(no subject)
Things I currently fail at:
-Staying healthy
- Consistently taking important medicine in order to stay health
- Completing assignments
- Staying awake
- Feeling happy
It all has an end in sight - I fly out to New York City two weeks today. So I buckle down, I hang in there. But god, I just need a day to sleep. The antibiotics for my throat (I have a throat infection again? Is this news? About 6 weeks later than last year, but it came nevertheless) make me feel really tired, and they are horrible smelling and tasting and sometimes make me throw up. They make me sad. I can't get enough sleep, and I really am starting to hate leaving my house at 8 and not getting home til 9:30 or later every day - I just get so tired, I look like shit by the end of the day and feel awful too. I am so, so glad for the break, and rest assured that I will have an epic New Years Resolution list with remedies to all this.
One thing I'm feeling particularly upset by is my complete lack of contact with my friends. If I don't work or have class with them, I probably won't see them. This is bad. I've received a ton of messages in the last week from people asking me where I've been, why they haven't seen me, saying they miss me. I miss them too. They have every right to stop calling, stop sending messages - but I hope they don't give up on me, because I'm gaining more and more a better idea of what is truly important.
On Tuesday night I got a phone call from a reporter who, through his own error, was missing some key footage for his story on the show. He reamed me out over the phone, and though I had already calmed him down and solved the problem by the time we ended our phone call, I cried for about 20 minutes straight. I cried and cried while Arlen held me up. I think I work and live in horrible fear of mistakes, and feel like mistakes are an indicator of a bad, worthless person - there's no way I can continue have such a deep-seated fear of error. In the last year or so I've started to suffer from chest pains and stomach pains triggered by feeling incompetent at work or school. I can't keep feeling this stressed out all the time. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their deficiencies, and while I understand and support others through these things as best I can, I crucify myself for every little stumble or error. This is so, so unhealthy and robs me of feeling secure and able to enjoy the things I love. The magnitude of the response I felt to this silly little incident with the reporter which was not only not my fault at all, but that I solved easily with a few phone calls is indicative of a greater fear of failure which will ultimately serve to hold me back rather than push me forwards.
Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. I am so, so close to being able to start again.
-Staying healthy
- Consistently taking important medicine in order to stay health
- Completing assignments
- Staying awake
- Feeling happy
It all has an end in sight - I fly out to New York City two weeks today. So I buckle down, I hang in there. But god, I just need a day to sleep. The antibiotics for my throat (I have a throat infection again? Is this news? About 6 weeks later than last year, but it came nevertheless) make me feel really tired, and they are horrible smelling and tasting and sometimes make me throw up. They make me sad. I can't get enough sleep, and I really am starting to hate leaving my house at 8 and not getting home til 9:30 or later every day - I just get so tired, I look like shit by the end of the day and feel awful too. I am so, so glad for the break, and rest assured that I will have an epic New Years Resolution list with remedies to all this.
One thing I'm feeling particularly upset by is my complete lack of contact with my friends. If I don't work or have class with them, I probably won't see them. This is bad. I've received a ton of messages in the last week from people asking me where I've been, why they haven't seen me, saying they miss me. I miss them too. They have every right to stop calling, stop sending messages - but I hope they don't give up on me, because I'm gaining more and more a better idea of what is truly important.
On Tuesday night I got a phone call from a reporter who, through his own error, was missing some key footage for his story on the show. He reamed me out over the phone, and though I had already calmed him down and solved the problem by the time we ended our phone call, I cried for about 20 minutes straight. I cried and cried while Arlen held me up. I think I work and live in horrible fear of mistakes, and feel like mistakes are an indicator of a bad, worthless person - there's no way I can continue have such a deep-seated fear of error. In the last year or so I've started to suffer from chest pains and stomach pains triggered by feeling incompetent at work or school. I can't keep feeling this stressed out all the time. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their deficiencies, and while I understand and support others through these things as best I can, I crucify myself for every little stumble or error. This is so, so unhealthy and robs me of feeling secure and able to enjoy the things I love. The magnitude of the response I felt to this silly little incident with the reporter which was not only not my fault at all, but that I solved easily with a few phone calls is indicative of a greater fear of failure which will ultimately serve to hold me back rather than push me forwards.
Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. I am so, so close to being able to start again.