J2AU SUMMER CHALLENGE- H.A.N.A.B.I.
Even though I stretch out my hand, it doesn't reach.
Its two weeks later and Jared’s had a total of eight shifts with Jensen and currently zero with Sophia. Jensen says it’s because he has to be trained thoroughly in the art of ignorance and comebacks to be able to handle someone like Sophia. That sort of statement makes Jared sort of glad that he hasn’t worked with the woman yet.
Today seems like one of those slow business days where only a trickle of customers would come to the shop. Jared is dressed slightly down with just a black wife beater and low riding grey denim jeans hugging his hip where two studded belts crossed to hold onto it. He had many cuffs and bracelets adorning his wrists, and a pretty collar around his neck.
Jensen looked even better with a tight button down shirt in black with short sleeves to show off his biceps. He had a chain and lock around his neck as well as a few cuffs around his wrists. His jeans are baggy, the end of the legs skinny enough to be shoved into a pair of bikers boots that gave him the perfect look.
“Hey, so what do you think about coming to my place after work? Would it be a good time? Are you free?” asks Jensen, leaning his hip against the counter, looking at Jared at his place on the sofa.
“Um, yes?” says Jared, wondering why he was going to Jensen’s house. Jensen gives him a look that means Jared should know what they’re talking about but realizes Jared’s clueless.
“Um, you know how I sorta like asked you to help me design a business card for the shop? I mean it’s been three weeks, give or take, since its opening I think it’d be a good idea to distribute business cards and-”
Jared laughs at Jensen’s babble and nods. “Yeah, okay. I remember now! It’s fine. I’m sure Momma Chad will let me go.” Jensen chuckles and nods, watching Jared with a slight stare that has the brunet biting his lip ring nervously. After a few minutes, he’d look away and then repeat it another few minutes later.
Jared tries to break their tension by saying, “Oh, you know. I need a camera, I mean, if we’re advertising this store maybe we can add some store pictures, show the crowd what we’re selling yeah?”
Jensen nods and squats down, taking a key out to unlock the sliding doors that’s part of the counter. He rummages through it before producing a Nikon D300, flashing it about.
“Nana told us to keep a camera at the store so we can apparently take pictures of our customers. I’ve just only remember about that now,” he laughs, setting the camera onto the counter.
“Oh, man, that’s so convenient!” says Jared, getting up to touch the camera. He turns it on and snaps a few test pictures to get a hang of the camera before he starts snapping pictures of certain parts of the store with different angles. Jensen starts his weird looking thing again, staring at him and looking away.
Throughout the whole day, Jensen continues that, though sometimes it seems like he has something to say so Jared waits and when waiting gets tiring, he just stops what he’s doing and turns to stare at Jensen. In turn, the blond turns his face away pretending as if he wasn’t staring at all and it unsettles Jared.
At five they’re closing, seeing off a customer, a tall Asian male with bleached blond hair and a cute accent when he speaks. Jared had snapped a photo of him as well as entertained the customer since it seemed Jensen wasn’t in the mood when the chatty male came up to Jared and gushed over his jeans, wondering where he got them.
Jared was more than nice to tell him, doing a 360 so that he could observe every aspect of the clothing.
The guy even had the guts to tell him how well the material hugged his ass. Jensen had stopped hovering around them then, opting to slouch onto the sofa, plush lips pursed out in something akin to a pout.
Jared doesn’t question him about it, opting to stay quiet and follow him to his car.
When they arrive at his house, Jensen stops him from getting out the passenger seat. Jared turns to look at him, finding Jensen staring at him with that intense look again.
“Hey, just wanna say it’s just Josh and my ma tonight. Mackenzie hassled our dad into taking her to some concert a few hours away from here,” he says, rolling his eyes and the tension that was brewing in the car between them, like the Texas heat, dissipated just like that.
Jensen lets go of his arm and moves out of the car, Jared mimicking his moves. They walk up to the front door and just as Jensen’s about to put his keys to unlock the door, his mother opens it.
“Jared! It’s nice to see you again!” she greets, swooping in to give him a motherly hug that’s got him missing his own momma’s hugs.
“It’s good to see you too, Mama Ackles,” he greets back, hugging her back and when they part, Jensen’s grinning wide.
“Oh Jennybeans, you wanna give your mom a hug too, don’t you?” she coos, hugging Jensen and the blond rolls his eyes, but hugs his mom back. When she lets go, she ushers them through the front door. “You boys hungry? Dinner will be done in an hour or so, if you want a snack I could provide some…” she titters going on a tangent and Jensen puts an arm around her shoulder, smiling.
“Ma, it’s okay. Jared’s just here to do some designin’ for the store. We’re thinkin’ business cards, maybe posters,” he says, making his mom’s eyes sparkle.
“Just like teenagers doing a school project,” she laughs. “I remember when you and Tom used to stay up all night, Jennybeans, doing your thing. Well then, Jared, you must stay for dinner! Since Alan and Mackenzie aren’t here, I do insist!”
“Well…” hesitates Jared, thinking on the last time he was with them for dinner.
“C’mon Jare, it’d be fun. I know how much you love food,” goads Jensen and Jared nods his head, agreeing. Donna smiles wide and tells them dinner will be ready as soon as it can and she swishes off in a rush.
“She’s such an awesome person,” says Jared, admiration in his voice.
“Don’t let her hear that, she’ll get a big head,” laughs Jensen, leading him upstairs. Jensen’s room is the first one to the left and it’s a wide room with posters on the wall and a double bed.
“This room ain’t much but its home for the holidays,” says Jensen wistfully, smiling.
“I think it’s great,” says Jared, standing in front of the ceiling to floor bookshelf filled with a whole collection of books. He fingers the many spines of the books, dragging it up and down, feeling the dent of the words pressed in.
When he turns around, it’s to see Jensen sitting at his desktop computer, opening programs for him. Jared produces the camera from his backpack, fishing the flash memory stick out and hands it to Jensen. With a quick plug in, Jensen has the photos uploaded on his computer, ready for Jared to use.
-
It takes him until dinner but Jared has two versions done for the business card; a sweet kind for the Lolita fashion and a dark kind for the punk and gothic fashion. Jensen likes both of the versions but encourages Jared to do at least two more incase Nana and Sophia have a different opinion.
A minute later after that, Donna is calling them to dinner and they trample down the stairs like starved little boys until Jared realizes he needs to go toilet. He tells Jensen this who points down the hallway saying it’s the second door on the right.
When Jared finishes and nears the dining room he hears an argument taking place, one voice belonging to Jensen, the other, Jared realizes, belonging to Josh.
“Don’t Jensen, I mean it. I just- after Tom,” says Josh, letting out a sigh.
“Don’t pull Tom into this! He has nothing to do with this, at all!” shouts Jensen, and there’s a squeak of a chair pushing pushed backwards violently, friction against the floor.
“I’m not pulling him into anything! I’m just saying that after Tom, you might wanna step back maybe try something else-”
“You mean try to date women, right? Do the normal thing? The kind of things you do right? Pick up a girl, take her to some shady motel for a night and never see her again after that?” accuses Jensen, bitterness in his voice and Jared doesn’t know if he should continue listening or leave or interrupt or- something.
“I do not do that, Jensen, and you know it.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right, cause you’ve got Lauren. Well despite your happy, happy family makings have you ever thought about my feeling, Josh? You think its fun to be called a fag and queer because I prefer guys?”
Jared’s eyes widen at Jensen’s words. Sure, he had suspected that maybe Jensen could be gay but it didn’t seem likely because when has Jared ever got what he wanted, right? No way could Jensen be gay so that they could be together right? Because even though Jensen’s so goddamn pretty doesn’t mean that he has even the littlest homosexual bone in his body.
Well, he’s proven wrong.
“I have thought about it! I know how much you suffer on your sexuality! Who was it that you went to for comfort after Johnny McGregor knocked you one in the face because he caught you checking him out? Jeez, Jensen, I just- After Tom-”
Now Jared’s wondering about this Tom guy because he seems pretty important. He could count on his hands the number of times Tom’s been mentioned but never explained and now the slightest mention of him between the brothers has his mind working overtime, again.
“Stop mentioning him, okay? Tom’s gone, gone and I know he was your best friend but that’s not gonna bring him back okay? And I know, Josh, I know it’s my fault. But shouldn’t I... try to move on? I just- You can’t compare Tom and Jared, they’re two different people.”
“Are you even sure about that? Don’t you think you’re maybe seeing Tom in Jared? I mean they’re both tall with that stupid muss of hair and that ‘nice to meet you, ma’am’ personality?”
There’s silence, as if Jensen is contemplating this fact and it does nothing to calm the nerves building up in his stomach.
“Josh…” starts Jensen again, voice softer now, “I just… I don’t know, okay? Tom was a good guy and I love him. I do. Jared’s another guy you know? And okay, who knows, maybe he is a rebound…”
Jared stops listening after that, covering his ears with his palms, blocking out the words. It hurts because Jared didn’t figure Jensen to be that type of guy but hey, never judge a book by its cover, right? Appearances can be deceiving, that kinda thing?
Jared whips out his phone and texts Chad.
‘Take me home NOW, I’m at Jensen’s.’
He backtracks to the toilet and waits in there until Jensen’s knocking on the door, asking if he’s okay. Jared opens the door and Jensen’s about to crack some joke but the brunet dodges it, walking past Jensen without a word.
Fucking confused, Jensen follows him.
“Jared?” he asks, putting a hand on his friend’s bicep. Jared flinches, and it’s not one of those small flinches instead it’s one of those bodily flinches.
What the fuck?
Jared feels it coming on, the same sickening feeling when he pined over Sandy, the same nauseating feeling when Derek told Jared he loved him after breaking his wrist, and presses a hand to his forehead, gasping for breath.
He feels the feeling of being useless and being not enough pressing in on him, growing on him, telling him that he’s just a pawn in Jensen’s little chess game, something to be used and thrown away. He feels like everything Jensen was- is up until now has been fake, fake, fake and it’s consuming him.
“Jared? Jared! Are you okay? Fuck,” swears Jensen, grabbing onto his friend and going down with him as they slide to the floor. He watches as Jared’s face just goes… blank, devoid of any emotion. “Are you okay?” he asks again once Jared seems to be breathing normally. Jared doesn’t say anything, just lolls his head to the side and stares off at something behind him.
There’s a honking outside the house, loud and obtrusive.
Jensen looks at Jared and lets him lean against the wall as he goes to the front door opening. He recognizes the old Ford in the front but the person, though he looks familiar, doesn’t register with him. A blond gets out the car and walks up to him.
“Where is Jared?” he asks, glaring at him.
“Who are you?” he asks, frowning at the blond. “I’m Chad and don’t you forget that. Now, I asked you a question, where is Jared?”
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just moves aside so that Chad can see Jared leaning against the wall.
“Fuck!” swears Chad, rushing in and squatting down in front of his friend. “Jay? Jay? You hear me man? Are you there? God, I told you this would happen! Jesus!” then he turns to Jensen, eyes squinting hard at him in anger, “What the fuck did you do to him, pretty boy?” he asks, pulling Jared up so that the tall brunet leant up against him.
“I didn’t do anything!” protests Jensen and that’s when Josh comes out.
“What’s going on?” asks Josh, looking around at Jensen then to Chad then Jared. “What’s wrong with him?” he asks, waving at Jared.
“He fucking lapsed, that’s what’s wrong with him. Fuck! I knew you were trouble when I saw you, pretty boy,” says Chad, trying to move Jared with him out the door.
“I said I didn’t do anything!” argues Jensen, moving forward to help him. “Don’t you fucking dare,” snarls Chad, hefting Jared back on his shoulders and moving again.
“Don’t think you can curse at my baby brother and leave the house without a good reason, blondie,” says Josh, cracking his knuckles.
“Hey, I can fucking say what I fucking want if you’re brother caused my best friend to lapse a-fucking-gain,” he says, continuing to move and he’s out the door and dragging Jared with him down the stairs.
That’s when Donna decides to come back, having gone to the shops to grab another bag of sugar for her dessert.
“What’s going on?” she questions, getting out of her car.
Chad doesn’t even bother to turn around or greet her, just leans Jared up against the car while he opens the back seat door and soothing his friend to lie down on the seats.
“What’s wrong with Jared?” she asks, walking up to Chad and peering into the car. Chad closes the door softly and turns to her.
“I don’t really know the cause, ma’am,” he says, “but I’m betting your boys have a part to play in this. Jared’s usually- he has a very negative mindset, and gets into what I call ‘lapses’ when his depression overcomes him. He just goes blank and doesn’t bother eating or speaking or even moving and it lasts for days or weeks until he pulls out.
“I just… I don’t know if you noticed, ma’am, but my boy is pretty fond of your son, Jensen.”
Chad pauses to see if he’s gauged a reaction from Donna but she just smiles and nods. He tilts his head at her and glances at Jared then back to her again and that’s when she realizes.
“Oh. Are you saying? Oh… oh dear,” she says, looking sadly at Jared’s figure just lying on the seats.
“That’s not it though, ma’am. Something must’ve triggered it- I mean, they’ve been working together so well these few weeks I thought… thought I was wrong about him, that Jared had finally proven me wrong and that Jensen was nothing like the Sandy incident but…”
Chad doesn’t finish, just shakes his head and Donna puts a hand on his shoulder.
“I see you care for your friend very much, honey. I think it’s best if you go home and take good care of Jared. I’ll talk to my boys.”
Chad gives a tense nod and thanks her softly, getting in his car and driving off.
-
The next week has been tensed, but Chad couldn’t cut back on his working shifts since it was the income paying for his life. Every time he comes home, he hopes it’s to a Jared sitting up and smiling or watching TV or maybe even dancing here and there but instead it’s to a silent apartment and Jared’s always just lying on the bed, curled up in on himself.
Chad puts his keys on the kitchen counter and sighs, thinking back on his day. When he went to his afternoon shift at 12, Jensen had been waiting for him with Milo at the counter. Chad had told him to leave him but the man didn’t budge, just asked questions about Jared’s health. Chad had roared at him and made to jump at him but Milo held him back, quietly telling Jensen he should leave before he is forced to call security.
When he got off at 5, Jensen had been waiting for him at the front of the mall, catching his arm in an attempt to at least pass on a message to Jared since the brunet’s phone always seemed to be off. Chad had pulled away and in a fit of fury, socked the guy in the face. Jensen had punched back, swinging at his jaw hard enough to leave a bruise.
They fought for what seemed like hours but were only minutes until the mall’s security broke them up and sent them packing.
Chad sighs and fingers the throbbing bruise on his jaw, moving to the freeze to pop a couple of ice cubes in a plastic bag. Holding it to his face, Chad walks to the bedroom, looking in to see the permanent lump on his bed.
“Hey, I’m back,” says Chad in a soft tone, running his fingers over the blanket and Jared moves a little, letting the blanket drop away from his head so the blond can run his finger through the oil-slick hair. He removes one of the earphones from Jared’s ear, which he had put there in the morning, playing a little Alice Nine. “Did you have fun by yourself? Bet you did, you lucky one. Sleeping in all day,” he teases, brushing his thumb against Jared’s temple.
“Do you wanna eat something now? Pizza? Pie? How about a milkshake?” ask Chad, taking a seat on the bed beside Jared’s figure. “I think I’ll have a vanilla milkshake, chocolate for you, right? I know how much you love chocolate. I’ll make it from scratch, and I’ll even add a huge ball of ice cream to yours as well as gummy bears and marshmallows. I’d always tell you how disgusting that is and you’d just laugh, remember? You’d put in sour worms just to get me swearing and going off. I swear that stuff was disgusting but you downed it all, you’re a bottomless pit, man.”
Chad sighs when he doesn’t get a response and stands up, cracking his back and wincing at the pain.
“I’m just gonna go take a shower, okay? Working like this gets me so dirty, chicks just dig me you know? Draping themselves all over me,” he laughs and walks to the bathroom, not closing the door entirely incase Jared might need him.
The shower is short, just enough time for Chad to scrub down and clean his hair then he’s out, back into the bedroom seeing how Jared’s doing. The lump is still there, not seeming to have moved and Chad sighs, toweling his hair dry before lying beside his friend.
Time just seems to go in and out for him as he stares at the ceiling, blinking at the white color, eyes tracing the visible cracks.
Just when he’s drifting off to sleep, he hears knocking, and that startles him.
“Jared? Did you hear knocking man?” he whispers to his friend who doesn’t respond. Chad stays still, ears straining to hear any noise but there isn’t so he lies back down.
There’s more knocking, frantically this time.
Chad shoots up off the bed and to the front door, leaving the chain lock on, opening it.
“Jeff?” asks Chad in disbelief at Jared’s older brother standing there looking worried. “Chad? Open up, man,” says Jeff, peeking through the gap the door made. Chad closes the door to unlatch the chain and opens it wide to see Jeff… with Jensen behind him.
“What the fuck!” swears Chad, snarling at Jensen then looking at Jeff. “Why the fuck did you bring him here, Jeff?”
Jeff frowns and pushes past Chad, looking around.
“Where is he?” demands Jeff and Chad sighs, eyeing Jensen warily. He gestures them into the apartment before locking the door.
Reluctantly he leads them to his bedroom, dropping down to his knees beside Jared’s form, running his fingers through his friend’s hair.
“Hey, Jay,” he whispers softly, “Guess who’s here? Big brother Jeff, that’s who. Came all the way from home to come meet cha, why don’t you get up and say hi?”
Jared doesn’t even budge from his spot, just leans into Chad’s hand caressing his head. Jeff moves next to Chad, putting a hand on his brother’s forehead, wiping away the sweat-slick hair.
“Hey, little brother,” coos Jeff softly, “Got worried about ya. Everyone did, especially momma. You haven’t called us in a week and no one could get a hold of you. You never did tell anyone what Chad’s number was or the exact place he lived. Luckily Megan has that work number you sent her, and your friend Jensen got me here.”
Jeff feels Jared react slightly underneath his hand to the name of Jensen and he hears Chad growl low in his throat.
“I’m just gonna get up and talk to Chad, okay, Jay? We’ll just be outside so you keep sleeping,” says Jeff, pressing his lips to his brother’s forehead before standing up with Chad. He turns around to face Jensen, giving him a cold look and they all march out of the room, Chad pulling it slightly closed behind him.
“Okay. Chad, you have to tell me what is exactly happening here. How in the world did Jared lapse again? And this bad too?” asks Jeff, looking tired as he slumps onto the couch. Chad snarls and points to Jensen, who stands at the kitchen counter. “It’s this guy, Jeff. Didn’t he tell you?
“He probably hurt Jared in some way, you know. I just- I got this message that said he wanted me to pick him up straight away and I did but I guess I was too late and he was like this already and I- I don’t- I can’t…” trails off Chad, slumping on the couch beside Jeff, leaning into the older man.
Jeff puts an arm around Chad like he’s his little brother as well, putting a hand on his head and pushing it so that it leaned on his shoulder.
“Calm down, Chad. Calm down. How long has this been going on for?” he asks voice low and smooth. “Two weeks,” whispers Chad, closing his eyes. He feels Jeff tense beside him before relaxing again.
“How come you didn’t call us to help? You know we would, just like before. Why do you do this to yourself Chad? Why don’t you ask for help? Jared could need it- you never know and… Jesus, look at you, y’know?”
Chad shakes his head, blond head rubbing against the material of Jeff’s sweater.
“Jared wouldn’t have wanted it, he hates worrying you guys,” he says and Jeff makes a sound. “And you said this guy was the cause of it?” he asks, raising his other hand to point at Jensen.
“He should be. He was the last person with Jared,” mumbles Chad, dropping off to sleep under the feeling of protection, that someone else can take control of the situation now.
Jeff pats his hair, soft strokes and murmurs, “Okay, I’ll talk to him. You go to sleep, take care of Jared, okay?” Chad nods and gets up, walking to the bedroom and disappearing behind the door.
That leaves only Jeff and Jensen alone.
“Jensen, right? Please, take a seat,” says Jeff, gesturing to the other end of the couch. Jensen hesitates and takes a seat opposite to Jeff letting him see Jensen’s black eye and cut lips.
“You guys had a fight, right? You and Chad? That’s why you both look like hell sucked you in and spat you out?” asks Jeff, tone light yet serious. Jensen just nods, unable to form words.
“Chad says it’s your fault for Jared’s lapse but I’m being fair here and know that there are two sides to every story. So I’m giving you a chance to explain yourself, your side and I’ll see if I should put you back through Hell or help you away from it.”
Jensen gives him a look, something akin to relief and thanks before he opens his mouth to speak, voice dry and rough, croaking out words about Josh and his argument over Jared and Tom-
Jeff doesn’t even interrupt to ask who Tom is, just nods- and that Josh said something about using Jared as rebound to Tom and Jensen arguing that he wasn’t that - a rebound- they were different people. He says that Josh believes that his sexuality is just a long phase, nothing to it and has been trying to persuade him to date women.
He admits to believing a bit of Josh’s words on the Jared to Tom aspect, that maybe Jared was a rebound since he did resemble Tom a fair bit.
But the past week, Jensen’s done a lot of thinking and he does realize while there are similarities, the differences are a lot more significant and they are the qualities that are attractive to Jensen.
“So, what I’m sorta trying to say is that you brother, he’s a good guy, you know? He’s funny, smart and adorable, I just-”
“You like him,” says Jeff simply, smiling softly. “But you’re confused because your brother is pushing you one way, and your love for this Tom guy is pushing you in the other. Okay, I see. I see.”
They sit in a relative silence until Jeff speaks up again.
“I’ll help you Jensen, because you seem like a good guy. Nothing like Derek, or even that Riley… I just… Jared’s a little naïve and lets his emotions get in the way of everything. You gotta understand that and try not to abuse it.
“Because if you do… I’ll kill you, Jensen. I won’t hesitate to do so because I can’t handle seeing my little brother break again. So just promise me you won’t, promise me you’ll keep your word and I’ll help you.”
Jensen puts a hand over his heart and looks Jeff straight in the eyes.
“I promise, Jeff. I promise.”
-
Three days later, Jeff brings his brother in for a shower, trying to refresh him.
“You gotta snap out of it, little bro. Life’s too short to be wasting it by emo-ing. Let’s get some fresh air, you with me?”
Jared doesn’t reply, just leans against the back of the tub as Jeff washes his hair.
In the last three days, Jared’s been doing more than he has before, he moves a little now, tries to stand on his own when you’re trying to get him up from point A to point B and Jeff’s never been so happy.
“I got a surprise for you, Jay. It’s something I know you’ll like, and you’re big brother knows what you really want. So get better so you can enjoy my surprise, okay?”
“Jeff? Jay?” shouts Chad as he gets into the apartment, shrugging off his jacket.
“In the bathroom!” calls Jeff, rinsing the last of the bubbles from Jared’s hair. Chad pops his head in and grins.
“Getting him ready for his big surprise, Jeff?” asks Chad, eyes looking at Jared’s face for a reaction. “Sure am, Chad. Gotta get him to smell and look good for the surprise. I mean, wouldn’t want him to scare away his surprise now, would we?” chuckles Jeff, passing Jared a loofah. “C’mon and clean yourself, Jay. You don’t want big brother or your best friend forevah to clean you now, do you?”
They mentally cheer when Jared’s cheeks darken slightly, the hue of pink staining them. Jared slowly picks the loofah from Jeff’s hands and faces away from them.
Getting the message, they walk out of the bathroom though they stay close enough so Jared can hear them.
“So, Jeff, about this surprise,” says Chad, sounding suspicious. “Did you get everything organized?”
“I’m working on it, Chad. But you know, it’s gonna be spectacular. Jared just loves fireworks.”
That’s it, it’s out. And they’re hoping Jared gets the motivation to get better because that boy really does love his fireworks. Jeff’s put a lot time and effort into this and really, it’s sort of a last chance in getting Jared out of his lapse.
“Oh, Jared!” exclaims Chad, surprised to see his friend at the bathroom door, towel wrapped around his waist, hand holding tightly onto the door as he stands on slightly weak legs. “Hey little bro,” says Jeff, putting an arm around Jared’ shoulders and helping him into the bedroom.
Chad comes into the room with an outfit for Jared, giving him a smirk. “You’ll love these clothes, I’ve just bought them for you,” he says and leaves them on the bed. “You need any help dressing?” asks Jeff, teasing lightly to see if Jared will take the bait and tell him to piss off.
Jared just shakes his head and Jeff leaves him to it. Weakly, the brunet pulls on his boxers before pulling on soft grey denims and a pink and white checkered button down shirt. He puts his palm on the material, smoothing it down his chest, feeling the places where he’s gone thinner.
“Done?” asks Jeff, peeking through the door. Jared nods and Jeff walks in with a pair of socks and shoes. “Put these on, and we’ll go. I know you’re dying to see this surprise,” he says, smiling. “I hope you get better Jared, you know it hurts me to see you like this.”
Jared doesn’t respond to Jeff’s words, rather focusing on putting on his socks and shoes. Jeff doesn’t sigh and instead smiles because he knows that Jared’s doing his best to get better, that his little brother really doesn’t want to bother anyone or hurt anyone either.
“Hey, we ready to roll?” shouts Chad from outside the room and Jeff rolls his eyes and grabs Jared’s hand. “C’mon Jared, let’s go before Chad gets his knickers in a twist.”
It’s about six o’clock, and they sweep out into the hot summer, sweating it out in the car that Chad refused to turn the air conditioner in, claiming that, “Fuel is too expensive nowadays man!” They get to a small restaurant and Jeff treats his little brothers to anything they want. Jared shares a menu with Jeff and proceeds to point out that he wants a bowl of soup as well as a steak and a milkshake.
“Don’t you want any pie for dessert?” asks Jeff, pointing at the delicious picture but Jared shakes his head, eyes going sad at the sight of it. Jeff closes the book and smiles at the waiter, making their order before letting Chad order.
The food was rich and delicious, and Jeff and Chad argued playfully like it was the old times. Jared had even gotten to laughing softly at their arguments.
The night was going so far so good for Jeff, and he flags the waiter down to pay the bill.
“So where to next?” asks Chad, smiling cheekily and Jeff rolls his eyes. “Do you wanna see your surprise now, Jared?” asks Jeff, turning around in the passenger seat to look at his brother. Jared nods, smiling softly and Jeff turns around. “Jared wants to go see his surprise now, Chad. Should we show him?”
Chad just laughs and turns right, parking the car on the side of the road and Jared recognizes the shop they’re in front of.
Punk&Babys.
Jared’s eyes widen and he tries to dive back into the car but Jeff catches his arm, pulling him into a hug.
“Easy, littler brother. Don’t worry about this, okay? Just trust me. Trust me.”
Jared pauses a while before nodding slowly, hands clinging to his brother and they maneuver through the heat to get to the park beside the shop. The stage that was there on the opening was once again set up but it was dark here, no one seemingly about except them.
They walk up further, closer to the stage and that’s when a light spot comes on, shining on a female figure.
“Hello, my name is Nana Kitade. Today is a special day. It is for my friend Jay,” says Nana, smiling. “Jay-san, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you get better. Your brother and your friends have worked very hard to organize this and I’m happy to be part of this.
“Everybody, please enjoy this.”
And then lights are coming on and fans are flooding the park, filling in the missing gaps. The atmosphere is filled with excitement and joy among the sweltering heat but no one seems to be worried about the temperature.
Jared is snapped out of his thoughts when he hears the familiar thrum of guitars and beat of drums.
No fucking way, he thinks but its true, it’s there and it’s fucking Alice Nine on stage singing his favorite song, H. A. N. A. B. I.
Jesus Christ.
“蝉鳴く季節にて カーテン架かり 幕が開く
僕ら見下ろしてる 夜に咲いた 花弁さ
Semi naku kisetsu nite kaaten kakari maku ga hiraku
Bokura mioroshiteru yo ni saita hanabira sa
In the season when the cicadas chirp, the curtain is hung and the scene opened
We look across the view of petals that bloomed in the night.”
Jared’s actually crying because, oh God, that’s Shou up there singing and it’s all so surreal.
“いつも想っています 隣のあなた ずっとずっと
itsumo omotte imasu tonari no anata wo zutto zutto
Always thinking of you beside me, all the time.”
Jeff smiles and squeezes his hand before letting go, melding in with the crowd but Jared doesn’t notice. He doesn’t even notice when someone else sands by his side, watching him.
“月と背を比べて 咲いては消える 儚いもので
ただ只ぼんやりと、見上げていた 夏の夜。
Tsuki to sei wo kurabete saite wa kieru hakanai mono de
Tada tada bonyari to, miagete ita natsu no yoru
Comparing the moon and my back, blooming and disappearing in this momentary thing
Just faintly, dimly, we looked up at the summer night.”
“Jared,” says a voice and Jared turns to his side and freezes when he meets Jensen’s green eyes.
“いつも想っています 隣のあなたを
Itsumo omotte imasu tonari no anata wo
Always thinking of you beside me.”
What and why zips through Jared’s mind and he realizes that his surprise is full of surprises. Jensen brings the space between them closer and Jared flinches when he tries to touch him.
“手を 伸ばしても 届かなくても 何故か とても 暖かくて。
Te wo nobashite mo todokanakute mo naze ga totemo atatakakute.
Even though I stretch out my hand, it doesn't reach. Why is it very warm?”
Jensen smiles softly at Jared and says, “You’re not a rebound, Jared. You’re for real.”
That’s when the fireworks go off, painting the sky with its golds, reds and greens.
“みどり きいろ あかいろが 浮かんで 消えて 落ちて
情緒 不安定 君色が 痛いの 痛いの 飛んでった。
midori kiiro akairo ga ukande shimatte ochite
joucho fuantei kimi iro ga itai no itai no tondetta.
Green, yellow, and red are rising, disappearing, falling
Unstable emotions, colours of you painfully, painfully take flight.”
Jared’s crying even harder now, tears streaming down his cheeks and he sways on his feet. Before he manages to collapse, Jensen holds onto him, puts an arm around his waist.
“Don’t lie to me,” rasps Jared, forming his first words since the incident and Jensen’s eyes light up. “Oh God Jared, you spoke. Fuck,” swears Jensen, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. “I’d never lie to you, Jared. You’re not a rebound- fuck, you shouldn’t be. You deserve better, you know?
“You should have never been compared to Tom, you’re nothing like him, Jared. I’m sorry that you were. You guys are both special in your own ways and I realize this and respect it but I don’t expect anything different from you other than the normal things you do, the things that make you you.”
“硝子越しに写った、風鈴の向こう通り抜けてく。
いつも想っています 隣のあなたを- ずっと
garasu goshi ni utsutta, fuurin no mukou toori nuketeku.
itsumo omotte imasu tonari no anata wo- zutto
Projected across the glass, cutting through to the other side of the windchime.
Always thinking of you beside me- forever.”
Jensen cups Jared’s face, thumbs wiping away his tears.
“Tom’s gone, Jared, and it’s my fault. I- Just… I won’t ever hurt you, Jared. I already promised that to your brother.”
“只、一つだけ、誓えるならば、ずっと 貴方を
いつまでも、あの花のように、照らし続ける事でしょう。
Tada, hitotsu dake chikaeru naraba, zutto anata wo
Itsumademo, ano hana no youni, terashi tsuzukeru koto deshou.
If I could only make just one promise, it would be for you to
Forever, like that flower, go on shining brilliantly.”
Jared laughs and fireworks burst into the night sky as Shou’s last words echo throughout the night. It captures Jared’s attention, holding it as he watches colour after colour explode into the air. So caught up in the colours bursting, he doesn’t notice Jensen holding his hand through the whole show.
Alice Nine waves at the crowd and walks off stage as Nana walks back on along with Sophia. “Thank y’all for coming to this little show, this has been Alice Nine supporting our shop Punk&Babys.”
The crowd claps for the band that is somewhere backstage by now and Nana claps too.
“If y’all wanna meet them, they’re doing a little meet and greet tomorrow at our shop at 12 tomorrow. So come along if you wanna meet them! Tonight our store is having a special late night opening where we’re serving a late night snack, so if y’all don’t want to go home right now, please head over on over there,” says Sophia, smiling and they walk off stage and presumably, to the store.
The crowd begins to thin and this is when Jared realizes the warmth of Jensen holding his hand. He looks down at their physical connection, blushing at it.
“Are you okay?” asks Jensen, concern coloring his voice. Jared nods slowly, not quite aware of what they’re doing. Jensen smiles softly and looks around before tugging on Jared’s hand, pulling him up onto the stage.
“From here, you feel like you’re on top of the world. Being on stage is like being on high but then, it’s also the scariest thing. So I thought, I might as well ride the high and the nerves at the same time while I apologize,” says Jensen, hand tightening on Jared’s.
“I want to apologize for everything. I mean- I’m assuming you overheard that argument which I really wished you didn’t because I could think of so many ways it could’ve raised alarm bells in your head. I’m sorry Josh thinks so badly of you but…”
“Who’s Tom?” rasps Jared, looking down into Jensen’s eyes.
“Tom?” repeats Jensen, surprised.
“You… everyone always mention Tom,” Jared says, looking away with a slight flush to his cheeks. Jensen smiles and brings their hands into his lap, playing with Jared’s hand, fingertips smoothing over his knuckles.
“Tom was a close friend of mine for 5 years, and then we were… lovers for 6 months until,” Jensen pauses, bringing his other hand to cup his mouth before he continues, “Until he died in a car crash. It was my fault, you know? I killed him, Jared. It was my fault and I would do anything to change it but I can’t.”
“What happened?” asks Jared, eyes fixed on their joined hands again, watching as Jensen grips it tightly before letting his hold loosen then repeating the thing over again.
“It was early in the morning, and there wasn’t meant to be anybody around. I was nagging him to get up to take me to a concert that was a city over and that we should get a head start. I was so fucking stupid. Why am I such a fucking nagger?
“God. We were in the car and I was driving because that was our arrangement, you know? So he could get more sleep since I woke him up at such an ungodly hour. While we were driving through an intersection…
“Out of nowhere a car came- a fucking drunk piece of mother fucker, Jared. He fucking hit our car and- and Tom was killed on site. Even if I wasn’t dead, it felt like I was in Hell, I was trapped in a car with my dead boyfriend and… oh God-” breaks off Jensen, pressing the heel of his hand into his eyes.
Jared squeezes Jensen’s hand, putting his other hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” says Jared, and he pulls on Jensen’s shoulder until he’s looking at Jared. “I’m sorry about Tom.”
Jensen blinks back a few tears to look at Jared, and he’s just there- brown hair with that section of blond, all highlighted by the moonlight.
“Jared… I promise you’re not a rebound okay?” murmurs Jensen.
Jared leans forward and Jensen breath hitches, anticipating a kiss but instead their heads collide with each other. Jensen laughs, rubbing his forehead as Jared blushes, turning his head away.
“Hey,” murmurs Jensen, caressing Jared’s cheeks. “Does this mean… I’m forgiven?” he asks, hopeful and Jared turns around to look at him. “You didn’t do… it’s my fault,” says Jared, fingers rubbing the base of his throat as his voice comes out rough and scratchy.
“Hey, it’s not your fault. If I was in your shoes, I’d do the same. I know Josh doesn’t seem nice and all that but the truth is Tom was his friend too. He can’t bear to think that his friend’s lover- his brother is moving on from that when he himself hasn’t.
“Hey, Jared? Do you think…? I mean can I… May I…?” asks Jensen, leaning in close to the other, waiting for Jared to turn around. When he does, Jensen catches the tip of Jared’s nose between his teeth, biting softly.
Jared blinks at the blond in surprise and pulls away, body shaking with silent laughter. Jensen joins him a second later, throwing his head back and they laugh into the night, feeling the sweat trickle down their necks.
“No, that wasn’t what I meant to do. I just, I mean, can I kiss you?” he asks and Jared looks at him with his head tilted. The brunet watches the sweat fall from Jensen’s brow to his nose and he leans closer and closes his eyes.
He nods.
Jensen’s breath hitches and the air between them becomes more warmer and tense and then Jensen’s lips are on his, soft and plush. With a soft groan, Jared parts his lips, letting Jensen’s tongue trace his lips, slicking them with saliva and play with his lip ring.
Though it seems Jensen hesitates to go any further and Jared, ever the impatient person, growls and shoves forward, tongue moving out and catching onto Jensen’s. From there, their kiss becomes hot and intense before he pulls away, blushing heavily.
Jensen pants, grinning and licks his lips. Jared shakes his head, panting softly under his breath.
“You do know… I’m not going to change,” says Jared, voice soft. “I’m always gonna be… weird and lapsing… like some jealous housewife,” he continues, fingers back to pressing the base of his throat.
“That’s okay, Jared, it’s okay. You’re you and that’s who I want, what I want- all of it.”
Jensen presses a kiss to his temple and pulls him close, draping an arm around his hip. They sit in another bout of comfortable silence, looking up at the night sky and feeling bigger than the world at that moment.
THE END
Its two weeks later and Jared’s had a total of eight shifts with Jensen and currently zero with Sophia. Jensen says it’s because he has to be trained thoroughly in the art of ignorance and comebacks to be able to handle someone like Sophia. That sort of statement makes Jared sort of glad that he hasn’t worked with the woman yet.
Today seems like one of those slow business days where only a trickle of customers would come to the shop. Jared is dressed slightly down with just a black wife beater and low riding grey denim jeans hugging his hip where two studded belts crossed to hold onto it. He had many cuffs and bracelets adorning his wrists, and a pretty collar around his neck.
Jensen looked even better with a tight button down shirt in black with short sleeves to show off his biceps. He had a chain and lock around his neck as well as a few cuffs around his wrists. His jeans are baggy, the end of the legs skinny enough to be shoved into a pair of bikers boots that gave him the perfect look.
“Hey, so what do you think about coming to my place after work? Would it be a good time? Are you free?” asks Jensen, leaning his hip against the counter, looking at Jared at his place on the sofa.
“Um, yes?” says Jared, wondering why he was going to Jensen’s house. Jensen gives him a look that means Jared should know what they’re talking about but realizes Jared’s clueless.
“Um, you know how I sorta like asked you to help me design a business card for the shop? I mean it’s been three weeks, give or take, since its opening I think it’d be a good idea to distribute business cards and-”
Jared laughs at Jensen’s babble and nods. “Yeah, okay. I remember now! It’s fine. I’m sure Momma Chad will let me go.” Jensen chuckles and nods, watching Jared with a slight stare that has the brunet biting his lip ring nervously. After a few minutes, he’d look away and then repeat it another few minutes later.
Jared tries to break their tension by saying, “Oh, you know. I need a camera, I mean, if we’re advertising this store maybe we can add some store pictures, show the crowd what we’re selling yeah?”
Jensen nods and squats down, taking a key out to unlock the sliding doors that’s part of the counter. He rummages through it before producing a Nikon D300, flashing it about.
“Nana told us to keep a camera at the store so we can apparently take pictures of our customers. I’ve just only remember about that now,” he laughs, setting the camera onto the counter.
“Oh, man, that’s so convenient!” says Jared, getting up to touch the camera. He turns it on and snaps a few test pictures to get a hang of the camera before he starts snapping pictures of certain parts of the store with different angles. Jensen starts his weird looking thing again, staring at him and looking away.
Throughout the whole day, Jensen continues that, though sometimes it seems like he has something to say so Jared waits and when waiting gets tiring, he just stops what he’s doing and turns to stare at Jensen. In turn, the blond turns his face away pretending as if he wasn’t staring at all and it unsettles Jared.
At five they’re closing, seeing off a customer, a tall Asian male with bleached blond hair and a cute accent when he speaks. Jared had snapped a photo of him as well as entertained the customer since it seemed Jensen wasn’t in the mood when the chatty male came up to Jared and gushed over his jeans, wondering where he got them.
Jared was more than nice to tell him, doing a 360 so that he could observe every aspect of the clothing.
The guy even had the guts to tell him how well the material hugged his ass. Jensen had stopped hovering around them then, opting to slouch onto the sofa, plush lips pursed out in something akin to a pout.
Jared doesn’t question him about it, opting to stay quiet and follow him to his car.
When they arrive at his house, Jensen stops him from getting out the passenger seat. Jared turns to look at him, finding Jensen staring at him with that intense look again.
“Hey, just wanna say it’s just Josh and my ma tonight. Mackenzie hassled our dad into taking her to some concert a few hours away from here,” he says, rolling his eyes and the tension that was brewing in the car between them, like the Texas heat, dissipated just like that.
Jensen lets go of his arm and moves out of the car, Jared mimicking his moves. They walk up to the front door and just as Jensen’s about to put his keys to unlock the door, his mother opens it.
“Jared! It’s nice to see you again!” she greets, swooping in to give him a motherly hug that’s got him missing his own momma’s hugs.
“It’s good to see you too, Mama Ackles,” he greets back, hugging her back and when they part, Jensen’s grinning wide.
“Oh Jennybeans, you wanna give your mom a hug too, don’t you?” she coos, hugging Jensen and the blond rolls his eyes, but hugs his mom back. When she lets go, she ushers them through the front door. “You boys hungry? Dinner will be done in an hour or so, if you want a snack I could provide some…” she titters going on a tangent and Jensen puts an arm around her shoulder, smiling.
“Ma, it’s okay. Jared’s just here to do some designin’ for the store. We’re thinkin’ business cards, maybe posters,” he says, making his mom’s eyes sparkle.
“Just like teenagers doing a school project,” she laughs. “I remember when you and Tom used to stay up all night, Jennybeans, doing your thing. Well then, Jared, you must stay for dinner! Since Alan and Mackenzie aren’t here, I do insist!”
“Well…” hesitates Jared, thinking on the last time he was with them for dinner.
“C’mon Jare, it’d be fun. I know how much you love food,” goads Jensen and Jared nods his head, agreeing. Donna smiles wide and tells them dinner will be ready as soon as it can and she swishes off in a rush.
“She’s such an awesome person,” says Jared, admiration in his voice.
“Don’t let her hear that, she’ll get a big head,” laughs Jensen, leading him upstairs. Jensen’s room is the first one to the left and it’s a wide room with posters on the wall and a double bed.
“This room ain’t much but its home for the holidays,” says Jensen wistfully, smiling.
“I think it’s great,” says Jared, standing in front of the ceiling to floor bookshelf filled with a whole collection of books. He fingers the many spines of the books, dragging it up and down, feeling the dent of the words pressed in.
When he turns around, it’s to see Jensen sitting at his desktop computer, opening programs for him. Jared produces the camera from his backpack, fishing the flash memory stick out and hands it to Jensen. With a quick plug in, Jensen has the photos uploaded on his computer, ready for Jared to use.
-
It takes him until dinner but Jared has two versions done for the business card; a sweet kind for the Lolita fashion and a dark kind for the punk and gothic fashion. Jensen likes both of the versions but encourages Jared to do at least two more incase Nana and Sophia have a different opinion.
A minute later after that, Donna is calling them to dinner and they trample down the stairs like starved little boys until Jared realizes he needs to go toilet. He tells Jensen this who points down the hallway saying it’s the second door on the right.
When Jared finishes and nears the dining room he hears an argument taking place, one voice belonging to Jensen, the other, Jared realizes, belonging to Josh.
“Don’t Jensen, I mean it. I just- after Tom,” says Josh, letting out a sigh.
“Don’t pull Tom into this! He has nothing to do with this, at all!” shouts Jensen, and there’s a squeak of a chair pushing pushed backwards violently, friction against the floor.
“I’m not pulling him into anything! I’m just saying that after Tom, you might wanna step back maybe try something else-”
“You mean try to date women, right? Do the normal thing? The kind of things you do right? Pick up a girl, take her to some shady motel for a night and never see her again after that?” accuses Jensen, bitterness in his voice and Jared doesn’t know if he should continue listening or leave or interrupt or- something.
“I do not do that, Jensen, and you know it.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s right, cause you’ve got Lauren. Well despite your happy, happy family makings have you ever thought about my feeling, Josh? You think its fun to be called a fag and queer because I prefer guys?”
Jared’s eyes widen at Jensen’s words. Sure, he had suspected that maybe Jensen could be gay but it didn’t seem likely because when has Jared ever got what he wanted, right? No way could Jensen be gay so that they could be together right? Because even though Jensen’s so goddamn pretty doesn’t mean that he has even the littlest homosexual bone in his body.
Well, he’s proven wrong.
“I have thought about it! I know how much you suffer on your sexuality! Who was it that you went to for comfort after Johnny McGregor knocked you one in the face because he caught you checking him out? Jeez, Jensen, I just- After Tom-”
Now Jared’s wondering about this Tom guy because he seems pretty important. He could count on his hands the number of times Tom’s been mentioned but never explained and now the slightest mention of him between the brothers has his mind working overtime, again.
“Stop mentioning him, okay? Tom’s gone, gone and I know he was your best friend but that’s not gonna bring him back okay? And I know, Josh, I know it’s my fault. But shouldn’t I... try to move on? I just- You can’t compare Tom and Jared, they’re two different people.”
“Are you even sure about that? Don’t you think you’re maybe seeing Tom in Jared? I mean they’re both tall with that stupid muss of hair and that ‘nice to meet you, ma’am’ personality?”
There’s silence, as if Jensen is contemplating this fact and it does nothing to calm the nerves building up in his stomach.
“Josh…” starts Jensen again, voice softer now, “I just… I don’t know, okay? Tom was a good guy and I love him. I do. Jared’s another guy you know? And okay, who knows, maybe he is a rebound…”
Jared stops listening after that, covering his ears with his palms, blocking out the words. It hurts because Jared didn’t figure Jensen to be that type of guy but hey, never judge a book by its cover, right? Appearances can be deceiving, that kinda thing?
Jared whips out his phone and texts Chad.
‘Take me home NOW, I’m at Jensen’s.’
He backtracks to the toilet and waits in there until Jensen’s knocking on the door, asking if he’s okay. Jared opens the door and Jensen’s about to crack some joke but the brunet dodges it, walking past Jensen without a word.
Fucking confused, Jensen follows him.
“Jared?” he asks, putting a hand on his friend’s bicep. Jared flinches, and it’s not one of those small flinches instead it’s one of those bodily flinches.
What the fuck?
Jared feels it coming on, the same sickening feeling when he pined over Sandy, the same nauseating feeling when Derek told Jared he loved him after breaking his wrist, and presses a hand to his forehead, gasping for breath.
He feels the feeling of being useless and being not enough pressing in on him, growing on him, telling him that he’s just a pawn in Jensen’s little chess game, something to be used and thrown away. He feels like everything Jensen was- is up until now has been fake, fake, fake and it’s consuming him.
“Jared? Jared! Are you okay? Fuck,” swears Jensen, grabbing onto his friend and going down with him as they slide to the floor. He watches as Jared’s face just goes… blank, devoid of any emotion. “Are you okay?” he asks again once Jared seems to be breathing normally. Jared doesn’t say anything, just lolls his head to the side and stares off at something behind him.
There’s a honking outside the house, loud and obtrusive.
Jensen looks at Jared and lets him lean against the wall as he goes to the front door opening. He recognizes the old Ford in the front but the person, though he looks familiar, doesn’t register with him. A blond gets out the car and walks up to him.
“Where is Jared?” he asks, glaring at him.
“Who are you?” he asks, frowning at the blond. “I’m Chad and don’t you forget that. Now, I asked you a question, where is Jared?”
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just moves aside so that Chad can see Jared leaning against the wall.
“Fuck!” swears Chad, rushing in and squatting down in front of his friend. “Jay? Jay? You hear me man? Are you there? God, I told you this would happen! Jesus!” then he turns to Jensen, eyes squinting hard at him in anger, “What the fuck did you do to him, pretty boy?” he asks, pulling Jared up so that the tall brunet leant up against him.
“I didn’t do anything!” protests Jensen and that’s when Josh comes out.
“What’s going on?” asks Josh, looking around at Jensen then to Chad then Jared. “What’s wrong with him?” he asks, waving at Jared.
“He fucking lapsed, that’s what’s wrong with him. Fuck! I knew you were trouble when I saw you, pretty boy,” says Chad, trying to move Jared with him out the door.
“I said I didn’t do anything!” argues Jensen, moving forward to help him. “Don’t you fucking dare,” snarls Chad, hefting Jared back on his shoulders and moving again.
“Don’t think you can curse at my baby brother and leave the house without a good reason, blondie,” says Josh, cracking his knuckles.
“Hey, I can fucking say what I fucking want if you’re brother caused my best friend to lapse a-fucking-gain,” he says, continuing to move and he’s out the door and dragging Jared with him down the stairs.
That’s when Donna decides to come back, having gone to the shops to grab another bag of sugar for her dessert.
“What’s going on?” she questions, getting out of her car.
Chad doesn’t even bother to turn around or greet her, just leans Jared up against the car while he opens the back seat door and soothing his friend to lie down on the seats.
“What’s wrong with Jared?” she asks, walking up to Chad and peering into the car. Chad closes the door softly and turns to her.
“I don’t really know the cause, ma’am,” he says, “but I’m betting your boys have a part to play in this. Jared’s usually- he has a very negative mindset, and gets into what I call ‘lapses’ when his depression overcomes him. He just goes blank and doesn’t bother eating or speaking or even moving and it lasts for days or weeks until he pulls out.
“I just… I don’t know if you noticed, ma’am, but my boy is pretty fond of your son, Jensen.”
Chad pauses to see if he’s gauged a reaction from Donna but she just smiles and nods. He tilts his head at her and glances at Jared then back to her again and that’s when she realizes.
“Oh. Are you saying? Oh… oh dear,” she says, looking sadly at Jared’s figure just lying on the seats.
“That’s not it though, ma’am. Something must’ve triggered it- I mean, they’ve been working together so well these few weeks I thought… thought I was wrong about him, that Jared had finally proven me wrong and that Jensen was nothing like the Sandy incident but…”
Chad doesn’t finish, just shakes his head and Donna puts a hand on his shoulder.
“I see you care for your friend very much, honey. I think it’s best if you go home and take good care of Jared. I’ll talk to my boys.”
Chad gives a tense nod and thanks her softly, getting in his car and driving off.
-
The next week has been tensed, but Chad couldn’t cut back on his working shifts since it was the income paying for his life. Every time he comes home, he hopes it’s to a Jared sitting up and smiling or watching TV or maybe even dancing here and there but instead it’s to a silent apartment and Jared’s always just lying on the bed, curled up in on himself.
Chad puts his keys on the kitchen counter and sighs, thinking back on his day. When he went to his afternoon shift at 12, Jensen had been waiting for him with Milo at the counter. Chad had told him to leave him but the man didn’t budge, just asked questions about Jared’s health. Chad had roared at him and made to jump at him but Milo held him back, quietly telling Jensen he should leave before he is forced to call security.
When he got off at 5, Jensen had been waiting for him at the front of the mall, catching his arm in an attempt to at least pass on a message to Jared since the brunet’s phone always seemed to be off. Chad had pulled away and in a fit of fury, socked the guy in the face. Jensen had punched back, swinging at his jaw hard enough to leave a bruise.
They fought for what seemed like hours but were only minutes until the mall’s security broke them up and sent them packing.
Chad sighs and fingers the throbbing bruise on his jaw, moving to the freeze to pop a couple of ice cubes in a plastic bag. Holding it to his face, Chad walks to the bedroom, looking in to see the permanent lump on his bed.
“Hey, I’m back,” says Chad in a soft tone, running his fingers over the blanket and Jared moves a little, letting the blanket drop away from his head so the blond can run his finger through the oil-slick hair. He removes one of the earphones from Jared’s ear, which he had put there in the morning, playing a little Alice Nine. “Did you have fun by yourself? Bet you did, you lucky one. Sleeping in all day,” he teases, brushing his thumb against Jared’s temple.
“Do you wanna eat something now? Pizza? Pie? How about a milkshake?” ask Chad, taking a seat on the bed beside Jared’s figure. “I think I’ll have a vanilla milkshake, chocolate for you, right? I know how much you love chocolate. I’ll make it from scratch, and I’ll even add a huge ball of ice cream to yours as well as gummy bears and marshmallows. I’d always tell you how disgusting that is and you’d just laugh, remember? You’d put in sour worms just to get me swearing and going off. I swear that stuff was disgusting but you downed it all, you’re a bottomless pit, man.”
Chad sighs when he doesn’t get a response and stands up, cracking his back and wincing at the pain.
“I’m just gonna go take a shower, okay? Working like this gets me so dirty, chicks just dig me you know? Draping themselves all over me,” he laughs and walks to the bathroom, not closing the door entirely incase Jared might need him.
The shower is short, just enough time for Chad to scrub down and clean his hair then he’s out, back into the bedroom seeing how Jared’s doing. The lump is still there, not seeming to have moved and Chad sighs, toweling his hair dry before lying beside his friend.
Time just seems to go in and out for him as he stares at the ceiling, blinking at the white color, eyes tracing the visible cracks.
Just when he’s drifting off to sleep, he hears knocking, and that startles him.
“Jared? Did you hear knocking man?” he whispers to his friend who doesn’t respond. Chad stays still, ears straining to hear any noise but there isn’t so he lies back down.
There’s more knocking, frantically this time.
Chad shoots up off the bed and to the front door, leaving the chain lock on, opening it.
“Jeff?” asks Chad in disbelief at Jared’s older brother standing there looking worried. “Chad? Open up, man,” says Jeff, peeking through the gap the door made. Chad closes the door to unlatch the chain and opens it wide to see Jeff… with Jensen behind him.
“What the fuck!” swears Chad, snarling at Jensen then looking at Jeff. “Why the fuck did you bring him here, Jeff?”
Jeff frowns and pushes past Chad, looking around.
“Where is he?” demands Jeff and Chad sighs, eyeing Jensen warily. He gestures them into the apartment before locking the door.
Reluctantly he leads them to his bedroom, dropping down to his knees beside Jared’s form, running his fingers through his friend’s hair.
“Hey, Jay,” he whispers softly, “Guess who’s here? Big brother Jeff, that’s who. Came all the way from home to come meet cha, why don’t you get up and say hi?”
Jared doesn’t even budge from his spot, just leans into Chad’s hand caressing his head. Jeff moves next to Chad, putting a hand on his brother’s forehead, wiping away the sweat-slick hair.
“Hey, little brother,” coos Jeff softly, “Got worried about ya. Everyone did, especially momma. You haven’t called us in a week and no one could get a hold of you. You never did tell anyone what Chad’s number was or the exact place he lived. Luckily Megan has that work number you sent her, and your friend Jensen got me here.”
Jeff feels Jared react slightly underneath his hand to the name of Jensen and he hears Chad growl low in his throat.
“I’m just gonna get up and talk to Chad, okay, Jay? We’ll just be outside so you keep sleeping,” says Jeff, pressing his lips to his brother’s forehead before standing up with Chad. He turns around to face Jensen, giving him a cold look and they all march out of the room, Chad pulling it slightly closed behind him.
“Okay. Chad, you have to tell me what is exactly happening here. How in the world did Jared lapse again? And this bad too?” asks Jeff, looking tired as he slumps onto the couch. Chad snarls and points to Jensen, who stands at the kitchen counter. “It’s this guy, Jeff. Didn’t he tell you?
“He probably hurt Jared in some way, you know. I just- I got this message that said he wanted me to pick him up straight away and I did but I guess I was too late and he was like this already and I- I don’t- I can’t…” trails off Chad, slumping on the couch beside Jeff, leaning into the older man.
Jeff puts an arm around Chad like he’s his little brother as well, putting a hand on his head and pushing it so that it leaned on his shoulder.
“Calm down, Chad. Calm down. How long has this been going on for?” he asks voice low and smooth. “Two weeks,” whispers Chad, closing his eyes. He feels Jeff tense beside him before relaxing again.
“How come you didn’t call us to help? You know we would, just like before. Why do you do this to yourself Chad? Why don’t you ask for help? Jared could need it- you never know and… Jesus, look at you, y’know?”
Chad shakes his head, blond head rubbing against the material of Jeff’s sweater.
“Jared wouldn’t have wanted it, he hates worrying you guys,” he says and Jeff makes a sound. “And you said this guy was the cause of it?” he asks, raising his other hand to point at Jensen.
“He should be. He was the last person with Jared,” mumbles Chad, dropping off to sleep under the feeling of protection, that someone else can take control of the situation now.
Jeff pats his hair, soft strokes and murmurs, “Okay, I’ll talk to him. You go to sleep, take care of Jared, okay?” Chad nods and gets up, walking to the bedroom and disappearing behind the door.
That leaves only Jeff and Jensen alone.
“Jensen, right? Please, take a seat,” says Jeff, gesturing to the other end of the couch. Jensen hesitates and takes a seat opposite to Jeff letting him see Jensen’s black eye and cut lips.
“You guys had a fight, right? You and Chad? That’s why you both look like hell sucked you in and spat you out?” asks Jeff, tone light yet serious. Jensen just nods, unable to form words.
“Chad says it’s your fault for Jared’s lapse but I’m being fair here and know that there are two sides to every story. So I’m giving you a chance to explain yourself, your side and I’ll see if I should put you back through Hell or help you away from it.”
Jensen gives him a look, something akin to relief and thanks before he opens his mouth to speak, voice dry and rough, croaking out words about Josh and his argument over Jared and Tom-
Jeff doesn’t even interrupt to ask who Tom is, just nods- and that Josh said something about using Jared as rebound to Tom and Jensen arguing that he wasn’t that - a rebound- they were different people. He says that Josh believes that his sexuality is just a long phase, nothing to it and has been trying to persuade him to date women.
He admits to believing a bit of Josh’s words on the Jared to Tom aspect, that maybe Jared was a rebound since he did resemble Tom a fair bit.
But the past week, Jensen’s done a lot of thinking and he does realize while there are similarities, the differences are a lot more significant and they are the qualities that are attractive to Jensen.
“So, what I’m sorta trying to say is that you brother, he’s a good guy, you know? He’s funny, smart and adorable, I just-”
“You like him,” says Jeff simply, smiling softly. “But you’re confused because your brother is pushing you one way, and your love for this Tom guy is pushing you in the other. Okay, I see. I see.”
They sit in a relative silence until Jeff speaks up again.
“I’ll help you Jensen, because you seem like a good guy. Nothing like Derek, or even that Riley… I just… Jared’s a little naïve and lets his emotions get in the way of everything. You gotta understand that and try not to abuse it.
“Because if you do… I’ll kill you, Jensen. I won’t hesitate to do so because I can’t handle seeing my little brother break again. So just promise me you won’t, promise me you’ll keep your word and I’ll help you.”
Jensen puts a hand over his heart and looks Jeff straight in the eyes.
“I promise, Jeff. I promise.”
-
Three days later, Jeff brings his brother in for a shower, trying to refresh him.
“You gotta snap out of it, little bro. Life’s too short to be wasting it by emo-ing. Let’s get some fresh air, you with me?”
Jared doesn’t reply, just leans against the back of the tub as Jeff washes his hair.
In the last three days, Jared’s been doing more than he has before, he moves a little now, tries to stand on his own when you’re trying to get him up from point A to point B and Jeff’s never been so happy.
“I got a surprise for you, Jay. It’s something I know you’ll like, and you’re big brother knows what you really want. So get better so you can enjoy my surprise, okay?”
“Jeff? Jay?” shouts Chad as he gets into the apartment, shrugging off his jacket.
“In the bathroom!” calls Jeff, rinsing the last of the bubbles from Jared’s hair. Chad pops his head in and grins.
“Getting him ready for his big surprise, Jeff?” asks Chad, eyes looking at Jared’s face for a reaction. “Sure am, Chad. Gotta get him to smell and look good for the surprise. I mean, wouldn’t want him to scare away his surprise now, would we?” chuckles Jeff, passing Jared a loofah. “C’mon and clean yourself, Jay. You don’t want big brother or your best friend forevah to clean you now, do you?”
They mentally cheer when Jared’s cheeks darken slightly, the hue of pink staining them. Jared slowly picks the loofah from Jeff’s hands and faces away from them.
Getting the message, they walk out of the bathroom though they stay close enough so Jared can hear them.
“So, Jeff, about this surprise,” says Chad, sounding suspicious. “Did you get everything organized?”
“I’m working on it, Chad. But you know, it’s gonna be spectacular. Jared just loves fireworks.”
That’s it, it’s out. And they’re hoping Jared gets the motivation to get better because that boy really does love his fireworks. Jeff’s put a lot time and effort into this and really, it’s sort of a last chance in getting Jared out of his lapse.
“Oh, Jared!” exclaims Chad, surprised to see his friend at the bathroom door, towel wrapped around his waist, hand holding tightly onto the door as he stands on slightly weak legs. “Hey little bro,” says Jeff, putting an arm around Jared’ shoulders and helping him into the bedroom.
Chad comes into the room with an outfit for Jared, giving him a smirk. “You’ll love these clothes, I’ve just bought them for you,” he says and leaves them on the bed. “You need any help dressing?” asks Jeff, teasing lightly to see if Jared will take the bait and tell him to piss off.
Jared just shakes his head and Jeff leaves him to it. Weakly, the brunet pulls on his boxers before pulling on soft grey denims and a pink and white checkered button down shirt. He puts his palm on the material, smoothing it down his chest, feeling the places where he’s gone thinner.
“Done?” asks Jeff, peeking through the door. Jared nods and Jeff walks in with a pair of socks and shoes. “Put these on, and we’ll go. I know you’re dying to see this surprise,” he says, smiling. “I hope you get better Jared, you know it hurts me to see you like this.”
Jared doesn’t respond to Jeff’s words, rather focusing on putting on his socks and shoes. Jeff doesn’t sigh and instead smiles because he knows that Jared’s doing his best to get better, that his little brother really doesn’t want to bother anyone or hurt anyone either.
“Hey, we ready to roll?” shouts Chad from outside the room and Jeff rolls his eyes and grabs Jared’s hand. “C’mon Jared, let’s go before Chad gets his knickers in a twist.”
It’s about six o’clock, and they sweep out into the hot summer, sweating it out in the car that Chad refused to turn the air conditioner in, claiming that, “Fuel is too expensive nowadays man!” They get to a small restaurant and Jeff treats his little brothers to anything they want. Jared shares a menu with Jeff and proceeds to point out that he wants a bowl of soup as well as a steak and a milkshake.
“Don’t you want any pie for dessert?” asks Jeff, pointing at the delicious picture but Jared shakes his head, eyes going sad at the sight of it. Jeff closes the book and smiles at the waiter, making their order before letting Chad order.
The food was rich and delicious, and Jeff and Chad argued playfully like it was the old times. Jared had even gotten to laughing softly at their arguments.
The night was going so far so good for Jeff, and he flags the waiter down to pay the bill.
“So where to next?” asks Chad, smiling cheekily and Jeff rolls his eyes. “Do you wanna see your surprise now, Jared?” asks Jeff, turning around in the passenger seat to look at his brother. Jared nods, smiling softly and Jeff turns around. “Jared wants to go see his surprise now, Chad. Should we show him?”
Chad just laughs and turns right, parking the car on the side of the road and Jared recognizes the shop they’re in front of.
Punk&Babys.
Jared’s eyes widen and he tries to dive back into the car but Jeff catches his arm, pulling him into a hug.
“Easy, littler brother. Don’t worry about this, okay? Just trust me. Trust me.”
Jared pauses a while before nodding slowly, hands clinging to his brother and they maneuver through the heat to get to the park beside the shop. The stage that was there on the opening was once again set up but it was dark here, no one seemingly about except them.
They walk up further, closer to the stage and that’s when a light spot comes on, shining on a female figure.
“Hello, my name is Nana Kitade. Today is a special day. It is for my friend Jay,” says Nana, smiling. “Jay-san, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you get better. Your brother and your friends have worked very hard to organize this and I’m happy to be part of this.
“Everybody, please enjoy this.”
And then lights are coming on and fans are flooding the park, filling in the missing gaps. The atmosphere is filled with excitement and joy among the sweltering heat but no one seems to be worried about the temperature.
Jared is snapped out of his thoughts when he hears the familiar thrum of guitars and beat of drums.
No fucking way, he thinks but its true, it’s there and it’s fucking Alice Nine on stage singing his favorite song, H. A. N. A. B. I.
Jesus Christ.
“蝉鳴く季節にて カーテン架かり 幕が開く
僕ら見下ろしてる 夜に咲いた 花弁さ
Semi naku kisetsu nite kaaten kakari maku ga hiraku
Bokura mioroshiteru yo ni saita hanabira sa
In the season when the cicadas chirp, the curtain is hung and the scene opened
We look across the view of petals that bloomed in the night.”
Jared’s actually crying because, oh God, that’s Shou up there singing and it’s all so surreal.
“いつも想っています 隣のあなた ずっとずっと
itsumo omotte imasu tonari no anata wo zutto zutto
Always thinking of you beside me, all the time.”
Jeff smiles and squeezes his hand before letting go, melding in with the crowd but Jared doesn’t notice. He doesn’t even notice when someone else sands by his side, watching him.
“月と背を比べて 咲いては消える 儚いもので
ただ只ぼんやりと、見上げていた 夏の夜。
Tsuki to sei wo kurabete saite wa kieru hakanai mono de
Tada tada bonyari to, miagete ita natsu no yoru
Comparing the moon and my back, blooming and disappearing in this momentary thing
Just faintly, dimly, we looked up at the summer night.”
“Jared,” says a voice and Jared turns to his side and freezes when he meets Jensen’s green eyes.
“いつも想っています 隣のあなたを
Itsumo omotte imasu tonari no anata wo
Always thinking of you beside me.”
What and why zips through Jared’s mind and he realizes that his surprise is full of surprises. Jensen brings the space between them closer and Jared flinches when he tries to touch him.
“手を 伸ばしても 届かなくても 何故か とても 暖かくて。
Te wo nobashite mo todokanakute mo naze ga totemo atatakakute.
Even though I stretch out my hand, it doesn't reach. Why is it very warm?”
Jensen smiles softly at Jared and says, “You’re not a rebound, Jared. You’re for real.”
That’s when the fireworks go off, painting the sky with its golds, reds and greens.
“みどり きいろ あかいろが 浮かんで 消えて 落ちて
情緒 不安定 君色が 痛いの 痛いの 飛んでった。
midori kiiro akairo ga ukande shimatte ochite
joucho fuantei kimi iro ga itai no itai no tondetta.
Green, yellow, and red are rising, disappearing, falling
Unstable emotions, colours of you painfully, painfully take flight.”
Jared’s crying even harder now, tears streaming down his cheeks and he sways on his feet. Before he manages to collapse, Jensen holds onto him, puts an arm around his waist.
“Don’t lie to me,” rasps Jared, forming his first words since the incident and Jensen’s eyes light up. “Oh God Jared, you spoke. Fuck,” swears Jensen, tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. “I’d never lie to you, Jared. You’re not a rebound- fuck, you shouldn’t be. You deserve better, you know?
“You should have never been compared to Tom, you’re nothing like him, Jared. I’m sorry that you were. You guys are both special in your own ways and I realize this and respect it but I don’t expect anything different from you other than the normal things you do, the things that make you you.”
“硝子越しに写った、風鈴の向こう通り抜けてく。
いつも想っています 隣のあなたを- ずっと
garasu goshi ni utsutta, fuurin no mukou toori nuketeku.
itsumo omotte imasu tonari no anata wo- zutto
Projected across the glass, cutting through to the other side of the windchime.
Always thinking of you beside me- forever.”
Jensen cups Jared’s face, thumbs wiping away his tears.
“Tom’s gone, Jared, and it’s my fault. I- Just… I won’t ever hurt you, Jared. I already promised that to your brother.”
“只、一つだけ、誓えるならば、ずっと 貴方を
いつまでも、あの花のように、照らし続ける事でしょう。
Tada, hitotsu dake chikaeru naraba, zutto anata wo
Itsumademo, ano hana no youni, terashi tsuzukeru koto deshou.
If I could only make just one promise, it would be for you to
Forever, like that flower, go on shining brilliantly.”
Jared laughs and fireworks burst into the night sky as Shou’s last words echo throughout the night. It captures Jared’s attention, holding it as he watches colour after colour explode into the air. So caught up in the colours bursting, he doesn’t notice Jensen holding his hand through the whole show.
Alice Nine waves at the crowd and walks off stage as Nana walks back on along with Sophia. “Thank y’all for coming to this little show, this has been Alice Nine supporting our shop Punk&Babys.”
The crowd claps for the band that is somewhere backstage by now and Nana claps too.
“If y’all wanna meet them, they’re doing a little meet and greet tomorrow at our shop at 12 tomorrow. So come along if you wanna meet them! Tonight our store is having a special late night opening where we’re serving a late night snack, so if y’all don’t want to go home right now, please head over on over there,” says Sophia, smiling and they walk off stage and presumably, to the store.
The crowd begins to thin and this is when Jared realizes the warmth of Jensen holding his hand. He looks down at their physical connection, blushing at it.
“Are you okay?” asks Jensen, concern coloring his voice. Jared nods slowly, not quite aware of what they’re doing. Jensen smiles softly and looks around before tugging on Jared’s hand, pulling him up onto the stage.
“From here, you feel like you’re on top of the world. Being on stage is like being on high but then, it’s also the scariest thing. So I thought, I might as well ride the high and the nerves at the same time while I apologize,” says Jensen, hand tightening on Jared’s.
“I want to apologize for everything. I mean- I’m assuming you overheard that argument which I really wished you didn’t because I could think of so many ways it could’ve raised alarm bells in your head. I’m sorry Josh thinks so badly of you but…”
“Who’s Tom?” rasps Jared, looking down into Jensen’s eyes.
“Tom?” repeats Jensen, surprised.
“You… everyone always mention Tom,” Jared says, looking away with a slight flush to his cheeks. Jensen smiles and brings their hands into his lap, playing with Jared’s hand, fingertips smoothing over his knuckles.
“Tom was a close friend of mine for 5 years, and then we were… lovers for 6 months until,” Jensen pauses, bringing his other hand to cup his mouth before he continues, “Until he died in a car crash. It was my fault, you know? I killed him, Jared. It was my fault and I would do anything to change it but I can’t.”
“What happened?” asks Jared, eyes fixed on their joined hands again, watching as Jensen grips it tightly before letting his hold loosen then repeating the thing over again.
“It was early in the morning, and there wasn’t meant to be anybody around. I was nagging him to get up to take me to a concert that was a city over and that we should get a head start. I was so fucking stupid. Why am I such a fucking nagger?
“God. We were in the car and I was driving because that was our arrangement, you know? So he could get more sleep since I woke him up at such an ungodly hour. While we were driving through an intersection…
“Out of nowhere a car came- a fucking drunk piece of mother fucker, Jared. He fucking hit our car and- and Tom was killed on site. Even if I wasn’t dead, it felt like I was in Hell, I was trapped in a car with my dead boyfriend and… oh God-” breaks off Jensen, pressing the heel of his hand into his eyes.
Jared squeezes Jensen’s hand, putting his other hand on Jensen’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” says Jared, and he pulls on Jensen’s shoulder until he’s looking at Jared. “I’m sorry about Tom.”
Jensen blinks back a few tears to look at Jared, and he’s just there- brown hair with that section of blond, all highlighted by the moonlight.
“Jared… I promise you’re not a rebound okay?” murmurs Jensen.
Jared leans forward and Jensen breath hitches, anticipating a kiss but instead their heads collide with each other. Jensen laughs, rubbing his forehead as Jared blushes, turning his head away.
“Hey,” murmurs Jensen, caressing Jared’s cheeks. “Does this mean… I’m forgiven?” he asks, hopeful and Jared turns around to look at him. “You didn’t do… it’s my fault,” says Jared, fingers rubbing the base of his throat as his voice comes out rough and scratchy.
“Hey, it’s not your fault. If I was in your shoes, I’d do the same. I know Josh doesn’t seem nice and all that but the truth is Tom was his friend too. He can’t bear to think that his friend’s lover- his brother is moving on from that when he himself hasn’t.
“Hey, Jared? Do you think…? I mean can I… May I…?” asks Jensen, leaning in close to the other, waiting for Jared to turn around. When he does, Jensen catches the tip of Jared’s nose between his teeth, biting softly.
Jared blinks at the blond in surprise and pulls away, body shaking with silent laughter. Jensen joins him a second later, throwing his head back and they laugh into the night, feeling the sweat trickle down their necks.
“No, that wasn’t what I meant to do. I just, I mean, can I kiss you?” he asks and Jared looks at him with his head tilted. The brunet watches the sweat fall from Jensen’s brow to his nose and he leans closer and closes his eyes.
He nods.
Jensen’s breath hitches and the air between them becomes more warmer and tense and then Jensen’s lips are on his, soft and plush. With a soft groan, Jared parts his lips, letting Jensen’s tongue trace his lips, slicking them with saliva and play with his lip ring.
Though it seems Jensen hesitates to go any further and Jared, ever the impatient person, growls and shoves forward, tongue moving out and catching onto Jensen’s. From there, their kiss becomes hot and intense before he pulls away, blushing heavily.
Jensen pants, grinning and licks his lips. Jared shakes his head, panting softly under his breath.
“You do know… I’m not going to change,” says Jared, voice soft. “I’m always gonna be… weird and lapsing… like some jealous housewife,” he continues, fingers back to pressing the base of his throat.
“That’s okay, Jared, it’s okay. You’re you and that’s who I want, what I want- all of it.”
Jensen presses a kiss to his temple and pulls him close, draping an arm around his hip. They sit in another bout of comfortable silence, looking up at the night sky and feeling bigger than the world at that moment.
THE END