well..
Um well.. i had a really good day today but i'm not feeling so good right now... my parents are having a pretty heated argument, and i don't even know what they're fighting about. All i know is that my mom just left. I don't even get it. They wonder why i sit up here, on the computer whenever i'm home.
1.) everyday when i get home my brother and my dad are sitting in the living room watching tv. I walk in, say hello, obviously because they're my FAMILY. My dad doesn't look up. We all know he has more important things to be doing than to acknowledge his daughter. Oh and my brother wouldn't even be watching tv with dad if his computer wasn't broken. Let's just say I hear my dad yelling about me. I'm a liar, I'm a bitch-- because i expect him to maybe say hello when i walk in-- what an unfair expectation. Evidentally, I'm lying that he is an asshole. He's irritable because he hates his job, he is anemic so he's automatically exausted, he hates me ( i know that much ) and basically has let us all know how much he hates his life. God forbid my mother back me up. Yeah, it's true-- sometimes i'm a bitch.. but i'm not fucking lying when i say it upsets me that i'm not acknowledged. SORRY FOR BEING ALIVE CONDOMS WORK.
2.) They say they get 'no help' around the house.. well let's see... my mom-- deserves as much help as she can get. She works two jobs and goes to school part time. My dad yeah he works all day too. I go to school and come home for about 20 minutes, go to work and usually don't get home till 5:30. My brother, he comes home.. watches tv, plays video games... does everything but his homework. Then dad gets home, I'M NOT HOME AT 3:30-- and finds that he has to empty the dishwasher. Heaven forbid he take 10 minutes out of his day. SORRY DAD I WORK TOO. talk to your lazy ass son. So naturally, i get home and he's pissed off *SEE ABOVE: #1*
3.) Mom gets home.. dads pissed off cooking dinner burning shit, blaming us that we don't help. Mom tells him he is whining like a child. Thats because.. well HE IS. And so they fight.. ALL NIGHT. blah blah blah
"You're daughters a fucking liar"
"You're being an ass, hunny"
"Why don't you believe me, she's lying thru her teeth, she came in starting trouble"
"Why would she make this up.. she wouldn't.. plus you're in a terrible mood so what would make me think you were fine before...is it me? am i the problem? as soon as i get home this happens everynight"
j flk ajsldfbvnbnz,jfljg fnkdmf hsljdflkjlfj
I don't even understand sometimes. I want to scream back at him. I want to ask him what the fuck his problem is. I want to know why the fuck he hates me so much. Why is everything my fault? If i do something, it's wrong. If i don't do something, i shouldn't have. If i did something, it wasn't good enough. I'm lazy. I don't try hard enough. I'm self absorbed. I'm never going to get into a good college if i don't pull my grades up. I'm a bitch. I don't care about anyone or anything but myself. I hate them... haha imagine that. I never spend time with the family. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I??!!
I guess A's and B's my whole life isn't good enough. I've never even gotten below an 80 on a report card. I don't even know what he expects of me. I never do anything right. EVER.
For everyone who wonders why i am the way i am-- this is why. Why i hate myself, why i have such low self-esteem-- why i'm sarcastic. Sometimes i just need to be a bitch to get it out of my system. I'm a bitch to a lot of people, and a lot of them probably don't deserve it. I have low self esteem. I'm paranoid... I NEED people to be there for me.. not only do i want people i need them.. if i didn't have some of my friends i'm sure i wouldn't be as *stable* as i am... Back in the day i didn't have a stable support system. If you go down a few entries, you'll see a self-hating entry. Thats from that time period. I have no confidence because in my life i've never had the incentive to get any. Why be confident when everything you do is wrong? Why even try when everything you do pisses off your own father.
I'm sorry i'm me.. i'm sorry i'm the way i am.. i'm sorry i'm a terrible student. I'm sorry i'm a bitch.. i'm sorry i'm lazy..i'm sorry i'm a liar... i'm sorry i treat you with contempt.. I'm sorry i'm not perfect.. and i'm really sorry you dislike me so much.
I honestly don't even know what to do. I've been here before, i've asked to see a shrink.. i've asked him why he hates me, i've confronted him. Maybe I ruined his life-- i wouldn't doubt it. He sure makes it obvious enough. After the confrontation-- i'd say sometime during freshman year-- it eased. We talked... a few times a week. And by talk it was 'oh so i heard about that governer who stole money what are your thoughts' ( gotta keep to politics or i'll be the subject for some reason or another)
I just want to be done. I want to be done with high school. I want to be done with all the drama that goes on there. I want to be done with all the drama that goes on here.. I want to be done with being the subject of every argument my dad starts. I want to be done being accused. I want to be done with the name calling. I just want to be done.
1.) everyday when i get home my brother and my dad are sitting in the living room watching tv. I walk in, say hello, obviously because they're my FAMILY. My dad doesn't look up. We all know he has more important things to be doing than to acknowledge his daughter. Oh and my brother wouldn't even be watching tv with dad if his computer wasn't broken. Let's just say I hear my dad yelling about me. I'm a liar, I'm a bitch-- because i expect him to maybe say hello when i walk in-- what an unfair expectation. Evidentally, I'm lying that he is an asshole. He's irritable because he hates his job, he is anemic so he's automatically exausted, he hates me ( i know that much ) and basically has let us all know how much he hates his life. God forbid my mother back me up. Yeah, it's true-- sometimes i'm a bitch.. but i'm not fucking lying when i say it upsets me that i'm not acknowledged. SORRY FOR BEING ALIVE CONDOMS WORK.
2.) They say they get 'no help' around the house.. well let's see... my mom-- deserves as much help as she can get. She works two jobs and goes to school part time. My dad yeah he works all day too. I go to school and come home for about 20 minutes, go to work and usually don't get home till 5:30. My brother, he comes home.. watches tv, plays video games... does everything but his homework. Then dad gets home, I'M NOT HOME AT 3:30-- and finds that he has to empty the dishwasher. Heaven forbid he take 10 minutes out of his day. SORRY DAD I WORK TOO. talk to your lazy ass son. So naturally, i get home and he's pissed off *SEE ABOVE: #1*
3.) Mom gets home.. dads pissed off cooking dinner burning shit, blaming us that we don't help. Mom tells him he is whining like a child. Thats because.. well HE IS. And so they fight.. ALL NIGHT. blah blah blah
"You're daughters a fucking liar"
"You're being an ass, hunny"
"Why don't you believe me, she's lying thru her teeth, she came in starting trouble"
"Why would she make this up.. she wouldn't.. plus you're in a terrible mood so what would make me think you were fine before...is it me? am i the problem? as soon as i get home this happens everynight"
j flk ajsldfbvnbnz,jfljg fnkdmf hsljdflkjlfj
I don't even understand sometimes. I want to scream back at him. I want to ask him what the fuck his problem is. I want to know why the fuck he hates me so much. Why is everything my fault? If i do something, it's wrong. If i don't do something, i shouldn't have. If i did something, it wasn't good enough. I'm lazy. I don't try hard enough. I'm self absorbed. I'm never going to get into a good college if i don't pull my grades up. I'm a bitch. I don't care about anyone or anything but myself. I hate them... haha imagine that. I never spend time with the family. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I??!!
I guess A's and B's my whole life isn't good enough. I've never even gotten below an 80 on a report card. I don't even know what he expects of me. I never do anything right. EVER.
For everyone who wonders why i am the way i am-- this is why. Why i hate myself, why i have such low self-esteem-- why i'm sarcastic. Sometimes i just need to be a bitch to get it out of my system. I'm a bitch to a lot of people, and a lot of them probably don't deserve it. I have low self esteem. I'm paranoid... I NEED people to be there for me.. not only do i want people i need them.. if i didn't have some of my friends i'm sure i wouldn't be as *stable* as i am... Back in the day i didn't have a stable support system. If you go down a few entries, you'll see a self-hating entry. Thats from that time period. I have no confidence because in my life i've never had the incentive to get any. Why be confident when everything you do is wrong? Why even try when everything you do pisses off your own father.
I'm sorry i'm me.. i'm sorry i'm the way i am.. i'm sorry i'm a terrible student. I'm sorry i'm a bitch.. i'm sorry i'm lazy..i'm sorry i'm a liar... i'm sorry i treat you with contempt.. I'm sorry i'm not perfect.. and i'm really sorry you dislike me so much.
I honestly don't even know what to do. I've been here before, i've asked to see a shrink.. i've asked him why he hates me, i've confronted him. Maybe I ruined his life-- i wouldn't doubt it. He sure makes it obvious enough. After the confrontation-- i'd say sometime during freshman year-- it eased. We talked... a few times a week. And by talk it was 'oh so i heard about that governer who stole money what are your thoughts' ( gotta keep to politics or i'll be the subject for some reason or another)
I just want to be done. I want to be done with high school. I want to be done with all the drama that goes on there. I want to be done with all the drama that goes on here.. I want to be done with being the subject of every argument my dad starts. I want to be done being accused. I want to be done with the name calling. I just want to be done.