Fanfic - On the Origin of Purple Dinosaurs [Torchwood: Jack/Ianto]
Title: On the Origin of Purple Dinosaurs
Rating(s): PG-13
Pairing(s): minor Jack/Ianto
Summary: In which the team discovers how purple dinosaurs came to be.
Author's Notes: Pure crack. No, really. Just a short, cracky ficlet of no redeeming value whatsoever.
On the Origin of Purple Dinosaurs
A pteranodon was one thing. A sparkly, purple dinosaur was another.
“It’s a gay Barney,” Ianto declared flatly.
“I think the sparkles are quite… fetching,” Jack said, grinning.
“You would,” Owen scoffed. “You can deal with it then.”
The dinosaur peered at them inquisitively and rumbled deep in its throat. Then it beamed paternally at them. Ianto decided that the display of sharp teeth was a little disconcerting.
“Toshiko?” Jack said expectantly.
“Give me a minute,” she said absently, trying to calibrate the translator properly. The universal settings weren’t working with this creature, so she was manually adjusting each setting to convince it to make sense.
“I reckon it’s wondering why we’re not all sparkly,” Owen said reflectively.
“Probably thinks we’re defective,” Ianto speculated. “Maybe everything on its planet is sparkly, and if it’s not, there’s something wrong with it.”
Owen looked disturbed. “We wouldn’t have to turn ourselves sparkly to talk to it, would we?”
“That could be fun,” Jack said thoughtfully.
Ianto shrugged. “I’d suggest pink for you,” he told Owen blandly.
“I can go buy some body glitter,” Gwen said, smirking at the look on Owen’s face. “I suppose not all of us need to get done up, though?”
“Just Jack, seeing as he’s our leader,” Ianto said agreeably. “And Owen, since as our doctor he should be checking up to make sure no harm’s come to it.”
“So, pink for Owen and for Jack?” Gwen asked.
“Blue,” Ianto said. “Definitely his colour.”
“He’s got enough shirts to prove it,” Gwen agreed, glancing at Jack.
“That’ll work!” Jack said brightly. “Can we mix it with silver though?”
“If you’re quite done,” Toshiko said, grinning. “I think I’ve got the translator working now.”
“Pity,” Ianto sighed. “I was rather looking forward to seeing these two all done up.”
“Over my dead body,” Owen said. “So, what does it want?”
“Actually,” Toshiko said, eyes on the translator. She looked very much like she was fighting a losing battle against laughter. “It’s asking where our parents are. I think only children aren’t sparkly on their planet, so it’s not taking us seriously.”
Owen looked horrified.
Gwen clapped her hands together happily. “I’ll go buy the glitter!”
Toshiko told the sparkly dinosaur that they were going to go get their parents, and the team retreated to the back of the SUV. Gwen returned in short order with cans of spray-on body glitter.
Owen refused to submit himself to the indignity. Gwen held him down while Toshiko attacked every available bit of skin, and his clothes, with the glitter.
Ianto ignored the shrieking and profanities from that corner of the SUV in favour of spraying an over-eager Jack down with blue and silver glitter.
“We should get some in red for you,” Jack suggested enthusiastically.
“No,” Ianto said firmly.
“But it would look good,” Jack said, pouting. “We could go clubbing.”
Ianto rolled his eyes. “I’ll think about it,” he said. Maybe a bit of shimmer. He could humour Jack, especially since Jack always rewarded him for doing so. “But not while I’m in a suit.”
Jack beamed. “We’ll get the gel type,” he purred. “I’ll do you up.”
Ianto imagined Jack smoothing cool gel all over him and stopped for a moment. Then he cleared his throat and got on with things, wishing he could wipe off the smug look on Jack’s face.
“Glittery,” Gwen observed, examining her arms in the light. She glanced at Ianto, who still looked immaculate. “Sure, you got the cooperative one.”
“I’ve got to get lucky at some point,” Ianto said. “Think of all the things that invariably find their way onto my best suits.”
“Glitter’s not destructive enough,” Gwen agreed, nodding. “Must be why you didn’t get it on you.” She reached out and playfully rubbed the back of her hand against his cheek.
Ianto gave her a flat look, a streak of hot pink glitter standing out against his fair skin.
Gwen giggled.
“Remember who makes your coffee,” Ianto said calmly.
“I’ll pay for the next batch of beans,” Gwen said immediately.
“Next five,” Ianto said.
“Two.”
“Three.”
“Deal,” she said, sticking out her hand to shake on it. Ianto gave the glitter on it a pointed look and she withdrew with a laugh.
In front of them, Jack and Owen had begun talking to the dinosaur, Toshiko serving as an intermediary. Jack had just introduced himself and Owen to the dinosaur, and it was now rumbling in response.
Toshiko looked at her translator, then did a double-take. After a few moments, she squeaked out, “He says his name is - is B-Barney.”
Ianto and Gwen exchanged significant looks, then beat a hasty retreat to the SUV before they lost it.
Barney the sparkly dinosaur was quite willing to get in the SUV and go back to base. It turned out that his civilisation was fairly advanced, and that he was familiar with the vagaries of the Time Rift. He also had a means of contacting his people, which meant that they’d only have to put him up for a few hours until someone came to fetch him.
Since Ianto was the only one still glitter-free, Barney tended to ignore him in favour of the others. That suited him just fine, especially when Barney started talking about his friend Riff, who was apparently quite the famous musician where he was from.
Responding in a serious manner was quite beyond everyone.
Barney obliviously chattered on about how he’d been to Earth just once before, and what a lovely place Texas was.
“I think,” Jack said. “This is the first time I’ve ever had to send the team out for laugh breaks.”
“My lungs hurt,” Toshiko said. “I don’t think we’re meant to hold in laughter for such long periods of time.”
“Probably not, no,” Gwen said, valiantly scrubbing at her glittery arms. “I thought I’d explode when he started going on about Riff’s cousins.”
“I wonder if Sheryl Leach met Barney the first time he came here,” Ianto mused out loud.
“Who now?” Owen asked.
“The person who created the show,” Ianto explained. “She’s Texan.”
Reflective, slightly horrified silence descended.
“There are times,” Ianto finally said, “when I sorely regret learning the things I do at Torchwood.”
~fin
Rating(s): PG-13
Pairing(s): minor Jack/Ianto
Summary: In which the team discovers how purple dinosaurs came to be.
Author's Notes: Pure crack. No, really. Just a short, cracky ficlet of no redeeming value whatsoever.
On the Origin of Purple Dinosaurs
A pteranodon was one thing. A sparkly, purple dinosaur was another.
“It’s a gay Barney,” Ianto declared flatly.
“I think the sparkles are quite… fetching,” Jack said, grinning.
“You would,” Owen scoffed. “You can deal with it then.”
The dinosaur peered at them inquisitively and rumbled deep in its throat. Then it beamed paternally at them. Ianto decided that the display of sharp teeth was a little disconcerting.
“Toshiko?” Jack said expectantly.
“Give me a minute,” she said absently, trying to calibrate the translator properly. The universal settings weren’t working with this creature, so she was manually adjusting each setting to convince it to make sense.
“I reckon it’s wondering why we’re not all sparkly,” Owen said reflectively.
“Probably thinks we’re defective,” Ianto speculated. “Maybe everything on its planet is sparkly, and if it’s not, there’s something wrong with it.”
Owen looked disturbed. “We wouldn’t have to turn ourselves sparkly to talk to it, would we?”
“That could be fun,” Jack said thoughtfully.
Ianto shrugged. “I’d suggest pink for you,” he told Owen blandly.
“I can go buy some body glitter,” Gwen said, smirking at the look on Owen’s face. “I suppose not all of us need to get done up, though?”
“Just Jack, seeing as he’s our leader,” Ianto said agreeably. “And Owen, since as our doctor he should be checking up to make sure no harm’s come to it.”
“So, pink for Owen and for Jack?” Gwen asked.
“Blue,” Ianto said. “Definitely his colour.”
“He’s got enough shirts to prove it,” Gwen agreed, glancing at Jack.
“That’ll work!” Jack said brightly. “Can we mix it with silver though?”
“If you’re quite done,” Toshiko said, grinning. “I think I’ve got the translator working now.”
“Pity,” Ianto sighed. “I was rather looking forward to seeing these two all done up.”
“Over my dead body,” Owen said. “So, what does it want?”
“Actually,” Toshiko said, eyes on the translator. She looked very much like she was fighting a losing battle against laughter. “It’s asking where our parents are. I think only children aren’t sparkly on their planet, so it’s not taking us seriously.”
Owen looked horrified.
Gwen clapped her hands together happily. “I’ll go buy the glitter!”
Toshiko told the sparkly dinosaur that they were going to go get their parents, and the team retreated to the back of the SUV. Gwen returned in short order with cans of spray-on body glitter.
Owen refused to submit himself to the indignity. Gwen held him down while Toshiko attacked every available bit of skin, and his clothes, with the glitter.
Ianto ignored the shrieking and profanities from that corner of the SUV in favour of spraying an over-eager Jack down with blue and silver glitter.
“We should get some in red for you,” Jack suggested enthusiastically.
“No,” Ianto said firmly.
“But it would look good,” Jack said, pouting. “We could go clubbing.”
Ianto rolled his eyes. “I’ll think about it,” he said. Maybe a bit of shimmer. He could humour Jack, especially since Jack always rewarded him for doing so. “But not while I’m in a suit.”
Jack beamed. “We’ll get the gel type,” he purred. “I’ll do you up.”
Ianto imagined Jack smoothing cool gel all over him and stopped for a moment. Then he cleared his throat and got on with things, wishing he could wipe off the smug look on Jack’s face.
“Glittery,” Gwen observed, examining her arms in the light. She glanced at Ianto, who still looked immaculate. “Sure, you got the cooperative one.”
“I’ve got to get lucky at some point,” Ianto said. “Think of all the things that invariably find their way onto my best suits.”
“Glitter’s not destructive enough,” Gwen agreed, nodding. “Must be why you didn’t get it on you.” She reached out and playfully rubbed the back of her hand against his cheek.
Ianto gave her a flat look, a streak of hot pink glitter standing out against his fair skin.
Gwen giggled.
“Remember who makes your coffee,” Ianto said calmly.
“I’ll pay for the next batch of beans,” Gwen said immediately.
“Next five,” Ianto said.
“Two.”
“Three.”
“Deal,” she said, sticking out her hand to shake on it. Ianto gave the glitter on it a pointed look and she withdrew with a laugh.
In front of them, Jack and Owen had begun talking to the dinosaur, Toshiko serving as an intermediary. Jack had just introduced himself and Owen to the dinosaur, and it was now rumbling in response.
Toshiko looked at her translator, then did a double-take. After a few moments, she squeaked out, “He says his name is - is B-Barney.”
Ianto and Gwen exchanged significant looks, then beat a hasty retreat to the SUV before they lost it.
Barney the sparkly dinosaur was quite willing to get in the SUV and go back to base. It turned out that his civilisation was fairly advanced, and that he was familiar with the vagaries of the Time Rift. He also had a means of contacting his people, which meant that they’d only have to put him up for a few hours until someone came to fetch him.
Since Ianto was the only one still glitter-free, Barney tended to ignore him in favour of the others. That suited him just fine, especially when Barney started talking about his friend Riff, who was apparently quite the famous musician where he was from.
Responding in a serious manner was quite beyond everyone.
Barney obliviously chattered on about how he’d been to Earth just once before, and what a lovely place Texas was.
“I think,” Jack said. “This is the first time I’ve ever had to send the team out for laugh breaks.”
“My lungs hurt,” Toshiko said. “I don’t think we’re meant to hold in laughter for such long periods of time.”
“Probably not, no,” Gwen said, valiantly scrubbing at her glittery arms. “I thought I’d explode when he started going on about Riff’s cousins.”
“I wonder if Sheryl Leach met Barney the first time he came here,” Ianto mused out loud.
“Who now?” Owen asked.
“The person who created the show,” Ianto explained. “She’s Texan.”
Reflective, slightly horrified silence descended.
“There are times,” Ianto finally said, “when I sorely regret learning the things I do at Torchwood.”
~fin