My life?
Ever since i was little i saw my self in the mirror and thought to my self is this really what im here for? Ive grown in so many ways but at the same time theres parts of me that are still confused. My family. I am Me. We all have our differences in life and the way that we are brought up. my mother didnt know she was pregnat after two months, i am 13 years apart from my middle brother, my mom was 41 when she concived me. My father always wanted a girl, I was his pride and joy. daddys little girl. I prefered being around my father that anyone else in this world my mother was the one who would hit me for little things and my dad was my hero who took me away on bad days. My mother and Father were in love. My mother was jealous of me cause i didnt want to be around her. As i Grew began school for the first time school was great A's and B's And i love this thing called life.
Dads Last chirstmas. It seemed as if he knew. He went all out, bought the biggest tree bought tonz of presents and the love could brighten the darkest room in the house. January comes along. My father comes home in a hurry wanting for all of us to take a family picture out of the blue. We do as we are told and Put on our Sundays best. My brothers in ties and button up shirts, Mom is wearing her nice beaded white dress, my father is in his nice white polo shirt, his arms have drips of paint from work, and me...in my new Maroon dress that dad brought home for me that day.
Febuary.This is the moment in life where it seems like it just happend yesterday. Till this day i can replay it in my memory. Its febuary 5th my mom is making dinner, my brother is in his room and im watching my favorite magic show on TV. My father comes in about 7pm stands by the door and looks at me. i run towards him of course and give him his daily "Big FAT hug and BIG FAT KISS" haha. He walks toward the kitchen and rubbs his stomach as he watches my mother serve his plate. He says he still has to go back to work and he just came home to pick up some tarps for work so he calls my brother and asks if he can help him so he can fold them. As my father is playing jokes with my brother he freezes. Sits him self down, Right hand over his chest . A heart attach. My brother runs in the kitchen and yells " MOM! its DAD CALL 911! My mom starts yelling in shock i run in to the garage where my father was laying. I kneel and i look in to his eyes " Dont die on me dad dont die on me". My mother finally snaps out of it and trys helping my father as i open the garage and run to my neighbors house cause shes a nurse. She comes over and the Ambulance is lost and my father is dieing right in front of my eyes. My hero. He died immidatly as he got in the ambulace...they took too long to get there. That night everyone came over. my heart was broken. My mind over flowed with thoughts. I didnt understand. Why? why did God take my hero away from me? Is this how life is? When am i going to die?Why me? i didnt want anyone to touch me. I locked my self in my parents room and cryed my self to sleep.The next morning i looked for my dad hoping it was all a dream but it was real dad wasnt there anymore.
I was put in counceling for about a year in school. I couldnt talk about him after 6 years. i felt as life were meaningless. Why live if you are going to die? What for? God felt un realistic. If God really loved me he would bring dad back to me. But he didnt from that day on there was no God. noReason for life. Then there was my mom.after 2 year of my fathers death, i didnt do good in school, nothing matterd. Everymorning till today she tells me "Why cant you be like your brothers? They are not like you!","You are such a Failure","You are the Cause of my sickness, you MAKE ME SICK" Everyday. For 10 years. I grew up thinking im here to fail. Thats what i do.FAIL. Im nothing Ive tried hurting my self so many times. I was better off dead. Sometimes my mom would say she wishes it was her that died not my father so she wouldnt have to deal with me. What do i do? What does a 8-18 do when they are constantly being told that? Everymorning i wake up to that same rutien.
to be continued...