(no subject)
Last year near my birthday, between my dad's surgery and being busy with work while feeling perpetually lonely, I think I reached a peak in my depression. I don't think anyone noticed. And people asked me why I deactivated my facebook, but none of them really wanted to care too much or take it seriously that I could be depressed/sad, so they brushed it off lightly as me being antisocial and making too much of the most trivial of conflicts with people on facebook. (But there was no conflict. Only an unconscious I'm-not-close-enough-with-you-to-want-to-know-about/deal-with-your-real-feelings.)
I was also tired of all the extended family members that were supposed to be "close" with me but that judged me heavily. (Have you ever thought about how maybe it's not that I'm never serious? That maybe I don't discuss politics or anything serious with you such as homosexuality because I know we'll never agree and I think you're too naive and have experienced too little, but I care about you and our relationship enough that I don't want to ruin it with-- /sigh)
Deactivating myself from facebook. Keeping myself grounded in real life, work, co-workers, and the few real-life friends, and a few twitter people that I like and respect really helped me to get away from all that unhappiness. (Twitter friends that taught me about a second breath of air and what it means to live.) For the first time in years, I started to feel happy, something I'd thought I would never truly feel again in that tunnel of darkness at the time.
Fast forward to my birthday this year. Nothing really changed other than my feelings inside me--feeling happier and more comfortable with who I am. There were still the same judging insinuations and remarks made by extended family members. I think I'm going to let it go--let the relationships go that is and accept that sometimes, people change and relationships may never be able to be the same again. I have feelings too after all, and I feel like those people feel too entitled, take it too much for granted that either I'm dumb enough to continue smiling and not realize the insinuating remarks that they make to my face or that I'm okay with their opposite morals/values/beliefs and the things they say to me just because they're family. But no, it's not ok to me when I'm the only one trying to make the relationship work, the only who who cares and puts the relationship above whatever morals/values/beliefs. So goodbye until you care again?
I'm going to work harder and surprise you... :)
I was also tired of all the extended family members that were supposed to be "close" with me but that judged me heavily. (Have you ever thought about how maybe it's not that I'm never serious? That maybe I don't discuss politics or anything serious with you such as homosexuality because I know we'll never agree and I think you're too naive and have experienced too little, but I care about you and our relationship enough that I don't want to ruin it with-- /sigh)
Deactivating myself from facebook. Keeping myself grounded in real life, work, co-workers, and the few real-life friends, and a few twitter people that I like and respect really helped me to get away from all that unhappiness. (Twitter friends that taught me about a second breath of air and what it means to live.) For the first time in years, I started to feel happy, something I'd thought I would never truly feel again in that tunnel of darkness at the time.
Fast forward to my birthday this year. Nothing really changed other than my feelings inside me--feeling happier and more comfortable with who I am. There were still the same judging insinuations and remarks made by extended family members. I think I'm going to let it go--let the relationships go that is and accept that sometimes, people change and relationships may never be able to be the same again. I have feelings too after all, and I feel like those people feel too entitled, take it too much for granted that either I'm dumb enough to continue smiling and not realize the insinuating remarks that they make to my face or that I'm okay with their opposite morals/values/beliefs and the things they say to me just because they're family. But no, it's not ok to me when I'm the only one trying to make the relationship work, the only who who cares and puts the relationship above whatever morals/values/beliefs. So goodbye until you care again?
I'm going to work harder and surprise you... :)