Idiot, M.D.
House leaned back in his chair, crossing his ankles on the top of his desk, knocking some charts onto the floor in the process. He switched on the power to his PSP and began his journey; stealing cars and shooting down pedestrians with AK47s. Quite frankly, being able to partake in some Grand Theft Auto somewhere around three hours a day was the best part of his job. Saving lives, figuring shit out...it had all grown tiresome.
He was right the middle of a helicopter heist when he heard the door to his office swing open. He had left the blinds closed over the door as a way to ensure that he heard people barging into his office, just in case he was engrossed in some less than moral activity. (Porn comes to mind)
"Christ, House," Wilson batted the floor-to-ceiling blinds out of his way as he stepped into House's office. "Your blinds just sliced my arm."
"That'll teach you to roll your sleeves up in an attempt to appear busy." House narrowed his eyes as his helicopter just barely missed a skyscraper.
"Some of us," Wilson flopped down in the chair across from House's desk, "are actually busy. Like, oh I don't know...me for example? I can't remember the last time I had a free minute to play video games at work."
House snorted and tilted his PSP as if that would help anything. "Well, that's why you have to convince Cuddy that your job is so important, demanding, and complicated that you need at least three underlings to help you so that your patients don't die. Then, you just make them do everything, so you can play video games and then collect a paycheck at the end of the week like you figured everything out all on your own."
Wilson shook his head. "You're unbelievable."
House shrugged. "Did you need something, or are you just being annoying for the hell of it?"
Wilson sighed and tossed a box of guitar picks and strings and a box of heart shaped chocolates onto House's desk. "Happy Valentine's Day."
House finally looked up. "You're an idiot."
"Wow! Thanks, House! I love you too!"
House eyed over the candy. (Chocolate covered coconut, his favorite.) "Shouldn't you be giving this stuff to your wife?"
Wilson threw his hands into the air. "She's not my wife!"
"...Yet."
Wilson stood up quickly, sending the chair falling backwards onto the floor. "You make the idea of it sound sweeter every single time you suggest it."
"The sex is always better when you're cheating on one of your wives, what can I say?" House went back to his PSP.
Wilson reached up, pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to think of a way to respond. All that came out was an unintelligible noise, and he turned and stormed out of the office.
House looked up and watched him leave.
*
"We're getting married." Wilson sat across from House in the cafeteria, loudly slamming his tray down in front of him.
House reached over and grabbed a handful of fries, shoving most of them into his mouth at once. He glanced down at his hand. "What, no ring?" Pieces of half-chewed fry landed on Wilson's tray.
Wilson pushed the tray towards House, a disgusted look on his face. "Not to you. To...Jane."
House scoffed. "You're an idiot." He grabbed Wilson's Coke and drained most of it in one gulp.
Wilson rolled his eyes and placed his hands down on the table. "You know...you can still decide that this," he motioned furiously between them, "is actually worth something to you, and I'll call the whole thing off."
House leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, smirking ever so slightly. "What? And hurt Jane? Wouldn't dream of it. Besides, you know what they say. Fourth times the charm."
Wilson just stared at him.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Fifth?...Sixth? I'm afraid I've lost count."
Wilson balled his fists, so tightly that the color was draining from his knuckles and traveling into his face, House noticed. They sat like that for a few moments; Wilson counting to ten at least eight times, and House eating fries while casually disregarding his true feelings, per usual.
Finally, Wilson stood up. " I assume you'll be my best man again?"
House nodded slightly.
"Good." Wilson turned and left.
House watched him leave.
*
"I just wanted you to straighten it out, not strangle me!" House frowned as Wilson re-tied his bow-tie a bit too snug.
"Oh, shut up and stand still! I'll be done in three seconds." Wilson stood back to admire his work (and House, while he was at it.) "Perfect."
House grumbled and reached up, loosening the tie a bit once Wilson went back to admiring his own self in the full length mirror.
"Well...how do I look?"
"Like you're getting married for the millionth time."
Wilson smiled, seemingly pleased with that answer. He walked over to House and gave him a pat on the back. "Well, let's go do this."
*
Jane's walk down the aisle was a bit too dramatic for House's taste. Too many flowers, too much orchestral music, and too big a smile from Wilson.
He cursed himself under his breath.
What if he had been right? The fourth time could be the charm. Jane wasn't like Wilson's other wives. She was needy enough to keep Wilson happy, and from what House overheard at the rehearsal dinner the previous night, she was horny enough to keep him satisfied. There'd be no reason for Wilson to come over anymore.
So this was the end, then.
The one marriage that would work and House had pushed Wilson into it. He had been the idiot, not Wilson.
House began to silently say a eulogy to his sex life, when the first kiss as husband and wife brought his attention back to the wedding. After all was said and done, House watched as Jane hugged her eleven bridesmaids one-by-one, a nauseating look of pride on her face. Halfway down the line, House felt Wilson's arms wrap around him tightly. He stood perfectly still for a minute, his arms pressed against his sides, but then he wrapped his arms around Wilson even tighter, realizing that this would probably be the last time he ever got to hold Wilson this close.
Wilson leaned in. "See you tonight?"
Or not.
House smiled to himself and then pulled back from the hug, raising an eyebrow at Wilson. He nodded.
Wilson quickly leaned in to hug House one last time before his walk back down the aisle, pressing his mouth practically against House's ear. "You're right about the sex being better."
And with that, Wilson took his unsuspecting wife's hand, and walked her down the aisle, turning to smile at House knowingly, before stepping through the church doors.
House smiled.
"Idiot."
He was right the middle of a helicopter heist when he heard the door to his office swing open. He had left the blinds closed over the door as a way to ensure that he heard people barging into his office, just in case he was engrossed in some less than moral activity. (Porn comes to mind)
"Christ, House," Wilson batted the floor-to-ceiling blinds out of his way as he stepped into House's office. "Your blinds just sliced my arm."
"That'll teach you to roll your sleeves up in an attempt to appear busy." House narrowed his eyes as his helicopter just barely missed a skyscraper.
"Some of us," Wilson flopped down in the chair across from House's desk, "are actually busy. Like, oh I don't know...me for example? I can't remember the last time I had a free minute to play video games at work."
House snorted and tilted his PSP as if that would help anything. "Well, that's why you have to convince Cuddy that your job is so important, demanding, and complicated that you need at least three underlings to help you so that your patients don't die. Then, you just make them do everything, so you can play video games and then collect a paycheck at the end of the week like you figured everything out all on your own."
Wilson shook his head. "You're unbelievable."
House shrugged. "Did you need something, or are you just being annoying for the hell of it?"
Wilson sighed and tossed a box of guitar picks and strings and a box of heart shaped chocolates onto House's desk. "Happy Valentine's Day."
House finally looked up. "You're an idiot."
"Wow! Thanks, House! I love you too!"
House eyed over the candy. (Chocolate covered coconut, his favorite.) "Shouldn't you be giving this stuff to your wife?"
Wilson threw his hands into the air. "She's not my wife!"
"...Yet."
Wilson stood up quickly, sending the chair falling backwards onto the floor. "You make the idea of it sound sweeter every single time you suggest it."
"The sex is always better when you're cheating on one of your wives, what can I say?" House went back to his PSP.
Wilson reached up, pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to think of a way to respond. All that came out was an unintelligible noise, and he turned and stormed out of the office.
House looked up and watched him leave.
*
"We're getting married." Wilson sat across from House in the cafeteria, loudly slamming his tray down in front of him.
House reached over and grabbed a handful of fries, shoving most of them into his mouth at once. He glanced down at his hand. "What, no ring?" Pieces of half-chewed fry landed on Wilson's tray.
Wilson pushed the tray towards House, a disgusted look on his face. "Not to you. To...Jane."
House scoffed. "You're an idiot." He grabbed Wilson's Coke and drained most of it in one gulp.
Wilson rolled his eyes and placed his hands down on the table. "You know...you can still decide that this," he motioned furiously between them, "is actually worth something to you, and I'll call the whole thing off."
House leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms, smirking ever so slightly. "What? And hurt Jane? Wouldn't dream of it. Besides, you know what they say. Fourth times the charm."
Wilson just stared at him.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Fifth?...Sixth? I'm afraid I've lost count."
Wilson balled his fists, so tightly that the color was draining from his knuckles and traveling into his face, House noticed. They sat like that for a few moments; Wilson counting to ten at least eight times, and House eating fries while casually disregarding his true feelings, per usual.
Finally, Wilson stood up. " I assume you'll be my best man again?"
House nodded slightly.
"Good." Wilson turned and left.
House watched him leave.
*
"I just wanted you to straighten it out, not strangle me!" House frowned as Wilson re-tied his bow-tie a bit too snug.
"Oh, shut up and stand still! I'll be done in three seconds." Wilson stood back to admire his work (and House, while he was at it.) "Perfect."
House grumbled and reached up, loosening the tie a bit once Wilson went back to admiring his own self in the full length mirror.
"Well...how do I look?"
"Like you're getting married for the millionth time."
Wilson smiled, seemingly pleased with that answer. He walked over to House and gave him a pat on the back. "Well, let's go do this."
*
Jane's walk down the aisle was a bit too dramatic for House's taste. Too many flowers, too much orchestral music, and too big a smile from Wilson.
He cursed himself under his breath.
What if he had been right? The fourth time could be the charm. Jane wasn't like Wilson's other wives. She was needy enough to keep Wilson happy, and from what House overheard at the rehearsal dinner the previous night, she was horny enough to keep him satisfied. There'd be no reason for Wilson to come over anymore.
So this was the end, then.
The one marriage that would work and House had pushed Wilson into it. He had been the idiot, not Wilson.
House began to silently say a eulogy to his sex life, when the first kiss as husband and wife brought his attention back to the wedding. After all was said and done, House watched as Jane hugged her eleven bridesmaids one-by-one, a nauseating look of pride on her face. Halfway down the line, House felt Wilson's arms wrap around him tightly. He stood perfectly still for a minute, his arms pressed against his sides, but then he wrapped his arms around Wilson even tighter, realizing that this would probably be the last time he ever got to hold Wilson this close.
Wilson leaned in. "See you tonight?"
Or not.
House smiled to himself and then pulled back from the hug, raising an eyebrow at Wilson. He nodded.
Wilson quickly leaned in to hug House one last time before his walk back down the aisle, pressing his mouth practically against House's ear. "You're right about the sex being better."
And with that, Wilson took his unsuspecting wife's hand, and walked her down the aisle, turning to smile at House knowingly, before stepping through the church doors.
House smiled.
"Idiot."