(no subject)
My father is giving us a car to drive back to Santa Fe and to keep as long as we promise intermittent visits, every other christmas, summer vacation, et cetera. I can't help but feel that my family has done no thing but every thing they could to make my life as easy and carefree as humanly possible but that this constant generosity has led my subconscious to a belief that every thing would always be handed to me and so far it has held up not only in the outskirts of my family life but every where, with every one. And, despite my best efforts to make my life as controversy-riddled and complicated as possible I can't help but feel completely complacent with my inhibitions, my death wishes, my insistent jealousy, my knowledge of injustices, my distrust, my distance from the human race, and my love.
On Tuesday we went to see our crazy camera guy so that he could dig some dirt out of the base of the nikon, and ended up in a discussion about wine which led to him giving us a bottle of the best white I have ever had and not charging us for the repair. Drinking it, I admitted to Andy that I some times wish he'd write poems about me like he did about Anna to which he answered some thing along the lines of, but my life is a poem, and so on. It has been bothering me. However, yesterday he gave his permission for me to buy this as our inability to find a 35mm camera that entices me looms and I am very excited about it.
I miss Nich and I can't wait for him to get over to Asia and come back so that we can live in the same city. I'm realizing more and more that I should be holding as close as possible to the people who bore witness to my ascent in to adultdom which makes me want to see Dan and Jimmy before I leave even though I know that it won't happen. Last night Andy and I made stuffed manicotti using Sherrila's ricotta substitute and Andy said "This is what it will be like when we're grown ups with jobs, we'll come home exhausted and, despite that, make dinner together." We will also probably pass out with out much bodily affection, like last night, as well. Ha-ha.