Scene. Cut. End scene.
First take.
I can only speak for me here, but I don't feel I'm spiraling into worse. But I can see that when I do spiral, how it affects us. I wish I knew all that was going on inside your mind regarding me and us, so that I can openly talk about it with you, and to also openly share how I'm feeling. So that we can at least have that part of our lives not complicated, while other aspects we can work through without the weight of worry. I know that what's going on is far more than just us, that there are so many elements in all directions, but it's the only area in our life together where we have control and can work towards healthier strides.
I'm sorry. I'm just very sorry. For this, for my behaviors; if I somehow have stopped feeling a safe space for you. I want to be the one place you can come and shed everything, and here I feel I am letting you down. I had no idea I created this wedge when I talked about my insecurities with people and giving me lip service; or think that I would feel disappointed about some activity that would later end up isolating you, all because you felt in some ways pressured to sacrifice your own wants just to appease my own. I wish I had known this because I would have halted that rapidly, provided reassurances and talked through it earlier on. It really is okay to say, "E, I really don't want to do xyz." I accept establishment of boundaries.
Cut.
Take 2.
I wish all this wasn't happening to you. I wish the phone conversation didn't end like that. It puts the context of 'This is not healthy. For either of us," to feel that you mean us, this relationship. And I am still unsure if that's not actually what you meant, but I believe you were meaning your own individual spiraling, as well as mine, by way of your follow-up reply.
I wish I had known that all of this was going on.
I fear I have set some standard to be met that I am unaware of setting that has you feeling a certain way about me, or maybe an uncertain way about me.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for my behaviors. To lead you into this realm of anxieties where you felt obligated to go against your needs just to make me happy. But my happiness comes when I am with you, regardless of the activity or event. I just want to be with you, and that event was just an excuse to have you with me; a date and time I could focus specifically on, because I knew then that you'd be at my side and all would be well again in this world.
Are we still okay? Are we still okay in that we're looking to continue and openly work on what we are growing together? Or did last night put it feeling some certain way? I want our relationship; we knew long distance would have its challenges, but I feel that what we have is worth learning how to navigate more cleanly, clearly, openly. We've managed two years of some pretty intense conversations where we entrusted one another. I really don't want to lose that part of us. Did the title of 'girlfriend' cause distraction of what we are based on? How we had formed?
And I know that there is so much more to the overwhelming feelings you're having that you aren't solely focused on us. While I can be there for you to hear about what troubles you in the moment, that stuff I can't change, but I can support. But regarding myself in the title of Us, what I can work on is balancing me, so that the Us doesn't have to feel so heavy in that list of Overwhelming.
Again, I am so sorry that I didn't recognize what was happening in the moment, and what signals I was throwing out or communicating. I want to work on hearing you and listening; I want you to know that what you say is received, processed, and understood. I feel I've let you down and I hope there's a place where I still stand with you in this--in our--life.