The curve ball with great hair ...
As I stated before ... I should probably listen to Foster more often.
I should probably stop following my emotions and try to think with a little more logic.
If I had, maybe none of this stupid shit would have happened ...
It was a nice and very short lived dream.
I'm chalking it up to a moment of whimsical insanity that resulted in some bad decisions. It also confirms my belief in karma.
And yet I'm the type of person that looks at things from multiple angles.
Yes, I've picked this apart over and over and I have a lot of theories.
Most are aimed at myself and my own shortcomings, but a few come from that gut feeling that someone is going to fuck you over without actually having to fuck you over. I can't find a nicer way to put it.
But anyway ... Guess I'm getting ahead of things.
Idiot move #1:
Work is it's own universe in itself that I somehow got sucked into when I told myself I wouldn't. I made friends. I hung out with them outside of work, added them to facebook, etc etc etc ... How much did I say I would do NOTHING of the sort?
I do have to say, the people I've come to know are all on a spectrum from pretty cool to pretty amazing. I just never wanted to get to that point at this job. This was something temporary until I found something better.
Now I can't wait to leave. It's top priority for me. That place sucks the life out of you. It's the people and a few other things that make it bearable.
Idiot Move #2:
Backtrack to shortly after Chris and I's aforementioned mutual split. A guy at work, Jay, was having girlfriend issues. I can openly admit that he always intrigued me b/c he was both humorous and different.
And he was a young Dave Grohl.
We started talking things out with each other in regards to our relationships, or the lack of mine and the stress of his. That led to conversations about ... everything. We'd spend once or twice a week hanging out at this spot that he found in a park near work: A bridge that crossed over a small waterway, which was lined with trees and large rocks and a wild raccoon.
After doing this for a while, I spent a weekend with some girlfriends. In my drunken state I made the decision that I had to see where this would go with him, and didn't want to pass up the opportunity, come what may.
I should have kept him at arms length. Ironically, it was Darren who first told me that history that isn't learned is often repeated. I've done this before. I've seen red flags from the get go and yet still I went for it. I've had guys who I chose to keep as friends b/c they were more important than the possible demise of a relationship. That's what should have happened at this point. But instead, I let it progress into Idiot Move #3 ...
Idiot Move #3
I fell hard. I fell fast. I didn't take anyone's advice or feelings into consideration. I didn't put up a wall or a guard of any sort. I opened up completely without holding back. This is also a piece of history that I obviously haven't learned from. I can't say it wasn't amazing, to feel like someone felt the same way, someone got it. Someone was finally, FINALLY on the same page as me.
But my first theory? He only felt that way for a second. Something sparked his interest and then he lost it.
My second theory? He appeased me instead of letting me down easy from the get go. He admitted to me that he told his last girlfriend he loved her just to appease her, which I appreciate the honesty. So who's to say this wasn't the exact same scenario?
I don't want to believe my second theory, but it's crossed my mind.
Either way, I can't help but be thankful that I got to feel that way about someone at all.
Idiot Move #4
A month later he decided to end things. He didn't feel the same way.
This is where he unintentionally fucks me over.
I asked how long he felt this way.
He says the last week.
Immediately I replay the last week in my head. We didn't talk as much. I asked him to hang out but he was busy. There were signs ... why didn't I see them?
Then he tells me I'm still his best friend and he intends to be vigilant in keeping me as a friend.
This is the part where he intends to not actually fuck me over, or make up for fucking me over, however you want to see it.
I wanted to argue, I wanted to debate with him that relationships take time, but then it dawned on me that ... he's probably thought of this already.
Then my third theory hit me ... something was going on.
This is something that I've seen happen time and time again. You're with someone. You see someone else. You're current situation suddenly seems insufficient.
It happens, unfortunately.
So while all this is running through my head, he's crying, he seems sincere.
I decide to trust him, and against my gut feeling to tell him to immediately leave and never speak to me again, I breathe. I calm down. I realize that b/c I've done this exact same things before, this is karma being delivered.
That was my last theory, the one that makes the most sense to me.
Another bad decision?
Idiot Move #5
After that night, I started thinking over everything that I could have done differently, or what it was that I did wrong ... Did I not make him laugh enough? Did I talk too much? Am I too fat? Too shy? etc etc etc ... This is something else that I haven't learned to shut off. Once something like this happens, its my natural reaction to beat myself up.
Then, for whatever reason, his last ex before me, Ashley, adds me on facebook.
To me, this meant three things: 1) She knew what happened some kind of way and wanted someone to talk shit about Jay with.
2) She found out who he was (as of the day before) dating and wanted to start shit with me, or at least make contact to make herself known.
and 3) Maybe, MAYBE, she knew what happened, but had some form of insight that would help me figure this out.
So, naturally being one to go for the most idiotic option, I figure she has some insight for me. I accept her request, and immediately start to wonder.
So I ask Jay outright. I didn't think they had something going on, but i figured he would know her well enough to know whats going on.
So he went to her. Her response was partly what I was expecting.
She also took dealt a blow to my appearance, thus making me spiral into more self-loathing. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that the whole thing was a fluke, that someone like me would never be in a situation that felt quite like that for the rest of my life or even just for now.
My mistake here was that I spent more time dwelling on this than moving on.
Idiot Move #6
Finally, I decided to let it go. Or try. This situation, however, was a little harder to move forward from. In normal situations, you can take time from seeing someone and be on your own for a while. I see him everyday, so I had to try and speed the process up some kind of way, suck it up, and move on.
It was going ok until I noticed the way he was interacting with someone.
It reminded me of us. After a week. That fast. Just as fast as the last three girlfriends he's had.
A week. Ouch.
After talking with a friend of his, I came to the conclusion that he possibly could have been talking to someone before we split, but it was obvious that it was happening now. If so, I was in no place to judge. But I wanted to ask him to be honest. For whatever reason, I had to know. Mainly b/c I wanted to know someone who had done the same thing I had.
I decided I was going to ask him about it. I decided that, since I had been giving him hell for the last week basically, if he were to be up front with me then about everything, I would back off, walk away, do whatever it took to make sure I didn't flip out on him ever again and he was never to worry about how I felt about anything again b/c I would be done with the whole situation. I was ready to let this go. I thought this was a good proposition, so I asked to speak with him, stating clearly that I had a proposition.
Meanwhile, this entire time, Chris was there for me when by all means he should not have been. I was completely undeserving, but he always let me harass him and spoke to me on a regular basis even after he found out I was dating Jay and accused me of doing the exact same thing Jay was now doing. I know what he went through now on some level, but it was based on a month long ... whatever you want to call it, instead of a nine month relationship.
This is why I'm chalking this up to karma.
He's part of an amazing network of people I call my friends.
Finally, after making the stupidest decisions for the last month, I realized that I needed to do my best to mend things with him and show him how much he means to me.
I don't know where this is going, but I know my goal and if it works out, Chris will know how awesome he is on a daily basis.
I think this qualifies as Smart Move #1.
And now? Jay came clean to me that he was talking to someone. I remember him mentioning her before, but I can't remember if its the girl who was engaged or the girl who has a creepy fantasy that I wont divulge. Either way ... I wish he would take more time for himself. He's been out of the Navy since breakfast, and this more recent girl would make girl #4 for him, I believe. That's a lot of drama for almost a year. I know I'm hard to deal with, but if the other three are any worse, this has to be wearing down on him. And as such, I decided to let it go, and even dial up the niceness a notch. It's easier than giving anyone grief, and I have much better things to look forward to over the next few months.
I'm learning, slowly, but its happening. I can honestly say that at some point, I will let everyone I know down, but I hope no one ever loses their faith in me.
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