fanfiction- Keep Trying (johanna-centric)
Title: Keep Trying
Author: sofia666
Word count: 2, 509
Spoilers: for Mockingjay
Status: Complete
Warnings: pg-13 for swearing, mentions of sex, nothing too explicit.
I've got all these post-Mockingjay ideas for fics running through my head, but I remember being interested in a discussion here talking about Johanna and Annie after the end of the book. mainly Annie/Johanna. also mentions of Gale/Johanna, Annie/Finnick, and Finnick/Johanna.
so- SPOILERS for Mockingjay. I apologize for any punctuation/grammar mistakes.
Disclaimer: Suzanne Collins owns it- I'm just playing in her world.
There was something shocking about realizing after fighting for your survival and expecting to die... there was now apparently nothing more to fight. When the rain is falling/ I'll be there/ In those mad moments/ I'll be your friend
-
It's a little bit shocking that Johanna doesn't really know exactly how she comes to live near the ocean. Especially when you factor in her recent phobia of water (well, what the hell do you expect, anyway?). Still, Annie's house is surrounded by trees, and you can't actually see the ocean, and she only ever enters near enough to hear the (slightly comforting) eternal rhythm of the tide.
-
After the war, after the assassination of Coin and the start of the new and improved government, Johanna is at a loss. (She does puts two and two together- she's not stupid- and Katniss may have had a complete meltdown, but she's not insane and she was obviously after whoever was responsible for Prim's death) Annoyed by not quite realizing the extent of Coin's ruthlessness and the bad memories the Capitol always brings, Johanna leaves for District 2.
Although she misses the woods and the crisp smell of the forests, the clean air, there is nobody really left for her in District 7. Just a lot of memories, and the loneliness is strongest there, where once upon a time she was happy.
It just makes her want to hit something.
-
District 2 has trees, lots of them. There isn't too much she can really do here, but she does give some advice on the rebuilding of some of the destroyed buildings. (The last time she helped rebuild something was eight years ago, before the Games ever really touched her life, and she helped her father rebuild their damaged wood-house.)
It's a little funny that the people here are intimidated by her attitude (but who wouldn't be? Finnick wasn't). But the workers of District 2 are hardworking, and more concerned with their new-found freedom, and they mostly leave her be.
-
She can't help but let out a sarcastic laugh when she sees Gale Hawthorne.
You're a long way from home, boy.
Didn't he still have a family? Katniss? (oh, right, whatever Katniss and Gale once were, it is now over)
Gale looks... a little different. Still the same handsome face and burning grey eyes, but there was both a new hardness and sadness living on his face. It probably had something (everything) to do with what happened to Primrose Everdeen.
"Well, you're still looking gorgeous, aren't you? Hawthorne, why the hell are you here?" His eyes flicker to hers and he frowns slightly. Gale glowers briefly before looking away.
She smirks.
"I'm on a TV show here, it's a commentary on the new government, news around Panem, that kind of stuff", he still can't meet her eyes. Johanna considers the irony.
"Well, it's a long way from being an illegal game hunter in District 12. But I guess you can hunt here, too." He finally looks at her and his eyes say It's not the same.
"Come on," she snarks. She doesn't actually say it, but he understands that she's telling him that at least he has people left to care about, why exile yourself to District 2?
Though maybe there are are too many (recent, painful) memories for him there, too.
Gale seems to shake out of it, a little of the old attitude seeping back in. "What the fuck do you know about it, anyway?" And now Johanna is inwardly smiling, because there's something semi-attractive about this angry attitude, and it's something more than the exiled defeatist. and it's been a long time anyway she really got to rip into someone. (It's not like Enobaria counts.) and Hawthorne seems the type to be able to handle it.
-
After that first initial fight, Gale sits on a log and wipes away the blood. (If you ask Johanna, he was asking for it.) He raises an eyebrow at her, even though he's not really that angry (but there's something so alive about being able to get truly angry about anything). It all happens very fast from there.
He's pretty sure they're pressing searing kisses against each others mouths, like they're trying to brand that anger into each other. and Johanna is pulling him closer and at the same time raising scratches along his skin. Johanna presses his burning skin against hers, and rips off his shirt. What follows is hard, fast and desperate. She finds it deliciously rough and it succeeds in driving all those stupid thoughts from her head. Not that she'll let him know, but she knows he's finding this violent physical connection somewhat cathartic.
Afterwards, when they both recover their thought processes, he looks at her like he can't believe they just did that. She congratulates herself on a job well done.
She leaves him still naked in the forest, and doesn't bother putting on the torn clothes. It's not like her lack of clothing bothers her all that much, and the cool breeze does feel good.
-
Over the next month, this becomes a common ritual for them both. There's never all that much talking, but Johanna both knows they at least enjoy their shared misery- and that buried ruthlessness that's made them who they are. By the end of the month, one fact Johanna Mason does know about Gale Hawthorne: He won't go back because a large part of him can't forgive himself for the indirect role he played in Prim's death, though even more than that is the sense that at the time he designed those bombs he did what needed to be done because they had to win a war, dammit.
Maybe it's because she doesn't want to wait around to see him to get his life together and maybe meet a girl that can love him back, or because she doesn't want to develop any real attachment to him, but Johanna leaves the next month for District 4 and the only family Finnick Odair has left.
-
little known fact- Even though it's known that Finnick and her were good friends, it's not a well-known fact that once, at a time where Annie Cresta was still off in the deep end, Johanna and Finnick used to sleep together. It was all over a long time ago, but part of Johanna will never forget his real smile or the way they understood each other (those deaths they both directly and indirectly caused, how it feels to not even own your own body). Most of all, she remembers his own badly hidden heartache at what the Capitol had done to Annie. How it had once seemed that he'd never get any part of her back. Johanna still finds it hard to comprehend that he's gone forever.
She goes because she does still owe him, and maybe this person she can actually help. She leaves Gale a brief not- you can still fix it, in time, and they might miss you- J.
-
One truth about Annie Cresta- she wasn't as mad as she seemed after her own Games, but she wasn't exactly as sane as she could come across during her brief marriage to Finnick.
Annie Cresta's continued fight to keep a somewhat tenuous grip on her sanity was an ongoing one.
Since Finnick's death, (sometimes she doesn't let it sink it, just to keep the horror away), she really is all alone. There is no one to shake her out of those never-ending moments of reliving the Games, when that Careers cut of James' head and she felt something in her snap, and all the blood... Sometimes, it's not the Games she relives, but that time imprisoned in the Capitol- she will never forget the sound of Johanna or Peeta's screams, in that hellhole where death would have seemed a blessing.
It's not until she continues to vomit during consecutive mornings that she realises the truth- and it simultaneously gives her somethiing to live for while scaring her to the core. How is she, who can barely look after herself, who sometimes has fits and moments of madness, of complete craziness- how can she looks after her and Finnick's baby by herself? She can lose herself so easily. It seems to be an impossible undertaking.
Which is why she feels such huge relief when Johanna appears out of nowhere to casually inform her that she's thinking of staying awhile.
-
Annie's house isn't her old Victor's one. It's a small, somewhat cozy, pale yellow house a short walk from the beach. There's a sprawling garden and woody part in the area, which is a bit of a relief, even though the trees aren't the same.
Johanna met Annie Cresta for the first time when she first visited District 4, during her Victory Tour. Annie was nursing a full drink outside, staring emptily at some unseen event, and she violently twitched when she noticed Johanna. She had a brief lucid moment of saying how she liked the color of Johanna's dress, before some passing woman's laugh sent her into a spiral of panic and she promptly left the party.
Even if Annie isn't that insane woman she once was, she doesn't look too good either, Johanna notes. There are dark circles under those green eyes (Johanna one wondered whether living near the ocean changed the District 4 peoples' eyes, Finnick and Annie are the only people she ever met with that eyes the color of the sea). Annie's hair is a bit of a mess, and the thin scratches on her arms are probably from some too-vivid nightmare. She grips Johanna's hand like she's a little scared Johanna will disappear.
-
It's not until later, after Annie assures Johanna she can stay away from the beach and the water, that all of Annie's fears come tumbling out in mess. "I wake up in strange places, sometimes I get violent or hysterical, you know I go a crazy sometimes youknowthenightmares- I'm not fit to look after a baby by myself!"
Annie sinks to her ankles and hugs herself, as if trying to hold herself together.
It's a big strange- kind of comforting someone, it's not something Johanna's used to. but it turns out okay, and she awkwardly pats Annie on the back while injecting "It's a good thing I'll be around for the crazier times- I think Finnick would want me to stick around for a bit. So I'll stop you during the really bad times."
She looks Annie in the eye and that unspoken connection- the one only a Victor can really understand- occurs, and Annie is reminded that all of them are a little bit insane.
-
It's a few months later when Johanna gets a glimpse of the old (the real) Annie Cresta. Annie's making her way back from the beach- which Johanna is still working herself up to looking at. There's a few small fish in the bucket and Annie's tumbling dark hair is half-dried and carrying its usual scent of the ocean (like Finnick's). There's a laughing, almost joking twinkle in her eyes and an infectious smile on her face- before the games, Annie Cresta was once a vibrant, joyful girl who would be both teasing and laughing with you (or giving you a shove if you really deserved it) as she spent her days in the water. at least- that's what Finnick once told Johanna- and the resemblance is there.
"Are you tired of fish, yet?" she smirks at Johanna, who has to wonder if she's rubbing off on the pregnant woman.
"Isn't there anything else to eat??" Johanna has to whine. District 4 seems to be made of little else. (it's a good thing food like venison can be imported from other parts of Panem, isn't it?)
Annie elbows her in a friendly manner, and Johanna returns to working on a wooden crib that she's been working on- it's got sea-themed carvings on the edges, which seems fitting.
-
After the baby is born, Annie feels that real flutter of happiness that those last weeks with Finnick brought. He is so perfect, though so small and fragile that she’s glad that Johanna is there when she can’t pull herself out of those beginnings of madness. She names him Dylan, remembering a long ago wistful conversation with Finnick about what they would name their children if it was ever safe enough to have them. It’s only fitting Dylan’s name means tide and flow.
Johanna doesn’t like to talk about her own nightmares, but during the really bad ones, Annie silently slips into her bed and hugs her, like Finnick used to do with her. Sometimes she can’t help crying a little when she wakes up and realizes that he’s dead. She wonders if that inner ache will ever go away- or if she even wants it to. Johanna and Dylan are all that’s left- so she has to take care of them. Besides, she's never more thankful that Johanna is there when Annie can't stop herself and the fits start- Johanna finds her shaking like a leaf and whimpering incoherently. But that's life.
-
As the next few years past, Johanna realizes with a bit of surprise she doesn't really want to leave. There's some type of happiness in this new life, and she's gotten used to the sound of the ocean, even if she still has serious shakes from the memories associated with water-
During one nightmare- it's surprising to find herself pulled out by Annie Cresta's dry, warm hands and pulled into a hug. And because it’s Joanna, and she sometimes finds physical comfort exactly what’s needed, she sits up and presses her dry lips against Annie’s. It’s not surprising that Annie tastes like the salty ocean (like Finnick) and something sweet, what is surprising is that Annie kisses her back.
It’s really just a sign of their unspoken understanding, Johanna has to tell herself, though it’s a long time since her heart beat that fast.
And, well, this all becomes a nightly ritual, though whose bed often depends on who needs to be woken out of a nightmare. Annie’s body feels like sunshine and warmth against hers, and neither of them minds that it’s rough- it only a reminder that they’re really alive. Sometimes they talk about Finnick, Annie talking about when she first met Finnick before the Games ever happened, and their teasing friendship spent mostly in the water. Johanna tells stories about some of the brief funny moments when the Victors would meet together, because Annie had never been able to be there. There’s something bittersweet about these conversations, though Johanna finds it a relief, also.
-
Annie and Finnick's son, Dylan (named for the tides, Annie once told her), grows up with Johanna's fierce humor and attitude and his mother's once vibrant personality and love of the ocean. It makes sense that he spends over half his time in the water, and his sea green eyes mostly reflect happiness (even if he will only ever know stories of his father, and his aunt Johanna isn't scared of almost anything though she flinches around water, and sometimes his mother isn't all there).
Life's alright, really.
Author: sofia666
Word count: 2, 509
Spoilers: for Mockingjay
Status: Complete
Warnings: pg-13 for swearing, mentions of sex, nothing too explicit.
I've got all these post-Mockingjay ideas for fics running through my head, but I remember being interested in a discussion here talking about Johanna and Annie after the end of the book. mainly Annie/Johanna. also mentions of Gale/Johanna, Annie/Finnick, and Finnick/Johanna.
so- SPOILERS for Mockingjay. I apologize for any punctuation/grammar mistakes.
Disclaimer: Suzanne Collins owns it- I'm just playing in her world.
There was something shocking about realizing after fighting for your survival and expecting to die... there was now apparently nothing more to fight. When the rain is falling/ I'll be there/ In those mad moments/ I'll be your friend
-
It's a little bit shocking that Johanna doesn't really know exactly how she comes to live near the ocean. Especially when you factor in her recent phobia of water (well, what the hell do you expect, anyway?). Still, Annie's house is surrounded by trees, and you can't actually see the ocean, and she only ever enters near enough to hear the (slightly comforting) eternal rhythm of the tide.
-
After the war, after the assassination of Coin and the start of the new and improved government, Johanna is at a loss. (She does puts two and two together- she's not stupid- and Katniss may have had a complete meltdown, but she's not insane and she was obviously after whoever was responsible for Prim's death) Annoyed by not quite realizing the extent of Coin's ruthlessness and the bad memories the Capitol always brings, Johanna leaves for District 2.
Although she misses the woods and the crisp smell of the forests, the clean air, there is nobody really left for her in District 7. Just a lot of memories, and the loneliness is strongest there, where once upon a time she was happy.
It just makes her want to hit something.
-
District 2 has trees, lots of them. There isn't too much she can really do here, but she does give some advice on the rebuilding of some of the destroyed buildings. (The last time she helped rebuild something was eight years ago, before the Games ever really touched her life, and she helped her father rebuild their damaged wood-house.)
It's a little funny that the people here are intimidated by her attitude (but who wouldn't be? Finnick wasn't). But the workers of District 2 are hardworking, and more concerned with their new-found freedom, and they mostly leave her be.
-
She can't help but let out a sarcastic laugh when she sees Gale Hawthorne.
You're a long way from home, boy.
Didn't he still have a family? Katniss? (oh, right, whatever Katniss and Gale once were, it is now over)
Gale looks... a little different. Still the same handsome face and burning grey eyes, but there was both a new hardness and sadness living on his face. It probably had something (everything) to do with what happened to Primrose Everdeen.
"Well, you're still looking gorgeous, aren't you? Hawthorne, why the hell are you here?" His eyes flicker to hers and he frowns slightly. Gale glowers briefly before looking away.
She smirks.
"I'm on a TV show here, it's a commentary on the new government, news around Panem, that kind of stuff", he still can't meet her eyes. Johanna considers the irony.
"Well, it's a long way from being an illegal game hunter in District 12. But I guess you can hunt here, too." He finally looks at her and his eyes say It's not the same.
"Come on," she snarks. She doesn't actually say it, but he understands that she's telling him that at least he has people left to care about, why exile yourself to District 2?
Though maybe there are are too many (recent, painful) memories for him there, too.
Gale seems to shake out of it, a little of the old attitude seeping back in. "What the fuck do you know about it, anyway?" And now Johanna is inwardly smiling, because there's something semi-attractive about this angry attitude, and it's something more than the exiled defeatist. and it's been a long time anyway she really got to rip into someone. (It's not like Enobaria counts.) and Hawthorne seems the type to be able to handle it.
-
After that first initial fight, Gale sits on a log and wipes away the blood. (If you ask Johanna, he was asking for it.) He raises an eyebrow at her, even though he's not really that angry (but there's something so alive about being able to get truly angry about anything). It all happens very fast from there.
He's pretty sure they're pressing searing kisses against each others mouths, like they're trying to brand that anger into each other. and Johanna is pulling him closer and at the same time raising scratches along his skin. Johanna presses his burning skin against hers, and rips off his shirt. What follows is hard, fast and desperate. She finds it deliciously rough and it succeeds in driving all those stupid thoughts from her head. Not that she'll let him know, but she knows he's finding this violent physical connection somewhat cathartic.
Afterwards, when they both recover their thought processes, he looks at her like he can't believe they just did that. She congratulates herself on a job well done.
She leaves him still naked in the forest, and doesn't bother putting on the torn clothes. It's not like her lack of clothing bothers her all that much, and the cool breeze does feel good.
-
Over the next month, this becomes a common ritual for them both. There's never all that much talking, but Johanna both knows they at least enjoy their shared misery- and that buried ruthlessness that's made them who they are. By the end of the month, one fact Johanna Mason does know about Gale Hawthorne: He won't go back because a large part of him can't forgive himself for the indirect role he played in Prim's death, though even more than that is the sense that at the time he designed those bombs he did what needed to be done because they had to win a war, dammit.
Maybe it's because she doesn't want to wait around to see him to get his life together and maybe meet a girl that can love him back, or because she doesn't want to develop any real attachment to him, but Johanna leaves the next month for District 4 and the only family Finnick Odair has left.
-
little known fact- Even though it's known that Finnick and her were good friends, it's not a well-known fact that once, at a time where Annie Cresta was still off in the deep end, Johanna and Finnick used to sleep together. It was all over a long time ago, but part of Johanna will never forget his real smile or the way they understood each other (those deaths they both directly and indirectly caused, how it feels to not even own your own body). Most of all, she remembers his own badly hidden heartache at what the Capitol had done to Annie. How it had once seemed that he'd never get any part of her back. Johanna still finds it hard to comprehend that he's gone forever.
She goes because she does still owe him, and maybe this person she can actually help. She leaves Gale a brief not- you can still fix it, in time, and they might miss you- J.
-
One truth about Annie Cresta- she wasn't as mad as she seemed after her own Games, but she wasn't exactly as sane as she could come across during her brief marriage to Finnick.
Annie Cresta's continued fight to keep a somewhat tenuous grip on her sanity was an ongoing one.
Since Finnick's death, (sometimes she doesn't let it sink it, just to keep the horror away), she really is all alone. There is no one to shake her out of those never-ending moments of reliving the Games, when that Careers cut of James' head and she felt something in her snap, and all the blood... Sometimes, it's not the Games she relives, but that time imprisoned in the Capitol- she will never forget the sound of Johanna or Peeta's screams, in that hellhole where death would have seemed a blessing.
It's not until she continues to vomit during consecutive mornings that she realises the truth- and it simultaneously gives her somethiing to live for while scaring her to the core. How is she, who can barely look after herself, who sometimes has fits and moments of madness, of complete craziness- how can she looks after her and Finnick's baby by herself? She can lose herself so easily. It seems to be an impossible undertaking.
Which is why she feels such huge relief when Johanna appears out of nowhere to casually inform her that she's thinking of staying awhile.
-
Annie's house isn't her old Victor's one. It's a small, somewhat cozy, pale yellow house a short walk from the beach. There's a sprawling garden and woody part in the area, which is a bit of a relief, even though the trees aren't the same.
Johanna met Annie Cresta for the first time when she first visited District 4, during her Victory Tour. Annie was nursing a full drink outside, staring emptily at some unseen event, and she violently twitched when she noticed Johanna. She had a brief lucid moment of saying how she liked the color of Johanna's dress, before some passing woman's laugh sent her into a spiral of panic and she promptly left the party.
Even if Annie isn't that insane woman she once was, she doesn't look too good either, Johanna notes. There are dark circles under those green eyes (Johanna one wondered whether living near the ocean changed the District 4 peoples' eyes, Finnick and Annie are the only people she ever met with that eyes the color of the sea). Annie's hair is a bit of a mess, and the thin scratches on her arms are probably from some too-vivid nightmare. She grips Johanna's hand like she's a little scared Johanna will disappear.
-
It's not until later, after Annie assures Johanna she can stay away from the beach and the water, that all of Annie's fears come tumbling out in mess. "I wake up in strange places, sometimes I get violent or hysterical, you know I go a crazy sometimes youknowthenightmares- I'm not fit to look after a baby by myself!"
Annie sinks to her ankles and hugs herself, as if trying to hold herself together.
It's a big strange- kind of comforting someone, it's not something Johanna's used to. but it turns out okay, and she awkwardly pats Annie on the back while injecting "It's a good thing I'll be around for the crazier times- I think Finnick would want me to stick around for a bit. So I'll stop you during the really bad times."
She looks Annie in the eye and that unspoken connection- the one only a Victor can really understand- occurs, and Annie is reminded that all of them are a little bit insane.
-
It's a few months later when Johanna gets a glimpse of the old (the real) Annie Cresta. Annie's making her way back from the beach- which Johanna is still working herself up to looking at. There's a few small fish in the bucket and Annie's tumbling dark hair is half-dried and carrying its usual scent of the ocean (like Finnick's). There's a laughing, almost joking twinkle in her eyes and an infectious smile on her face- before the games, Annie Cresta was once a vibrant, joyful girl who would be both teasing and laughing with you (or giving you a shove if you really deserved it) as she spent her days in the water. at least- that's what Finnick once told Johanna- and the resemblance is there.
"Are you tired of fish, yet?" she smirks at Johanna, who has to wonder if she's rubbing off on the pregnant woman.
"Isn't there anything else to eat??" Johanna has to whine. District 4 seems to be made of little else. (it's a good thing food like venison can be imported from other parts of Panem, isn't it?)
Annie elbows her in a friendly manner, and Johanna returns to working on a wooden crib that she's been working on- it's got sea-themed carvings on the edges, which seems fitting.
-
After the baby is born, Annie feels that real flutter of happiness that those last weeks with Finnick brought. He is so perfect, though so small and fragile that she’s glad that Johanna is there when she can’t pull herself out of those beginnings of madness. She names him Dylan, remembering a long ago wistful conversation with Finnick about what they would name their children if it was ever safe enough to have them. It’s only fitting Dylan’s name means tide and flow.
Johanna doesn’t like to talk about her own nightmares, but during the really bad ones, Annie silently slips into her bed and hugs her, like Finnick used to do with her. Sometimes she can’t help crying a little when she wakes up and realizes that he’s dead. She wonders if that inner ache will ever go away- or if she even wants it to. Johanna and Dylan are all that’s left- so she has to take care of them. Besides, she's never more thankful that Johanna is there when Annie can't stop herself and the fits start- Johanna finds her shaking like a leaf and whimpering incoherently. But that's life.
-
As the next few years past, Johanna realizes with a bit of surprise she doesn't really want to leave. There's some type of happiness in this new life, and she's gotten used to the sound of the ocean, even if she still has serious shakes from the memories associated with water-
During one nightmare- it's surprising to find herself pulled out by Annie Cresta's dry, warm hands and pulled into a hug. And because it’s Joanna, and she sometimes finds physical comfort exactly what’s needed, she sits up and presses her dry lips against Annie’s. It’s not surprising that Annie tastes like the salty ocean (like Finnick) and something sweet, what is surprising is that Annie kisses her back.
It’s really just a sign of their unspoken understanding, Johanna has to tell herself, though it’s a long time since her heart beat that fast.
And, well, this all becomes a nightly ritual, though whose bed often depends on who needs to be woken out of a nightmare. Annie’s body feels like sunshine and warmth against hers, and neither of them minds that it’s rough- it only a reminder that they’re really alive. Sometimes they talk about Finnick, Annie talking about when she first met Finnick before the Games ever happened, and their teasing friendship spent mostly in the water. Johanna tells stories about some of the brief funny moments when the Victors would meet together, because Annie had never been able to be there. There’s something bittersweet about these conversations, though Johanna finds it a relief, also.
-
Annie and Finnick's son, Dylan (named for the tides, Annie once told her), grows up with Johanna's fierce humor and attitude and his mother's once vibrant personality and love of the ocean. It makes sense that he spends over half his time in the water, and his sea green eyes mostly reflect happiness (even if he will only ever know stories of his father, and his aunt Johanna isn't scared of almost anything though she flinches around water, and sometimes his mother isn't all there).
Life's alright, really.