From my dairy...
These are from my diary and I want to keep them but, I dont want my dad to find them so i'm writting them here and i'm going to start updating a lot more.
March 22nd
One thing i've learned about life it that it's never fair. No matter how hard you try nothing ever seems to add up. The part that hurts the most is that I started all of this shit. If it wasn't for me fucking up maybe things might have turned out better? Instead here i am bawling my eyes out wanting all this shit to dissapear. Im in hell. My dad and me just fought. He beat the shit out of me. My head kills. Where did I start messing up this bad? This may sound corny to some of you but, I don't care. I ask God for strength to make it through everytime this shit goes down...that strength I have is slowly fading. With every tear that falls out of my eyes and rolls down my cheeks. I really wish Jessie was here with me. She is my other half. Without her im nothing. I really hope I don't ever lose her. Fuck that I know I won't. I don't know if she knows this but, she is constantly saving my life. Just hearing her voice makes me remember that one day things are going to be different.. there going to be better. To my dad im just like my mom. A big fuck up. A women who turns her life to drugs to be happy. Someone who fails at life basically. I hate admitting this cause I love my mom with all my heart but, he's right about her and im starting to think he's right about me. No matter how hard I try U just can't seem to get my head on straight. I don't want to be likeher. I want to make it. I cant barly keep my eyes open so i'm going to sleep.
March 23
This morning sucked ass but, not as much ass as last night. Got up head pounding abd I felt like throwin up everywhere. Took asprin didn't help. I was going to stay home but, dad said if I didn't get up and go to school that he was going to throw me outside. Today sucked. I'm in 7th. I've been putting a wall up so nobody will know or see the pain. I told Scottie on the bus what happened. he wants me to say something but, I just can't my dad puts on this "I'm such the perfect daddy" act. He says and does all the right things. Who is going to believe the fucked up girl? Nobody. I really just want to smoke a blunt and forget all this fucking shit. I'm terrified to go home. I dont want to get hit. I want to be with my mom. As corny as it is I get to be held, trusted, and talked to like im somebody with something to say. For once im not just noise. But, everytime the whole moving thing comes up "I can't take you this instant Katt because he has legal custody I need to go through court" But yet what has she done to take astep in gettin custody? SHIT! She hasn't done a motha fuckin thing. blah blah blah. she's a slut. I'm so fucking angry. Why can't this shit just stop? Im really not likin all this drama in my life. 2 years..damn I don't know if my body or mind can survive. HA! I sound like my mom. UGH! I keep replaying all last night over and over and over. Earlier that night he hit Maxine because she was "annoying" him. Why would anyone on earth want to hit Maxine and treat her like shit? I love that girl so much yo. Last night she came in my room yelling "Daddy no Daddy stop" and she grabbed his arm and tried to pull it away. He looked at her then me and backed up. If it wasn't for her I don't know what would have made him stop. Or if he even would have stopped. After a couple minutes he came back hit me twice but stopped with a look that made me know he didn't want Maxine to see this shit again. That right there made me realize more than ever that I don't want to leave this house without her. Cause what if he starts on her next? I would never even leave a chance for that to happen. Even if I get my ass gets hit everyday. She is too good and smart for that shit. Im out bell.
Today***March 28
So things haven't gone back to normal with me and my dad. They usually do. But, not this time. I'm kinda happy about it. Cause now I won't let my gaurd down again. Jessie moved. Closer. Like 10 minutes. So woot! My dads birthday was Sunday and he didn't want me with him for it so I spent the day with Jessie while him and Maxine had a fucking spectular time! Joy. Not. I love how I mine as well have no family. fuck it. Dosent matter cause I got to see Jessie and my girl and we all go fuckin high as a motha fucka. aha. Had a great time. We moved a lot of shit though. Had MCAS today. Wasn't bad at all. Had to write a 5 paragraph essay. Tomorrow is open response and multiple choice. So my birthday is next saturday. It really isn't going to be shit. It's going to come and go. My dads trying to get me to stay with him now. Thats bullshit. I mean no. Plus i'd rather have my birthday mean nothing than be without Jessie and Crystal. Espically cause Thursday will be our one month. She means a lot to me. And I can't see her this weekend and if I don't see her next weekend i'll completely fall apart. That sounds corny but, seeing her gives me something to look forward to. I'm really happy and i'm starting to let my wall down. She has a journal and I don't know some shit just makes me want to put that wall back up. She went out wit this boy for 2 years. And in her journal she wrote "It's gonna take a lot to break me and her up and I highly doubt he's gonna wait for me" ..okay whats that shit? It's like she is wanting him to be there IF we break up. Someone to fall back on to go to if shit doesn't work out. And I definatly don't play that. Oh and she wrote "I don't really care... he ain't mine so i'm not gonna be mad if he finds someone else...at least...i'm not gonna let him know i'm mad.." Okay so please someone comment and tell me if I am over reacting. Cause that just makes me feel like SHIT! I can't stand people who do that. Mind you I understand the whole 2 years thing. Thats hard to get over. But, why would you say that. I like her so much and I don't want to get hurt. I can't stand that everytime I look at her I have to look away because she just might be thinking about him. It's makin me crazy! lol. Anyways she also went on and wrote "But I think im falling in love with her but I don't think I can tell her in tis early in the relationship cause monday will be 3 weeks and i dont want to lose her" And I wasn't sure what to say to that only cause I feel if I let me gaurd down completely i'll love her but, Im waiting for her to tell me that she is ready to be in a relationship that I want. One that isnt just some 6 month thing. And I want her to tell me that she wants me to take my gaurd down and tell her I love her. Cause I will but even if she tells me she wants me to this time is going to be different when I tell her I love her its going to be in person and its going to be all romantic and shit =]. Cause she is worth that and more. But she needs to tell me that and she needs to want that more than anything like I do cause if not it won't work. well im gona go leave comments I need help and someone give me ideas on what to do on my birthday so its not just anthor day to me. lol. Im gona be 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahahahahaha. YES. alright im out peace.
p.s- this is to Crystal;
Baby yoy can't do anything to scare me away. You could do shit to make me leave but not be scared. lol. I heart you bae. You mean soo much to me.
MWAH times 38713486438573874583745897134987513987573458739485. I miss you. And I wish I could see you everyday. And I wouldn't get annoyed of you. I never could. =]
March 22nd
One thing i've learned about life it that it's never fair. No matter how hard you try nothing ever seems to add up. The part that hurts the most is that I started all of this shit. If it wasn't for me fucking up maybe things might have turned out better? Instead here i am bawling my eyes out wanting all this shit to dissapear. Im in hell. My dad and me just fought. He beat the shit out of me. My head kills. Where did I start messing up this bad? This may sound corny to some of you but, I don't care. I ask God for strength to make it through everytime this shit goes down...that strength I have is slowly fading. With every tear that falls out of my eyes and rolls down my cheeks. I really wish Jessie was here with me. She is my other half. Without her im nothing. I really hope I don't ever lose her. Fuck that I know I won't. I don't know if she knows this but, she is constantly saving my life. Just hearing her voice makes me remember that one day things are going to be different.. there going to be better. To my dad im just like my mom. A big fuck up. A women who turns her life to drugs to be happy. Someone who fails at life basically. I hate admitting this cause I love my mom with all my heart but, he's right about her and im starting to think he's right about me. No matter how hard I try U just can't seem to get my head on straight. I don't want to be likeher. I want to make it. I cant barly keep my eyes open so i'm going to sleep.
March 23
This morning sucked ass but, not as much ass as last night. Got up head pounding abd I felt like throwin up everywhere. Took asprin didn't help. I was going to stay home but, dad said if I didn't get up and go to school that he was going to throw me outside. Today sucked. I'm in 7th. I've been putting a wall up so nobody will know or see the pain. I told Scottie on the bus what happened. he wants me to say something but, I just can't my dad puts on this "I'm such the perfect daddy" act. He says and does all the right things. Who is going to believe the fucked up girl? Nobody. I really just want to smoke a blunt and forget all this fucking shit. I'm terrified to go home. I dont want to get hit. I want to be with my mom. As corny as it is I get to be held, trusted, and talked to like im somebody with something to say. For once im not just noise. But, everytime the whole moving thing comes up "I can't take you this instant Katt because he has legal custody I need to go through court" But yet what has she done to take astep in gettin custody? SHIT! She hasn't done a motha fuckin thing. blah blah blah. she's a slut. I'm so fucking angry. Why can't this shit just stop? Im really not likin all this drama in my life. 2 years..damn I don't know if my body or mind can survive. HA! I sound like my mom. UGH! I keep replaying all last night over and over and over. Earlier that night he hit Maxine because she was "annoying" him. Why would anyone on earth want to hit Maxine and treat her like shit? I love that girl so much yo. Last night she came in my room yelling "Daddy no Daddy stop" and she grabbed his arm and tried to pull it away. He looked at her then me and backed up. If it wasn't for her I don't know what would have made him stop. Or if he even would have stopped. After a couple minutes he came back hit me twice but stopped with a look that made me know he didn't want Maxine to see this shit again. That right there made me realize more than ever that I don't want to leave this house without her. Cause what if he starts on her next? I would never even leave a chance for that to happen. Even if I get my ass gets hit everyday. She is too good and smart for that shit. Im out bell.
Today***March 28
So things haven't gone back to normal with me and my dad. They usually do. But, not this time. I'm kinda happy about it. Cause now I won't let my gaurd down again. Jessie moved. Closer. Like 10 minutes. So woot! My dads birthday was Sunday and he didn't want me with him for it so I spent the day with Jessie while him and Maxine had a fucking spectular time! Joy. Not. I love how I mine as well have no family. fuck it. Dosent matter cause I got to see Jessie and my girl and we all go fuckin high as a motha fucka. aha. Had a great time. We moved a lot of shit though. Had MCAS today. Wasn't bad at all. Had to write a 5 paragraph essay. Tomorrow is open response and multiple choice. So my birthday is next saturday. It really isn't going to be shit. It's going to come and go. My dads trying to get me to stay with him now. Thats bullshit. I mean no. Plus i'd rather have my birthday mean nothing than be without Jessie and Crystal. Espically cause Thursday will be our one month. She means a lot to me. And I can't see her this weekend and if I don't see her next weekend i'll completely fall apart. That sounds corny but, seeing her gives me something to look forward to. I'm really happy and i'm starting to let my wall down. She has a journal and I don't know some shit just makes me want to put that wall back up. She went out wit this boy for 2 years. And in her journal she wrote "It's gonna take a lot to break me and her up and I highly doubt he's gonna wait for me" ..okay whats that shit? It's like she is wanting him to be there IF we break up. Someone to fall back on to go to if shit doesn't work out. And I definatly don't play that. Oh and she wrote "I don't really care... he ain't mine so i'm not gonna be mad if he finds someone else...at least...i'm not gonna let him know i'm mad.." Okay so please someone comment and tell me if I am over reacting. Cause that just makes me feel like SHIT! I can't stand people who do that. Mind you I understand the whole 2 years thing. Thats hard to get over. But, why would you say that. I like her so much and I don't want to get hurt. I can't stand that everytime I look at her I have to look away because she just might be thinking about him. It's makin me crazy! lol. Anyways she also went on and wrote "But I think im falling in love with her but I don't think I can tell her in tis early in the relationship cause monday will be 3 weeks and i dont want to lose her" And I wasn't sure what to say to that only cause I feel if I let me gaurd down completely i'll love her but, Im waiting for her to tell me that she is ready to be in a relationship that I want. One that isnt just some 6 month thing. And I want her to tell me that she wants me to take my gaurd down and tell her I love her. Cause I will but even if she tells me she wants me to this time is going to be different when I tell her I love her its going to be in person and its going to be all romantic and shit =]. Cause she is worth that and more. But she needs to tell me that and she needs to want that more than anything like I do cause if not it won't work. well im gona go leave comments I need help and someone give me ideas on what to do on my birthday so its not just anthor day to me. lol. Im gona be 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahahahahaha. YES. alright im out peace.
p.s- this is to Crystal;
Baby yoy can't do anything to scare me away. You could do shit to make me leave but not be scared. lol. I heart you bae. You mean soo much to me.
MWAH times 38713486438573874583745897134987513987573458739485. I miss you. And I wish I could see you everyday. And I wouldn't get annoyed of you. I never could. =]