Anger/Sadness/Hate/Remorse/Regret
These were just a few emotions felt this weekend. Much to my surprise my sister is down in Hazel Park again to visit. Not us of course, but who ever the hell it is that still keeps some kind of contact with her. I did get to spend the afternoon with two of my nephews. It's so nostalgic to spend time with family that you know you probably won't see for a long time after the current visit. It was as if they never left. We broke out our old jokes and talked about how Hazel Park basically will never change and how we missed each others company. It truly does break my heart to realize that there was so much wasted time that could of been spent together had it not been for their mother. My hate has been suppressed over these past few years, but forgiveness is not something I'm willing to do and to be honest with everyone I doubt I'll ever be able to. I'm still kind of waiting for one of my parents to break down and accept her back in to our lives again. That seems to always be the ebon flow. 5 or so years will go by after she pisses them off and then she'll crawl back looking for help and another chance and my parents being the loving people that they are always cave in. It's always been about the kids though. Ever since they came into our lives we've tried to do what's best for them and now that they're pretty much grown it's not easy to explain to them what's been happening, why we haven't been in contact, or why I have such a dislike for my own sister. I've always had these scenarios playing out in my head of the questions they'd ask and what I'd say, but they never asked. I know they want to but they just don't know how to go about it and if I'm honest with myself then I would truly say even after so much rehearsal in my mind I still probably wouldn't know what to tell them. I think about them all the time and only hope that they mean it when they say they'll come visit a lot more often now that Cody has his driver's license. I've yet to see Malisia since their arrival but it would be too good to be true to see my nephews without seeing her. I have no real dialogue I wish to exchange with her. She gave me answers to questions I asked but they weren't the truth. Even after all these years she still can't tell the truth on even the simplest of matters. She'd probably lie about what she ate for breakfast if I asked. I physically can't take that kind of pain and anguish anymore, I won't stand for her stirring up the past that's already been laid to rest. As far as I'm concerned this story, no, this tragedy has no resolution. All I can hope for is to help my nephews become men in the later years because I had next to no time to teach them how to be kids. I'll always be here for them even if they don't need me. Prayer is my only outlet and has always been my only outlet for this situation. Wish me luck through this week, I'm sure to encounter her eventually.