Attachment Theory and unorganized rambling of experiences.

[softdelusion]

This has been a hot topic floating around the interwebs for a while now, but I never bothered to look into it. I rolled my eyes each time it would appear because I considered it like astrology or numerology; informative in the curious fashion, but no significance to real life.

Until this week. I fell down a rabbit hole and spiraled through all I could capture in my brain on attachment theories. I fed myself article after article, absorbing all of the details to help me make better sense of my own character. I read on each of them; anxious attachment, fearful avoidant, dismissive avoidant, and secure attachment. I took one of the online tests to help me better understand where I fell on this attachment spectrum, and interestingly enough, I took a test that was used for an official research article and not just the first one that popped up.



The results were conflicting at first, but it's because I misinterpreted what they were asking. That time resulted as fearful avoidant. I took it a second time and I got preoccupied anxious attachment with avoidant tendencies--which, I'll tell y0u, that ain't wrong. I'm single right now so I had to reflect back on my behaviors in my last relationship. I was on the crux of anxious and secure; already in one polyamorous relationship that I was developing high anxiety because of her anxieties, and then starting my relationship with my last. At first, y'all, when I say she grounded me, she grounded me. There was immediate attraction, spark, the sex was amazing, all of it. Also, side note, we had been friends by this point for 3 years. Silly me, I confessed finally that I had a massive crush on her and lo behold, she confessed the same. Caveat! She lived 1,047 miles away. She's from my city, but she moved years ago with her girlfriend at that time and made that state their home. We were from the same group online and she would ask me all sorts of medical questions when she had a concern. I felt that starting anything with her would be solid, as we had an excellent foundation to grow from. But the idea of risking her as a friend if we broke up was heavy on our hearts and we took the plunge anyway.

I flew out there for a conference during the summer (thank you to my employer for paying for my flight to go get laid, haha) and we finally met. She picked me up from the airport and by this point, our emotions and adrenaline and dopamine and serotonin levels were already off the charts, but in person, we clicked. It was instant. She was comfort. She was home.

I would fly out every 8 weeks-ish to be with her for a week or 2, PTO permitting. We made plans about the future, living together eventually--she even entertained the idea of moving back to my area. And this is where, in hindsight and with attachment theory awareness, it started. She was looking for a house to buy and have her brother move in, where she would work, everything. We were making plans on what to paint her kitchen and how she would want me to help her decorate. We were beginning to plan for a future together. And then, *out of nowhere, she grew distant, quieter. I thought I had done something wrong, so naturally I ask her if she's alright.

*"I can't move back there." Granted, we can go ahead and blame finances and the juggling of everything she would need to do to haul her small amount of stuff back. We had it planned that I would fly there and we would drive back, together, hand in hand as we ventured into this new path in life. All that changed with that simple check-in question, and I understood. In fact, if you look below on one of the other posts here, I believe I have one where I express my personal concerns on her coming back and being miserable. I was also fearful that she would grow resentful towards me if she moved back and grew quickly unhappy.

I totally get it, I told her. I supported her, flew out a few weeks later, about a week after my birthday, and went for a conference (free flights are amazing when you have a partner in another state!). Mind you, we are now at about 10.5 months later from when we first confessed our crushes, and we are 7 months since we met and made us official. I'm there with her and it's amazing. Until it wasn't. She was cool-ish; not exactly to that cold state, but damn could I read her energy and it made me severely uncomfortable. *I tiptoed around her, walked on eggshells so as not to disrupt her peace. She would always tell me not to edit myself or hold back what I want to say, yet when I would start to express myself, suddenly *it would become a topic change and my needs were never reviewed. She began saying things like, "honey, I don't like it when you do xyz so I really need you to work on that."

Okay, love. I'm sorry. I will work to be better. I will work to be more cognizant with what I'm doing. I never want to upset you.

*Nitpicking and criticism ramped. So, this trip, I my conference was scheduled at the end of my trip so I had time to kill before. We went places and she *directed me on what I could say and what would bother her and be crossing the line. But she was charming, filled with adoration towards me. We weren't really having sex though, because again, *she distanced herself from me. We went places and she barely talked.

On the day I had arrived, we were out at a restaurant and I told her I had her Christmas present awaiting her for whenever it is she moves into a new home--She asks what it is, so I tell her it's a KitchenAid stand mixer (she expressed multiple times that she wanted one so badly)--she immediately *acted repulsed and insulted, declaring that that's too expensive and she won't accept it, and blurted out that her step-mom got her one, too; a red one, her favorite color. That was when I began to question her integrity. I smelled a lie and it was her way of denying a gift for her because it overwhelmed her.

Man, so much is clicking now as I relive this.

We are not very cuddly. I asked if she wanted me in the spare bedroom, she tells me no, she wants me with her, in her bed. I accepted but now I'm starting to feel like I'm an unwanted houseguest, a burden that she has to endure the rest of my time. At one point, I even offered to get a rental car and stay at a local hotel; after all, my job would reimburse me the costs. She declined and insisted I stayed. But she didn't warm up to me. When she wanted to do something as a belated birthday dinner, she wasn't enthusiastic. I. Was. Just. There. and I felt gross.

The last few days of the trip were the most intense moments for that visit. Doesn't help that I'm at my conference 9-5 for 3 days so I have to concentrate on that and not the war inside me head and between our love. She also worked so that helped me not feel she was sitting at home preparing our battle. Fortunately for us, at first, we were able to argue diplomatically and would take accountability the moment we are made aware that we were in the wrong. So I came home each day, as did she, and we looked like we dreaded one another. It was gut wrenching. I would sit on the spare bed in another room and softly cry into a Squishmallow I brought, all the worst case scenarios playing through my head. She hates me, it's over, I'll never see her again--all those. And it turned into she didn't want to be in a relationship, that having a title was too much for her in that moment and that *she needed to work on herself.

So I asked her if this was the end of us, if we were breaking up, and she replies, *"I think so. Maybe in the future, when I'm in a better headspace we can try it again?" My knee-jerk retort as I brushed past her angrily was, "Fairy tales don't happen in real life." So I went into her room and started getting my shit to pack. I was upset. Devastated. *I went through all the recent scenarios in my head to where I went wrong, what did I do, I know this is my fault and how can I fix it. But I wouldn't try to fix it; I warred within myself and the mature woman within my head stayed firm and made me very aware that I'm not going to chase. I'm not going to beg. But what I did was leave her bedroom, calm with tear stains down my cheeks and my eyes bloodshot red, and I found her. I walked up to her and I gently apologized for my cutting words, that I didn't mean to blurt that out and I owned my moment. There she was shocked, as she shares she never had a partner that would hold themselves accountable when they realized they stepped over a line. She also apologized, but hers was surrounding my broken heart, as well as hers, and we were working towards a new chapter with a beautiful friendship coming out of this.

Trip over, I fly back home; she starts sending me all of these songs where the lyrics were indicative of her mood in the moment; so much remorse, so many of them singing about the woman they left behind or the woman that left. Talking about love and future, etc. This was her way of getting back to my heart, and I'll admit, it was hook, bait, and sinker - I was caught up in it and ate it up. She was back, thank god, she was back. But she really wasn't. Once we hit the 4 week mark of being apart, she would withdraw and make it seem like I was the distant one. I expressed feeling validation a few times, reassurance of my place in our relationship, and it irked her, like answering that was an inconvenience. So here I am, shrinking again, afraid to speak up about my needs or establishing better boundaries, and we talked about hers. Always about hers.

This went on for months, y'all. The intoxicating push-pull of the Anxi0us-Avoidant Dance. Everything above that contains an asterisk (*) is a textbook example of one of our personalities at play. I was the Anxious attachment, grasping for straws, staying quiet to avoid conflict, working on relationship and resolution, anything we could do to remain in good standing and together. She was the fearful avoidant; completely withdrawing when increasing intimacy is involved (like planning for the future, moving back home, those intimate big steps people take in a relationship), and any time big plans came up that would mean change and we could be together, she would have some medical crisis or something (I'll get into that later).

She had to come to my state for a wedding in June, so I drove 4 hours to pick her up from the airport, mind you, just after working an 8 hour day. I wasn't invited to the wedding or reception, said she was told she c0uldn't bring a Plus 1 (although earlier in the year when the invitations were sent, she asked me to be her date, so I don't know when the rules changed here!). So I dropped her off at the wedding/reception site and I went off to the gym to workout. I get a text about how interesting it is to see her family she hasn't seen, got gossip updates, and then later, "My family would like to meet you. Can you come now?" Well shit, I'm in sweaty gym clothes working out so I run home, change into something pretty, quickly don some makeup and arrive there about an hour 15 when she asked me to come. Everyone was asking why I didn't come with her and welcome, make yourself at home! My partner got uncomfortable, shifting on her feet; she has this baffled look she makes when I feel she's lying and sure shit, there it forms as she addresses aunt, "I was told we couldn't have a guest!" Turns out, my partner was misinformed somewhere. Hmm.

I flew out for her birthday and our 1 year anniversary 3 weeks later and it got sloppy. She started in on how she felt miserable, how I shouldn't waste my money on her, that she doesn't want a trip anywhere, she doesn't want to go to any fancy places to eat and she just wants to stay at home; her birthday is not a favored time of year. So I tell her that we can do anything she wants and I support her. She tells me she feels like she that she is this way, that she's refusing my generosity and love; I told her anything that means time with her is all I'm asking. I'm easy. This is when I started noticing her increasing criticism and complaints about me, to me.

Somewhere in the year together, she lost her spark. She became depressed and anxious and I supported her through it. So much was falling on her head and I was there; if not physically, I was always present for her. And for this trip, since it was our anniversary and her birthday celebration trip, I didn't correct her and just did that whole subservient, "I will work on.." over and over and over. To the point that 3 things were stated as we were driving home from somewhere; I apologized as usual and I watched the landscape blur by and the mirrored reflection on the passenger window. This is when I realized I was coming to resent her; I was angry that I'm always the one surrendering apologies and she has yet to let me get a word across on what I see in our relationship and in her that may bother me.

I finally noticed how I was hurting.

I was there for 16 days then. I was injured the week before, so we were limited on adventures, but I did what I could to please her. She made me an INCREDIBLE 5-course anniversary dinner (she's a high end chef) and I felt loved, appreciated. I went to put on a the fancy dinner dress I had brought with me for this night, not sure what we would end up doing. I felt sexy in it and I couldn't wait for her to see me come around the corner--I always loved coming out in sexy clothing. She would always give me compliments, cheer me on, make me feel desired. When I came back into the kitchen, I had a shy look on my face. She turned and saw me, did that little neck jerk people tend to do when they're taken off guard, and contorts her face while saying, "You didn't have to put that on." My heart sunk. I felt stupid. I felt ugly, but I pushed out, "I wanted to feel sexy and look sexy for you tonight for dinner. Plus I wanted the chance to wear this for the first time."

"Aight." And that was all she ever said with me in the dress. I went and changed clothing in between one of the courses and just shoved the dress into my suitcase, crumpled, like my ego and my feelings. Pulled it together, went back out, and I just quietly sat there, complimented her as she loves to be complimented on her work, praised her, food really was delicious; I kept the conversation superficial and let her lead. I was tired. Oh lord, I was tired.

A week after that, her 1.5 year old pup died suddenly, necropsy later revealing a rapid growing tumor in his brain and he died from status epilepticus; she was all alone with him, went to the vet twice, called a friend to come help her as she was terrified that he was going to die. I got an emergency flight out but it wasn't going to get there until 5pm; he died at 3. She picked me up from the airport and I just soothed her. I let her cry, get angry, be in denial, bargain; all of the emotions all at once. And I remained, holding her when she needed held, just being her comfort, her rock, what a partner becomes in a time of crisis. I was there 3 days.

October was another trip out; I worked an 8 hour shift then had to drive to the airport to get through security and hop on my 7:50p flight out. She got me from the airport as usual; this time I'm there for an obstacle course marathon we planned together. She ended up running it alone because my physician didn't recommend it (I was scheduled the following month for surgery from the recent injury). I cheered her on, took her pictures as she crossed the finish line; I was her biggest cheerleader and I was so proud. We leave and the entire ride home was her complaining about the disorganization of the event, fat people in her way, people not taking it seriously and that they need to make two trails: one for serious marathoners and one for the groups that went to share camaraderie. So yeah, an hour of bitching and then we get home. She complains later in the day and I'm trying to reassure her and tell her that I was so proud of her and she sh0uld also be pr0ud, and she was, for the time she came in on, but that was it. "I'm never participating in that one again."

I fly home. The day after I'm back, we're chatting one the phone. I don't even remember what the topic was about, but suddenly she drops a list of 5 things she told me she cannot handle I do and that I needed to work on it immediately. Blew me away, first time she's done this. I repeat back what she's telling me and told her I would be more aware and make the improvements. I also requested that she comes to me sooner so that I can be aware sooner, as it feels uncomfortable getting a bunch of things all at once.

It was either end October or first week November, but we're talking again on the phone. Casual, nothing to prompt, and down she drops a list of 4 things. So my snark response was, "What, is this the monthly dump on what's wrong with me? I have been working to improve areas of me from only 4 weeks ago and I have another to-do list." I share that this hurts me, that I had asked her not to dump on me like this as it makes me feel little.

She gets offended I would even call it "the monthly dump" - she gets hyperfixated on this and ruminates, holding a grudge and making me feel little; less than. I again remind her I asked not to have it all at me at once, and that I was still working through the other list, and that I was trying, truly trying and does she even see? She tells me she needs to get off the phone. She texts something shortly after about how livid she is at me and I don't hear from her the rest of the night. Naturally, Anxious Attachment lady over here is freaking the fuck out. Blaming myself for saying anything, the whole what-if I remained quiet, etc. Things eventually settle; we start discussing her increasing anger towards everything and I expressed that I've noted a lot of her anger being directed at me. She apologizes.

Two weeks later, another bomb, but this is only one item: sexy time. Facetime, recordings, voice clips--that's how we managed as long distance relationship. She tells me that she's tired of being the one to initiate sexy time or even sex with me; I get triggered and am brought back to when I was 16, when my boyfriend at the time pinned me down against my will and raped my ass. I brought this up, about my fear for rejection if I initiated anything or sent anything, and explained how I have reverse rejection. Due to that episode long ago, I somehow manifested my worries of my boyfriend feeling rejected and it patterned on to me through the years. Immediately she says, "What the fuck? I trying to express how I'm feeling and this is how you reply? What the fuck. You need to get that resolved, you need to get back in therapy. That's too much. Why is everything with you so complex? You go from zero to one hundred all the fucking time!" She berates me for ignoring her request to increase intimacy and she tells me that she's no longer going to try.

Immediately following, I started sending her all the love texts, naked pictures, videos; not a single one of them were acknowledged. She would go in on how she was taking a shower, or about to leave for work, etc. I pushed through though, as she did give me the green light to send these items. I tried to aim for video date night the night before my surgery. Mind you, she was to be there for me in pre-op but she couldn't make it. Funds, even though she waited until the very latest to look up ticket prices when I had asked her over and over to start looking in September and October. She didn't. I digress. She agrees to a video date and when the time comes for our date, she couldn't get on right then, she had something going on, I can't remember what, but we got about 8 minutes of boring conversation where I could see her face. Y'all, when I say I tried, I fucking tried for this woman.

Surgery day, she is self-pitying to me how she should be there holding my hand before going in and that she would be there for me when I came out. "I should be there," she stated again, but it was off. The tone was off. It didn't sound like it was being directed at me, but almost like a personal attack to herself, that she sh0uld be ashamed of herself. I start to tell her how I'm nervous, that if I don't come out alive to know how much I love her; she tells me I'm being ridiculous, but it wasn't playful. She again reminds me that I'm 0-to-100. I get put under, wake up, learn the surgeon called her first with my updates; the surgeon called my former spouse (not divorced though and we still live in the same household to child rear and manage finances together, separate floors, no involvement) to give him the deets. I call her the moment I get my phone to check in; I'm still groggy, high as fuck from sedation and I don't remember anything that I said. But she was sweet, in fact, she was the sweetest she's been to me in such a long time. I felt loved. I felt reassured.

The surgery was on a Friday, the following Wednesday we're on the phone while she is headed to the gym. We had talked, naturally, every day in between; she sent me a grabby stick and a bell to help me cope being bedridden. She was charming, trying to keep my spirits up. We told one another we loved each other and that she would call me on her way home from the gym.

Instead, I got a breakup text an hour later where she could control the conversation, pointed out she couldn't do it over the phone as she wanted to avoid any arguments, and I was not really graced any chance to reply with my issues; I said, "Okay. Thanks." Some following texts about she can throw my shit out that I have at her place, that she asked me to leave items so she could feel closer to me. But the breakup note mentioned she hasn't felt a connection nor the pull for desire with me in a long while, and that--of course--she states that I have done and said things that she cannot forgive but never elaborates. This is the day before Thanksgiving, too. I stopped texting.

Thanksgiving evening, I get a text with her telling me happy Thanksgiving, probably not the best received but I wanted to let you know that I have always appreciated you and that I do love still love you." I felt immediate emotional anger and I replied with a few things I wanted a chance to have her read, know my feelings, and she replied, "Are you really trying to hurt me? Is this what you're doing? I don't need your help, I do well enough myself."

She converted my pain into hers. She also did that in January when I had told her I ended the 3.5 year relationship with my other partner, and I referenced how I was hurting, and the combination from this break up and my ending my marriage weeks ago.." she stopped me in that moment, knew I was grieving, knew how badly I felt and was sobbing to her the pain, "wait, you didn't tell me that. You ended your marriage?" "Yeah, end of November, I thought I told you? Really? I can't believe I didn't tell you. I didn't tell Beth, either, though, she wasn't privvy to these details anymore but not to you? I'm so sorry." And there I was, that's where it started for me, the groveling and her turning my anguish, my pain, into hers because she was insulted I didn't tell her, that she didn't feel like she was a part of my life at that moment and what exactly is this relationship; she made sure how bad I fucked up. Her pain. Not mine. Hers.

I also apologize, this entry is all over the place and there's so much still missing. But to continue to just last week - all I could think about was how I was always there for her during her medical emergencies (she was often in the ER), either physically or as her rock from afar. And here she is, dumping me 5 days post-op. Kick 'em while they're down, yeah? She was so focused on my healing, too, and wham. This came out of nowhere, too. I mean, kind of. I started to realize she was growing further and further away back in June, and it just progressively worsened. June was when her family met me--big life event for us, family! And that right there is an event most would be excited to share with their love; but an Avoidant retreats, they fear intimacy, moving forward.

She sent me a text the following day ensuring that I was aware of other reasons for the ending of our 18 month romantic relationship, such as her trying to pull back last year this time, when she felt security, love; that after that she could never get it back. That was during our honeymoon phase, you know, where we're prime oxytocin and dopamine? She's addicted to limerence is what I'm noticing, and she confused that with love; when confused not getting the rush of oxy/dop as falling out of love. No, you just weren't getting the brain highs.

It's been one hell of a ride. I have watched so many videos on YT and TikTok, IG, FB on attachment theories and each one outlines the patterned behavior of avoidants, what they usually say in a break-up, and that they pull away during big events in the relationship.

It started to come together.

February, she pulled away because of my life events; I'm now only tethered to her, agreeing to monogamy (I've been polyam almost 20 years! THAT'S SAYING A LOT). So now, no husband, no other girlfriend. Just us. Splits.

June, I meet her family; she flies home, boom, distances. Starts worsening.

July, I get injured yet fly out after released from a 3-day stay in the hospital (which I should've stayed longer, but I was so ready to see and be with her. I needed her and her comfort) and she is weird when I'm there for our B/A celebrations. She retracts further.

September, I get assigned a surgery date. She starts talking about flights out here; she starts a new job, so new schedule, but she ensured she would have the original 5 days off so she could come out here and be my caretaker. Any mention of tickets thereafter and she would say, not yet, need to get paid, gotta figure out the animals--excuse after excuse.

November, surgery - she dumps me when I am in my house, basically limited ambulation, on crutches and have a T-scope hip brace; I'm stuck in the same 4 walls and I'm not one to like sitting around, so this is naturally driving me crazy! And then, wham. Let's go ahead and add to it; let's give you something to ruminate over, play scenario over scenario in your head about what you did wrong, how if you did all that she asked, she wouldn't be leaving me; if I had completed her needs lists (but had she acknowledged that I was actually focusing on these needs and made the massive changes to make her happy? nope). And that's when I ran across someone talking about shadow work and attachment theory on my FB feed and I got curious.

And today, I put her in No Contact (with benefits--as I can't bring myself to block her, as she has a small friend group there but none of them know her as intimately as I do and she's been in a super rough spot with her mental health these days). I had asked to call and if that was too much, I could send a video she could watch in her own time; she told me she didn't want to deal with any deep psychological questions nor information dumping with me trying to give advice on things; she wanted to keep things on a superficial level as this is where her spoons were. I responded that this wasn't what I wanted to tell her on the phone. Told her it was actually plain and simple but I wanted to speak it out loud so she would know it wasn't in malice. I told her I was putting her in No Contact and that I needed to do this for my own healing, that I needed to step away from her so that I could shift my focus off of obsessive thoughts as I'm stuck in a room and can't go anywhere. "Not what I was expecting.."

Maybe, just maybe, if you ever had given me a chance, you would have seen that half of what I wanted to express was never what you projected on me, and yet you would tell me I was projecting on you.

All the intellectual and emotional subtle, under the skin, insults; the gaslighting; the psychological warfare I went through; all the sorrys I gave without a single one uttered ever in return. Nothing. I have realized how much this was a one-sided relationship and I was the host.

There's so many beautiful memories I have of us and the relati0nship; our friendship evolving, so much of it was a blast. We were a power couple, people called us. We were a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen. We were incredible, when she let me still be incredible. But once she started the whole dance this past January, she kept it forward and never slowed down. She would spiral, dip me down, lift me up, until she let me go completely, suddenly.

I feel pain. I feel better after getting this shit out, too. I use notepad on my phone and I write stuff there. There's more about this relationship that I went through that will be published after this. Much shorter though, so you're welcome. They say the Avoidant always comes back. Once they get the silence and are forced to face their decision, once they get past the first phase of the breakup where they feel relief that they were able to do it, during that period of time where they feel really good, until the second stage. That's when they start to question if they made the right decision, and they start craving you because you gave them the comfort they need, you were their safety. You showed them unconditional true love and they felt secure, until it got to be too much, but yeah. And then, then they reach out, check on you; this is a way to see if they still hold space in your life, if they can come back.

Originally, she's who suggested remaining friends. Everything that I was learning from warns about this type of Avoidant, that their intentions may come across as endearing to them, that they are softening the breakup blow they caused you so they don't feel bad, or they want to keep tabs on what you're doing and what an easy way to keep on kn0wing. They don't get the chance to recognize what they did, sit with their consequences on why the partner would leave and where they went wrong. They see themselves inherently wretched, terrible humans who don't deserve you. They always say, 'you deserve better, I can't give you what you need,' and you can bet she uttered that shit a time or 20.

I feel better now that I have her on no contact. I hope I can hold out. I hope I can now start to heal.