(no subject)
So we're broken up. So that's that. I have two more days in this house; avoidance is impossible and undesirable. We hold each other, we dance together. I dig my fingernails into my shoulders while he strokes my hair. All of my liquids come out at the same time. I am blood and tears and snot and spit, I am the loudness of it all. Last night I cried so hard that today I have a crying hangover. My stomach is sick and my head is throbbing. I am breathless about the walls, the way I cannot keep heat in my body. I keep breaking into tears. Last night I cried into the fur of an unfamiliar dog while Andy drank beer and played cards with his friends. I feel sorry and guilty and horrible. I feel like there should never have been a choice to make, that it was wrong to say 'choose' but there was no other option. I am angry that he has not chosen me that it has been two years and that he chose to lie and that my body feels ripped apart and I just want to scrape out whatever he's left in me, the dead children and the hatred. To be honest none of this comes as a surprise. We will have five days apart and then we will live together again. I don't know how to feel so betrayed and so angry and so unsafe and still to have him be the only real story that has happened in my life. How to say I am the most hurt I have ever been, to still dance in the living room and the kitchen. It seems stupid to think that all things are cut off, to say that because he is no longer my lover I can no longer kiss him but I kissed him for the last time last night. What does that feel like. Feels like I miss you I am going to miss you. The doorways are strangers, liars and thieves. Passing through them feels cruel, visiting feels cruel. In the morning the sunlight stands in them like a father, shaking the cherry from a cigarette admonishingly. All of my monsters are like photographs of themselves. All of my monsters have red eye and terrible posture and beer breath. I need a warm safe place, fires and waking lights.