full hearts and eyes
How should I put it? After the accident I was involved in during 12th grade, I distanced myself from some relatives because I felt that they didn't care, didn't care enough about whether I was alive or dead to at least give me a phone call asking how I was. One of those was an older cousin...I had always felt that he and I used to be close, so after the accident, I ended up feeling angry, hurt...betrayed. I really distanced myself from him and we didn't talk much or meet up. He got married and was busy with his life. I had college and other things along with physical distance as a convenient excuse. And somewhere along the way, I was able to become indifferent about whether he cared or not and I stopped feeling angry, but I also never made a move to become closer to him again.
Today, I went out with my family to where he lived to celebrate his daughter's third birthday. I haven't thought about him at all in the last two years, so I didn't expect that when I saw him again, I would suddenly be filled with so much nostalgia...and also happiness just to see him. He said something about it being good to see us again and it felt sincere and I returned the comment. And later when we were in his house preparing to leave, there was this awkward moment when he and I were left alone (everyone else was somewhere using the restroom, etc). He tried to make small talk by bringing up an odd/humorous comment one of his professors once made, and it wasn't that funny really, but I just sat there, truly looked at him for the first time in years, and laughed...I think he was initially surprised at my reaction but soon, we ended up both laughing comfortably like old times...if it was a fanfic, I would say that my eyes shined while we smiled at each other -___- lol.
Okay, I know it sounds dumb. But my point is, at that moment, I felt like I finally let something that has been buried within me for years off my chest. At that moment, I knew I had forgiven him a long time ago and that whether or not he cared enough to call after that accident really doesn't matter to me because nothing and no one in this world is perfect and I'm content just knowing that I care about him, that we have a working cousin relationship, that we used to have a lot of fun together and made good memories. Whether he feels the same way, whether he cares at all, whether he cares the way I wanted him to care...looking at it from the current me, older and less idealistic, it just doesn't matter that much in the big picture.
Tonight, however, I feel like we both remembered, reminisced on the past, and cared. I remembered how when I was still maybe 5 or 6, we'd pretend to fight like the people in Chinese dramas from ancient eras or like the the people from video games and we'd both make these weird hand gestures as if it'd change the flow of the air and then we would mock fight and as always, he'd easily lift me off the ground and dump me on the couch. lol. I remembered how he gave me the bag of small LEGO pieces and how my childhood was spent playing with those. I remembered how everyone thought making homemade cards was silly and it was for little kids to make for adults, but he, as someone in his twenties, made me, a young teenager, a card for Christmas on the computer which he typed up, printed, and folded twice.
I realized that I still loved him for all the memories he'd given me during my childhood and that time had finally let me forgive and let go. Because of that, my heart felt full when we left his place, and I genuinely felt so happy to see him with his wife who has a personality that matches his perfectly and with a daughter who'd cutely run after him as he walked. I truly felt happy to see the type of happiness he's been able to find. I don't know how to make this sound less cheesy...but really, I'm blown away by how happy I feel for him tonight. I'm also relieved that I no longer have that heavy burden hidden away deep inside.
Today, I went out with my family to where he lived to celebrate his daughter's third birthday. I haven't thought about him at all in the last two years, so I didn't expect that when I saw him again, I would suddenly be filled with so much nostalgia...and also happiness just to see him. He said something about it being good to see us again and it felt sincere and I returned the comment. And later when we were in his house preparing to leave, there was this awkward moment when he and I were left alone (everyone else was somewhere using the restroom, etc). He tried to make small talk by bringing up an odd/humorous comment one of his professors once made, and it wasn't that funny really, but I just sat there, truly looked at him for the first time in years, and laughed...I think he was initially surprised at my reaction but soon, we ended up both laughing comfortably like old times...if it was a fanfic, I would say that my eyes shined while we smiled at each other -___- lol.
Okay, I know it sounds dumb. But my point is, at that moment, I felt like I finally let something that has been buried within me for years off my chest. At that moment, I knew I had forgiven him a long time ago and that whether or not he cared enough to call after that accident really doesn't matter to me because nothing and no one in this world is perfect and I'm content just knowing that I care about him, that we have a working cousin relationship, that we used to have a lot of fun together and made good memories. Whether he feels the same way, whether he cares at all, whether he cares the way I wanted him to care...looking at it from the current me, older and less idealistic, it just doesn't matter that much in the big picture.
Tonight, however, I feel like we both remembered, reminisced on the past, and cared. I remembered how when I was still maybe 5 or 6, we'd pretend to fight like the people in Chinese dramas from ancient eras or like the the people from video games and we'd both make these weird hand gestures as if it'd change the flow of the air and then we would mock fight and as always, he'd easily lift me off the ground and dump me on the couch. lol. I remembered how he gave me the bag of small LEGO pieces and how my childhood was spent playing with those. I remembered how everyone thought making homemade cards was silly and it was for little kids to make for adults, but he, as someone in his twenties, made me, a young teenager, a card for Christmas on the computer which he typed up, printed, and folded twice.
I realized that I still loved him for all the memories he'd given me during my childhood and that time had finally let me forgive and let go. Because of that, my heart felt full when we left his place, and I genuinely felt so happy to see him with his wife who has a personality that matches his perfectly and with a daughter who'd cutely run after him as he walked. I truly felt happy to see the type of happiness he's been able to find. I don't know how to make this sound less cheesy...but really, I'm blown away by how happy I feel for him tonight. I'm also relieved that I no longer have that heavy burden hidden away deep inside.