i'm greatful for the panic attacks, and pain i have experienced.
i see my panic attacks as a reminder. that right now.. deep down i do not want to die yet.
because my panic attacks reinstall so much fear into me.
although the fear might not be genuine.
it reminds me that i am wrong.
sometimes it's too easy to fall back into habbits, at the slightest reminder of what caused you to fall to it in the first place. wanting to die. at alot of points i have genuinely wanted to die, but now i have a fear of death. i believe this is because right now i do not want to die. deep down. but when i am down.. because i have felt like this so muich.. it's all too easy to just jump right into thinking i want to die.
this is when my panic attacks start. maybe.. because i'm depressed, and it causes anxiety.
or maybe.. as something reminding me of my true feelings at that time. that.. this is not like before, i have changed. and grown.
i do not want to die right now.
having panic attacks.. has bought so much beauty into my life. so much appreciation.
and faith. in myself. in life.
even in the form of.. things i find in shops.. when i'm browsing to calm myself down.
or on my way back from hospital, we need to stop and walk because i can't breathe..
it could be something i've been looking for for many years! and suddenly.. there it is.. in this shop.. right before me. and this happens with many things.
it's brought me closer to myself. closer to this thing that i feel like is teaching me lessons, putting me straight somehow when i'm in the wrong, and supporting me.
this could be my subconcious.. a way for me to look after myself, indirectly.. with the things i feel unknowingly and deep down.
even saying this. takes alot. for some reason i feel 'too proud' for lack of a better phrase. as though i'm showing some sort of weakness.
but i feel honesty will make me a stronger, better person.
when i wanted to die so badly.. to escape.. and because i couldn't bare living without everyone who had died.. and a certain boy who had left.
i tried and tried but every time i realised.. what if he comes back? what if he needs me and i'm not here?
i have never experienced this before.
this was lee.
not daisy.. or my family.. or even.. my own daughter margery. i regret that it wasn't them aswell. but it means something.
sometimes.. things that're obviously precious to you are easily over looked.. this is why lee stopped me instead.
i didn't obviously love him. like i did/do the others.
and i was right. he's back. and now i realise he did not leave me.. but it was infact me.. i broke his heart, i hurt him so badly that he is terrified to let me or anyone else close to him ever again.
it's so sad. i'm so sad.. because i hurt the one person who i really genuinely love. with all of my heart. my love for him, was greater than my need and sincere wish to die.
i stuck to it.. i lived. for the sake of a very very unlikely and painful 'what if' ..
that's the only way i can begin an attempt to describe how much he means to me.
if i hadn't had this what if.. at the time i genuinely wanted to die.. i would have never experienced in my life
for the first time in my life wanting to live.
because i have been suicidal since a very young age.
realising this. experiencing it, changed me.
i'm greatful for all of it.
this is why.. certain people who are trying to make me kill myself.
will never succeed. even if they took this person away from me, which ofcourse i doubt they could..
and i feel sorry for them that they spend so much time on something so pointless and negative.
this post wont be up publically for long.
because my panic attacks reinstall so much fear into me.
although the fear might not be genuine.
it reminds me that i am wrong.
sometimes it's too easy to fall back into habbits, at the slightest reminder of what caused you to fall to it in the first place. wanting to die. at alot of points i have genuinely wanted to die, but now i have a fear of death. i believe this is because right now i do not want to die. deep down. but when i am down.. because i have felt like this so muich.. it's all too easy to just jump right into thinking i want to die.
this is when my panic attacks start. maybe.. because i'm depressed, and it causes anxiety.
or maybe.. as something reminding me of my true feelings at that time. that.. this is not like before, i have changed. and grown.
i do not want to die right now.
having panic attacks.. has bought so much beauty into my life. so much appreciation.
and faith. in myself. in life.
even in the form of.. things i find in shops.. when i'm browsing to calm myself down.
or on my way back from hospital, we need to stop and walk because i can't breathe..
it could be something i've been looking for for many years! and suddenly.. there it is.. in this shop.. right before me. and this happens with many things.
it's brought me closer to myself. closer to this thing that i feel like is teaching me lessons, putting me straight somehow when i'm in the wrong, and supporting me.
this could be my subconcious.. a way for me to look after myself, indirectly.. with the things i feel unknowingly and deep down.
even saying this. takes alot. for some reason i feel 'too proud' for lack of a better phrase. as though i'm showing some sort of weakness.
but i feel honesty will make me a stronger, better person.
when i wanted to die so badly.. to escape.. and because i couldn't bare living without everyone who had died.. and a certain boy who had left.
i tried and tried but every time i realised.. what if he comes back? what if he needs me and i'm not here?
i have never experienced this before.
this was lee.
not daisy.. or my family.. or even.. my own daughter margery. i regret that it wasn't them aswell. but it means something.
sometimes.. things that're obviously precious to you are easily over looked.. this is why lee stopped me instead.
i didn't obviously love him. like i did/do the others.
and i was right. he's back. and now i realise he did not leave me.. but it was infact me.. i broke his heart, i hurt him so badly that he is terrified to let me or anyone else close to him ever again.
it's so sad. i'm so sad.. because i hurt the one person who i really genuinely love. with all of my heart. my love for him, was greater than my need and sincere wish to die.
i stuck to it.. i lived. for the sake of a very very unlikely and painful 'what if' ..
that's the only way i can begin an attempt to describe how much he means to me.
if i hadn't had this what if.. at the time i genuinely wanted to die.. i would have never experienced in my life
for the first time in my life wanting to live.
because i have been suicidal since a very young age.
realising this. experiencing it, changed me.
i'm greatful for all of it.
this is why.. certain people who are trying to make me kill myself.
will never succeed. even if they took this person away from me, which ofcourse i doubt they could..
and i feel sorry for them that they spend so much time on something so pointless and negative.
this post wont be up publically for long.