(no subject)
Wwell, i'll be damned. Just got myself out of a potentially difficult and uncomfortable situation and have thrown it back to the pit of usual worries and crappity crap. I cannot be happy, not even for a second. I will always find ways to make myself feel miserable. The worst part of it is that I feel i can't count on people any more, everybody is just working according to and to fulfill their own private agendas that have nothing to do with my well being. it's frustrating and disappointing and makes you feel lonely and misunderstood like hell. I can't trust anyone because i don't know how my words or deeds will be interpreted, or how my truth will suit or not suit some people's needs. I will have to learn to separate flattery from true concern. I will have to act accordingly. I also think it's time to give some people the credit they deserve. I'm afraid to see myself through my own eyes, actually i have forgotten how to do this, everything I am is just what is mirrored on other people's perception of me. A broken warped reflection, or more like many reflections superimposed one on top of the other. I was supposed to find myself this year. Instead, I have already started to forsake it. Giving it away to others and to their wants and needs and keeping nothing for myself. This is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm trapped.