(no subject)
I had another dream about you...
I think starting Monday it's time to go along with that plan. The whole eat right, exercise, normal sleeping pattern plan. Ok, how many times have I tried that before? Like a million times and it never works out. Well, the past 3 months have proved to me that this isn't going to just go away with a certain amount of time. I need to work harder in order to change.
I want people to see I'm changing. But certain people will always see me as being who I used to be because nobody wants to accept the fact that people change. You know? And so far I've tried very hard to change certain behaviors and personality traits, but things I have done for years and years can't just change overnight. I wish certain people would forget and forgive because I can't go back in time and take back the things I've done and said. I've made huge mistakes, I've said things I don't mean, I've lied and lied and lied and lied, and I'm sorry. But for the past few months I've been seeing a therapist and practicing CBT. I have ruined relationships. I've taken a beautiful picture perfect relationship and slowly ripped it into tiny pieces that I will never be able to put back together. I pushed the one person that I've ever truly needed away from me and he's never coming back to me, and I know this. And this is not something I will forget about overnight. I know I'm hurting people by confessing these things and I wish there was a way I could say how I feel without hurting anybody but there isn't, and I'm sorry. I'm human and I wish I could just let my past go but I cant right now.
I don't know how I feel about much of anything right now. I'm very confused. Everything that sounded so right a month ago now sound and feel so wrong. I hate this. I hate being so confused and bringing down other people with me. It isn't fair but it also isn't fair for me to sit here and pretend like everything is okay when it's not.
I feel terrible. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but I'm still walking through the dark. There are no answers yet. I'm heart broken, I'm jealous, I'm anxious, I'm lost, I'm confused, I'm disappointed, I'm disconnected, and most of all, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's just so hard when I hear that people are still talking shit about me.
It's just so hard that you have emotionally moved on and I haven't.
It's just so hard because you're in so much pain and I don't know what to do for you anymore.
It's just so hard because every single day is a mental battle that I have to get through.
It's just so hard because I haven't had a good day in over 3 months.
It's just so hard because you are a wonderful person and I'm probably going to end up breaking your heart.
It's just so hard because I wish I could have been better for you, looked better for you, done better for you, and I know you never cared about these things but I was so convinced that you did.
How did I end up here? I'm waking up from a fucking nightmare. I've endured more pain that I could ever put into words and I hear that people think I'm making it up for attention? Jesus Christ. Do you know how many nights I wanted to fucking die because I was trapped inside of my fucking head? Do you know what it feels like to wake up every single morning knowing that it's just another day you're going to have to go through? Do you know what it's like to think completely irrational and paranoid thoughts every single second of every single day? It fucking kills me that ANYBODY would even accuse me of making up a fucking disorder as a means of getting attention. You have no clue what I've gone through. You have no idea what it feels like so don't even say you do. I used to love life, I used to think the world was so beautiful, I used to be excited to start a new day, and maybe I had problems then, maybe I lied, maybe I was insecure, maybe I was a manipulative bitch, but at least I fucking liked being alive. You cant honestly look at me now and tell me I'm the same person who I used to be. You can't honestly think this is all made up when I've spent 3 and a half months now hating life.
I'm sorry, you know? I'm sorry about the past and everything I ever did wrong. I'm sorry for the lies, for the back stabbing and the shit talking. I'm sorry for every single time I hurt somebody or turned somebody against me.
you don't have to like me, you don't have to be friends with me, you don't have to respect me or stand up for me, but will you please forgive me for the things I have done wrong and believe me that I'm trying so hard to change. that's all I will ever ask for.
I think starting Monday it's time to go along with that plan. The whole eat right, exercise, normal sleeping pattern plan. Ok, how many times have I tried that before? Like a million times and it never works out. Well, the past 3 months have proved to me that this isn't going to just go away with a certain amount of time. I need to work harder in order to change.
I want people to see I'm changing. But certain people will always see me as being who I used to be because nobody wants to accept the fact that people change. You know? And so far I've tried very hard to change certain behaviors and personality traits, but things I have done for years and years can't just change overnight. I wish certain people would forget and forgive because I can't go back in time and take back the things I've done and said. I've made huge mistakes, I've said things I don't mean, I've lied and lied and lied and lied, and I'm sorry. But for the past few months I've been seeing a therapist and practicing CBT. I have ruined relationships. I've taken a beautiful picture perfect relationship and slowly ripped it into tiny pieces that I will never be able to put back together. I pushed the one person that I've ever truly needed away from me and he's never coming back to me, and I know this. And this is not something I will forget about overnight. I know I'm hurting people by confessing these things and I wish there was a way I could say how I feel without hurting anybody but there isn't, and I'm sorry. I'm human and I wish I could just let my past go but I cant right now.
I don't know how I feel about much of anything right now. I'm very confused. Everything that sounded so right a month ago now sound and feel so wrong. I hate this. I hate being so confused and bringing down other people with me. It isn't fair but it also isn't fair for me to sit here and pretend like everything is okay when it's not.
I feel terrible. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but I'm still walking through the dark. There are no answers yet. I'm heart broken, I'm jealous, I'm anxious, I'm lost, I'm confused, I'm disappointed, I'm disconnected, and most of all, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's just so hard when I hear that people are still talking shit about me.
It's just so hard that you have emotionally moved on and I haven't.
It's just so hard because you're in so much pain and I don't know what to do for you anymore.
It's just so hard because every single day is a mental battle that I have to get through.
It's just so hard because I haven't had a good day in over 3 months.
It's just so hard because you are a wonderful person and I'm probably going to end up breaking your heart.
It's just so hard because I wish I could have been better for you, looked better for you, done better for you, and I know you never cared about these things but I was so convinced that you did.
How did I end up here? I'm waking up from a fucking nightmare. I've endured more pain that I could ever put into words and I hear that people think I'm making it up for attention? Jesus Christ. Do you know how many nights I wanted to fucking die because I was trapped inside of my fucking head? Do you know what it feels like to wake up every single morning knowing that it's just another day you're going to have to go through? Do you know what it's like to think completely irrational and paranoid thoughts every single second of every single day? It fucking kills me that ANYBODY would even accuse me of making up a fucking disorder as a means of getting attention. You have no clue what I've gone through. You have no idea what it feels like so don't even say you do. I used to love life, I used to think the world was so beautiful, I used to be excited to start a new day, and maybe I had problems then, maybe I lied, maybe I was insecure, maybe I was a manipulative bitch, but at least I fucking liked being alive. You cant honestly look at me now and tell me I'm the same person who I used to be. You can't honestly think this is all made up when I've spent 3 and a half months now hating life.
I'm sorry, you know? I'm sorry about the past and everything I ever did wrong. I'm sorry for the lies, for the back stabbing and the shit talking. I'm sorry for every single time I hurt somebody or turned somebody against me.
you don't have to like me, you don't have to be friends with me, you don't have to respect me or stand up for me, but will you please forgive me for the things I have done wrong and believe me that I'm trying so hard to change. that's all I will ever ask for.