(no subject)
"i think that the most difficult part of growing up, by far, is accepting that the world does not revolve around you. when i was little, i thought i was really mature because i had already known that the bus keeps picking up people after you get off at your stop of it and that school lessons are still taught whether you're in your seat or not, but now that i'm in that weird grey area of twenty, i'm meeting some difficulty when that same idea comes into play with relationships. i am not going to be the only girl, or the only daughter or the only friend. i'm just a person in a series and although my place in that series -- my role and my significance -- should alter how i feel about this whole thing, i am still in a series. there will always be someone before me, and there will probably be someone after me.
i'm too much of a self-serving jerk to stay away from things that hurt me (i'd be luckier if it were drugs and alcohol - at least that way i could detox and forget), but what am i looking for anyway ? some kind of validation ? when is that ever found in the past ? i sabotage myself - i sabotage the only good things i've ever got going for me because i guess i don't feel like i deserve them, but at the same time, i know that i do. i can't tell if it's jealousy that provokes me to search through old conversations for speckles of ex-girlfriends and former flames or if it's sheer self-hatred, a way of dangling/scrolling my own mortality in front of my face. it's a lesser, more pathetic way of living on the edge - reminding yourself how temporary you could be, and how it could all be gone tomorrow, in an instant. you get a greater appreciation for what you've got, sure, but that sense of ephemeralness is more threatening than ever. i haven't been able to quiet these urges, but i've been dealing with them fairly well. self-control can be so tricky, especially for someone who has so little of it."
i'm too much of a self-serving jerk to stay away from things that hurt me (i'd be luckier if it were drugs and alcohol - at least that way i could detox and forget), but what am i looking for anyway ? some kind of validation ? when is that ever found in the past ? i sabotage myself - i sabotage the only good things i've ever got going for me because i guess i don't feel like i deserve them, but at the same time, i know that i do. i can't tell if it's jealousy that provokes me to search through old conversations for speckles of ex-girlfriends and former flames or if it's sheer self-hatred, a way of dangling/scrolling my own mortality in front of my face. it's a lesser, more pathetic way of living on the edge - reminding yourself how temporary you could be, and how it could all be gone tomorrow, in an instant. you get a greater appreciation for what you've got, sure, but that sense of ephemeralness is more threatening than ever. i haven't been able to quiet these urges, but i've been dealing with them fairly well. self-control can be so tricky, especially for someone who has so little of it."