(no subject)
its not that i don't like who you are. parts of who you are scare me. i'd like to trust you that you know what you're doing and that you aren't going to get addicted. but you CAN'T know. lots of drugs affect people in different ways so theres really no way of telling. and its not that i mind persay you trying other things... but i'm just worried you aren't being safe about it. that really hurt what you said about me abusing drugs. and i'm afraid we're just going to have to disagree because i thought and still think it was VERY irresponsible of you to get behind the wheel of the car when things kept moving and you had a hard time figuring out the lights and stuff like that. and i'm sorry that you would do it again. because i know you don't want to live you life by what MIGHT happen... but that really isn't fair to other people. because your judgement and reflexes were hindered, and there IS a chance you could have gotten into and accident, hit a dog or some other animal, or even a dumbass person. and personally i wouldn't be willing to take a risk like that. but you are... and neither of us is going to change the others opinion.
one reason how you're different is that we're no longer together, so you're obviously going to treat me differently. and i guess thats really just what it is. you don't seem as sweet or as nice to me some of the time, and its probably because you were so sweet and nice to me because we were going out. so there... you are the same person but treat me differently. and yes, you're always been interested in drugs, and its always kind of worried me. but it worries me more now because you're actually DOING them.
well... i KNEW who alice was. and i was comfortable with that. i liked myself okay and didn't think i needed to much fine tuneing. people keep telling me i need to figure out who alice is, but i already knew. the only reason i'm confused now is because part of who i am is gone now. and so things change when you aren't with someone anymore. i knew who alice with chris was. and i liked her for the most part. but now i do need to figure out who alice by herself is. and i guess thats what people have been wanting me to do all along. but i really don't see what the big deal is. and yes, it bothers me that you gave ryan MY alcohol without asking me, and yes, i hadn't been drinking it but when i was given the opportunity i would have liked to have been able to. but i couldnt' because you gave it away.
everyone judges people. its part of life. its stupid, but it is. and yes, currently i feel alone. laurie has too much already in her life for me to be crying to her. and rachel is busy all the time. owen and leah are on their honeymoon. my parents are off limits right now due to this fight... soooooo yeah. i feel pretty alone. and if you can think of people i'm overlooking. let me know. there are a few people that are more like aquantances, but its nearly impossible for me to confide in someone i don't really know and let all my true feelings show.
i'm sorry we can't be friends too. and honestly i don't know how i'm going to do it because so much of my life has depended on you being there for me and i don't know how to function without that person being there. i know you think ryan is attractive. thats fairly obvious. i'm sorry i want to kiss you. i hadn't realized how much it would hurt you because you always seem so over me. and i don't know how you can hang out with me and still not want to hold my hand, kiss me, cuuudle and act like we used to. because thats how i'm used to acting around you. and i don't know how to act any other way. i've tried to just NOT. but then it drives me crazy the whole time we're hanging out because i want to kiss you or hold your hand. and i'm sorry. but 3 months isn't enough time for me to be over you. i still love you not as much as i did when we first started dating, but close. pretty close.
i dont think it can be a one sided apology either from my dad.... and i don't kn ow if just an apology would make me feel better. but i can't think of anything that would. i have no idea what i'm going to say to him when we talk. and i wish this wasn't happening right now. when it rains it pours though. so why WOULDN'T i have to deal with everything in my life falling apart all at once?
i'm still not ready for school. i have no idea how i'm going to go. god i want to run away..... i do not have the capibility to separate professional and personal life. at least not with school. i can do it more at work.
i don't like it when you talk about ryan. but at the same time i like to be updated and know whats going on. you DID tell me about you dxm experience and i didn't say anything bad about it until you were explaining how out of it you still were when driving. thats all though. other than that i just basically said i was worried about the direction you're headed in. and i'm sorry that you feel like you have to walk on thin ice with me. that really makes me sad.
my feet aren't doing anything right now because i'm too upset. and i'm glad that you try to know me. its more effort than most people are willing ot make. i don't want to do the 'getting to know you' thing right now. so its very hard to make new friends.... because i don't feel like getting to know people right now.
sex is NOT greater than emotional attatment and thats not what i meant to say. i was just saying that you're very hot, i love your body, and i wish i could touch you. and the only reason i would wish away emotional attatchment is because then it would be possible. but in all reality, if there wasn't the love i have for you, i wouldn't want to touch you so much.
its hard for me to accept you. because accepting who you are now and the way you act now means that.... i'm accepting that we're over. i can't really think of anything else to say to what you said...
i don't think my mom is happy either. and i don't want to end up like her.... but... i can't explain it. you make me feel complete and there really isn't anything i know of to change that. other than time.
i don't like myself enough to love me that much. and even if i did. i could never love someone again like i loved you or even stephen. i just can't let people in that far.
no... i want you to know who you are. but... i can't argue. because if finding out who you are means not being with me... then... i can't argue.
if you had slept with her this wouldn't be an issue right now. because that would have broken my heart SO MUCH i couldn't have started talking to you again. i can't think about that. but i khnow i have to... because eventually you WILL start dating people. and you WILL do things with them. and i can't function if everythime something happens i need to throw up and curl into a ball and cry for a week. and right now, its not that i hate her. i hate that you want to do that with her. i hate that you dont' want to be with me. i hate that. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i hate that you have to find out what else is out there. i hate that about you. i didn't. i don't need to know who else is out there because i beleive i found the best one. and i wanted to spend my life with you. and i was HAPPY!!! H-A-P-P-Y. happy! i don't need to know who else is in the world... because i was satisfied with you. i felt there couldn't be anyone better. and it kills me that you need to do it. because it makes me feel like i wasn't good enough for you. and it makes me feel like i'm the one at fault. and it makes me feel like shit. i don't understand the need to see other people. i don't. i'm sorry. and it pains me greatly that i'm not the one you want to be with.
when i said you were second guessing i menat you were second guessing that you wanted to be with me. but as far as the other stuff goes, i've already stopped that. hence why we ate at zaxby's yesterday. and thank you very much for lunch/dinner. i never really thanked you for it.
i'm glad you didn't get pissed off. and neither did i. i was hurt.... a lot. and i cried... a little. and i wish i could cry more. because as of right now the pain is just bundled up inside me.
i still feel worthless...
and i know you aren't going to respond to this. only because you don't feel like putting in the effort. you might make a little response... but nothing in depth. i'm just going by what happened with the e-mails. so i won't be offended if you don't really say anything. i felt the need to. which is why i did.
you've been my best friend for over a year now too. and unfortunately i still care about you a lot as well. the reason i say unfortunatly is not because its a bad thing for you to be cared about... but becasue it means for me that i still am hurting.
one reason how you're different is that we're no longer together, so you're obviously going to treat me differently. and i guess thats really just what it is. you don't seem as sweet or as nice to me some of the time, and its probably because you were so sweet and nice to me because we were going out. so there... you are the same person but treat me differently. and yes, you're always been interested in drugs, and its always kind of worried me. but it worries me more now because you're actually DOING them.
well... i KNEW who alice was. and i was comfortable with that. i liked myself okay and didn't think i needed to much fine tuneing. people keep telling me i need to figure out who alice is, but i already knew. the only reason i'm confused now is because part of who i am is gone now. and so things change when you aren't with someone anymore. i knew who alice with chris was. and i liked her for the most part. but now i do need to figure out who alice by herself is. and i guess thats what people have been wanting me to do all along. but i really don't see what the big deal is. and yes, it bothers me that you gave ryan MY alcohol without asking me, and yes, i hadn't been drinking it but when i was given the opportunity i would have liked to have been able to. but i couldnt' because you gave it away.
everyone judges people. its part of life. its stupid, but it is. and yes, currently i feel alone. laurie has too much already in her life for me to be crying to her. and rachel is busy all the time. owen and leah are on their honeymoon. my parents are off limits right now due to this fight... soooooo yeah. i feel pretty alone. and if you can think of people i'm overlooking. let me know. there are a few people that are more like aquantances, but its nearly impossible for me to confide in someone i don't really know and let all my true feelings show.
i'm sorry we can't be friends too. and honestly i don't know how i'm going to do it because so much of my life has depended on you being there for me and i don't know how to function without that person being there. i know you think ryan is attractive. thats fairly obvious. i'm sorry i want to kiss you. i hadn't realized how much it would hurt you because you always seem so over me. and i don't know how you can hang out with me and still not want to hold my hand, kiss me, cuuudle and act like we used to. because thats how i'm used to acting around you. and i don't know how to act any other way. i've tried to just NOT. but then it drives me crazy the whole time we're hanging out because i want to kiss you or hold your hand. and i'm sorry. but 3 months isn't enough time for me to be over you. i still love you not as much as i did when we first started dating, but close. pretty close.
i dont think it can be a one sided apology either from my dad.... and i don't kn ow if just an apology would make me feel better. but i can't think of anything that would. i have no idea what i'm going to say to him when we talk. and i wish this wasn't happening right now. when it rains it pours though. so why WOULDN'T i have to deal with everything in my life falling apart all at once?
i'm still not ready for school. i have no idea how i'm going to go. god i want to run away..... i do not have the capibility to separate professional and personal life. at least not with school. i can do it more at work.
i don't like it when you talk about ryan. but at the same time i like to be updated and know whats going on. you DID tell me about you dxm experience and i didn't say anything bad about it until you were explaining how out of it you still were when driving. thats all though. other than that i just basically said i was worried about the direction you're headed in. and i'm sorry that you feel like you have to walk on thin ice with me. that really makes me sad.
my feet aren't doing anything right now because i'm too upset. and i'm glad that you try to know me. its more effort than most people are willing ot make. i don't want to do the 'getting to know you' thing right now. so its very hard to make new friends.... because i don't feel like getting to know people right now.
sex is NOT greater than emotional attatment and thats not what i meant to say. i was just saying that you're very hot, i love your body, and i wish i could touch you. and the only reason i would wish away emotional attatchment is because then it would be possible. but in all reality, if there wasn't the love i have for you, i wouldn't want to touch you so much.
its hard for me to accept you. because accepting who you are now and the way you act now means that.... i'm accepting that we're over. i can't really think of anything else to say to what you said...
i don't think my mom is happy either. and i don't want to end up like her.... but... i can't explain it. you make me feel complete and there really isn't anything i know of to change that. other than time.
i don't like myself enough to love me that much. and even if i did. i could never love someone again like i loved you or even stephen. i just can't let people in that far.
no... i want you to know who you are. but... i can't argue. because if finding out who you are means not being with me... then... i can't argue.
if you had slept with her this wouldn't be an issue right now. because that would have broken my heart SO MUCH i couldn't have started talking to you again. i can't think about that. but i khnow i have to... because eventually you WILL start dating people. and you WILL do things with them. and i can't function if everythime something happens i need to throw up and curl into a ball and cry for a week. and right now, its not that i hate her. i hate that you want to do that with her. i hate that you dont' want to be with me. i hate that. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i hate that you have to find out what else is out there. i hate that about you. i didn't. i don't need to know who else is out there because i beleive i found the best one. and i wanted to spend my life with you. and i was HAPPY!!! H-A-P-P-Y. happy! i don't need to know who else is in the world... because i was satisfied with you. i felt there couldn't be anyone better. and it kills me that you need to do it. because it makes me feel like i wasn't good enough for you. and it makes me feel like i'm the one at fault. and it makes me feel like shit. i don't understand the need to see other people. i don't. i'm sorry. and it pains me greatly that i'm not the one you want to be with.
when i said you were second guessing i menat you were second guessing that you wanted to be with me. but as far as the other stuff goes, i've already stopped that. hence why we ate at zaxby's yesterday. and thank you very much for lunch/dinner. i never really thanked you for it.
i'm glad you didn't get pissed off. and neither did i. i was hurt.... a lot. and i cried... a little. and i wish i could cry more. because as of right now the pain is just bundled up inside me.
i still feel worthless...
and i know you aren't going to respond to this. only because you don't feel like putting in the effort. you might make a little response... but nothing in depth. i'm just going by what happened with the e-mails. so i won't be offended if you don't really say anything. i felt the need to. which is why i did.
you've been my best friend for over a year now too. and unfortunately i still care about you a lot as well. the reason i say unfortunatly is not because its a bad thing for you to be cared about... but becasue it means for me that i still am hurting.