Downtown B*tch
So yesterday I get off work, and I’m stuck in downtown congestion. It had been raining all day, and well, you know how Los Angelinos drive in adverse weather conditions.
The rain has subsided for a little while, and I’m waiting at an intersection when the car behind me honks. Sure, the light was green, but there is nowhere to go because we’re stuck in gridlock traffic. The light turns yellow, then red, and eventually green again. I go forward when the bitch behind me speeds out to the side of the intersection and plows forward to cut me off.
I slam on my brakes and beep my horn at her. I mean, was it worth it to do that in order to move one measly car ahead? I don’t think so. I’m pissed.
As the traffic moves forward at a lentissimo pace, I see an opening in the lane next to us so I pull forward. I am now side by side with the bitch in the Lexus who’s rushing to get nowhere. She’s pretty. She looks like she spends a lot of time on her hair. She looks like a rich bitch. Hate it.
In typical Zeppo fashion, I roll down my window and yell, “What’s your fucking problem?!” She looks at me and then back at the road. I start searching through my car for something to throw at her. Papers, napkins, a plastic fork - none of those seem good. Then I find the holy grail of Things to Throw: a tennis ball.
BOOM! The ball bounces off her window, and she jumps. She looks at me with fear in her eyes. I know, I know-two wrongs don’t make a right. But tit for tat, biotch!
“Yeah, you like that?!?” I yell. She gets on her phone. I’m not impressed. “Go ahead! Call the cops!”
She has no proof. She gets off the phone a minute later. I’ve calmed down. We’re still stuck in traffic, of course. I’m listening to some Killers for my nerves. As I creep downhill to FINALLY get on the freeway, I see something in the gutter in the middle of the intersection: a tennis ball.
I LOLed.
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