the book i am reading
okay, i am not into the whole reading thing, i am when it concerns me or whatever but i rarely do it. i like reading chicken soup books and that's about it. but this one book is called "controlling people" and i picked it up so hopefully it'll teach me and make me understand more how i can get out of being a controlling girlfriend. For the first few months of our relationship i did not see it, it was subconciously, i feel so bad for that but i didn't see it. on the back of the book it has this and at least 4 of them are me:
"Always needs to be right
Tells you who you are and what you think
Implies that you're wrong or inadequate when you dont agree
Is threatened by people who are "different"
Feels attacked when questioned
Doesn't seem to really hear or see you"
here are some things in my book i'd like to share so far
"ignorance does not justify oppression. It only makes it possible"
"no one noticed it because i was nice and kind to our friends. But when no one was around, i got very irrational and angry. Knowing how i acted, that i sounded crazy. I want to understand myself. I was always willing to get help for any problem in our relationship, but i never knew what the problem was. I feel terrible that i did these things. This is what i recall at the moment though I'm sure that there were lots more.
I gave her the silent treatment and left her alone and isolated.
I would act cold and aloof and then, when she asked what was wrong, i would act all cold and say "nothings wrong".
Sometimes i'd just drive off and not tell her when she looked forward to an evening at home.
I cut down her friends.
When she asked me a question i'd get angry.
I started telling her she was abnormal.
I told her i was alot better off before i married her.
I told her she didn't know what she was doing.
When i realized what i was doing, i cried alot. I want to understand."
Except for the marriage part and calling my girlfriend abnormal, i am practically all of that, i need to stop it. I love her and dont want to hurt our relationship, especially her. I knew i was controlling and pocessive but could not fully understand it. All i knew was that we needed a break from each other. before we thought it was because I am a step ahead of her and she has to prioritize and take time to grasp that she is going to be an adult, but instead, it's me who has to change and settle down. I didn't know it was possible, thought it was just me. But i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep my girl, so everynight i am reading and reading. And trying my best. Even without going on a break since she's busy. Wish me luck!
"People can be beside themselves for any number of reasons, including an overriding feeling of pain, urgency or loss"