"I think it’s fair to say my message earlier was one of the hardest things I have said in a very very long time. And I’m sorry if this doesn’t seem fair but I long for the year ago us and to just pull us into each other. I miss that security."
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A year ago 'Us' was called limerence. That high you ride on oxytocin release and waves of dopamine hits. We were intoxicated by one another. Of course that's what you miss. After limerence, your relationships will then transition into the commitment stage and, well, I've learned how you subconsciously feel about that. If only your actions met your words.
A year ago, 'Us' was full of uncertainty. You were beginning to push me away and shut down about this time. In February, you succeeded. You ended things with us then, and suddenly through March into April, I was your girlfriend again. Without discussion of this labeling again, as you were adamantly against labels, they put too much pressure on you. And we never talked about what happened and I never did get answers. I was supposed to accept from you, "I don't know what was wrong with me. I was going through something and I wasn't myself."
And I did. I accepted. But what I accepted was a reminder I experienced some of the hardest heartbreak. I told my heart to just remain quiet, that it doesn't matter what happened, that people deserve their reasons without questioning. And you learned then that I was a woman of my word and will love you regardless. Unconditionally.
I don't think I ever found security after that, though. During then, you were so excited that you were sending me sweet love songs, things that reminded you of me during your day. You sent me a birthday card apologizing for not providing me a loving celebration for my own birthday and that you can't wait to experience all the holidays with me (*scoffs* and to think you dumped me the day before Thanksgiving).
You have patterns that are fortunately predictable. I knew this breakup was coming the moment you told me I was part of your new pup's life, that I was his step mom/bonus mom as I called me. I felt super uneasy initially, I had that gnawing grip in the middle of my gut, twisting, twisting. It was hard for me to feel like I was apart of your little home; something was off and my gut was warning, but I had to wait it out to find out. During this period in time, you'd already begun to shut down and push me away again. It feels like it was then that you started to narrow down on things you didn't like about me. My monthly checklist of personality delight.
You changed from praising me about things you appreciated about me, how beautiful of a person I was, how sexy I was... into things you didn't like about me and that became more your primary focus. At that point, I felt like I would never meet you at your level of 'good enough' and I would forever fall short of your meter.
We never worked on our relationship this time around, when you broke up with me. Let me rephrase: I wasn't given a chance beforehand. I couldn't work on anything with you because you had to do what you needed for yourself, and I was no longer included. There were no gentle discussions on what can be done differently. There were no "we can fight for us, we can each chip in on relationship responsibilities and work to take care of one another, express and address our needs, fall back in love. But no. this time around it was purely one-sided - your side. By the time you came to me, it was already far too late. I feel like you intentionally set up the last 5 weeks with your monthly dump of shit-I'm-no-good-at-and-never-will-be list, just so you could watch me fail. When my changes were taking place, you turned a cheek; you knew what you were doing.
Once you told me everything I wasn't doing right this last time, I worked diligently to try and change that perception of me that you have. I really should've known by then there was nothing I could ever do. Nothing.
You stopped reacting to pictures I started sending, right after you pointed out what needed to happen, what I needed to change, as an attempt to draw you back in with sexy time when we were long distance. Yet all of my pictures, mundane to provocative, ignored. Not a comment unless it was you changing into a new subject. Nothing. I felt humiliated, you know. I feel like I shared the most intimate parts of me with you in this time and you would talk about getting in the shower, feeding the dogs, changing the cat litter, or talking to your housemate. Not a heart react, not a "you're really beautiful," not even a "I'm not comfortable with these right now, if you could please stop sending them."
You kept telling me how angry you were becoming, that it was not your nature and you didn't know why it was surfacing. You talked about internal rage and thoughts, told me some dark aspects of your mind and I listened. I listened. I listened as you complained about everything in your surroundings, and that you'd become far too angry all the time to even notice me, your most intimate surrounding, that I was truly trying. I tried. How often I tried and I doubt to this day you'll ever notice it.
Despite all the effort you felt I lacked in this relationship, I wish you could've seen all the effort I put into us. Into you. Supporting us because I believed we were worth the effort, that relationship hiccups happen, and that a romantic life can be rebuilt with the right tools. Supporting you and your successes because I felt you were worthy of support. Lifting you up, only to find you frustrated and shoot my attempts down.
My efforts weren't done out of obligation, either. Everything I've ever offered has been given of me with no need for return; patience, love, community.
I walked on eggshells.
Something you would always try to reassure me with was to never to edit myself for you, never to hold back things I want to say, because you wanted to know what crossed my mind. Did you ever notice though, that when I would start to talk about me and my worries, my needs, my requests for reassurances, I was 'uht-uht, not now.'
It was either because you just woke up and didn't want to stress, that you were starting the beginning of your day and needed time to process the world; or you were going to sleep, and didn't want to talk about it then either; nighttime is difficult and you are already having lots of stress dreams that if we talked about my pressing needs, it would bleed over into your dreams and disrupt your sleeping; or, you were on your way to work and you needed that drive time to concentrate and focus on what you needed to do that day, that your drive to work was your mood preparation for how you would feel for the rest of the day and you really wanted to make sure it started off good.
There never was a 'right time' to talk you. I was never given the time to talk to you. Yet there I was, the window of opportunity where my time was of the essence to you; where you could call me or text me while I was working, or while I was just waking up and starting my day, or when I had just fallen asleep and you'd ring through and I would answer. I would almost always answer.
I would be at work when we would text all hours of the day, most of it pleasant banter, but towards the end it grew bitter. I would be in between seeing patients, or down in my office and charting, working. If I saw your name pop up, I would stop what I was doing to provide you an chance to be present. I would pause my time, my precious time, to pay attention to you. For me, I felt you were always worth a moment of stress or lack of sleep or time between patients. For me, I felt it was important to hear what you had to say, needed to say, wanted to say, because I knew how important it was for you to be heard. Even if your words intended hurt, I still was there to listen.
In hindsight, I don't think you cared about anyone's time and timing but yours, nor did you seem to care about another's opinion. You know, I am naive. Somewhere, I lost myself to your manipulation tactics, I grew quiet, I spoke when asked a question, I limited my responses to short and simple.
For your sake, and to my audience, you were never outwardly wicked, nor vicious, nor malicious, nor violent. You were nonconfrontational, never wanted to argue or bicker loudly, and if conflict arose, you would be out. Also, I'm actually questioning if you are consciously aware that you do manipulate. I really don't think you know that you do it; I truly feel that your perception is true and honest to your reality.
Hard truth: relationships never remain in that desired honeymoon period for long. Another hard truth: that remains true in any and every relationship you will enter into. The length of limerence is typically around 3-5 months and then you evolve and grow, you get comfortable with one another, and begin to settle into the commitment stage. Good luck chasing that.
I feel like our time together in June was great, especially regarding desire and intimacy. I realize that you were forced into that situation and your stress levels were high. You slept through your alarm well past your flight's departure time. I called you and woke you up, told you that I was already a step ahead and had flights picked out. Said there's one seat left on this airline and I'll reserve it for you. I was excited to see you, at that point, I was determined to. I knew that trip wasn't about me, or us, or you coming for an intentional visit. I just got the privilege to be a portion of your time. I had so much fun that weekend; I felt truly reconnected with you, desired by you, and it felt like you were proud to have me at your side. It really hurts to hear you inform me that our time back then didn't amount to your expectations.
My trip in July - I tried so hard to be positive when I was in terrible pain. You took such great care of me and for that I thank you. You gave me the greatest anniversary gift anyone has ever given me. It was thoughtful, it was yours. During that visit, I felt really important and I felt worthy. I felt like we were going to persevere, that our relationship would continue to grow and we were getting stronger.
A week after that visit, your pup fell ill. Seizures. You did everything you could to save him but there was nothing to be done. You went through 24 hours of pure agony while I worked that morning of his death to fly out on the next available flight. He died before I got there, but you were so grateful I was there, that I had really come. I reminded you that I'm true to my word, tell me "I need you," and that's all it takes, I'm there. You cried into me for hours while I soothed your gaping wounds. I mourned with you. The reality set in and you were numb; I had to return home. I called out from work, actually. Flew in Sunday evening after working my weekend shift, called out Monday, was already off on Tuesday to give focus to you and tender your pain. I left late Tuesday night. You thanked me time and time again, in disbelief still, that I was actually there.
Come October with a quick 3-day weekend visit, I still thought we were solid. I thought we were actually really fucking good.
When I got home that time, I voiced with happiness that I felt we were growing, improving, "on solid footing," I said, and you quickly shot me down. "I don't," you replied, "I don't think we have any footing, let alone solid."
The wind was ripped from my chest as I silenced, tears threatening to spill only to listen to you on how you wished I never came when Barbas died. And might I add: That. Fucking. Hurt. to hear. That might even be the most hurtful thing, out of everything you have ever said to me that was intended to cut in wounds by you. It took a moment to process that statement, but once it registered in my head, I broke. Defeated.
I realized that I would never be able to do anything right by you. That any intention would be ignored or insulted; any sweet gestures would be seen as threats by you. I realized that anything I could do, you'd likely come to me after and tell me that you wished I never would've, and that your words would be cold as flat.
Looking back on it now, it feels like you've been harboring all of my flaws; of the drunken shit I've said/done that I barely recall, to snippets of what I've said while sober that you were not fond of;. things I would phrase a certain way only to be told that you didn't like the way they were phrased.
From that point forward, nothing was going right. I was faulty and flawed. I was the problem and you were my coach. Instead of trying to look at our issues constructively, they were to be used later as weapons against me. The more I gave of me, the more you tore me apart. I faced my feelings a while ago, coming to conclusion that you don't like me and I'm not sure for how long that's gone on, but there's no way anyone could treat me like that if they liked me.
At least I have in my heart's heart that I never treated you like shit, that you were never abused by me. Not your toxic exes that that came before me; the ones you were with for many years beyond their expiration date. The ones that would attempt to kill your animals or stalk you, scream at y0u, leave you the moment the two of you settle in another state. I never abandoned you like you used to tell me happened when you would start dating people; that once they found out that your body was trash, they would leave you because they couldn't handle your medical urgencies at times. Yet stupid fucking me, there through it all. Pancreas scare, breast cancer scare, GI bleeds galore, intractable sciatica pain, concerns with your heart, migraines, stomach pain, everything. All of it. I never fucking left through any of it.
Fuck, man. I tried, you know. I really fucking tried.
You recently texted me a picture of you holding your doggo; you captioned it, "I'm only going to break him too and I hate that." Newsflash, you're only going to break him because you're focused on how you're going to break him. Why don't you try pulling from deep inside you words of positivity that support you, that support him through his life. Try, "I'm broken and while it may be difficult right now, I feel you'll help me through this and one day you'll have the life I intend you to have and you will be happy."
Once you establish to yourself that anything you come into contact with is better without you, you don't leave room for anyone to try and prove differently. I feel like I have the right to express this, as I've heard time and time again how I would be better off without you, that I deserved better, that I was too good for you. Words like this tell me that my opinions of you, or us, don't matter. You would tell me when you were in duress how you weren't my rock, that you could never be my rock (which btw, I never asked you to be). You made sure to tell me multiple times how you can't shoulder my problems and yours, that you are drowning, suffocating on stress and dark thoughts. In fact, I did my best to rarely what I was going through. I never wanted to add to your strain. There's so much I've had to hold inside because I never wanted to be your burden.
Ultimately, I feel that's all I've ever been.
I know that's the irrational part of my brain speaking right now, but I feel like all I've done is drag you down and bring you long periods of unhappiness and misery. I feel shame, I feel worthless, and I feel all I did was scare you away.
Yet you remain after breaking up with me, saying that you want us to remain friends. I will say this: I will not tolerate a third return if you choose to leave again; I will not tolerate this back and forth manipulation of my heart and of my generosity. I love you and I love our friendship. I love what we've built these past few years. And ironically enough, it's the friendship, I feel, that has been the strongest out of anything we are or were.
Speaking of friends...if after all of this talk of wanting to be my friend you change your mind, I'll recognize that all you want to surround yourself with are negative people and instances. You are someone who feeds on negative surroundings to validate your mood, the depressive states, your periods of low esteem and worth. You don't want positivity anymore or loving people who support you unconditionally.
If you choose not to stick around, that is also fine. I will realize that you prefer negative people like En and Je, two very different walks of your life, who are and will remain abusive towards you. How insulted you look whenever I speak against them, too. But they shit all over you, traumatize you, become physically violent to you and you cry how they have wronged you. Shared how these two best friends have done unforgivable things to you, unforgivable things that have been forgiven, after you've told me time and time again, that you would no longer stand for it.
I'm starting to grow immune to your whining.
Throughout the 4+ years you've known me, I have shown to you how I am an unconditional loving human with the patience of a saint, who has always been present when you needed me to. Kept privacy when they did not. Showed honesty when they did not. And I'm being told by you that you aren't comfortable with me anymore, that I'm no longer a safe space for you anymore, because of something you are holding against me that I know nothing about; something so profound that you "tried but just can't get past it."
How you defend the friends who get all coke-boozed up and start throwing wall art at you, large plaster paintings at you, while reportedly screaming that you weren't allowed to leave, demanding that you stay, hysterically screaming at you, "you're having fun, right?! you cant leave, this is fun!"). You can look past that? Maybe you would start to trust me again if I turned toxic towards you. Seems that you are drawn to those vibrations and they are drawn to you, and I'm just a random fluke of kindness that drives you into further darkness. Sorry, but I'm not here to treat you like shit, or lead you on, or make you feel little in order for me to feel big. I'm not going to throw things at you, or chase you and threaten you.
Despite your experiences of me that harbor more negative emotion than the positive times, I really am here to respect and love you as an equal. I really am here to be present when you need someone to turn to, someone that you know you can ultimately trust when in deep need. Someone who doesn't run when shit gets hard, as you have first handedly seen.
I'm going to be your old friend who isn't as soft and forgiving as you remember her, who will call you out on your bullshit and keep you accountable for your actions, who won't tolerate being silenced in order to protect you, if I'm not being protected. Oh, no no, I will not return to that side of me, that muted voice you muffled quieter with every interaction.
If it takes treating you like all of your other "friends" to get the point across and have you shut and listen, well baby, I can roll up my sleeves because I'm not scared to speak anymore. You have no hold over me and soon you'll get to see. Now that we're not tethered and I owe you absolutely n0thing, you might get to see me leave if you ever disrespect me like you disrespected me as your girlfriend.