(no subject)
In the photo lab I feel hidden and safe. I listen to the cd's that Allen sent me for my birthday and it's so strange, they have VOICES in them. I feel so lonely not alone. I feel like phone calls after heartbreaks, the cold air of unfamiliar cities. Grasping at strings. Recognition after recollection. Dissidence. Desolation.
I had a sex dream about a boy who lives down the corridor from me, and it was nice. The sex was bad, but it was nice to feel close to someone other than Andy, even in a dream. I'm tired and sad and my body feels hard. Allen will be here at the end of the month, I am scared to show him my face a little bit. I have a feeling I will cry like I have a feeling that I will cry when a teacher pulls me aside after class, or when anyone says something nice about something I've done. It's so deep, I wonder if I dug it there, how it got so far so fast.
Before James was my RA, I remember crying in the annex theatre when he did a monologue about his brother in the war. It was funny and amazing I had really tried to keep myself in line but some things just need crying. Then I couldn't stop and I cried and cried on the way back to my room, and Andy was so surprised and he doesn't understand how I feel things so hard. A few weeks later Andy told James that he had made me cry and it wasn't embarrassing, it was tender. Then this year the first day that we were back in Santa Fe and I was unpacking in my room and James came by just to show his face and it was so wonderful to see him again I mean, I barely even know him but it was such a giant, I hesitate to say, relief. Then last night Andy and I went to see James in RECKLESS which was all about people running away and it was kind of funny like funny terrifying. Afterward Andy and I walked across campus and talked about how James had played the father of the nazi girl in The Giants Have Us In Their Books, which I had forgotten. My family owns over two thousand buttons. We laughed.
Andy is going to be a godfather. And an Uncle. I feel passionless, passionless. My birthday turned out fine, thank you for all the wishes.