Fanmix for hector_rashbaum's 'When I'm Around Her'
Song: The Wanderlust (acoustic version) - Flogging Molly
Lyric: Calm the ocean breeze
Quiet the raging sea
This stormy ship we sail
Is a bottle filled with rage
Snippet: Mike just grunts, 'cause whatever he says Bill'll take as a yes, doesn't look up from his book. Kevin clambers onto the bed, only capable of moving with any coordination when he's dancing or fucking, presses a sticky kiss to Mike's neck.
Song: Gift/Curse - The Animal Upstairs (Andy Mrotek)
Lyric: Silent sleep, treating the burns
Right between gift and a curse
Silent sleep, living your worst
Snippet: When he gets up and stumbles into the bathroom, thinking maybe it's not too late to get rid of whatever of the potion is left in his stomach, if there even is any left, he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror.
Except it's not him, there's a woman looking back at him, a woman whose face looks an awful lot like his but whose body, obviously, doesn't.
Song: Cancer (piano) - My Chemical Romance Piano Tribute
Snippet: "I'm gay, Kevin," Mike says, like he has to force the words out, like he's admitting to something Kevin doesn't already know.
"I know," is all he says, all he can think to say.
Song: Better When You're Not Alone - Black Crowes
Lyric: This Life, this life aches
and this life moans
This life is great, this life is great
And it's better when you're
not alone, not alone
Snippet: "We're gonna figure this out. We can't do that if you're gonna pretend it's already all figured out."
Kevin just nods, burrows into Mike the way she always has. With her eyes closed, it doesn't even feel any different; the lean solidness of Mike's chest is exactly the same, and she just wraps her arms tighter around him, prays harder than she ever has in her life that he's right, that they can figure this out.
Song: Do You Know What I'm Seeing (Alternate version) - Panic At The Disco
Lyric: I know it's mad
But if I go to hell
Will you come with me or just leave?
I know it's mad
But if the world were ending
Would you just kiss me or just leave me?
Just leave me?
Snippet: "What the fuck would you do, Kevin? You think if this was the other way around, you'd be totally fucking okay, wouldn't have a single fucking issue?"
"If you love me - "
"There's no if, goddammit," Mike says, almost shouting now, and he's moved in, she can feel how close he is. "There is no fucking if. That's not the problem."
Kevin draws a deep, shaky breath, opens her mouth to shout right back at him, but before she can say anything Mike's kissing her, Mike's got one arm around her waist and one in her hair and he's drawing her in, right up against him, and he's kissing her, deep and slow, and it's so good she just melts right into him.
Song: Trouble - Ray LaMontagne
Lyric: Feels like every time I get back on my feet
she come around and knock me down again
Worry...
Oh, worry, worry, worry, worry
Sometimes I swear it feels like this worry is my only friend
Snippet: But she smells like Kevin, her little wheezy snores are exactly the fucking same, and however different she feels, she's good, she's better, way better than the weird coldness of having no one cuddled against him when there was someone in the bed.
Kevin shifts, blinks up at him with sleepy eyes that don't look any different - the eyebrows above them, yeah, those are a change, but her eyes are still Kevin's eyes, smiles a little and leans up to kiss him.
Song: Pour Yourself A Drink (Basement Demo) - The Academy Is...
Lyric:Everyone here has demons in their past
Now move it on up. You're walking on the edge.
Everyone here has demons in their past now.
Snippet: "I know," Kevin says, has no idea if Bill knows she's only saying that to the second part, 'cause she honestly doesn't believe the first. "But - I just - I wanted - "
Bill looks at her, more serious than she's used to, turns away just when Kevin's starting to want to duck away from the intensity of his gaze.
Song: Fields of Gold - Cover by Eva Cassidy
Lyric:I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We will walk in fields of gold
Snippet: "Kevin."
"I don't - I can't - stupid fucking thing, I - "
Mike steps towards her, close enough the fake dick brushes his thigh, but she doesn't stop until he grabs her arms, grips maybe tighter than he should. She just looks up at him, tears in her eyes and fuck, Mike's never been good with tears.
"Kevin. Stop."
"Please," is all she says, and Mike can't fucking handle the tremor in her voice so he kisses her, hard, tightens his grip on her arms until she whimpers a little into his mouth, and when he pulls back, there are tears on her cheeks but not in her eyes, which - it's something, at least. "I don't know what to do," she says, miserable.
Song: The Fastest Way Back Home - Frank Turner
Lyric: Darling oh my darling you know that everything that I do
is to try and make me good enough for you.
Darling oh my darling you know that everywhere that I go,
I'm just trying to find the fastest way back home.
Snippet: "I - are you okay?" Kevin asks, wants to ask if we're okay, if that ruined everything, if she was right and they should have pretended, if -
"I love you," Mike says, cuts her off, and for the first time in two weeks there's no part of her that thinks he doesn't mean it.
Bonus:
I really struggled with where to put this song, because I thought it fit pretty perfectly for this fic. When I couldn't find a spot for it, I tweaked everything and it still wouldn't fit, I realized that it doesn't fit anywhere, because it's pretty much over the entire fic.
Song: Underneath (acoustic version) - Hanson
Lyric: Waking up this morning
Thinking this can't be real
But they say there is nothing love can't heal
Why don't you come on down
So you can feel what I feel
Sitting all alone in this place
Even though we're here face to face
There is nothing gone
But there's something wrong
Can't you see that I'm stuck here underneath
And you're making it hard to breathe
So take a look around and tell me what you see
You'll find me underneath
--Mixer notes: I've wanted to do a mix for this fic probably since hector_rashbaum wrote and posted it. This fic is one of my favorites and I'm really happy with this mix. I wanted a softer feel to the mix, nothing jarring, hopefully so. I used a few acoustic versions and one piano cover, because generally, I go more on the feel of a song.
There are a few, that I didn't choose strictly for the lyrics, but I'm glad I chose the song itself.
hector_rashbaum I hope you enjoy this!
Download the mix here!