearts. We will preserve you deep inside and live as you lived and aspired t live.
Oh, and you are still meeting Keith. I am quite determined in this. I may have to apologize for your stony demeanor, but he will surely understand.