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ya wanna know whats gay about parents? when you've had a sucky ass day at school and yer dad gets home from havin a oh so lovely time of golfing and he's getting dressed for a baylor game to join his great wonderful christian friends there...im just minding my own fucking business playing a video game and he asks me why i havnt started homework and i have an ipc review i should be working on when we havnt even gone over half the shit in class. so im just sittin here..being bitching at like a mother and its almost funny how worked up he's getting...but its just like..im so used to getting bitched at by him..i dont even wanna argue i just tell him how i feel and it gets him even more worked up. OH WAH ya know..if he was even home half the fucking time he might see me studying sometimes. and like i cant explain the whole situation from my point of view or his. but yes i know he cares about me and wants me to do good in school and my future to be good..but if he honestly cared about me he wouldnt bitch at me all the gd time about GRADES! when thats not what is wrong with me AT ALL..he has no clue..neither does my mom..i mean yeah she saw that i cut myself last week..but she doesnt know why and when i have done it before. sure i can tell her why..but she'll never feel it like i do. and no im not saying i have it soooo bad and oh poor brooke lets feel sorry for her and sympathize..gawd no. i dont want that at all..its just..i cant even explain it. i just cant help but be sad all the time..tears just wont stop streaming out my eyes..sometimes i dont even know why i cry really. but anyways after he left the house finally..i just shut my game off really pissed..took my dinner and milk and went and sat in my bath tub with my headphones on and my food and started crying..he just makes me sooo mad and i just wish..that they'd like automatically understand me without asking me 150 freakin questions..why cant they just understand me..i really dont get why everything has to have a reason and why i fail has to do with my games and friends and oooo bad influences..ya know what..im happy with my friends so kiss my ass. all i'd like to do right now is actually be able to see all my friends..thats all i want..i dont need a phone..i dont need money..i just wanna fucking hang out with them..is that too much to ask for? honestly?! nooo lets wait til the end of the 6 weeks..blah blah blah..grades..and god and christians! i care about god alot..believe me..but let me be a teenager and make my own mistakes..the consequences will be mine and mine only..sooo when i was eating my dinner in the bath tub i was listening to goo goo dolls and their song "iris" it gets me every time..the only person it makes me think of is him..like i really dont want to have feelings for him at all..i just wanna be best friends with him..but i know he doesnt even consider me that..even tho he said he did once..we never even did anything but kiss (not even!!)..how can you love someone when you barely know em for who they really are..it doesnt make sense to me. i just..im ready to be over him..and i cant. it shouldnt be this hard to let go someone who shouldnt even mean that much to you..especially when they feel like 20 times less than how you feel about them. ITS MESSED UP I TELL YA!!